Archive for January, 2009

31
Jan
09

All Smiles in Whitburn .. Until Derby Day

'The toon will soon wipe that smile off your face'

'The toon will soon wipe that smile off your face'

South Tyneside’s dominatrix, Irene Lucas has cause to celebrate today after husband John Hays picked up a top travel award on behalf of his company Hays Travel. CLICK HERE.

Mr Hays who doubles as Quinny’s side kick at the Stadium of Shite (some daft twat has to be vice chairman), seems to be following in his wife’s footsteps when it comes to giving yourself a pat on the back and picking up worthless awards.

I bet the pillow talk in Irene and John’s boudoir must have been fucking interesting this week – imagine “my gong is bigger than your gong”.

Mr Monkey reckons it was only a matter of time before John got his own back on Irene after she picked up that meaningless piece of glass in London for being the Best Council of The Year.

Remember all the hype  shite that followed an award that was given by a fucking magazine of all things?

Sorry Irene and John but your joy is about to come to an abrupt end and you know why – yes you and all your Mackem trash are gonna get fucked by the Toon tomorrow.

31
Jan
09

A Man Called Horse

Mr Monkey was wondering how Steady Eddie, aka councillor McAtominey is getting on without his driving licence?

It can’t be easy popping out for a bottle of vodka or nipping down the Iona or Elmfied for a quick one when you’ve got to really on taxis or the wife.

Steady Eddie has always been renowned for his resourcefulness and his ability to make the best out of a bad situation but surely even this daft fuckwit wouldn’t do this would he? CLICK HERE.

31
Jan
09

Good time girl

Mr Monkey has been working on a book about the seedier side of the town’s maritime heritage.

As the book is almost finished and the Ark Royal is in town, Mr Monkey thought now is as good a time as any to share some of his work with you.

Whore of The Tyne explores the hidden world of dockside prostitution in South Shields and focuses on local woman, Ugly Betty, who in the 1960s and 70s frequented the Mill Dam area of the town and was notorious for selling companionship and sex to foreign sailors.

The book shows how the dockside sex trade differs from other sectors of the sex insustry and examines the main character’s solicitation strategies. It also explores the cultural dimensions of dockside relations and reveals a mundane reality far removed from mainstream society.

Beside Ugly Betty, the book also explores the role of club owners, taxi drivers, bouncers, barmaids and some of the more shadier characters who inhabit Ugly Betty’s world. 

By delving deep in to the past and talking to some of the people involved, Mr Monkey allows readers to enter the dockside underworld and engage with the shadowy hustlers of this hidden realm.

Through the eyes of Ugly Betty, readers will be able to look at different elements of “the game,” as she relives her life as a dockside prostitute in the fantasy world she created for sailors from around the world.

Her story ends with her integration back into society and her gradual acceptance by the establishment who were instrumental in burying her seedy past - until now.

30
Jan
09

Pantomine In West Park

'West Park Panto .. with Enid, Majorie and special guest star Buttons'

'West Park Panto .. with Enid, Majorie and special guest star Buttons'

West Park is about to gain notoriety as a panto venue with the maiden appearance of the Ugly Sisters, councillors Enid Hetherington and Marjorie Robinson.

After years of doing fuck all except riding on the coat tails of their late father, it seems someone has persuaded them it might be a good idea to do a ward surgery.

Mr Monkey reckons anyone foolish enough to turn up will feel as though they’re watching paint dry – and that’s just waiting for them to say hello.

Apparently there’ll be a third cast member present and Mr Monkey reckons it will be Buttons – but who is he?

Suspects include George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom’s lackey, Paul Walker who moonlights for the Progressives as their secretary or Ken Hickman who gives the impression he doesn’t even know what day of the week it is. Rumour has it that even the Fat Mackem Hobbit might put in an appearance.

It seems this latest brainwave in West Park has been years in the making and all Mr Monkey can say is .. look out behind you’  because Red Rum Elsom is about to stab you in the back.

30
Jan
09

Gazette Set To Enter Partnership With Council

Judging by the quality of yesterday’s toilet paper, the Shields Gazette, it seems times are hard. 

Owners Johnston Press are concerned about falling circulation, declining advertising revenues and this has inevitably led to speculation as to the long term future of the paper. They’ve already imposed a pay freeze on staff, offered staff voluntary redundancy and have consigned the Jarrow and Hebburn edition to the dustbin – leaving only a single South Shields edition. Despite these measures it seems the owners want more.

This morning there is fevered speculation that a number of proof readers are to be offered early retirement on the grounds of ill health. Apparently they’re suffering from poor eye sight which probably explains why the Gazette has so many mistakes in it.

No one was available to comment at Johnston Press headquarters in Edinburgh but Mr Monkey was able to speak to the editor of the Gazette.

Papa John Szymanski said,

“I would like to thank our proof readers for their dedication over the years and wish them well in their retirement.

We will not be replacing them as we have decided to expand our partnership with South Tyneside Council and I am delighted to announce that from 1st February the council’s Communication Department will be taking on the role of proof reading, censorship, design and final editing. This way I won’t have to spend so much time in the town hall and on the phone to my paymaster, council leader Iain Malcolm.

This is a partnership made in heaven, the council gets what it wants – total control of the Gazette and I get to do even less work than I do now and have first choice on all the leftovers at the council’s buffets. Iain has even promised that sausage rolls will be on every council buffet menu from February 1st.”

Mr Monkey reckons this probably explains yesterday’s fuck up where the same article advertising a ward surgery appeared on pages 13 and 45. Although whoever was responsible must have had a sense of humour because the picture they used of Ugly Betty, aka councillor McMillan did her now favours. It seems she’s piled on the beef or her face is swollen form some other activity – when did the Ark Royal arrive?

Either way she’s one hell of an ugly fucker and Mr Monkey reckons he’ll be quids in if he takes her trick or treating next Halloween – the folks on the Lawe Top would give you anything as long as they didn’t have to open the door to Ugly Betty.

29
Jan
09

What A Waste Of Money Ed .. ith

Reports reaching Mr Monkey suggest that councillor Ed .. ith Malcolm seems to have pissed her his money down the drain in pursuit of her his political ambitions.

Apparently Ed .. ith was taking elocution lessons so that she could speak ‘proper’ when it came to making her his maiden speech in Westminster. Unfortunately the dozy half of the Chuckle Brothers never made it past the first hurdle and her his efforts were thwarted by Labour North who decided to impose an all women’s shortlist on the Houghton and Washington East constituency to keep this scheming bastard out. Despite her his protests they discovered she had a dick and would therefore have to withdraw.

Ed .. ith has now been relegated to doing her his proper job – making a twat of her himself as lead member for resources. Apparently the Indy Alliance asked a series of searching questions at last week’s full council which seemed to have confused the fuck out of her him and turned her him into a blubbering wreck. He didn’t even manage a stutter.

Mr Monkey reckons that with this fuckwit in charge of the council’s finance we’re likelyto see more financial black holes than a galaxy far, far away.

29
Jan
09

Gaffe of The Week

Twat of the Week, CLICK HERE, South Shields MP and Foreign Secretary David Miliband has picked up yet another Monkey accolade.

This time Mr Monkey has awarded him the dubious title of Gaffe of The Week for his stupid, ill timed and un-researched remarks about South Shields town centre following a rare visit to his constituency; yes he does remember where South Shields is.

Here are just some examples of what our out of touch MP had to say:

“King Street is a lovely shopping area. I come down here quite often to visit the bank and stores”.

You’re a bit economical with the truth aren’t you David? Why not tell us how many times you’ve visited South Shields in the last 12 months? Whilst you’re at it tell us how many times you’ve been down ‘street’ – as you’re not from Shields and you spend so little time here, that’s King Street.

If Mr Monkey was to take a guess based on your press coverage (you don’t do anything without them hanging on to your coat tails) it seems you’ve made a personal appearance about 6 times in the last 12 months. You’ve never been down ‘street’ unless you count Colmans as being on King Street and you certainly ain’t been seen in many of the town centre shops.

When was you last in the Denmark Centre for example, if you’d have seen all the empty units you on your staged visit you might have been less inclined to make fuckwit comments.

If these stupid comments weren’t enough, ‘Brains’ went on to say,

“I think morale and spirits are high in South Shields, and there’s still a lot of people coming to use the shops, especially on a Friday.”

This just shows how out of touch you are. Either that or your swallowed the council’s spin as presented by the town hall’s number one plonky, Rick O’Farrell.

Come on David a man with your connections should check the information you’rebeing spoon fed, especially when it comes from someone who at best has a dubious background in local and regional government. Just ask your colleagues researchers to tell you about the fuck ups he made whilst working for the Regional Government office and the millions it cost the public purse

Instead of speaking to the managers of Marks and Spencers and Burtons why didn’t you ask some of the shoe shops, cafes, bars, pound shops and card shops what they thought. Why didn’t you ask the market traders or better still why didn’t you some of the ‘many shoppers’ you bumped into – after all wasn’t it a Friday when you cane to town? At least that’s when your Labour party dinner was.

Come on David it’s time you stopped insulting the intelligence of the people of South Tyneside – you might believe your own bullshit but the public have seen right through you and your spin and if you keep making gaffes like this your future almost certainly lies in the House of Lords – but then every cloud has a silver lining especially if you’re in the Labour party!

28
Jan
09

A Picture Never Lies .. Unless It’s In The Gazette

It seems the old adage of ‘a picture never lies’ doesn’t apply to the Shields Gazette Malcom Fanzine.

£3.5m scheme ... on this site.Mr Monkey saw this picture today and thought there was something different about Miss Piggy’s hairstyle. He also noticed that Vodka Lil aka Eileen Leask looked sober for a change.

On closer examination it seems the picture was taken at least 6 months ago because the tall chap with the orange tie is Paul Walker, the former Head of Regulatory Services who left the council back in July 2008.

Seems the fuckwits at the Gazette share something with the Fat Mackem Hobbit after all – the use the same opticians!

28
Jan
09

Good News, Bad News and The Spokesperson Said ..

Have you noticed how every time Miss Piggy, aka council leader Iain Malcolm and his lackeys fail to bribe control Papa John Szymanski the media and a story criticising the council appears the council suddenly becomes a faceless organisation?

Since May the once proud and iindependent Shields Gazette has become nothing more than the official voice of the local Labour party and if you’re stupid enough to waste 42p on this toilet paper you’ll notice that it’s always full of Labour spin and pictures of smiley Labour councillors.

If you were a visitor to South Tyneside you could be forgiven for thinking that the council consisted solelyof Labour councillors with no opposition and that you were in some kind of utopia where everything is perfect, where apparently even the MP pops down to the town centre to do his daily shopping!

On the rare occassion a critical piece does slip through the Malcolm Censorship Panel – probably because the editor, Papa John Szyamanski is too busy stuffing his chubby face with sausage rolls to notice – you never see those same smiley councillors posing for the cameras, instead they run for cover quicker than Ugly Betty, aka councillor McMillan can get on to a newly docked ship!

Readers will also notice that instead of the usual spin of “The leader of South Tyneside council said ..” the public are fed a diet of shite with “a spokesperson for South Tyneside Council said .. “

Take a look at these two recent examples:

this article appeared in the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine on 24th January and was critical of the council. CLICK HERE. The article was accompanied by a picture of the town hall and included the following lines, ‘A South Tyneside Council spokesman said’ and ‘a spokesman for South Tyneside Council questioned the findings’.

Now compare it to,

this article which appeared in the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine on 21st January telling the world how the council leader intends to keep the council tax rise to under 3%. CLICK HERE. But this time the article was accompanied by a smiley picture of Miss Piggy, aka councillor Iain Malcolm and it also made 4 references to either ‘the council leader’ or councillor Iain Malcolm and included the lines, ‘He said’ and ‘Coun Malcolm said’.

Mr Monkey reckons when it comes to good news Labour councillors group fight like ferrets in a sack yet when it comes to bad news or news that they haven’t been able to spin they’re a bunch of faceless cowards who disappear into the mire quicker than Iain Malcolm does when Newcastle Airport is mentioned.

27
Jan
09

Shame On You – You’re A Disgrace

Today is Holocaust Memorial Day.

Yes January 27th is the day when people throughout the world remember the victims of the Nazi Holocaust and of more recent genocides in Cambodia, Darfur, Bosnia, Rwanda, Iraq and Palestine.

Numerous ceremonies to remember the victims of these atrocities have taken place up and down the country including here in South Tyneside where each year the Mayor hosts a ceremony on behalf of the people of the borough to make the occasion.

Apparently today’s guests included a select band of children, members of the public, church goers, a few council officers, a handful of councillors and the usual band of Labour party activists – Mr Monkey is still waiting for details of these scrounging bastards but can confirm that Pat Morris and Jack Brown were seen loitering around the buffet table.

The ceremony itself apparently included several readings, recitals, a prayer, and a few words (via letters) from our local MP’s. There was also a flower laying and candle lighting ceremony.

Mr Monkey can confirm that although today’s ceremony was well attended it seems most councillors, executive directors of the council and business leaders couldn’t be bothered to turn up.

According to a source inside the town hall only 11 councillors out of a possible 54 had the decency to make an appearance, these included: councillors Alex Donaldson, John Anglin, Peter Boyack, Jim Foreman, Ahmed Khan, Jane Branley, Joan Meeks, Tom Piggot, Jimmy Sewell, Ernest Gibson and Alan Kerr.

Notable absences included the Chuckle Brothers, aka Ian and Ed Malcolm, Michael Clare, Bill Brady (Lead Member for Equality and Diversity), Tracy Dixon, Joanne Bell, Audrey McMillan, Linda Waggott, Barry Scorer, John McCabe, Jim Perry and Tom Hanson.

The King of Sleaze Tory Boy David Potts and his two stooges Wood and Millburn, all three Liberal Democrats, the two representatives of the We’ve Finally Made Our Mind Up Party Real Independents councillors Lurch and Red Rum Haram and Elsom plus their new lackey Tom Defty were all conspicuous by their absence.

Apparently the Progressives didn’t bother turning up because they still think its 1986.

Mr Monkey reckons that each and every one of you lazy bastards who couldn’t be bothered to turn up should hang your heads in shame – in the words of the King of Sleaze .. “you’re a disgrace”.




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