Archive for February, 2009

28
Feb
09

twat of the week

"TWAT OF THE WEEK"

"TWAT OF THE WEEK"

Mr Monkey should have known that finding a ‘Twat of The Week’ was always going to be difficult once this picture of David ‘Birdman’ MacLean appeared, CLICK HERE. 

What this chimp didn’t realise was that there would be so many twats worthy of the title.

Contenders for this coveted award are:

  • Karen Allen - for thinking a Tory has a chance of getting elected in South Shields.
  • John Szymanski - for handing over editorial control of the Shields Gazette to his paymaster Iain Malcolm.
  • The King of Sleaze, David Potts - for presenting the Tories budget whilst pissed.
  • ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm - for confirming what the world already knows; he’s a blithering, stuttering idiot with the intelligence of a slug.
  • The Patron Slut of Sailors, aka Audrey McMillan - who this week realised there’s no local election until 2010.
  • Wilma Waggott, aka Linda - for remembering she represets Boldon Colliery and not Bede.
  • Victor ‘is anyone home’ Thompson - for remembering what day of the week full council is held on.
  • Mr Miserable, aka Tom Defty - for confirming what everyone knew, he’s joined the Real Independents because George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom promised to pay for his Christmas cards.
  • Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask - for listening to council leader Iain Malcolm who convinced her to resign as a governor of Bamburgh School.

and the winner is .. Big Ed Malcolm.

28
Feb
09

The return of the monkey

After spending a couple of days with his family Mr Monkey’s feeling relaxed, refreshed and raring to go.  

It seems this chimp has missed all the fun and games, especially at Thursday’s full council meeting.

Apparently the King of Sleaze, Tory Boy Potts made a right twat of himself with his ill thought out budget proposal. One of Mr Monkey’s sources reckons Pudgy Face’s pathetic performance might have been alcohol related – apparently he was stinking of drink, but more of this later.

Don’t worry bloggers it wont take long to catch up with what’s been happening, especially with so many loose lipped politicians ready to tell Mr Monkey anything after he’s bought them a pint or two.

26
Feb
09

Other things to do

'Happy birthday mam'

'Happy birthday mam'

Sorry bloggers but posting has taken second place today because Mr Monkey has spent the day at the metro centre with his mam who celebrates her 80th birthday tommorrow.

Tonight Mr Monkey is hosting a family get together – so he won’t be posting again this evening.

Mr Monkey is unlikely to post tommorrow as the monkey clan are spending the day at a country hotel, but normal service should resume on Saturday.

26
Feb
09

Thanks patricia

Patricia – Mr Monkey has your e-mail details and will be in touch.

26
Feb
09

Aunt Sally Speaks!

'Aunt Sally scares anyone but Big Ed Malcolm'

'Aunt Sally scares anyone but Big Ed Malcolm'

Big Ed Malcolm’s scarecrow councillor Olive Punchion, aka Aunt Sally is not the dumb bitch she’s made out to be. At least that’s what the council’s press office would like you to think. 

According to this article that appears in the local snooze paper CLICK HERE Biddick Hall, Whiteleas and West Harton is the latest area to get its own Police and Community Together (Pact) forum and Aunt Sally had this to say,

“The council works closely with the police and other partners to tackle crime and anti-social behaviour, but we can achieve nothing without the involvement of those who matter the most – local residents.” 

Anyone who knows Aunt Sally will tell you that this crap cannot have originated in her favourite cornfield (more of this later) because the old scarecrow is just not capable of churning out such words of wisdom.
Thank heavens for the council’s press office, the local Labour party would be lost without it. 
25
Feb
09

Vodka Lil Hits the bottle

Vodka Lil, aka councillor Eileen Leask, the other Labour stooge for Horsley Hill has resigned as a Governor at Bamburgh Special School – apparently for ‘personal’ reasons.

Mr Monkey has been told that Iain Malcolm played an absolute blinder by timing his announcement of a change of heart on the SEN review with Vodka Lil’s resignation and this chimp reckons Vodka Lil is set to be Miss Piggy’s scapegoat.

Sources close to council leader Miss Piggy have told Mr Monkey on many occasions that Vodka Lil will be sacrificed at the next election and is likely to be replaced by the 5 times married Arthur Meeks who lost his seat to Indy councillor Gordon Finch.

Parents at Bamburgh are already angry with councillor Leask who they believe has sided with Miss Piggy and his Labour piglets. Apparently the pressure has got to this vodka slurping bitch and she’s been conned into believing she’s better off out of it. She’s been told it will improve her election chances and the stupid twat believed it.

Mr Monkey would like to remind Vodka Lil that the only person her resignation will help is Arthur Meeks who Iain Malcolm is determined to bring back in to the fold.

25
Feb
09

Comment Moderation off

Comment moderation has now been switched off so our comments are visible.

Thanks to everyone who to took the time to contact this chimp – you’ve given him some excellent leads.

Special thanks to Don, Bob, Linda, Cathy and Phil.

25
Feb
09

Tory Totty

'Tory totty'

'Tory totty'

So the worst kept secret in the South Shields Conservative party is out – Karen Allen has been selected as the Tory candidate to challenge ‘numb nuts’ Miliband at the next general election.

Mr Monkey would like to offer his congratulations to Karen for getting the nomination and for stopping The King of Sleaze, aka Tory Boy David Potts from being thrust on the good people of South Shields.

Apparently ‘local’ lass Karen is relishing the prospect of fighting her first election campaign in her home town, but as with most politicians, everything is not what it seems.

Karen is was a local lass until she moved to London in 2001 to study. She never returned to the North East, insteaed she stayed in London and got herself a well paid ‘city’ job with Lloyds of London.

Mr Monkey has no problem with this but don’t con people into thinking your something you’re not; a local lass. If you work in London – and if Mr Monkey’s sucpisions are right – you probably own a house in London, you must live in London.

Mr Monkey reckons she ‘s one of those people who will use her ‘working class’ roots here in South Shields to suit her needs and will keep ramming it down our throats until the election.

But this chimp reckons that since 2001 she spent less and less time in South Shields and now only returns for birthdays, weddings, christenings, funerals and Christmases – until now!

All that is about to change – at least until the general election as she tries to con the people of South Shields into thinking she’s the girl next door. But Mr Monkey reckons her new found love for Shields will be short lived; she’s not going to win the seat and will disappear back to London the day after the election.

At least Karen is set to bring some glamour to the local political scene and it’ll make a pleasant change from looking at all those wizened old ugly bitches in the Labour party.

24
Feb
09

Comment Moderation On

Comment moderation is now on and will be disabled at 9am tomorrow so now is your chance to say what you want without anyone except Mr Monkey seeing it.

24
Feb
09

Mr Monkey Needs you!

Mr Monkey has been speaking to a voice from Miss Piggy’s, aka council leader Iain Malcolm’s past and is in possession of some damning information about how he and his colleagues kept their seats in Horsley Hill at the turn of the millennium.

It seems that Miss Piggy’s may have cheated one of his opponents out of victory by fixing the ballot to suit himself.

Before Mr Monkey posts the full details of what this power mad hog got up to, he would like to contact Patricia Pigott a local Conservative who may have been the victim of Miss Piggy’s antics.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Patricia or has any information about the 2000 and 2004 local elections please post details in the comments section of this post tonight between 9pm and 9am when Mr Monkey will be applying comment moderation so only he can read what you post.

All information posted will be treated in the strictest of confidence and will not be revealed under any circumstances, just start your post with the word confidential.




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