Archive for May, 2009

31
May
09

monkey clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to councillor George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom the junk loving fuckwit from Cleadon Park.

30
May
09

twat of the week

'In love with himself - Red Rum Elsom'

'In love with himself - Red Rum Elsom'

 This week’s winner of the Twat of the Week award – by a country mile – is George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom the fuckwit with gleaming false teeth, slicked back dyed hair and a fake personality tan.

Judging by the shit in this week’s Gazette, it seems that the Real Independent councillor from Aintree Cleadon Park is still battling with junk CLICK HERE – this time it’s his mail. Mr Monkey reckons that we now know the real reason why councillor Elsom was in his wheelie bin CLICK HERE  – he was looking for a winning lottery ticket.

Now we learn that potholes are driving ‘Red Rum’ Elsom round the bend CLICK HERE

Sorry George but most peoeple already know you are as mad as a hatter and that pothole you keep talking about is your mouth.

28
May
09

the return of woody

After being consigned to the scrap heap by the people of Beacon and Bents it seems former Labour councillor John ‘Woody’ Morris has decided the time is right to make a comeback.

Despite telling anyone how would listen after he was beaten by Indy councillor Ahmed Khan in the 2008 election that he wouldn’t be like the rest of them and try to “get back in”, it’s taken him just a year to change his mind.

 Mr Monkey can’t help wondering whether the £16,000 + a year he used to get and all the freebies that went with being a Labour councillor are the real reasons why he wants to make a quick return – either that or he misses the thrill of shagging in the lift.

27
May
09

twinkle toes

Mr Monkey popped into his local for a swift one last night and caught a glimpse of Britains Got Talent – seems the whole country is obsessed with reality tv shows.

This chimp couldn’t help noticing that one of last night’s semi finalist – a brother and sister team – looked as though they came straight from the set of Strictly Come Dancing as they performed a high octane ballroom dancing routine.

Mr Monkey mentioned that he thought it was a shame that more people did’nt take up ballroom dancing and to his surprise a number of locals admitted that they were taking lessons and that they’d been on a waiting list for several months before the could join a class.

What Mr Monkey heard next had this chimp falling about in fits of laughter and he almost choked on his beer.

Apparently councillor Ed Malcolm, aka ‘Big’ Ed and his long term slapper lover councillor Olive Punchion, aka Aunt Sally have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for several months and they’re still crap at it.

Mr Monkey reckons councillor Malcolm’s desire to become the belle off the ball may stem from his childhood fascination with dressing up dolls. Either that or he intends to marry Aunt Sally and wants to surprise his guests when the odd ‘happy couple’ perform the first dance.

The thought of Ed and Olive strutting their stuff on their wedding day is enough to give anyone a nightmare.

Imagine Aunt Sally, the 80 year old scarecrow clinging onto ‘Big’ Ed, the 4ft dwarf for all she’s worth? And what about Big Ed hugging Aunt Sally in a motherly embrace for comfort and security, and to stop him falling over – it’s a good job she’s past lactating or he’d be suckling her too.

But don’t worry Ed, whatever happens this chimp will be there to witness your big day, you have little choice but to invite him!

25
May
09

deputy mayor, councillor Tom Piggott will step down in 2010

Earlier this week Mr Monkey told bloggers that he was following up a story about the new deputy mayor, councillor Tom Piggot. CLICK HERE.

Mr Monkey can now reveal that councillor Piggott the current deputy mayor has been persuaded to step down in late February to make way for Joyce Welsh.

Councillor Malcolm has been grooming Joyce Welsh for several years and is seen by him as a major player in his attempt to keep the Independents out of Biddick Hall. He has recently put her in charge of the women’s group of the local Labour party, appointed her as a school governor and has put her on several outside bodies where she represents the council.

There’s only one problem – his brother Ed Malcolm’s long term mistress councillor Olive Punchion is due for re-election in 2010 and she has no intention of standing down, especially to make way for a usurper.

Mr Monkey has now learned that councillor Piggott will retire on ill health grounds just before the deadline for nominations in 2010. This will allow Iain Malcolm to impose Joyce Welsh on the ward without the need to follow the selection process.

He has told his close associates that his plan would also catch the Independents off guard as they would not have enough time to find a second candidate – that was until Mr Monkey revealed his plan to the world.

24
May
09

monkey clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to the greediest bastard on South Tyneside Council.

Labour councillor Ernest Gibson, the Whiteleas sex machine known for his love of everything – as long as it’s free – managed to milk the council’s expenses system and claimed almost £5,000 for travel, hotel accommodation and meals.

Pay careful attention to the thing in the grey suit, he reminds Mr Monkey of council leader Iain Malcolm. The ‘baby’ also reminds this chimp of the new mayor, councillor John Anglin.

23
May
09

miss piggy orders a new set of wheels – paid for by you

'Piggy's wheels'

'Piggy's wheels'

Mr Monkey wonders how many people know that South Tyneside council recently did it’s bit to help the ailing British car industry by buying another Swedish car? A fuckwit Iain Malcolm in the town hall decided that it was time to add another black Volvo to the growing collection of council vehicles.

Apparently Iain Malcolm, aka Miss Piggy didn’t want the new deputy mayor, coun Tom Piggott travelling round the borough on his own, because he couldn’t be sure what he’d say. To avoid any embarrassing Piggott moments, coun Malcolm thought the deputy mayor should always be accompanied?

The council already has one black Volvo which comes complete with a chauffeur and it’s used mainly by the mayor, although Iain Malcolm has been known to use it when he needs a lift to the airport. Mr Monkey has now been told coun Iain Malcolm felt that one wasn’t enough so in these difficult economic times – when people are struggling financially – he  decided the time was right to buy a second one. 

He also thought he’d do his bit to help massage the unemployment figures by recruiting another chauffeur – what good is a car without a driver?




Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.