Archive for the 'Alcoholic' Category


vodka lil will be fucked tonight

Vodka Lil, aka councillor Eileen Leask who knows how to fiddle the benefits system but doesn’t know what day of the the week it is when she’s had a couple of vodkas will be well and truly fucked tonight – not by Peter – he’s got no balls.

For bloggers who are not familiar with councillor Leask, aka Vodka Lil she’s one of 2 Labour councillors in Horlsey Hill, the other one is Miss Piggy, aka council leader Iain Malcolm.

Councillor Leask has a reputation for being a total piss head and is one of those people that no one wants to know when she’s drunk. Her behaviour is outrageous and she’s an embarrassment to those unfortunate enough to be in her company.

This fuckwit also has a reputation for being brain dead and is referred to as thick twat by some of her colleagues.

Despite all this baggage, her ward colleague, council leader Iain Malcolm has bought her loyalty by giving her the chair of the Tyne and Wear Pensions committee which is responsible for billions of pounds worth of pension assets. The position carries a yearly allowance of nearly £10,000 and is renowned for its freebies and junkets.

Mr Monkey has learned that the Pensions committee has spent the last 3 days on a junket in the South of England and will be returning to Newcastle – via first class rail travel – later tonight. Apparently the poor bastards are fucked tired following 3 days of over eating, drinking and being entertained at the publics expense.

Mr Monkey hopes Vodka Lil is going to declare this holiday to the Benefits Agency?


Potts Bats For Both Sides .. And Not Just Politically

'Love is in the air'

'Love is in the air'

For months the King of Sleaze, councillor David Potts has been obsessed with unmasking the chimp behind Mr Monkey’s Blog.

Poor old Pudgy Face – little did he know that he came within a whisker of revealing the person behind the monkey on Tuesday night when he and his male ‘friend’ enjoyed an intimate meal at  Brunnelos No 5 restaurant, above the Wheatsheaf pub in Boldon.

Mr Monkey nearly choked on his starter when The King of Sleaze and his male companion entered the restaurant. They had a couple of pre-dinner drinks before siting down for their meal. They left about an hour later but Mr Monkey couldn’t see whether they were holding hands or not.

It seems councillor Potts has alot more in common with council leader Iain Malcolm, aka Miss Piggy than this chimp first thought – they’re both fond of faggots.


twat of the week



Mr Monkey should have known that finding a ‘Twat of The Week’ was always going to be difficult once this picture of David ‘Birdman’ MacLean appeared, CLICK HERE. 

What this chimp didn’t realise was that there would be so many twats worthy of the title.

Contenders for this coveted award are:

  • Karen Allen - for thinking a Tory has a chance of getting elected in South Shields.
  • John Szymanski - for handing over editorial control of the Shields Gazette to his paymaster Iain Malcolm.
  • The King of Sleaze, David Potts - for presenting the Tories budget whilst pissed.
  • ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm - for confirming what the world already knows; he’s a blithering, stuttering idiot with the intelligence of a slug.
  • The Patron Slut of Sailors, aka Audrey McMillan - who this week realised there’s no local election until 2010.
  • Wilma Waggott, aka Linda - for remembering she represets Boldon Colliery and not Bede.
  • Victor ‘is anyone home’ Thompson - for remembering what day of the week full council is held on.
  • Mr Miserable, aka Tom Defty - for confirming what everyone knew, he’s joined the Real Independents because George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom promised to pay for his Christmas cards.
  • Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask - for listening to council leader Iain Malcolm who convinced her to resign as a governor of Bamburgh School.

and the winner is .. Big Ed Malcolm.


Vodka Lil Hits the bottle

Vodka Lil, aka councillor Eileen Leask, the other Labour stooge for Horsley Hill has resigned as a Governor at Bamburgh Special School – apparently for ‘personal’ reasons.

Mr Monkey has been told that Iain Malcolm played an absolute blinder by timing his announcement of a change of heart on the SEN review with Vodka Lil’s resignation and this chimp reckons Vodka Lil is set to be Miss Piggy’s scapegoat.

Sources close to council leader Miss Piggy have told Mr Monkey on many occasions that Vodka Lil will be sacrificed at the next election and is likely to be replaced by the 5 times married Arthur Meeks who lost his seat to Indy councillor Gordon Finch.

Parents at Bamburgh are already angry with councillor Leask who they believe has sided with Miss Piggy and his Labour piglets. Apparently the pressure has got to this vodka slurping bitch and she’s been conned into believing she’s better off out of it. She’s been told it will improve her election chances and the stupid twat believed it.

Mr Monkey would like to remind Vodka Lil that the only person her resignation will help is Arthur Meeks who Iain Malcolm is determined to bring back in to the fold.


Miss Piggy kicks McAtominey when he’s down

Steady Eddie, councillor McAtominey has been dealt a body blow after he was kicked off another outside body by Miss Piggy.

Since being convicted of drink driving and failing to provide a sample, councillor McAtominey has been removed from his well paid positions in the cabinet and on the Northumbria Police Authority and has seen his income drop by nearly £20,000 per year.

Mr Monkey has now learned that Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm has put another nail in Steady Eddie’s coffin by removing him from the Tyne and Wear Waste Management Partnership and replacing him with On the Buses star Jim ‘Arthur’ Foreman.

It seems Miss Piggy will stop at nothing to make sure that any threat to his leadership is eliminated.

But Mr Monkey reckons he’s looking in the wrong place – he needs to take a closer look around his kitchen table on a Friday night because that’s where his biggest threat lies.


REVIEW OF 2008: I Told You So!

Vodka Lil will do anything to get back in Iain's good books .. even hand over her favourite vodka bottle.

Vodka Lil will do anything to get back in Iain's good books .. even hand over her favourite vodka bottle.

Following The Monkey’s exclusive revelations that Vodka Lil Coun Eileen Leask was top of Iain Malcolm’s hit list, it seems mass panic has set in amongst the Labour rank and file resulting in Iain Malcolm trying to appease Vodka Lil Coun Eileen Leask that there was no truth in the The Monkey’s revelations.

In a follow up post, The Monkey said,

“Coun Malcolm is already drawing up plans for a public show of unity, so watch out for several stories complete with photographs of Couns Leask and Malcolm in the Gazette over the next few weeks. The Monkey reckons Malcolm’s latest play thing, John Szymanski, will get the call very soon!”

Low and behold within hours The Monkey opens up the pages of the Gazete and there they both are!

The Monkey wonders what kind of double dealing hypocrite would tell his inner circle that he intends getting rid of Vodka Lil Coun Eileen Leask one minute to then suddenly pretend everything is fine and dandy the next?

It seems as though Iain Malcolm was well and truly caught with his pants down yet again. 

The Monkey is not surprised by this sudden change of heart especially as it comes from someone who has spent most of his life hiding in the closet!


REVIEW OF 2008: Has Waggott Stabbed McAtominey in The Back?

This post first appeared after Steady Eddie’s first arrest on suspicion of drink driving. He protested his innocence and said he’d fight to clear his name.


Steady Eddie spent the next 8 months wasting the police and court’s time pleading not guilty and using every trick in the book to wriggle out of being convicted. But Mr Monkey reckons he was trying to protect his lucrative paid positions on the council and the police authority.


Unfortunately for the borough’s number one pisshead, he was caught drink driving a second time. This time he pleaded guilty, was banned from driving and was forced out resigned from his paid positions.


He decided to change his plea to his first offence and was rightly convicted of failing to provide a specimen.


Councillor McAtominey offered no apology for wasting thousands of pounds of public money, instead we had to listen to yet another sob story about his illness and how it had caused him to turn to drink.


What a lying bastard, ask anyone in the Labour party about his drinking habits and they’ll tell you he’s always been a pisshead and has never been able to control his excessive drinking.


Reports have reached The Monkey that Paul Waggott is the latest suspect in the Eddie McAtominey saga. ‘Steady Eddie’ as he has become known, believes that he was deliberately set up by someone in an attempt to get rid of him, he claims the police were lying in wait when he fell out of the pub pissed as a fart – nothing to do with good policing and vigilant officers then!


According to a source close to ‘Steady Eddie’ the number one suspect has always been Iain Malcolm as he clearly stood to gain most from the demise of his number one foe.  However, it has now emerged that former council leader Paul Waggott who was rejected by the people of Fellgate and Hedworth planned on making a quicker than expected comeback.


Apparently Waggott has earmarked ‘Steady Eddie’s’ seat if as suspected he gets the boot in August.


The Monkey reckons this explains the sudden burst of activity in the town hall to stitch up bestow the honorary title of Freedom of the Borough on Paul Waggott – talk about killing two birds with one stone. 


This leaves Iain Malcolm with a dilemma of immense proportions, who does he hate most ‘Steady Eddie’ or ‘The Poison Dwarf’?


Former Conservative Parliamentary Candidate Father’s A Bastard

'If only she'd learned her highway code'

'If only she'd learned her highway code'

Seems The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts who loves nothing more than putting his dick about may have scored an own goal of mega proportions.

For several days the talk in the members room has been about Pudgy Face Potts and how he’s managed to get his long suffering girlfriend pregnant – the free condoms had holes in them!

Seems this drunken former Conservative Parliamentary candidate and failed local politician who has a reputation for hard drinking and fucking anything with a hole may have fathered a bastard. Apparently he’s been telling anyone that would listen he’s got no intention of doing the decent thing and marrying the poor lass – he claims he’s too young and is not ready to settle down yet.

Mr Monkey reckons this latest example of Conservative family values as demonstrated by it’s group leader will put paid to any outside chance councillor Potts had of ever making a career out of politics.

Perhaps it’s time the lazy bastard found himself a real job .. something like a male prostitute. That way he get to do the things he really wants like fuck, be fucked whilst earning a few quid. But isn’t that what he’s doing already since he sold out his party to Labour council leader Iain Malcolm for thirty pieces of silver?


Eddie Makes An Ass Out of The Law

Hebburn’s number one piss headand convicted drunk driver councillor Eddie McAtominey seems to have played a blinder yesterday by making an ass out of the law.

Steady ‘hic’ Eddie who was convicted of drink driving earlier this month and who was eventually forced resigned from his highly lucrative paid positions on the council and the Police Authority faced another charge of failing to provide a specimen following his arrest on suspicion of drink driving back in April.

Since then councillor McAtominey has consistently protested his innocence and has made a number of appearances before Magistrates in South Shields and Peterlee where he’s pleaded not guilty.

Unfortunately the lying bastard was caught red handed at the wheel of his car earlier this month after buying a bottle of vodka and drinking it before throwing the empty bottle over a wall and getting into his car to drive home. This time he was fucked and decided he’d better plead guilty.

He appeared before South Shields Magistrates the following day and was banned from driving for 22 months.

The same week his representative Terence Carney appeared before Peterlee Magistrates to continue the not guilty charade and a pre-trial date was set for 28th November.

Yesterday the piss head changed his mind and after months of prevaricating, lying, cheating and wasting thousands of pounds of taxpayers money and hundreds of hours of court time the scheming bastard pleaded guilty in the hope he would get off lightly.

Mr Monkey can’t believe that the stupid fucking Magistrates actually fell for his con, unless of course they took pity on the cancer pickled liver conman. Or did they now him? Seems justice was not done on this occasion and the sentence slap on the wrist certainly didn’t fit the crime.

A twelve month ban and a couple of hundred quid fine no way reflects the seriousness of his crime. The drunken bastard could have killed and injured innocent people; including children.

Seems the Magistrates at Peterlee may have forgotten why they volunteered for the bench in the first place – either that or it’s time they made way for people with balls.

Mr Monkey can’t wait to see what Labour North will make of all this, but they’re not exactly renowned for their balls unless they’re playing with each others!


Is She Related?

Mr Monkey wonders whether this CLICK HERE convicted drunken driver is any relation to Steady ‘hic’ Eddie McAtominey especially as the reasons she gave for becoming a common criminal are nearly as bizarre as those given by councillor McAtominey.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.