twat of the week

True blue: is coun Potts the only gay in the village?

There is only one contender for the  Twat of the Week award and that’s the King of Sleaze, Tory Boy councillor David Potts.

This chimp can reveal that Pudgy Face turned up to last Sunday’s count at Temple Park leisure centre – where the votes for the European election were being counted – dressed like a faggot straight from the set of Little Britain’s ‘I’m the only gay in the village’.

Mr Monkey can confirm that councillor Potts was pissed as usual when he arrived and was stinking of alcohol, slurring his words and appeared to find it difficult to walk in a straight line, but even this was over shadowed by his outrageous sense of dress.

The King of Sleaze was dressed in a fitted purple tee shirt, tight grey trousers and zebra print shoes. He was probably also wearing a pink leather thong – with a built in dildo – but thankfully he managed to keep his trousers on.

Many people suspect councillor Potts swings both ways and after Sunday’s appearance at Temple Park, Mr Monkey reckons that the sleazy Tory councillor who represents Cleadon and East Boldon is as bent as his mentor, council leader Iain Malcolm.

Mr Monkey wonders if this explains councillor Malcolm’s ‘friendship’ with the Tory group leader – surely he doesn’t fancy him does he?

donkey to become mayor

'The next deputy mayor but who'll be his consort?'

It seems South Tyneside council’s ruling Labour group is set to take the piss out of the people of the borough by following Hartlepool’s example and opting for animal as it’s mayor.

A source close to the ‘old fish wife’, aka councillor Barry Scorer has confirmed that the next deputy mayor - who by default becomes mayor – is none other than Donkey, aka councillor urgh, urgh Sewell.

There’s currently a debate raging in the Labour party about who his deputy mayoress is likely to be given that the dirty bastard was caught cheating on his wife. Although Mr Monkey has learned she’s recently allowed him back into her life now that he’s washed his dick and promised not to wander again.

Mr Monkey reckons he’s bribed her with an offer to become mayoress, but he’s now worried that his best mate Shrek, aka councillor Gibson will spill the beans on what they really get up to when they’re out on the drink, especially as he feels he’s been stabbed in the back and is unlikely to become Donkey’s consort.

Whatever happens, the mayor’s parlour is certain to become a drinking den, at our expense and Dorothy Wilcox won’t take too well to mucking out - it couldn’t happen to a nicer person.

is Miss Piggy about to be spit roasted?

'Spit roast'

Miss Piggy, aka council leader Iain Malcolm has been having a few nightmares recently wondering what Mr Monkey is up to, especially since bloggers gave this mischievous ape some useful pointers of where to dig when he applied comment moderation earlier in the week – and Mr Monkey has been busy ever since.

Apparently Miss Piggy doesn’t just have an odd skeleton in his closet, he’s got a whole grave yard full and one voice he doesn’t want to hear is that of Mary Taylor - she’s got some pretty damning evidence about councillor Iain Malcolm’s hatred of the British democratic system.

Miss Piggy will be horrified to learn that this voice from his past has been whispering in Mr Monkey’s ear and that this chimp is set to reveal all, very soon.

No wonder Miss Piggy can’t sleep when there’s so many people wanting ’spit roast’ their favourite piece of pork!

Monkey Clip

As it’s nearly Christmas Mr Monkey thought it’s time he showed a little bit of Christmas spirit so he’s dedicating this week’s Monkey Clip to Council Leader Iain Malcolm – a man in denial.

CLICK HERE and enjoy.

The Top Club’s Queen of Sleaze

Who said Iain's gay?

Mr Monkey promised to tell you the tale about Andrea from The Top Club, one of Iain Malcolm’s former associates, so here it is.

Ed Malcolm, aka Frank Sidebottom, was overheard at the Labour Conference this year saying how shocked he was that Mr Monkey alleged that his brother Miss Piggy is gay. “Him! Gay!” he was heard shouting next to the Northumbrian Water stand – “How can they say he’s gay?”

Well this stupid granny shagger must be blind as well as daft – it might explain why he keeps poking old Olive Punchion.

Although Ed might have a fair point, after all brother Iain goes to great lengths to prove just how butch he is.

Back in the old days, Iain, The Queen of Sleaze, would slow right down in his old red Rover, wind down his window and shout ‘phwoarrrr’ any lass under the age of 50.

Sometimes, after all of his council meetings had finished, he’d head over to the Top Club where he’d prop up the bar making lewd gags to this poor lass called Andrea who worked behind the bar. He’s grab any opportunity he got to try and prove he was straight, he’d make bawdy jokes to Andrea about how he’d love to take her home and bang her till she couldn’t walk. That was until she called his bluff and said ‘OK take me home then, Iain’, the poor bastard ran a mile.

He might have been horny, but it’ll have been the bouncer he was interested in, not Andrea. To make matters worse it turned out that Andrea was related to Paul Waggott - the man he helped oust from Fellgate!

Mr Monkey has looked at part of Iain’s personal life (the attempt to arrange a marriage will be kept under wraps for now). Next up will be his political life, in particularly his love of leaks and all things postal.

Mr Monkey will reveal exactly how Paul Waggott’s infamous ‘lunatics’ e.mail reached the Shields Gazette back in January. Stay tuned to find out who leaked it, authorised it, printed it and posted it, and exactly who to.

He’ll be spitting FEATHERS when Mr Monkey delves deeper into his postbox fun .. did someone say FEATHERS?

Arse Abuse

"Cum on Jimmy give it me harder"

Mr Monkey decided to take a peek at the browsing history of the computer in the members lounge and was surprised to see this picture.

It seems that the Whitelees Sex Machine, councillor Ernest Gibson has been spending a bit of time browsing dating sites in a desperate attempt to find  a shag. Apparently he’s been attaching this picture of him posing in a swimming pool whilst on holiday in Majorca to some of his outgoing messages.

Looking at the message on his trunks, Mr Monkey wonders what his holiday companion, councillor Sewell was doing to the poor bastard when he was pissed - who knows – spanking Shrek’s arse might just have given Jimmy a hard on.

Be careful lads, now your secret’s out your boss might cum calling, apparently he’s paritial to a bit of arse abuse!

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to councillor Iain Malcolm aka ’Miss Piggy’ and the Chief Executive of South Tyneside Council, Irene Lucas – we all know how much they love each other! CLICK HERE.

League of Extraordinary Perverts

Mr Monkey spent most of last night watching films.

One of the films was called The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and it gave Mr Monkey a great idea. Why not start a League of Extraordinary Perverts, there are enough of them on the local political scene in South Tyneside.

Mr Monkey is busy researching possible members and will be posting on this subject again very soon.

Malcolm’s Lazy Sunday Afternoon

"Look at me now"

Rumour has it that Council Leader Iain Malcolm loves nothing more than cross dressing for the occasion.

His fascination with dressing is reputed to have started at an early age when he discovered his sisters dolls.

Mr Monkey has been told that councillor Malcolm loves nothing better than retreating to his Scottish hideaway for the weekend to indulge in his favourite pastimes.

It certainly brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘a lazy Sunday afternoon’.

Great North Run

Posts will be a bit light today as Mr Monkey will be spending most of the day watching the Great North Run. After the heavy rain of the last few days it looks as though the sun is going to shine, although it looks bloody cold.

Mr Monkey believes that events such as this need the support of everyone and it’s a day we should all be proud. Thousands of people from all over the world have been training and fundraising for this moment for many months, the least we can do is support it.

Mr Monkey would like to wish all the participants good luck and hopes there are no serious injuries or fatalities and that hundreds of thousands of pounds are raised for worthwhile causes.