Archive for the 'Fraser Kemp' Category


Unions Split Over Ed

Labour councillor Ed Malcolm who’s desperate to beat his brother Iain – leader of South Tyneside Council to Westminster is seething that he’s not managed to get all the unions to back him in his bid to grab the nomination for Fraser Kemps Houghton and Washington East seat. 

‘Big Ed’ known for his small feet and love of women old enough to be his granny has secured the backing of Unite but Unison and GMB have pledged their support to his main rival Liz Twist.

Mr Monkey reckons that the key to winning the nomination is the support of the old miners and from what Mr Monkey hears they remain to be convinced that Ed has the personality or charisma to represent them and they’re even less convinced when they read about his antics on Mr Monkey’s Blog.


Mouths To Feed

The Tax Payers Alliance and The Northern Echo CLICK HERE recently revealed that South Tyneside Council spent more than £25,000 on refreshments between April 2007 and March 2008. But Mr Monkey reckons the real figure is much higher.

This type of eexpenditure is notoriously difficult to track because it can easily be hidden under lots of different budget headings that make no reference to hospitality and refreshments- the Department of Revenue and Customs calls it ‘creative accounctancy’ – Mr Monkey calls it fiddling the books.

This system allows senior councillors and officers to manipulate budgets to suit the needs of those who think being a councillor means you pay for fuck all.

Mr Monkey wonders what this year’s refreshment bill will be given the change of leadership and Miss Piggy’s, aka councillor Iain Malcolm’s love for the finer things in life .. providing someone else is paying for it.

Bloggers will remember these posts about the fat twats feeding at the trough CLICK HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE, it seems that under the aptly named Miss Piggy regime, these scrounging bastards are set to cost the taxpayer a whole lot more.

That’s without the new in take of heavyweights such as Papa John Szymanski the editor of the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine, Indy councillors Ahmed Khan, Geraldine White, Gordon Finch and all the other hangers on like former councillors Arthur Meeks, John Wood, Paul Waggott, wannabe councillors Joyce Welsh, Neil Maxwell, Alan Smith, Terry Fairley, arse lickers like Linda Hemmer and any other idiots Labour can find to work for them in return for a few sausage rolls.

With mouths like these to feed, it’s no wonder the leader of the council Iain Malcolm Miss Piggy gave his brother and wanabee Labour MP for Houghton and Washington East the cabinet portfolio that includes overseeing council budgets.


Anne and Ed – Just Good Friends

'Just Good Friends'

'Anne and Ed - just good friends'

Seems the old dinosaur, councillor Olive Punchion faces a bit of competition for councillor Ed Malcolm’s affections.
Ever since he was 21 he’s had a fetish for older women, but after his recent holiday with Olive in America it seems that there’s old and there’s fucking ancient.
Ed is increasingly embarrassed by Olive and reckons that there’s more chance of Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask giving up the vodka than there is of Olive being accepted by the old miners of Houghton, Hetton and Shiney Row. And of course this wannabe MP for Houghton and Washington East can’t risk the sleaze surrounding his 30 year relationship with a married woman to surface during an election campaign.
Too late Ed, Mr Monkey has already sent details of your sleazy love life to senior party officials at Millbank House.
Ed also finds Olive a bit of a turn off – even the Viagra does fuck all. Hardly surprising when you consider Olive his approachinh her twilight years and is more interested in getting a good night’s sleep, putting on the anti wrinkle cream and pickling her teeth than sucking on Ed’s dick toes.
Ed’s also shitting himself that he might have to make an honest woman out of Olive now that she’s free to marry.
Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that Olive is on the verge of being dumped as councillor Ed Malcolm may have found love companionship elsewhere. This may explain why he’s spending less time in South Shields and more time in Shiney Row (Houghton Le Spring).
Apparently the new love of his life his new friend is Labour councillor Anne Hall who by chance happens to represent Shiney Row, a ward in the heart of the constituency Ed Malcolm hopes to represent; assumming he secures the Parliamentary nomination ahead of his rivals.
Ed is spending more and more of his free time with Anne and Mr Monkey can confirm that Ed is wooing Anne by wining and dining her at intimate and romantic venues – this chimp recently saw the happy couple in a restuarnt and they only had eyes for each other.
Mr Monkey urges Anne to be cautious in her dealings with Ed as he’s probably using her to secure the nomination and then she’ll go the way of Olive and will be left feeling used and abused.
If bloggers would like to know more about Ed’s new friend CLICK HERE.

Wannabe Labour MP For Houghton and Washington East, Ed Malcolm and The Ryhope Pigeon Crees.

Senior South Tyneside councillor Ed Malcolm, the brother of council leader Iain Malcolm seems to think he’s got the Labour nomination for the Parliamentary constituency of Houghton and Washington East all sewn up – the seat is traditionally classed as a safe Labour one and will be vacated at the next election by sitting Labour MP, Fraser Kemp.

Sorry Ed  but that might have been the case until Mr Monkey came along.

This chimp has been busy over the festive period and will shortly be uploading a post that will ruffle a few feathers in the racing pigeon fraternity – especially in Ryhope.

What Mr Monkey is about to reveal will certainly turn heads, cause anger amongst pigeon fanciers, be the talk of the pubs and clubs and is almost certain to put an end to any chance you may have had of securing the nomination for your brother self.

Mr Monkey has already ended the Parliamentary ambitions of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts and you are about to become the join him on the political scrap heap – courtesy of Mr Monkey of course.

Bloggers are advised to keep a close eye on Mr Monkey’s Blog as all is about to be revealed.

Mr Monkey knows you’ve problems controlling your temper Ed, but please don’t take your anger out on Olive, her fanny can’t take it any more

Happy New Year Ed!


Did You Get A Monkey Card?

Remember the electronic Christmas card uploaded by Mr Monkey? CLICK HERE.

It seems that some people have started receiving their own personalised version and are not too happy about it – come on you miserable bastards where’s your festive spirit?

Mr Monkey promised to send out 100 limited edition cards to a select band of people but changed his mind and increased the quantity to 250.

People who’ve received them include:

Local councillors
Executive council officers across the Tyne and Wear region
Council leaders in Tyne and Wear
Local journalists
Editors of newspapers in Tyne and Wear and County Durham
The Board of Johnston Press
Editors of newspapers owned by Johnston press
Captain’s of industry and local business leaders
A select number of people considered by Mr Monkey to have influence in political, community, media and business circles
… and every Working Mens Club, pub and Social Club in Houghton Le Spring, Hetton Le Hole and Easington Lane.

But don’t worry if you haven’t received yours yet – there’s more on the way!


REVIEW OF 2008: Big Ed And His Small Feet

This post may have put paid to Ed Malcolm’s political ambitions. Apparently he’s desperate to become an MP and is currently trying to sweet talk his way into getting the nomination for the Houghton and Washington East seat which Fraser Kemp will be vacating at the next election.

Big Ed and His Small Feet ..

Whilst troupe members were busy frolicking about earlier today The Monkey noticed that some members of the troupe had bigger feet and penises than others. The Monkey wonders whether the same can be said of humans.

Apparently there is a theory that the size of an individuals feet directly correlates to they size of their penis i.e. small feet, small penis.

The Monkey recalls having a cosy chat with Coun Ed Malcolm recently during which the size of Ed’s feet left a lasting impression on The Monkey – they are so tiny The Monkey reckons he gets his footwear from the childrens section at Clarkes or perhaps even Toys R Us!

As for the other part of the theory, The Monkeyhas been unable to get Coun Olive Punchion to confirm or deny whether Ed’s penis reflects the size of his feet, however, the grin on her face suggests that the theory may be just an old wife’s tale.

Maybe this explains why married women like councillor Olive Punchion have spent year’s playing with ‘Big Ed’s’ dick toes.


Ed Malcolm Runs Out of Coal!

Mr Monkey had an interesting conversation with an old miner in Houghton yesterday.

Seems that Ed Malcolm’s attempt to become an MP on the back of his “I used to be a miner” scam may have been scuppered by Mr Monkey.

If Ed Malcolm’s reaction in the members room to the last post about his attempts to hijack the Houghton and Washington East seat, where he went ballistic, are anything to go by, this one will have him jumping out of the window!

The old miner who Mr Monkey will call Arthur is a well known locally and unlike Ed ‘I used to be a miner’ Malcolm, Arthur spent more than 40 years working on the face at various collieries across County Durham.

Arthur reckons that until Mr Monkey exposed the other side of Ed Malcolm, he was the definite front runner for the nomination. But it now seems someone has tipped off bloggers in the Houghton area and Mr Monkey’s Blog is the talk of the pubs and clubs.

Suddenly questions are being asked about Ed and his brother Iain’s backgrounds and the silence surrounding Iain’s role in the Newcastle Airport fiasco have raised a few eyebrows.

Seems local party members are now demanding answers and Ed’s position is looking a little precarious.


Ed Has A Problem With The Lasses

Labour councillor Ed Malcolm seems to have a problem with the local lasses in Houghton and Washington East.

Desperate Dan of the Shields Labour party has always wanted to beat his brother Iain to Westminster and reckons he’s gonna romp home with the local constituency nomination .. apparently the miner thing should do the trick.

Mr Monkey has now been tipped off that the national Labour party are considering impossing all women shortlists on all the constituencies in the north east; remember Labour in Northumberland, they had all women shortlists imposed on them in the recent local elections.

Seems Ed might have to take a leaf out of brother Iain’s book if he wants to get the nomination!


Vote For Me: I’m A Miner

Labour councillor Ed Malcolm seems to think that his ticket to Westminster will be secured on the back of his “I used to be a miner” line. Apparently he reckons that this makes him the best person to succeed Fraser Kemp, the outgoing MP for Houghton and Washington East.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering how many redundant and retired miners recall watching some of their colleagues doing everything possible to avoid a day on the face? There was no one better than Ed Malcolm at avoiding getting his hands dirty, he would volunteer for anything as long as it kept him out of the pit.

He now wants everyone to believe he was a miner, the last of a dying breed and that qualifies him to represent a once thriving mining area. Yet he’s left out the bit about how he spent more time in a suit than a boilersuit, in brogues than in pit boots and in the bar than the shower room.

There’s no mention of how he spent years having an affair with a married woman and shagging anything else that would have him. He fails to mention how the Malcolm clan did everything it could to grab positions of power. Lying, scheming, cheating, manipulating stabbing people in the back and helping themselvesto what ever they wanted was a way for most of the Malcolms.

Ed might make a good MP if he takes after his dad, Billy who had a knack of being in two places at once. At least he did when councillors got paid by the number of meetings they attended.

Ed’s uncle thought every-ones money was his money and spent it as if it was. Hard earned club funds went missing, club bills went unpaid but his uncle never did without. He doesn’t mention that his uncle’s habitat of helping himself to other peoples money led to a prison term. He doesn’t tell us how he is reputed to have been close to his uncle and took a leaf out of his book by helping himself to cash from the miners welfare fund and how it was all covered up to protect the Malcolm name.

There’s no mention that he was kicked out of the Labour party for two years and that many people reckon it was his own brotherthat shopped him in a fit of jealousy. Mr Monkey wonders what brother Iain will do if Ed makes it to Westminster before him?

Mr Monkey reckons that if the good folk of Houghton and Washington East are daft enough to be taken in by Ed Malcolm then they’d better make sure that they lock their doors and windows to protect their valuables epsecially their wives, daughters, girlfriends, mams, aunties and given his taste in older women, their grannies.

You might not tell the people what they’re letting themselves in for Ed, but Mr Monkey will.


Waggott Spurned by Malcolm

Speculation is rife as to why councillor Linda Waggott resigned from the board of South Tyneside Homes.

The most interesting one is that councillor Waggott had been trying to rekindle her affair with fellow councillor and board member, Ed Malcolm.

It seems ‘Big Ed’ is having none of it now that he’s declared his intention to seek Labour’s Parliamentary nomination for Houghton and Washington East.

Apparently councillor Malcolm reckons his chances of succeeding Fraser Kemp are good especially if he can con the selection panel with the “I used to be a miner line”. Unfortunately his inability to keep his dick in his pants over the year’s and his eagerness to fuck his married colleagues is likely to come back and bite him in the arse – Mr Monkey has very sharp teeth, just ask Tory Boy Potts?

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering whether Linda’s resignation has anything to do with Ed Malcolm’s rejecting her advances or is there something more sinister afoot?


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