Archive for the 'Fraser Kemp' Category



14
Jan
09

‘Big’ Ed Malcolm and His Kilt

South Tyneside’s answer to The Chuckle Brothers, councillors Iain and Ed Malcolm seem obsessed with re-discovering their Scottish roots.

In September Mr Monkey revealed that council leader Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm was partial to a bit of weekend cottaging after he bought a hideaway in Hawick in the Scottish Borders. CLICK HERE.

Not to be out done by his brother, ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm the wannabee MP for Houghton and Washington East decided to get in on the act and recently bought himself a kilt – not just in any tartan but a Clan Malcolm tartan.

When word reached the members lounge his collegaues pissed themselves laughing especially at the thought of ‘Big’ Ed in a kilt with his deformed size 3 feet stuck on the end of his short bandy legs. One senior Labour councillor who likes a wee dram reckons Ed is determined to beat Red Rumcouncillor George Elsom to the title of Twat of the Year.

But Mr Monkey reckons Ed’s purchase had more to do with winning a few extra votes in the old County Durham pit villages of the Houghton and Washington East Parliamentary constituency than his desire to rekindle his Scottish roots.

It seems this gesture could be is a last ditched attempt to persuade former miners and their families – many of whom have Scottish roots – to vote for him in the upcoming selection ballot.

11
Jan
09

Wannabee MPs – The Gang Of Three

South Tyneside has it’s fair share of wannabee MPs so Mr Monkey thought he’d take a closer look at the ‘Gang of Three’.

*Ed Malcolm – aka ‘Big Ed’. This Labour councillor and brother of council leader Iain Malcolm is currently trying to con his way into Fraser Kemp’s old seat in Houghton and Washington East.
Big Ed is known as a bit of a womaniser and has a fetish for women old enough to be his granny. He has a reputation for being the tightest man in South Tyneside; he doesn’t just squeak when he walks, he screams.

*Iain Malcolm - aka ‘Miss Piggy’. Iain is the Labour leader of South Tynside Council and is never far from political controversy. He was seen as David Clarke’s successor but Tony Blair was having none of it and parachuted David Miliband into the seat instead.
He was to seek the nomination in Houghton and Washington East (before his brother) but after being incriminated in the ‘Great Newcastle Airport Giveaway’ controversy where he allowed payments of more than £8 million pounds to be paid to 2 former directors to go unchallenged he thought better of it.

*Together, the Malcolm’s are known as the Chuckle Brothers.

David Potts – aka The King of Sleaze. Pudgy Face and Tory Boy. Calls himself leader of the Conservatives on South Tyneside Council, but there’s only 3 of them including him. He stood in the Scottish Parliamentary elections and failed to make any inroads. His efforts got him noticed and he was selected as the Conservative candidate to challenge the Chancellor, Alastair Darling for his Edinburgh seat.
Following revelations by Mr Monkey about his heavy drinking, abuse of position and womanising he was to be deselected by the party. He claimed to have resigned because of his father’s ill health (he lives with his mum) and wanted to devote more time to fighting the BNP. Apparently he also failed to consistentlycampaign in the constituency and was not well liked by party members who thought that he was self opinionated and arrogant.

Mr Monkey reckons it will be interesting to see which one of these makes it to Westminster first or is there someone else who might beat them to it .. Michael Clare for instance?

10
Jan
09

Help: I’m Not A Geordie Get Me Out Of Here!

Wannabee Labour MP for Houghton and Washington East, councillor Ed Malcolm has been taking elocution lessons in an attempt to improve his stammer and tone down his Geordie accent.

Apparently ‘Big Ed’ is worried that his stammer will affect his ability to speak in the House of Commons and will make him a figure of fun in the media. He’s also ashamed of worried that his Geordie accent which he reckons might make him an outcast on the Westminster social scene.

Anyone who’s had the misfortune to hear ‘Big Ed’ speak will appreciate what a bad speaker he is. He stammers, he can’t project his voice, fluffs his words and makes an almighty mess of his speeches and usually ends up looking like an arsehole; and all this with an an excruciating look of pain on his face that leaves the audience wondering whether he’s about to give birth.

No wonder the poor bastard is taking elocution lessons but Mr Monkey can’t help wondering why he’s wasting his money?

Keep your money Ed, your’e not going to get the nomination and you won’t get any refunds for all those Union and party memberships you’ve paid for .. was it worth it?

09
Jan
09

Unions Split Over Ed

Labour councillor Ed Malcolm who’s desperate to beat his brother Iain – leader of South Tyneside Council to Westminster is seething that he’s not managed to get all the unions to back him in his bid to grab the nomination for Fraser Kemps Houghton and Washington East seat. 

‘Big Ed’ known for his small feet and love of women old enough to be his granny has secured the backing of Unite but Unison and GMB have pledged their support to his main rival Liz Twist.

Mr Monkey reckons that the key to winning the nomination is the support of the old miners and from what Mr Monkey hears they remain to be convinced that Ed has the personality or charisma to represent them and they’re even less convinced when they read about his antics on Mr Monkey’s Blog.

09
Jan
09

Mouths To Feed

The Tax Payers Alliance and The Northern Echo CLICK HERE recently revealed that South Tyneside Council spent more than £25,000 on refreshments between April 2007 and March 2008. But Mr Monkey reckons the real figure is much higher.

This type of eexpenditure is notoriously difficult to track because it can easily be hidden under lots of different budget headings that make no reference to hospitality and refreshments- the Department of Revenue and Customs calls it ‘creative accounctancy’ – Mr Monkey calls it fiddling the books.

This system allows senior councillors and officers to manipulate budgets to suit the needs of those who think being a councillor means you pay for fuck all.

Mr Monkey wonders what this year’s refreshment bill will be given the change of leadership and Miss Piggy’s, aka councillor Iain Malcolm’s love for the finer things in life .. providing someone else is paying for it.

Bloggers will remember these posts about the fat twats feeding at the trough CLICK HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE, it seems that under the aptly named Miss Piggy regime, these scrounging bastards are set to cost the taxpayer a whole lot more.

That’s without the new in take of heavyweights such as Papa John Szymanski the editor of the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine, Indy councillors Ahmed Khan, Geraldine White, Gordon Finch and all the other hangers on like former councillors Arthur Meeks, John Wood, Paul Waggott, wannabe councillors Joyce Welsh, Neil Maxwell, Alan Smith, Terry Fairley, arse lickers like Linda Hemmer and any other idiots Labour can find to work for them in return for a few sausage rolls.

With mouths like these to feed, it’s no wonder the leader of the council Iain Malcolm Miss Piggy gave his brother and wanabee Labour MP for Houghton and Washington East the cabinet portfolio that includes overseeing council budgets.

03
Jan
09

Anne and Ed – Just Good Friends

'Just Good Friends'

'Anne and Ed - just good friends'

Seems the old dinosaur, councillor Olive Punchion faces a bit of competition for councillor Ed Malcolm’s affections.
 
Ever since he was 21 he’s had a fetish for older women, but after his recent holiday with Olive in America it seems that there’s old and there’s fucking ancient.
 
Ed is increasingly embarrassed by Olive and reckons that there’s more chance of Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask giving up the vodka than there is of Olive being accepted by the old miners of Houghton, Hetton and Shiney Row. And of course this wannabe MP for Houghton and Washington East can’t risk the sleaze surrounding his 30 year relationship with a married woman to surface during an election campaign.
 
Too late Ed, Mr Monkey has already sent details of your sleazy love life to senior party officials at Millbank House.
 
Ed also finds Olive a bit of a turn off – even the Viagra does fuck all. Hardly surprising when you consider Olive his approachinh her twilight years and is more interested in getting a good night’s sleep, putting on the anti wrinkle cream and pickling her teeth than sucking on Ed’s dick toes.
 
Ed’s also shitting himself that he might have to make an honest woman out of Olive now that she’s free to marry.
 
Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that Olive is on the verge of being dumped as councillor Ed Malcolm may have found love companionship elsewhere. This may explain why he’s spending less time in South Shields and more time in Shiney Row (Houghton Le Spring).
 
Apparently the new love of his life his new friend is Labour councillor Anne Hall who by chance happens to represent Shiney Row, a ward in the heart of the constituency Ed Malcolm hopes to represent; assumming he secures the Parliamentary nomination ahead of his rivals.
 
Ed is spending more and more of his free time with Anne and Mr Monkey can confirm that Ed is wooing Anne by wining and dining her at intimate and romantic venues – this chimp recently saw the happy couple in a restuarnt and they only had eyes for each other.
 
Mr Monkey urges Anne to be cautious in her dealings with Ed as he’s probably using her to secure the nomination and then she’ll go the way of Olive and will be left feeling used and abused.
 
If bloggers would like to know more about Ed’s new friend CLICK HERE.
31
Dec
08

Wannabe Labour MP For Houghton and Washington East, Ed Malcolm and The Ryhope Pigeon Crees.

Senior South Tyneside councillor Ed Malcolm, the brother of council leader Iain Malcolm seems to think he’s got the Labour nomination for the Parliamentary constituency of Houghton and Washington East all sewn up – the seat is traditionally classed as a safe Labour one and will be vacated at the next election by sitting Labour MP, Fraser Kemp.

Sorry Ed  but that might have been the case until Mr Monkey came along.

This chimp has been busy over the festive period and will shortly be uploading a post that will ruffle a few feathers in the racing pigeon fraternity - especially in Ryhope.

What Mr Monkey is about to reveal will certainly turn heads, cause anger amongst pigeon fanciers, be the talk of the pubs and clubs and is almost certain to put an end to any chance you may have had of securing the nomination for your brother self.

Mr Monkey has already ended the Parliamentary ambitions of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts and you are about to become the join him on the political scrap heap – courtesy of Mr Monkey of course.

Bloggers are advised to keep a close eye on Mr Monkey’s Blog as all is about to be revealed.

Mr Monkey knows you’ve problems controlling your temper Ed, but please don’t take your anger out on Olive, her fanny can’t take it any more

Happy New Year Ed!




Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.