Archive for the 'Hetton Le Hole and Easington Lane' Category

21
Jul
09

mr monkey calls it a day

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can go home'

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can return home to enjoy his retirement'

It’s been nearly a year since Mr Monkey burst on to the local political scene with the redesigned version of Mr Monkey’s Blog

.. and what a year it’s been.

This chimp had no idea of the effect his blog would have on politicians of all parties and senior council officers or the impact it would have on local politcs.

Mr Monkey quickly built up a following amongst local bloggers and within weeks, Mr Monkey’s Blog established itself as South Tyneside’s premier blog, much to the annoyance of some.

There have been many highlights during the last 12 months but Mr Monkey’s favourites are:-

  • Ending councillor David Potts political career before it started by getting him deselected as the Tory candidate to fight Alistair Darling.
  • Ensuring that the people of Washington East and Houghton knew what a devious and scheming individual Ed Malcom was. This played a major part  in his failure to become their prospective member of Parliament.
  • Exposing council leader Iain Malcolm as an election fraudster.
  • Knowing that Irene Lucas, the Chief Executive of South Tyneside Council could not control, manipulate or stop Mr Monkey and that his blog was the worst thing that happened to her in her local government career.
  • Knowing that every politician feared being exposed on Mr Monkey’s Blog and despite what they said, knowing that everyone of them read it daily.
  • Exposing Ed Malcolm’s long term affair with his ‘granny’, aka councillor Punchion
  • ‘Outing’ Iain Malcolm.
  • Continually thwarting the attempts of senior council officials to stop Mr Monkey’s Blog and reveal the identity of Mr Monkey.
  • Frustrating South Tyneside’s most self opinionated blogger, the Fat Mackem Hobitt.
  • Exposing Papa John Szymanski, editor of the local Malcolm Fanzine, aka the Shields Gazette as a Labour groupie, freeloader and that he sold his soul to Labour for the price of a sausage roll.
  • Knowing that all the pseudonyms Mr Monkey has used will be around for years to come.

After achieving every goal Mr Monkey set himself – in record time – this chimp has decided to give his victims an early birthday present – Mr Monkey is going to call it a day on Thursday 30th July.

Mr Monkey has spent the last couple of months agonising over whether or not to retire and after talking it over with a few wiser chimps, he’s decided to take their advice and return to the jungle to enjoy his retirement and spend more time with his family.

Although Mr Monkey has decided to call it a day, he hasn’t yet made up his mind about whether to leave Mr Monkey’s Blog on the internet for future generations to enjoy or whether to remove it forever – that decision will be made on International Primate Day.

Make sure you stop by on Tuesday 1st September .. when all will be revealed.

27
May
09

twinkle toes

Mr Monkey popped into his local for a swift one last night and caught a glimpse of Britains Got Talent – seems the whole country is obsessed with reality tv shows.

This chimp couldn’t help noticing that one of last night’s semi finalist – a brother and sister team – looked as though they came straight from the set of Strictly Come Dancing as they performed a high octane ballroom dancing routine.

Mr Monkey mentioned that he thought it was a shame that more people did’nt take up ballroom dancing and to his surprise a number of locals admitted that they were taking lessons and that they’d been on a waiting list for several months before the could join a class.

What Mr Monkey heard next had this chimp falling about in fits of laughter and he almost choked on his beer.

Apparently councillor Ed Malcolm, aka ‘Big’ Ed and his long term slapper lover councillor Olive Punchion, aka Aunt Sally have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for several months and they’re still crap at it.

Mr Monkey reckons councillor Malcolm’s desire to become the belle off the ball may stem from his childhood fascination with dressing up dolls. Either that or he intends to marry Aunt Sally and wants to surprise his guests when the odd ‘happy couple’ perform the first dance.

The thought of Ed and Olive strutting their stuff on their wedding day is enough to give anyone a nightmare.

Imagine Aunt Sally, the 80 year old scarecrow clinging onto ‘Big’ Ed, the 4ft dwarf for all she’s worth? And what about Big Ed hugging Aunt Sally in a motherly embrace for comfort and security, and to stop him falling over – it’s a good job she’s past lactating or he’d be suckling her too.

But don’t worry Ed, whatever happens this chimp will be there to witness your big day, you have little choice but to invite him!

17
May
09

iain malcolm dares you tell people about mr monkey!

Seems council leader Iain Malcolm’s obsession to silence Mr Monkey has taken a new twist.

Bloggers will already know that Miss Piggy, aka councillor Iain Malcolm ordered senior officers of the council to bar access to Mr Monkey’s Blog from all council computers in a desperate attempt to stop council employees and councillors from reading about his disgraceful antics and what really goes on behind the closed doors of his pen office. CLICK HERE.

If that wasn’t enough, he tried to ban access to Mr Monkey’s Blog on council owned Blackberrys that are used by senior officers and councillors. CLICK HERE.

And even his brother, councillor Ed Malcolm unsuccessfully complained to the police after he recived a Christmas card from a  naughty ape. CLICK HERE.

Mr Monkey has also learned that public money has been used to buy legal advice in an effort to silence this chimp – more on this will follow. CLICK HERE, and HERE 

A senior councillor has unwittingly told Mr Monkey that his ape antics are driving Miss Piggy mad and he’s frustrated that all his attempts to silence the chimp fail.

Apparently he’s now resorted to intimidation to silence anyone who dares mention Mr Monkeys Blog and has threatened to take disciplinary action against any council employee who dares mention Mr Monkey by name.

This chimp was now been told that councillor Iain Malcolm has stepped up his campaign of intimidation and is now using the council’s Standards Committee in a last ditch attempt to stop people referring to Mr Monkey’s Blog.

Apparently an opposition councillor has been reported to the Standards Committee for daring to refer to Mr Monkey’s Blog – the councillor has been charged with promoting a political blog that disrespects both councillors and council officers.

Mr Monkey reckons other local bloggers, newspapers (except the Shields Gazette who already do as they are told) and anyone who dares talk about local politics in their workplaces, pubs, clubs and even their own homes better beware, the fat sow in the town hall is out to get you.

21
Jan
09

It’s Not Too Late Ed..ith

Thwarted ... Ed Malcolm.

Councillor Ed..ith Malcolm

Seems councillor Ed..ith Malcolm is down in the dumps today after learning that her his bid to become an MP has been thwarted by Mr Monkey.

Apparently Labour North decided that the only way to stop Ed..ith grabbing the seat was to impose an all women’s shortlist on Fraser Kemps Houghton and Washington East constituency.

Mr Monkey reckons Labour North will still need to keep an eye on Ed..ith though – don’t be surprised if she he suddenly has a sex change.

Lets face it, the dirty bastard already acts like an old woman so having his bollocks removed won’t make much difference.

20
Jan
09

The Curse of The Monkey Strikes Again

Having put an end to the political ambitions of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy, David Potts, Mr Monkey turned his attention to the runt of the Malcolm clan, councillor Ed Malcolm.

Apparently the Malcolms Chuckle Brothers fancied their chances of capturing the Labour nomination for the Parliamentary seat of Houghton and Washington East after sitting MP Fraser Kemp announced his intention to stand down.

The scandal surrounding the payments at Newcastle Airport and councillor Iain Malcolm’s role in this murky affair put paid to any chance he had of grabbing the seat and this left the way clear for brother Ed.

Ed’s advisers and supporters did their best to hide his colourful past and dubious character but failed to control Mr Monkey and it now seems Ed has paid the ultimate price.

In a surprise move worthy of the Chuckle Brothers, Labour HQ has now imposed an all women’s shortlist on the constituency. This effectively eliminates any chance Ed had of fiddling stealing the nomination.

Ed announced his intention to seek the nomination in autumn and has tried every trick in the book to cheat his way to power. Yet within days of the ballot, the poor bastard has had his plans scuppered and his dubious past has come back to haunt him and Mr Monkey is delighted to have played his part in Ed’s demise.

How ironic then that a favourite tactic of the MalcolmsChuckle Brothers and their supporters to get rid of theircritics was used so successfully to put an end to Ed’s political ambitions.

Mr Monkey reckons former colleagues John Hodgson, John Watson and Tom Defty will tonight be raising a glass to Mr Monkey and the genius behind the plot to rid Houghton and Washington East of Ed Malcolm.

Seems Billy Malcolm’s vision for his boys will never be realised and they’ll remain tied to their mam’s apron strings forever.

Anyone else out their fancy thier chances of making it to Westminster – if so you’ll need to get past Mr Monkey first.

16
Jan
09

Apologies

Mr Monkey has been spending a lot of time in councillor Ed Malcolm’s wannabee Parliamentary constituency of Houghton and Washington East. This has meant that there’s been very little time for posting so please accept Mr Monkey’s apologies – but things will get be back to normal after the ballot.

Over the next couple of days Mr Monkey will be checking out several leads about a sudden and dramatic rise in new Labour party and union membership applications.

This is an old Malcolm trick which has for years been used by the Chuckle Brothers and their supporters to load the numbers in their favour to secure the result they want in selection ballots – the police call it fraud and ballot rigging.

It’s a relatively simple and cost effective way of guaranteeing the result you want and all it takes is a bit of persuasion and an offer to pay the ‘prospective members’ subs. You don’t need their permission either – Iain Malcolm still boasts about the time he joined a dead man to the Labour party, but more of that later.

Mr Monkey is working on getting irrefutable proof and when he does it will be passed to the Police.

14
Jan
09

Look Out For Mr Monkey In Houghton and Washigton East

Mr Monkey reckons that since he sent out his Christmas card to a select band of individuals his blog has seen a rise in visitor numbers.

This chimp thought he would test his theory further by sending out some promotional material to all the pubs, clubs, shops, hairdressers, taxi offices, takeaways and community centres in the Houghton and Washington East Parliamentary constituency.

Mr Monkey reckons that the people in these former mining communities don’t realise what a scheming, devious and manipulative twat Ed Malcolm is – he thought he’d point them in the right direction and what better place to start than Mr Monkey’s Blog.

This chimp has already put an end to the King of Sleaze, David Potts political ambitions and he’s now got ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm in his radar.

14
Jan
09

‘Big’ Ed Malcolm and His Kilt

South Tyneside’s answer to The Chuckle Brothers, councillors Iain and Ed Malcolm seem obsessed with re-discovering their Scottish roots.

In September Mr Monkey revealed that council leader Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm was partial to a bit of weekend cottaging after he bought a hideaway in Hawick in the Scottish Borders. CLICK HERE.

Not to be out done by his brother, ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm the wannabee MP for Houghton and Washington East decided to get in on the act and recently bought himself a kilt – not just in any tartan but a Clan Malcolm tartan.

When word reached the members lounge his collegaues pissed themselves laughing especially at the thought of ‘Big’ Ed in a kilt with his deformed size 3 feet stuck on the end of his short bandy legs. One senior Labour councillor who likes a wee dram reckons Ed is determined to beat Red Rumcouncillor George Elsom to the title of Twat of the Year.

But Mr Monkey reckons Ed’s purchase had more to do with winning a few extra votes in the old County Durham pit villages of the Houghton and Washington East Parliamentary constituency than his desire to rekindle his Scottish roots.

It seems this gesture could be is a last ditched attempt to persuade former miners and their families – many of whom have Scottish roots – to vote for him in the upcoming selection ballot.

11
Jan
09

Wannabee MPs – The Gang Of Three

South Tyneside has it’s fair share of wannabee MPs so Mr Monkey thought he’d take a closer look at the ‘Gang of Three’.

*Ed Malcolm – aka ‘Big Ed’. This Labour councillor and brother of council leader Iain Malcolm is currently trying to con his way into Fraser Kemp’s old seat in Houghton and Washington East.
Big Ed is known as a bit of a womaniser and has a fetish for women old enough to be his granny. He has a reputation for being the tightest man in South Tyneside; he doesn’t just squeak when he walks, he screams.

*Iain Malcolm – aka ‘Miss Piggy’. Iain is the Labour leader of South Tynside Council and is never far from political controversy. He was seen as David Clarke’s successor but Tony Blair was having none of it and parachuted David Miliband into the seat instead.
He was to seek the nomination in Houghton and Washington East (before his brother) but after being incriminated in the ‘Great Newcastle Airport Giveaway’ controversy where he allowed payments of more than £8 million pounds to be paid to 2 former directors to go unchallenged he thought better of it.

*Together, the Malcolm’s are known as the Chuckle Brothers.

David Potts – aka The King of Sleaze. Pudgy Face and Tory Boy. Calls himself leader of the Conservatives on South Tyneside Council, but there’s only 3 of them including him. He stood in the Scottish Parliamentary elections and failed to make any inroads. His efforts got him noticed and he was selected as the Conservative candidate to challenge the Chancellor, Alastair Darling for his Edinburgh seat.
Following revelations by Mr Monkey about his heavy drinking, abuse of position and womanising he was to be deselected by the party. He claimed to have resigned because of his father’s ill health (he lives with his mum) and wanted to devote more time to fighting the BNP. Apparently he also failed to consistentlycampaign in the constituency and was not well liked by party members who thought that he was self opinionated and arrogant.

Mr Monkey reckons it will be interesting to see which one of these makes it to Westminster first or is there someone else who might beat them to it .. Michael Clare for instance?

10
Jan
09

Help: I’m Not A Geordie Get Me Out Of Here!

Wannabee Labour MP for Houghton and Washington East, councillor Ed Malcolm has been taking elocution lessons in an attempt to improve his stammer and tone down his Geordie accent.

Apparently ‘Big Ed’ is worried that his stammer will affect his ability to speak in the House of Commons and will make him a figure of fun in the media. He’s also ashamed of worried that his Geordie accent which he reckons might make him an outcast on the Westminster social scene.

Anyone who’s had the misfortune to hear ‘Big Ed’ speak will appreciate what a bad speaker he is. He stammers, he can’t project his voice, fluffs his words and makes an almighty mess of his speeches and usually ends up looking like an arsehole; and all this with an an excruciating look of pain on his face that leaves the audience wondering whether he’s about to give birth.

No wonder the poor bastard is taking elocution lessons but Mr Monkey can’t help wondering why he’s wasting his money?

Keep your money Ed, your’e not going to get the nomination and you won’t get any refunds for all those Union and party memberships you’ve paid for .. was it worth it?




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