Archive for the 'Hobbit' Category

23
Jul
09

councillor sectioned following sacking

'Councillor Potts cannot cope with his demons'

'Councillor Potts cannot cope with his demons'

A year ago councillor David Potts was a rising star in the Conservative party after being selected as the Conservative Parliamentary candidate to stand against the Chancellor, Alistair Darling at the next general election.

Many Scottish Conservatives reckoned that he was destined for great things and even councillor David Potts believed that he would – at the very least become a  minister in the new Conservative administration – that was until Mr Monkey revealed his antics here in South Tyneside to the world.

Within months of exposing the ‘real David Potts’ any ambitions he had to make it to Westminster were over. The Scottish Conservatives took the unusual step of effectively sacking him by removing him as their candidate and replacing him with Edinburgh councillor, Jason Rust who ironically had been pictured with David Potts on a number of occasions.

Councillor Potts found it difficult to come to terms with this rejection and his life quickly spiralled downwards.

Publicly he tried to convince the world that he had ‘resigned’ because of his father’s ill health and when it was pointed out to him by people who knew his father that this wasn’ttrue, he changed his story and claimed that the real reason he resigned was so that he could return to South Tyneside to fight the far right threat posed by the BNP.

He attended one meeting hosted by the leader of South Tyneside Council and to date no further meetings have been held.

Those close to councillor Potts feared for his safety and mental wellbeing as his behaviour became more erratic. They noticed that his drink problem had became more profound, he started to talk to imaginary beings and became increasing paranoid – he thought he was being followed by monkeys and started to see chimps everywhere.

This paranoia was coupled with depression, something he had suffered from as a child. He found it difficult to cope with and eventually retreated into his own world, he refused to answer his telephone, speak to anyone and then disappeared.

Some people thought he’d gone on holiday but Mr Monkey can now reveal that he returned to Scotland in an attempt to tackle his Edinburgh demons, but bottled it at the last minute and ended up in Glasgow.

He thought he was safe there where he could hide amongst the down and outs, tramps, alcoholics and drug addicts – that was until a jogger spotted him in the infamous Glasgow Green on the banks of the Clyde and called the police.

Apparently when the police arrived they found him unconscious on a park bench dressed in khaki shorts, a beige tshirt and a pith helmet. He was surrounded by a dozen toy monkeys, some of which had been mutilated and a fluffy chimp hanging from the tree above him in what appeared to have been a mock execution.

When the police roused him he refused to acknowledge their presence, pulled out a water pistol and started to ‘shoot’ the toy monkeys. He even tried to kiss and cuddle 2 blue monkeys which he kept referring to us Maggie and Smeagol.

At this point the police decided to ‘protect’ him and took him to the Gartnavel Royal Hospital where he was detained under section 4 of the Mental Health Act.

Mr Monkey can reveal that councillor Potts – who has a history of mental illness – is now hoping he can use his own experiences to change people’s perception of menal health and is campaigning for the law to be changed.

PART 2 WILL FOLLOW SHORTLY

06
Jun
09

whose council leader iain malcolm impersonating?

Council leader Iain Malcolm now seems to be distancing himself from the comments he made on Mr Monkey’s Blog after the council’s week long visit to Epinay in France was exposed on this blog. CLICK HERE.

Mr Monkey also revealed that councillor Malcolm used a pseudonym in order to hide his real identity or to deliberately discredit the person whose identity he had stolen. Both comments were posted under the name J Adamson and were from this e-mail address eurocar@hotmail.com

Now Mr Monkey reckons there is a 3rd possibility – councillor Iain Malcolm wrote the comments on someone else’s behalf who then posted them on this site using his or her own identity. Whatever the circumstances this chimp is 100% certain that the comments were written by Iain Malcolm. CLICK HERE and HERE. and that this is’nt the first time Miss Piggy has posted comments on Mr Monkey’s Blog using other peoples names – more of this later. 

It seems Mr Monkey’s decision to reveal council leader Iain Malcolm was behind these comments and the decision to tell bloggers about his rouse of using eurocar@hotmail.com as his e-mail address caused panic in the South Tyneside Scroungers Club councillors delegation in Epinay and sent them scurrying for cover back under the stones they crawled out from.

Councillor Malcolm then came up with another rouse, this time he tried to bloggers that J Adamson was a council employee who now risked losing his or her job because of Mr Monkey’s revelations. Unfortunatley he couldn’t order his stooge, Papa John Szymanski at the Labour Gazetteer, aka Shields Gazette to publish the story – he can’t risk telling the public what we really gets up to at their expenses – so he decided to use the Fat Mackem Hobbit over at the Shire as his mouthpiece and the daft twat fell for it.

Within hours of Mr Monkey confirming that Iain Malcolm was the person responsible, the following comment appeared;

You deluded idiot, I AM NOT Iain Malcolm and I AM NOT a councillor just an employee of STC, now you’ve disclosed my email address and risked my job you stupid ignorant fucking twat!
Pull your head out of your arse and start thinking of a way to defend me at the investigatory interview.

I won’t be back leaving comments here, brainless arsehole.

.. and this is when the theory that J Adamson is a council employee falls on flat on it’s arse.

Although this latest comment comes from the same e-mail address and uses the same name, Mr Monkey is certain that Iain Malcolm did not write it – it’s not his style of writing,  which thanks to a tip off Mr Monkey now knows how to recognise.

This comment is clearly the work of a second individual on the French trip and Mr Monkey reckons he ‘s seen this style of writing on dozens of occasions since his blog first appeared.

Mr Monkey is going to spend the weekend going through all the archived comments to see if any pattern emerges and he’s also going to do some digging into who or what eurocar is and what link there is with South Tyneside Council – his findings will be posted next week.

In the meantime Mr Monkey can reveal that the eurocar e-mail address was first used by someone called Big Daddy on 1st November 2008 when he (the tone of this comment tells you he’s a man) left this comment

Get out ya dirty bastard we want to see some chicks, lasses with big tits in nurses uniforms.
No Bender Boys like Malcolm does. 

05
Jun
09

credit where credit’s due

It’s not often Mr Monkey thanks anyone especially the Fat Mackem Hobbit, aka Graham Rigg  over at the Shire, but credit where credit’s due.

It seems councillor David Potts, aka The King of Sleaze’s lackey has suddenly discovered – after being reminded by councillor Iain Malcolm – that comment moderation had been applied to Mr Monkey’s Blog.

Mr Monkey would like to thank the eagle eyed faggot – who is currently doing his thing over in France – for drawing the Fat Mackem Hobbit’s and therefore Mr Monkey’s attention to this oversight.

You’ll both be delighted to know that Mr Monkey has turned off comment moderation so all your comments will be immediately visible for all to see.

05
May
09

a sinking ship or wishful thinking?

Message to Graham Rigg and David Potts (I know they’re avid readers of this blog, so they’ll see this)

Over the past few days, Graham Rigg and David Potts have been having a right old time of it while Mr Monkey has been busy moving house.

Rigg, with plenty of time on his hands as an unemployed man whose been a bit of a failure in life (still in an upstairs flat in your mid 50s, Graham? There are crisis loans for things like that…) has thrown some horrific slurs his way.

But let us not forget: with more members than any of the other opposition groups, they’re still the biggest opposition group. They’re THE political success story in this borough’s history.

No political party has came anywhere near achieving their kind of success in modern times in South Tyneside.

The Tories have three councillors, as do the Lib Dems. The Tories havemade NO gains during David Potts tenure as leader, despite Labour disintegrating nationally over the past five years. Surely questions have to be asked about his competence?

The Progressives, once a dominant political force in the borough, have just five councillors and their hanging on by their finger tips. Take Jim Capstick he scrapped through by just three votes at the last elections.

So tell us, which group/party is doing things wrong…

I personally believe that Rigg and Potts hate the Independent Alliance because they don’t believe in democracy. They believe candidates should be vetted by old school parties, given the nod by party chiefs, and then step forward for election. It’s an insiders world, and they want it to stay that way.

Take councillor Ahmed Khan for instance, they don’t believe a member of the public, (A BLASTED OUTSIDER!) unsoiled by previous political roles, should stand and be duly elected. They don’t want to see the local political gentleman’s club fall apart, worse still their cosy little world being exposed for all to see.

Well Mr Monkey has news for Rigg, Potts and the ruling elite; there are more ‘councillor Khan’s’ on the way.

The Independents are still the official opposition group on the council. The Progressives also vote alongside them. They’re still close. They are a force to be reckoned with.

If you want confirmation of this go to the next council meeting on 12th May. You’re certain to see the Independent Alliance doing the job they were elected to do – oppose the ruling party. On the other hand you’ll see the Tories happily accepting a few tit-bits (PAID OF COURSE), handed out by Labour in a desperate attempt to buy their loyalty for the next 12 months.

Despite what Rigg says, since when have political groups standing in tinpot local elections had to have extensive manifestos and policies?

If so, point me in the direction of the weighty manifestos put forward by local councillors at the last election…You can’t – you’re talking bullshit. They put out double-sided A5 leaflets outlining how they’d improved their wards – they didn’t put out 20-year plans for tourism and business in the town.

At local level it’s about sound money, sound running of the council, competence, honesty and integrity. With a leader and deputy leader who’ve been big business successes themselves, I trust them to do just that.

Why aren’t they that forthcoming about what they “would” do? Probably because there’s no chance of them forming an executive to run the council for two or three years. So why live in fantasy land when they can tell the public what they’ll OPPOSE. When they’re close to seeing the opposition make it into power, they’ll tell the public what they’ll do. If the public like it, they’ll keep on voting. If they don’t, watch them lose their seats.

Just one question, Curly – do you ever get in touch with people you’re about to slur to ask for their take on your inaccurate claims?

Thought not.

Graham Rigg – sniggered at by Labour bosses, loathed by Independents, tolerated reluctantly by Tories.

'Amateur, photographer, amateur blogger, failed politician and general all round misfit desperate to be loved’

'Amateur, photographer, amateur blogger, failed politician and general all round misfit desperate to be loved’

18
Apr
09

Curly suspected of being a paedophile

'Was Curly suspected of being a paedophile - he thought so'

'Was Curly suspected of being a paedophile - he thought so'

It seems that local part time blogger Graham Rigg, aka Curly’s photography habit got him into a spot of bother a while back and ended up with him being pulled over and spoken to by the police after they received a 999 call from a worried member of the public.

The incident made the local press after he contacted them, and was picked up by the Daily Telegraph. CLICK HERE  to read the article in full.

This is what the The Fat Mackem Hobbit had to say about the incident,

‘It became clear that they suspected me of being a paedophile just because I was taking pictures in public” 

He also questioned the right of the police to investigate a complaint made by a member of the public and said, 

“Even if I had been taking pictures in a public park, what gives them the right to track me across town on CCTV and fly into full emergency mode?”

According to the Hobbit

” The notion of presumed innocence seems to have disappeared. So has the notion of neighbourliness – everyone seems to be living with this irrational fear of paedophiles and terrorists.”

Whatever is the world coming to?

17
Feb
09

Bilbo Loves Ping Pong

'Mayor Baggins loves his ping pong'

'Mayor Baggins is considering using his mayor's allowance to buy himself a momento of his visit to the Flying Scotsman'

Last week Mr Monkey revealed how some South Tyneside councillors love nothing more than an away-day to London, especially if there’s a chance to pop in to the Flying Scotsman to watch some dirty tart strut her stuff; all for a bit of loose change, CLICK HERE 

Mr Monkey recalls a story he heard in the members lounge about soon to be mayor Bilbo Baggins, aka councillor John Anglin.

Apparently Bilbo had been in London for the day with a few of his cronies including Shrek, aka councillor Gibson and his Donkey, aka councillor Sewell when they decided to call in to their favourite watering hole for a quick drink fanny farm to see what tasty morsels were on the menu.

As soon as they entered this perverts paradise, they were approached by a rough looking Eastern European slapper, who even Shrek wouldn’t shag.

Luckily for Bilbo, this lass took a shine to him and kept shaking her empty pint glass at him – she was after a bit of loose change so she got get her kit off and perform her party trick. 

Bilbo quickly obliged and before he could say Gandalf, this dodgy slapper was on the stage dropping her draws and flashing her fanny for all to see.

Bilbo had never seen anything like it before and his glasses steamed up so quickly, Shrek had to provide him with demisting cloth – but the best was still to come.

Apparently Hobbits love ping pong and somebody had told the star of the show. No sooner had she finished exercising her fanny, she appeared with a box of ping pong balls.

This Queen of Sleaze crouched down, opened her legs and loaded her fanny with the full box of ping pong balls. She then turned towards Bilbo, gave him a quick wink and started to fire them in the direction of this ecstatic hobbit.

By now, Bilbo’s glasses were so steamed up he didn’t realise that he was being hit by ping pong balls and his suit was getting covered an unusual substance with a familiar odour.

It was only when Shrek and Donkey picked him up off the floor and helped him to the train for the journey back to Newcastle did he realise what he’d done.

This is when the guilt set in as he wondered how he’d explain the staining on his suit and the whiff of a kipper to Berylla Baggins, aka Chris Anglin.

Mr Monkey reckons the mayor’s secretary will have to keep an eye on the mayoral chains just in case Bilbo is tempted to swap the golden balls for the more familiar fishy type.

16
Feb
09

Bilbo Baggins Set To Be Crowned Mayor

'Mayor Bilbo Baggins'

'Mayor Bilbo Baggins'

It’s almost that time of year again when Labour councillors turn their thoughts to the annual gathering at the trough to see what scraps Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm throws at them.

Its also a time when speculation as to who gets what is rife and it’s noticeable how the pursuit of a few extra quid leads to to some very strange allegiances.

There’s only two things that anyone can say for certain; Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm will still be the leader of the council and the deputy mayor, councillor John Anglin will become mayor – unless he fucks up between now and May, or unless a few skeletons climb out of his wardrobe to bite him in the arse!

Anyone who knows councillor Anglin will agree with Mr Monkey that this twat really does belong in the Shire – he even speaks like a fucking hobbit.

No wonder his fellow councillors call him Bilbo Baggins – so mayor Baggins it is then.

Apparently he’s also got something in common the the borough’s other hobbit, they were both members of the Conservative party!

06
Feb
09

Twat of The Week

This week’s Twat of The Week Award was a close run thing with two of the borough’s largest egos going head to head.

The contenders were:

Papa John Szymanski – editor of the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine.

He tried to con the people of Hebburn and Jarrow into believing that his local evening loo paper cares about them. After months of planning, he’s come up with a novel way of woeing his readers back – he’s given them their own website. But he’s left out the fact that he was the man behind the decision to stop publishing a Jarrow and Hebburn edition of the Gazette in the first place.

The Fat Mackem Hobbit – South Tyneside’s all seeing eye.

Known as Mr Ego and disparagingly called Inspector Clouseauless by his ‘mates’, this individual’s knowledge of all things South Tyneside is second to none – or so he claims.

He’s spent all his life in South Tyneside, taking pictures, exploring every hidden street and travelling to and from B & Q on Secretan Way, off Station Rd (opposite Tedco) were he spent the latter part of his working his life mixing paint.

You would expect his geographical knowledge to match his ego.

Earlier in the week he claimed to have found Mr Monkey’s secret lair, apparently the chimp has been hiding out at STCentral TV’s studios on River Drive. He also reckons that the owners of the company would have received a “knock or two from their Independent Councillor over the past two year’s”.

'Twat of The Week'

'Twat of The Week'

Having considered both candidates submissions carefully Mr Monkey has decided to award this week’s Twat of The Week Award to The Fat Mackem Hobbit and this is why:

  • STCentral TV is not based on River Drive but at  Tedco Business Works, Henry Robson Way, off Station Rd (opposite B & Q), you’ve passed it for years you fuckwit and there’s only been an Independent councillor in this area for 9 months and not 2 years.

As for Papa John Szyamanski, he can bet his last sausage roll on the fact that he’ll pick up the award sometime soon.

06
Feb
09

Where Was Mr Monkey Yesterday?

"Is that you David? Cum quickly I've found the Monkey he's hiding in a tv station here in South Shields, hurry, hurry before he escapes"

"Is that you David? Cum quickly I've found the Monkey he's hiding in a tv station here in South Shields."

Bloggers will have noticed that posting was a bit on the light side yesterday; this was because Mr Monkey was on location filming for South Tyneside’s internet television channel, STcentral. CLICK HERE.

At least that’s what ‘Mr Ego’ aka The Fat Mackem Hobbit over at the Shire would have his handful of readers believe with his latest conspiracy theory. No wonder the lads in the snooker club have nicknamed the fuckwit Inspector Clouseauless.

Mr Monkey is sorry to have to disappoint the handful readers that stop by the Shire, but yesterday’s lack of posting was due to this chimp doing nothing more sinister than keeping a hospital appointment which left him feeling a bit groggy and a little out of sorts.

02
Feb
09

Wow!

In December bloggers will remember that Mr Monkey was astounded by how popular his blog had become in just 6 short months and judging by January’s stats it would seem that word is spreading fast and that Mr Monkey’s popularity knows no bounds. 
 
Mr Monkey has just been analysing last month’s stats and can confirm that January has been the best ever month for visitors. In January Mr Monkey’s Blog received over 10,000 more views than in Decemebr with a total of 42,034 views being recorded. 
 
Mr Monkey would like to thank all his readers for making Mr Monkey’s Blog the premier and most widely read blog in South Tyneside- it seems where Mr Monkey leads others follow.Bloggers will have noticed that after months of prevaricating and coming up with all kinds of shit about why he wasn’t going to publish his stats it seems the Fat Mackem Hobbit has changed his mind – nothing to do with he’s had a better January than the previous few months.
 
Despite not wanting to enter a “who can piss further contest” he’s changed his mind and done a complete U turn and is now banging on about his stats. Unfortunately we only have his word on this because once again he’s failed to publish his screen shot.

Mr Monkey will leave bloggers to make up their own mind about whether the Hobbit is telling the truth or not, in the meantime here’s the screen shot from Mr Monkey’s Blog.

 'Another record month'




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