Archive for the 'Houghton and Washington East' Category

21
Jul
09

mr monkey calls it a day

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can go home'

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can return home to enjoy his retirement'

It’s been nearly a year since Mr Monkey burst on to the local political scene with the redesigned version of Mr Monkey’s Blog

.. and what a year it’s been.

This chimp had no idea of the effect his blog would have on politicians of all parties and senior council officers or the impact it would have on local politcs.

Mr Monkey quickly built up a following amongst local bloggers and within weeks, Mr Monkey’s Blog established itself as South Tyneside’s premier blog, much to the annoyance of some.

There have been many highlights during the last 12 months but Mr Monkey’s favourites are:-

  • Ending councillor David Potts political career before it started by getting him deselected as the Tory candidate to fight Alistair Darling.
  • Ensuring that the people of Washington East and Houghton knew what a devious and scheming individual Ed Malcom was. This played a major part  in his failure to become their prospective member of Parliament.
  • Exposing council leader Iain Malcolm as an election fraudster.
  • Knowing that Irene Lucas, the Chief Executive of South Tyneside Council could not control, manipulate or stop Mr Monkey and that his blog was the worst thing that happened to her in her local government career.
  • Knowing that every politician feared being exposed on Mr Monkey’s Blog and despite what they said, knowing that everyone of them read it daily.
  • Exposing Ed Malcolm’s long term affair with his ‘granny’, aka councillor Punchion
  • ‘Outing’ Iain Malcolm.
  • Continually thwarting the attempts of senior council officials to stop Mr Monkey’s Blog and reveal the identity of Mr Monkey.
  • Frustrating South Tyneside’s most self opinionated blogger, the Fat Mackem Hobitt.
  • Exposing Papa John Szymanski, editor of the local Malcolm Fanzine, aka the Shields Gazette as a Labour groupie, freeloader and that he sold his soul to Labour for the price of a sausage roll.
  • Knowing that all the pseudonyms Mr Monkey has used will be around for years to come.

After achieving every goal Mr Monkey set himself – in record time – this chimp has decided to give his victims an early birthday present – Mr Monkey is going to call it a day on Thursday 30th July.

Mr Monkey has spent the last couple of months agonising over whether or not to retire and after talking it over with a few wiser chimps, he’s decided to take their advice and return to the jungle to enjoy his retirement and spend more time with his family.

Although Mr Monkey has decided to call it a day, he hasn’t yet made up his mind about whether to leave Mr Monkey’s Blog on the internet for future generations to enjoy or whether to remove it forever – that decision will be made on International Primate Day.

Make sure you stop by on Tuesday 1st September .. when all will be revealed.

27
May
09

twinkle toes

Mr Monkey popped into his local for a swift one last night and caught a glimpse of Britains Got Talent – seems the whole country is obsessed with reality tv shows.

This chimp couldn’t help noticing that one of last night’s semi finalist – a brother and sister team – looked as though they came straight from the set of Strictly Come Dancing as they performed a high octane ballroom dancing routine.

Mr Monkey mentioned that he thought it was a shame that more people did’nt take up ballroom dancing and to his surprise a number of locals admitted that they were taking lessons and that they’d been on a waiting list for several months before the could join a class.

What Mr Monkey heard next had this chimp falling about in fits of laughter and he almost choked on his beer.

Apparently councillor Ed Malcolm, aka ‘Big’ Ed and his long term slapper lover councillor Olive Punchion, aka Aunt Sally have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for several months and they’re still crap at it.

Mr Monkey reckons councillor Malcolm’s desire to become the belle off the ball may stem from his childhood fascination with dressing up dolls. Either that or he intends to marry Aunt Sally and wants to surprise his guests when the odd ‘happy couple’ perform the first dance.

The thought of Ed and Olive strutting their stuff on their wedding day is enough to give anyone a nightmare.

Imagine Aunt Sally, the 80 year old scarecrow clinging onto ‘Big’ Ed, the 4ft dwarf for all she’s worth? And what about Big Ed hugging Aunt Sally in a motherly embrace for comfort and security, and to stop him falling over – it’s a good job she’s past lactating or he’d be suckling her too.

But don’t worry Ed, whatever happens this chimp will be there to witness your big day, you have little choice but to invite him!

17
May
09

iain malcolm dares you tell people about mr monkey!

Seems council leader Iain Malcolm’s obsession to silence Mr Monkey has taken a new twist.

Bloggers will already know that Miss Piggy, aka councillor Iain Malcolm ordered senior officers of the council to bar access to Mr Monkey’s Blog from all council computers in a desperate attempt to stop council employees and councillors from reading about his disgraceful antics and what really goes on behind the closed doors of his pen office. CLICK HERE.

If that wasn’t enough, he tried to ban access to Mr Monkey’s Blog on council owned Blackberrys that are used by senior officers and councillors. CLICK HERE.

And even his brother, councillor Ed Malcolm unsuccessfully complained to the police after he recived a Christmas card from a  naughty ape. CLICK HERE.

Mr Monkey has also learned that public money has been used to buy legal advice in an effort to silence this chimp – more on this will follow. CLICK HERE, and HERE 

A senior councillor has unwittingly told Mr Monkey that his ape antics are driving Miss Piggy mad and he’s frustrated that all his attempts to silence the chimp fail.

Apparently he’s now resorted to intimidation to silence anyone who dares mention Mr Monkeys Blog and has threatened to take disciplinary action against any council employee who dares mention Mr Monkey by name.

This chimp was now been told that councillor Iain Malcolm has stepped up his campaign of intimidation and is now using the council’s Standards Committee in a last ditch attempt to stop people referring to Mr Monkey’s Blog.

Apparently an opposition councillor has been reported to the Standards Committee for daring to refer to Mr Monkey’s Blog – the councillor has been charged with promoting a political blog that disrespects both councillors and council officers.

Mr Monkey reckons other local bloggers, newspapers (except the Shields Gazette who already do as they are told) and anyone who dares talk about local politics in their workplaces, pubs, clubs and even their own homes better beware, the fat sow in the town hall is out to get you.

29
Jan
09

What A Waste Of Money Ed .. ith

Reports reaching Mr Monkey suggest that councillor Ed .. ith Malcolm seems to have pissed her his money down the drain in pursuit of her his political ambitions.

Apparently Ed .. ith was taking elocution lessons so that she could speak ‘proper’ when it came to making her his maiden speech in Westminster. Unfortunately the dozy half of the Chuckle Brothers never made it past the first hurdle and her his efforts were thwarted by Labour North who decided to impose an all women’s shortlist on the Houghton and Washington East constituency to keep this scheming bastard out. Despite her his protests they discovered she had a dick and would therefore have to withdraw.

Ed .. ith has now been relegated to doing her his proper job – making a twat of her himself as lead member for resources. Apparently the Indy Alliance asked a series of searching questions at last week’s full council which seemed to have confused the fuck out of her him and turned her him into a blubbering wreck. He didn’t even manage a stutter.

Mr Monkey reckons that with this fuckwit in charge of the council’s finance we’re likelyto see more financial black holes than a galaxy far, far away.

21
Jan
09

It’s Not Too Late Ed..ith

Thwarted ... Ed Malcolm.

Councillor Ed..ith Malcolm

Seems councillor Ed..ith Malcolm is down in the dumps today after learning that her his bid to become an MP has been thwarted by Mr Monkey.

Apparently Labour North decided that the only way to stop Ed..ith grabbing the seat was to impose an all women’s shortlist on Fraser Kemps Houghton and Washington East constituency.

Mr Monkey reckons Labour North will still need to keep an eye on Ed..ith though – don’t be surprised if she he suddenly has a sex change.

Lets face it, the dirty bastard already acts like an old woman so having his bollocks removed won’t make much difference.

20
Jan
09

The Curse of The Monkey Strikes Again

Having put an end to the political ambitions of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy, David Potts, Mr Monkey turned his attention to the runt of the Malcolm clan, councillor Ed Malcolm.

Apparently the Malcolms Chuckle Brothers fancied their chances of capturing the Labour nomination for the Parliamentary seat of Houghton and Washington East after sitting MP Fraser Kemp announced his intention to stand down.

The scandal surrounding the payments at Newcastle Airport and councillor Iain Malcolm’s role in this murky affair put paid to any chance he had of grabbing the seat and this left the way clear for brother Ed.

Ed’s advisers and supporters did their best to hide his colourful past and dubious character but failed to control Mr Monkey and it now seems Ed has paid the ultimate price.

In a surprise move worthy of the Chuckle Brothers, Labour HQ has now imposed an all women’s shortlist on the constituency. This effectively eliminates any chance Ed had of fiddling stealing the nomination.

Ed announced his intention to seek the nomination in autumn and has tried every trick in the book to cheat his way to power. Yet within days of the ballot, the poor bastard has had his plans scuppered and his dubious past has come back to haunt him and Mr Monkey is delighted to have played his part in Ed’s demise.

How ironic then that a favourite tactic of the MalcolmsChuckle Brothers and their supporters to get rid of theircritics was used so successfully to put an end to Ed’s political ambitions.

Mr Monkey reckons former colleagues John Hodgson, John Watson and Tom Defty will tonight be raising a glass to Mr Monkey and the genius behind the plot to rid Houghton and Washington East of Ed Malcolm.

Seems Billy Malcolm’s vision for his boys will never be realised and they’ll remain tied to their mam’s apron strings forever.

Anyone else out their fancy thier chances of making it to Westminster – if so you’ll need to get past Mr Monkey first.

16
Jan
09

Apologies

Mr Monkey has been spending a lot of time in councillor Ed Malcolm’s wannabee Parliamentary constituency of Houghton and Washington East. This has meant that there’s been very little time for posting so please accept Mr Monkey’s apologies – but things will get be back to normal after the ballot.

Over the next couple of days Mr Monkey will be checking out several leads about a sudden and dramatic rise in new Labour party and union membership applications.

This is an old Malcolm trick which has for years been used by the Chuckle Brothers and their supporters to load the numbers in their favour to secure the result they want in selection ballots – the police call it fraud and ballot rigging.

It’s a relatively simple and cost effective way of guaranteeing the result you want and all it takes is a bit of persuasion and an offer to pay the ‘prospective members’ subs. You don’t need their permission either – Iain Malcolm still boasts about the time he joined a dead man to the Labour party, but more of that later.

Mr Monkey is working on getting irrefutable proof and when he does it will be passed to the Police.




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