Archive for the 'Mackem' Category

31
Jan
09

All Smiles in Whitburn .. Until Derby Day

'The toon will soon wipe that smile off your face'

'The toon will soon wipe that smile off your face'

South Tyneside’s dominatrix, Irene Lucas has cause to celebrate today after husband John Hays picked up a top travel award on behalf of his company Hays Travel. CLICK HERE.

Mr Hays who doubles as Quinny’s side kick at the Stadium of Shite (some daft twat has to be vice chairman), seems to be following in his wife’s footsteps when it comes to giving yourself a pat on the back and picking up worthless awards.

I bet the pillow talk in Irene and John’s boudoir must have been fucking interesting this week – imagine “my gong is bigger than your gong”.

Mr Monkey reckons it was only a matter of time before John got his own back on Irene after she picked up that meaningless piece of glass in London for being the Best Council of The Year.

Remember all the hype  shite that followed an award that was given by a fucking magazine of all things?

Sorry Irene and John but your joy is about to come to an abrupt end and you know why – yes you and all your Mackem trash are gonna get fucked by the Toon tomorrow.

03
Jan
09

Anne and Ed – Just Good Friends

'Just Good Friends'

'Anne and Ed - just good friends'

Seems the old dinosaur, councillor Olive Punchion faces a bit of competition for councillor Ed Malcolm’s affections.
 
Ever since he was 21 he’s had a fetish for older women, but after his recent holiday with Olive in America it seems that there’s old and there’s fucking ancient.
 
Ed is increasingly embarrassed by Olive and reckons that there’s more chance of Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask giving up the vodka than there is of Olive being accepted by the old miners of Houghton, Hetton and Shiney Row. And of course this wannabe MP for Houghton and Washington East can’t risk the sleaze surrounding his 30 year relationship with a married woman to surface during an election campaign.
 
Too late Ed, Mr Monkey has already sent details of your sleazy love life to senior party officials at Millbank House.
 
Ed also finds Olive a bit of a turn off – even the Viagra does fuck all. Hardly surprising when you consider Olive his approachinh her twilight years and is more interested in getting a good night’s sleep, putting on the anti wrinkle cream and pickling her teeth than sucking on Ed’s dick toes.
 
Ed’s also shitting himself that he might have to make an honest woman out of Olive now that she’s free to marry.
 
Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that Olive is on the verge of being dumped as councillor Ed Malcolm may have found love companionship elsewhere. This may explain why he’s spending less time in South Shields and more time in Shiney Row (Houghton Le Spring).
 
Apparently the new love of his life his new friend is Labour councillor Anne Hall who by chance happens to represent Shiney Row, a ward in the heart of the constituency Ed Malcolm hopes to represent; assumming he secures the Parliamentary nomination ahead of his rivals.
 
Ed is spending more and more of his free time with Anne and Mr Monkey can confirm that Ed is wooing Anne by wining and dining her at intimate and romantic venues – this chimp recently saw the happy couple in a restuarnt and they only had eyes for each other.
 
Mr Monkey urges Anne to be cautious in her dealings with Ed as he’s probably using her to secure the nomination and then she’ll go the way of Olive and will be left feeling used and abused.
 
If bloggers would like to know more about Ed’s new friend CLICK HERE.
28
Nov
08

Hobbit Spits His Dummy Out

Seems the Fat Mackem Hobbit over at the Shire Curly’s Corner Shop has spat his dummy out because Mr Monkey removed the link to his boring blog.

He reckons that Mr Monkey removed the link in a fit of anger and this action bears a similarity to some other event in the blogsphere.

Sorry to disapoint you Mr Hobbit but nothing could be further from the truth.

The link was removed because it served no useful purpose. Originally it was provided to as a courtesy for Mr Monkey’s readers but it was apparent within weeks of Mr Monkey’s Blog going live that most of them couldn’t give a fuck give about the Hobbit’s insignificant little blog.

Mr Monkey thought readers might appreciate a link to something that wouldn’t sent them to sleep. But before removing the link to the Shire Corner Shop, Mr Monkey gave the Hobbit an opportunity to reciprocate the link. He choose not to, so Mr Monkey removed the link – hardly the actions of someone that was angry!

Mr Monkey has suspected for sometime that the Fat Mackem Hobbit is obsessed with figures and his latest comments proves this theory.

Perhaps the Hobbit’s obsession is psychological and is related to his childhood – the poor bastard never managed to exceed 5ft in height but his girth ballooned into something resembling a Teletubby.

He’s spent his entire life trying to grow taller than a daffodil and comfort eating in the hope he might achieve his goal. Then he discovered blogging and now spends every waking hour feeding his ego and pretending he’s a big player.

Come on Curly, big and Hobbit just don’t go together.

Talking of figures, when are you going to tell us how many readers you actually have? This time last year you couldn’t wait to tell the world how popular your blog was but suddenly your silence is deafening – or is it that your readers prefer a bit of Monkey business?

14
Nov
08

Has Irene Lucas Had Enough?

Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that South Tyneside Council’s Chief Executive Irene Lucas has had enough and is set to fly the coup.

Ms Lucas who is not short of a few quid is beginning to get the jitters at the prospect of Labour losing control of the Council and feels it’s time to get out before the public discover what’s really been going on in the town hall.

It’s common knowledge that she’s finding it difficult to work with new Council leader Miss Piggy aka councilor Iain Malcolm; they have a mutual dislike and distrust of each other

Mr Monkey can confirm that Ms Lucas is desperate to return to her roots and has been is sniffing round the corridors of Sunderland’s Civic Centre and has been actively speaking to senior councillors and officers to gauge thier response.

The post of Chief Executive was recently advertised and carries with it an annual salary of £170,000. If succesful she would be in line for a pay rise of around £40,000!

An inside source at Sunderland City Council has confirmed that Irene Lucas is the front runner to fill the post by March 2009.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering whether her shredder will be working overtime this Christmas and New Year so he will be keeping a close eye on town hall to see who’s coming and going.

Whatever you do Irene don’t destroy any incriminating evidence because Mr Monkey’s eyes are everywhere.

25
Oct
08

Derby Day Monkey Clip

In case you’ve been on another planet this week, today’s is fuck a mackem derby day. Don’t expect any blogging today, Mr Monkey has got other things in his hed.

Blogging will have to wait while he takes care of business, but don’t worry this week’s Monkey Clip should keep all you lads and lasses entertained.

Mr Monkey dedicates this week’s clip to every toon supporter in the universe and to all the mackem scum that’s ganna crawl out of the sewers, especially ‘The King of Sleaze’, Tory Boy David Potts and his mouthpiece‘The Mackem Hobbit’, Curly aka Graham Rigg! CLICK HERE and enjoy.




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