Archive for the 'Married Women' Category

27
May
09

twinkle toes

Mr Monkey popped into his local for a swift one last night and caught a glimpse of Britains Got Talent – seems the whole country is obsessed with reality tv shows.

This chimp couldn’t help noticing that one of last night’s semi finalist – a brother and sister team – looked as though they came straight from the set of Strictly Come Dancing as they performed a high octane ballroom dancing routine.

Mr Monkey mentioned that he thought it was a shame that more people did’nt take up ballroom dancing and to his surprise a number of locals admitted that they were taking lessons and that they’d been on a waiting list for several months before the could join a class.

What Mr Monkey heard next had this chimp falling about in fits of laughter and he almost choked on his beer.

Apparently councillor Ed Malcolm, aka ‘Big’ Ed and his long term slapper lover councillor Olive Punchion, aka Aunt Sally have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for several months and they’re still crap at it.

Mr Monkey reckons councillor Malcolm’s desire to become the belle off the ball may stem from his childhood fascination with dressing up dolls. Either that or he intends to marry Aunt Sally and wants to surprise his guests when the odd ‘happy couple’ perform the first dance.

The thought of Ed and Olive strutting their stuff on their wedding day is enough to give anyone a nightmare.

Imagine Aunt Sally, the 80 year old scarecrow clinging onto ‘Big’ Ed, the 4ft dwarf for all she’s worth? And what about Big Ed hugging Aunt Sally in a motherly embrace for comfort and security, and to stop him falling over – it’s a good job she’s past lactating or he’d be suckling her too.

But don’t worry Ed, whatever happens this chimp will be there to witness your big day, you have little choice but to invite him!

01
Mar
09

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to councillor ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm who made a total fuck up of presenting Labour’s budget proposals at Thursday’s full council meeting.

Apparently he struggled to get his words out and was thrown off his stride when Aunt Sally, aka Olive Punchion his long term slapper brought him a glass of water.

24
Jan
09

The Prince Of Sleaze

'Once a prick, always a prick'

'Once a prick, always a prick'

This chimp promised bloggers a picture of the King of Sleaze, aka councillor David Potts when he was nothing but a prince aged about 13. CLICK HERE.

The picture says it all and probably explains why he been such a prick ever since he discovered his own knob. Take a peak at his right hand.

Mr Monkey never realised what a fat bastard he was and now understands why his school mates named him Pudgy Face or was it Lard Arse?

03
Jan
09

Anne and Ed – Just Good Friends

'Just Good Friends'

'Anne and Ed - just good friends'

Seems the old dinosaur, councillor Olive Punchion faces a bit of competition for councillor Ed Malcolm’s affections.
 
Ever since he was 21 he’s had a fetish for older women, but after his recent holiday with Olive in America it seems that there’s old and there’s fucking ancient.
 
Ed is increasingly embarrassed by Olive and reckons that there’s more chance of Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask giving up the vodka than there is of Olive being accepted by the old miners of Houghton, Hetton and Shiney Row. And of course this wannabe MP for Houghton and Washington East can’t risk the sleaze surrounding his 30 year relationship with a married woman to surface during an election campaign.
 
Too late Ed, Mr Monkey has already sent details of your sleazy love life to senior party officials at Millbank House.
 
Ed also finds Olive a bit of a turn off – even the Viagra does fuck all. Hardly surprising when you consider Olive his approachinh her twilight years and is more interested in getting a good night’s sleep, putting on the anti wrinkle cream and pickling her teeth than sucking on Ed’s dick toes.
 
Ed’s also shitting himself that he might have to make an honest woman out of Olive now that she’s free to marry.
 
Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that Olive is on the verge of being dumped as councillor Ed Malcolm may have found love companionship elsewhere. This may explain why he’s spending less time in South Shields and more time in Shiney Row (Houghton Le Spring).
 
Apparently the new love of his life his new friend is Labour councillor Anne Hall who by chance happens to represent Shiney Row, a ward in the heart of the constituency Ed Malcolm hopes to represent; assumming he secures the Parliamentary nomination ahead of his rivals.
 
Ed is spending more and more of his free time with Anne and Mr Monkey can confirm that Ed is wooing Anne by wining and dining her at intimate and romantic venues – this chimp recently saw the happy couple in a restuarnt and they only had eyes for each other.
 
Mr Monkey urges Anne to be cautious in her dealings with Ed as he’s probably using her to secure the nomination and then she’ll go the way of Olive and will be left feeling used and abused.
 
If bloggers would like to know more about Ed’s new friend CLICK HERE.
26
Dec
08

REVIEW of 2008: Potts Cums Clean .. on Teachers

Mr Monkey has decided to dedicate the last few days of 2008 to some of the most popular posts of the year. All the archive material published between now and the end of the year has appeared on either Mr Monkey’s Blog or it’s predecessor The Monkeyhouse.

What better way to start this review of 2008 than with the borough’s very own King of Sleaze, Tory Boy councillor David Potts. His lack of morals, double dealing, lying and cheating, sleazy behaviour and his unflinching support for the local Labour party were exposed by Mr Monkey and eventually led to his downfall and de-selection as Parliamentary candidate for Edinburgh South West.

Potts Cums Clean .. on Teachers

Tory leader David Cameron is often ribbed by Gordon Brown for his lack of policies. Luckily for him, local Tory boy Potts has plenty of them, which he’s willing to put into practise at any opportunity.

Today’s policy is education

While last year he demanded the most vulnerable children in society be moved into boarding schools “because it’s cheaper”, now he’s pro-state school..well, pro-state school teachers anyway…

The pudgy-faced Tory boy, who has already had a primary school teacher girlfriend, has now taken to knocking-off a local comprehensive school teacher when he’s not commuting between Edinburgh and here.

A close friend of the (presumably traumatised) young lady contacted an associate of The Monkeyto say that he’d had his wicked way with the teacher upstairs in the Cottage Tavern pub in Cleadon. Trebles all round!

Who’d have thought it, the leader of the Tories on South Tyneside Council caught-up in a cottage-ing tryst.

22
Dec
08

Former Conservative Parliamentary Candidate Father’s A Bastard

'If only she'd learned her highway code'

'If only she'd learned her highway code'

Seems The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts who loves nothing more than putting his dick about may have scored an own goal of mega proportions.

For several days the talk in the members room has been about Pudgy Face Potts and how he’s managed to get his long suffering girlfriend pregnant – the free condoms had holes in them!

Seems this drunken former Conservative Parliamentary candidate and failed local politician who has a reputation for hard drinking and fucking anything with a hole may have fathered a bastard. Apparently he’s been telling anyone that would listen he’s got no intention of doing the decent thing and marrying the poor lass – he claims he’s too young and is not ready to settle down yet.

Mr Monkey reckons this latest example of Conservative family values as demonstrated by it’s group leader will put paid to any outside chance councillor Potts had of ever making a career out of politics.

Perhaps it’s time the lazy bastard found himself a real job .. something like a male prostitute. That way he get to do the things he really wants like fuck, be fucked whilst earning a few quid. But isn’t that what he’s doing already since he sold out his party to Labour council leader Iain Malcolm for thirty pieces of silver?

12
Dec
08

Free Condoms For Potts

According to this article CLICK HERE thousands of condoms are to be handed out free of charge over the festive period in an attempt to reduce the number of new cases of sexually transmitted diseases.

Mr Monkey reckons that the organisers should launch their campaign at the Red Lion in Boldon, at least that way they’d catch the borough’s number one sexual predator, The King of Sleaze aka Tory Boy Potts.

Alternatively given his escapades in the bushes, castration might be an option, especially if her husband gets his hands on Pudgy Face.




Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.