Archive for the 'Miners' Category

19
Feb
09

April Fool

'Mr Dumpy the sauasge roll loving cretin'

'Mr Dumpy the sausage roll loving cretin'

When Mr Monkey read this shite CLICK HERE about the editor of the Gazette, Papa John Szymanski, aka Mr Dumpy, the first thing he did was check the date; it wasn’t April 1st was it?

Mr Monkey’s not sure what the region’s editors were thinking of when they ‘appointed’ this sausage roll loving cretin as the chair of the Northern region of the Society of Editors, although he’s now been told by an insider working for the Trinity Mirror group that Papa John was the only twat to put himself forward. 

No wonder the sour faced cunt with five chins got the job!

Apparently when Papa John accepted the post he was given a ceremonial miner’s lamp so he can find his way further up Iain Malcolm’s arse and he promptly embarrassed himself by trying to eat it – he thought it was some kind of novelty sausage roll.

During his acceptance speech, Papa John read out a statement from his paymaster Iain Malcolm said,

“I am honoured to accept this position in what is a challenging time for the media. A free Press is essential to any democracy and I will strive to ensure the Society does its utmost to protect the freedom of all sectors of the media to report on behalf of the public.”

What he meant to say was,

“I am honoured to accept this position on behalf of my paymaster councillor Iain Malcolm, the leader of South Tyneside Council in what is a challenging time for him as the 2010 elections approach. The Press must be at the beck and call of it’s paymasters and democracy means nothing unless we do as we are told. I will strive to ensure the Society does its utmost to protect Labour in the North East and will ensure all sectors of the media only report the news our paymasters want us to as we cannot afford to tell the public the truth”.

Mr Monkey has been told that the Society recognises the universal right to freedom of expression, the importance of the vitality of the news media in a democratic society, and the promotion of Press and broadcasting freedom and the public right to know.

But all this is about to change under the leadership of Iain Malcolm Mr Dumpy, aka Papa John Szymanski especially if the Gazette is anything to go by.

10
Feb
09

The Buffon and The Hogg

Bill 'The Buffoon' Brady is set to be replaced by The Hogg

Bill 'The Buffoon' Brady is set to be replaced by The Hogg

Mr Monkey heard an interesting conversation in the members lounge recently about the impending sacking retirement of councillor Bill ‘The Buffoon’ Brady.

Apparently councillors Iain Malcolm and Barry Scorer have been secretly meeting to discuss their make up and things girlie the new cabinet and they’ve decided it’s time to get rid of The Buffoon .

As a sweetener, to protect his income they intend to offer him the chair of one of the lesser committees at this year’s Annual General Meeting, better known as the SWEETIE SHOP. This is when the piglets Labour councillors gather round Miss Piggy’s – aka Iain Malcolm’s – trough to see what scraps the old sow will throw at them.

Mr Monkey has learned that The Buffoon already suspects he’s about to be sacked from the cabinet and has started putting it about that he intends to retire in 2010 and not seek re-election. But like all Labour councillors he cannot leave without having the last word.

The Buffoon is trying to manoeuvre his 19 year old grandson, aptly named David Hogg into the vacant seat to ensure the Brady line continues, despite the fact that he has no political credentials other than being a member of the Westoe Labour party.

That said, he’s already got a reputation for being a piss head and is increasingly seen enjoying free hospitality at the expense of the council tax payer. This year he joined a select band of Labour councillors stuffing their faces and drinking whatever they could get their hands on at the Great North Run hospitality tent. He’s also got a reputation for being a lazy bastard who can’t get up in a morning; probably something to do with the fact that he works in the Atlantic and Vibe nightclubs.

With credentials like these he seems an ideal choice for Iain Malcolm’s sleazy world of local Labour politics.

11
Jan
09

Wannabee MPs – The Gang Of Three

South Tyneside has it’s fair share of wannabee MPs so Mr Monkey thought he’d take a closer look at the ‘Gang of Three’.

*Ed Malcolm – aka ‘Big Ed’. This Labour councillor and brother of council leader Iain Malcolm is currently trying to con his way into Fraser Kemp’s old seat in Houghton and Washington East.
Big Ed is known as a bit of a womaniser and has a fetish for women old enough to be his granny. He has a reputation for being the tightest man in South Tyneside; he doesn’t just squeak when he walks, he screams.

*Iain Malcolm – aka ‘Miss Piggy’. Iain is the Labour leader of South Tynside Council and is never far from political controversy. He was seen as David Clarke’s successor but Tony Blair was having none of it and parachuted David Miliband into the seat instead.
He was to seek the nomination in Houghton and Washington East (before his brother) but after being incriminated in the ‘Great Newcastle Airport Giveaway’ controversy where he allowed payments of more than £8 million pounds to be paid to 2 former directors to go unchallenged he thought better of it.

*Together, the Malcolm’s are known as the Chuckle Brothers.

David Potts – aka The King of Sleaze. Pudgy Face and Tory Boy. Calls himself leader of the Conservatives on South Tyneside Council, but there’s only 3 of them including him. He stood in the Scottish Parliamentary elections and failed to make any inroads. His efforts got him noticed and he was selected as the Conservative candidate to challenge the Chancellor, Alastair Darling for his Edinburgh seat.
Following revelations by Mr Monkey about his heavy drinking, abuse of position and womanising he was to be deselected by the party. He claimed to have resigned because of his father’s ill health (he lives with his mum) and wanted to devote more time to fighting the BNP. Apparently he also failed to consistentlycampaign in the constituency and was not well liked by party members who thought that he was self opinionated and arrogant.

Mr Monkey reckons it will be interesting to see which one of these makes it to Westminster first or is there someone else who might beat them to it .. Michael Clare for instance?

03
Jan
09

Anne and Ed – Just Good Friends

'Just Good Friends'

'Anne and Ed - just good friends'

Seems the old dinosaur, councillor Olive Punchion faces a bit of competition for councillor Ed Malcolm’s affections.
 
Ever since he was 21 he’s had a fetish for older women, but after his recent holiday with Olive in America it seems that there’s old and there’s fucking ancient.
 
Ed is increasingly embarrassed by Olive and reckons that there’s more chance of Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask giving up the vodka than there is of Olive being accepted by the old miners of Houghton, Hetton and Shiney Row. And of course this wannabe MP for Houghton and Washington East can’t risk the sleaze surrounding his 30 year relationship with a married woman to surface during an election campaign.
 
Too late Ed, Mr Monkey has already sent details of your sleazy love life to senior party officials at Millbank House.
 
Ed also finds Olive a bit of a turn off – even the Viagra does fuck all. Hardly surprising when you consider Olive his approachinh her twilight years and is more interested in getting a good night’s sleep, putting on the anti wrinkle cream and pickling her teeth than sucking on Ed’s dick toes.
 
Ed’s also shitting himself that he might have to make an honest woman out of Olive now that she’s free to marry.
 
Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that Olive is on the verge of being dumped as councillor Ed Malcolm may have found love companionship elsewhere. This may explain why he’s spending less time in South Shields and more time in Shiney Row (Houghton Le Spring).
 
Apparently the new love of his life his new friend is Labour councillor Anne Hall who by chance happens to represent Shiney Row, a ward in the heart of the constituency Ed Malcolm hopes to represent; assumming he secures the Parliamentary nomination ahead of his rivals.
 
Ed is spending more and more of his free time with Anne and Mr Monkey can confirm that Ed is wooing Anne by wining and dining her at intimate and romantic venues – this chimp recently saw the happy couple in a restuarnt and they only had eyes for each other.
 
Mr Monkey urges Anne to be cautious in her dealings with Ed as he’s probably using her to secure the nomination and then she’ll go the way of Olive and will be left feeling used and abused.
 
If bloggers would like to know more about Ed’s new friend CLICK HERE.
31
Dec
08

Wannabe Labour MP For Houghton and Washington East, Ed Malcolm and The Ryhope Pigeon Crees.

Senior South Tyneside councillor Ed Malcolm, the brother of council leader Iain Malcolm seems to think he’s got the Labour nomination for the Parliamentary constituency of Houghton and Washington East all sewn up – the seat is traditionally classed as a safe Labour one and will be vacated at the next election by sitting Labour MP, Fraser Kemp.

Sorry Ed  but that might have been the case until Mr Monkey came along.

This chimp has been busy over the festive period and will shortly be uploading a post that will ruffle a few feathers in the racing pigeon fraternity – especially in Ryhope.

What Mr Monkey is about to reveal will certainly turn heads, cause anger amongst pigeon fanciers, be the talk of the pubs and clubs and is almost certain to put an end to any chance you may have had of securing the nomination for your brother self.

Mr Monkey has already ended the Parliamentary ambitions of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts and you are about to become the join him on the political scrap heap – courtesy of Mr Monkey of course.

Bloggers are advised to keep a close eye on Mr Monkey’s Blog as all is about to be revealed.

Mr Monkey knows you’ve problems controlling your temper Ed, but please don’t take your anger out on Olive, her fanny can’t take it any more

Happy New Year Ed!

31
Dec
08

Did You Get A Monkey Card?

Remember the electronic Christmas card uploaded by Mr Monkey? CLICK HERE.

It seems that some people have started receiving their own personalised version and are not too happy about it – come on you miserable bastards where’s your festive spirit?

Mr Monkey promised to send out 100 limited edition cards to a select band of people but changed his mind and increased the quantity to 250.

People who’ve received them include:

Local councillors
Executive council officers across the Tyne and Wear region
Council leaders in Tyne and Wear
Local journalists
Editors of newspapers in Tyne and Wear and County Durham
The Board of Johnston Press
Editors of newspapers owned by Johnston press
Captain’s of industry and local business leaders
A select number of people considered by Mr Monkey to have influence in political, community, media and business circles
… and every Working Mens Club, pub and Social Club in Houghton Le Spring, Hetton Le Hole and Easington Lane.

But don’t worry if you haven’t received yours yet – there’s more on the way!

27
Dec
08

REVIEW OF 2008: Big Ed And His Small Feet

This post may have put paid to Ed Malcolm’s political ambitions. Apparently he’s desperate to become an MP and is currently trying to sweet talk his way into getting the nomination for the Houghton and Washington East seat which Fraser Kemp will be vacating at the next election.

Big Ed and His Small Feet ..

Whilst troupe members were busy frolicking about earlier today The Monkey noticed that some members of the troupe had bigger feet and penises than others. The Monkey wonders whether the same can be said of humans.

Apparently there is a theory that the size of an individuals feet directly correlates to they size of their penis i.e. small feet, small penis.

The Monkey recalls having a cosy chat with Coun Ed Malcolm recently during which the size of Ed’s feet left a lasting impression on The Monkey – they are so tiny The Monkey reckons he gets his footwear from the childrens section at Clarkes or perhaps even Toys R Us!

As for the other part of the theory, The Monkeyhas been unable to get Coun Olive Punchion to confirm or deny whether Ed’s penis reflects the size of his feet, however, the grin on her face suggests that the theory may be just an old wife’s tale.

Maybe this explains why married women like councillor Olive Punchion have spent year’s playing with ‘Big Ed’s’ dick toes.




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