Archive for the 'Snooze-paper' Category



28
Feb
09

twat of the week

"TWAT OF THE WEEK"

"TWAT OF THE WEEK"

Mr Monkey should have known that finding a ‘Twat of The Week’ was always going to be difficult once this picture of David ‘Birdman’ MacLean appeared, CLICK HERE. 

What this chimp didn’t realise was that there would be so many twats worthy of the title.

Contenders for this coveted award are:

  • Karen Allen - for thinking a Tory has a chance of getting elected in South Shields.
  • John Szymanski - for handing over editorial control of the Shields Gazette to his paymaster Iain Malcolm.
  • The King of Sleaze, David Potts - for presenting the Tories budget whilst pissed.
  • ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm - for confirming what the world already knows; he’s a blithering, stuttering idiot with the intelligence of a slug.
  • The Patron Slut of Sailors, aka Audrey McMillan - who this week realised there’s no local election until 2010.
  • Wilma Waggott, aka Linda - for remembering she represets Boldon Colliery and not Bede.
  • Victor ‘is anyone home’ Thompson - for remembering what day of the week full council is held on.
  • Mr Miserable, aka Tom Defty - for confirming what everyone knew, he’s joined the Real Independents because George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom promised to pay for his Christmas cards.
  • Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask - for listening to council leader Iain Malcolm who convinced her to resign as a governor of Bamburgh School.

and the winner is .. Big Ed Malcolm.

24
Feb
09

Early contender For twat of the week

'Birdman MacLean - an early contender for Twat of The Week'

'Birdman MacLean - an early contender for Twat of The Week'

Gazette reporter David Birdman MacLean is an early contender for The Twat of The Week Award for publishing this self portrait on his new blog.

Apparently Birdman -  who is no longer the Gazette’s blue eyed boy – has turned to blogging now that he’s got a bit of time on his hands having given up reporting on the borough’s political stuff.

Mr Monkey knew he was planning his own blog as he kept dropping hints on his Twitter account and over the weekend he finally went live.

This chimp pissed himself laughing when he saw the results of Birdman’s efforts – it got to be the most boring blog ever. It even makes Curly’s blog look exciting!

If that’s the best he can do, Mr Monkey predicts that Birdman’s blog will be around just long enough to send his boss Papa John Szymanski to sleep – he certainly won’t be worried about Birdman upsetting Miss Piggy, his boss in the town hall.

If your at a loose end and want a cure for insomnia, CLICK HERE – it’s better than a sleeping pill!

21
Feb
09

Happy New Year Angela – it’s 2009

'Angie Van Gogh with has ear to the ground'

'Angie Van Gogh has her ear to the ground'

Mr Monkey appreciates that the Gazette Malcolm Fanzine has a piss poor reputation when it comes to reporting on up to the minute news. But this article by Angela Reed about heart diease CLICK HERE has got be the most out of date piece of journalism this chimp has ever seen.

According to Ms Reed, who obviously has her ear to the ground - that’s why her colleagues call her ‘Van Gogh’ - the borough’s health chiefs are the best in the region when it comes to tackling coronary heart disease.

The only problem is that this bold statement so willingly reproduced by Ms Reed is based on 2006 figures.

In case you haven’t realised Angie, it’s 2009 and yes there are new figures available. But to get them you’ll have to do what any decent journalist does and find them - that means getting off your arse and looking.

19
Feb
09

April Fool

'Mr Dumpy the sauasge roll loving cretin'

'Mr Dumpy the sausage roll loving cretin'

When Mr Monkey read this shite CLICK HERE about the editor of the Gazette, Papa John Szymanski, aka Mr Dumpy, the first thing he did was check the date; it wasn’t April 1st was it?

Mr Monkey’s not sure what the region’s editors were thinking of when they ‘appointed’ this sausage roll loving cretin as the chair of the Northern region of the Society of Editors, although he’s now been told by an insider working for the Trinity Mirror group that Papa John was the only twat to put himself forward. 

No wonder the sour faced cunt with five chins got the job!

Apparently when Papa John accepted the post he was given a ceremonial miner’s lamp so he can find his way further up Iain Malcolm’s arse and he promptly embarrassed himself by trying to eat it – he thought it was some kind of novelty sausage roll.

During his acceptance speech, Papa John read out a statement from his paymaster Iain Malcolm said,

“I am honoured to accept this position in what is a challenging time for the media. A free Press is essential to any democracy and I will strive to ensure the Society does its utmost to protect the freedom of all sectors of the media to report on behalf of the public.”

What he meant to say was,

“I am honoured to accept this position on behalf of my paymaster councillor Iain Malcolm, the leader of South Tyneside Council in what is a challenging time for him as the 2010 elections approach. The Press must be at the beck and call of it’s paymasters and democracy means nothing unless we do as we are told. I will strive to ensure the Society does its utmost to protect Labour in the North East and will ensure all sectors of the media only report the news our paymasters want us to as we cannot afford to tell the public the truth”.

Mr Monkey has been told that the Society recognises the universal right to freedom of expression, the importance of the vitality of the news media in a democratic society, and the promotion of Press and broadcasting freedom and the public right to know.

But all this is about to change under the leadership of Iain Malcolm Mr Dumpy, aka Papa John Szymanski especially if the Gazette is anything to go by.

15
Feb
09

EXCLUSIVE: Gazette Owners Sign Deal With UK Highways Agency

EXCLUSIVE: Johnston Press whose titles include the Shields Gazette and the Sunderland Echo has signed a deal with the Highways Agency to provide real-time traffic and travel data to its regional websites.

The partnership, which has been trialled on the Lancashire Evening Post, the Yorkshire Post and the Yorkshire Evening Post websites, will allow the titles to publish real-time travel information.

The deal, which will be rolled out across Johnston Press’ 323 websites later this year is part of the publisher’s aim to find central sources of content that can be broken down and deployed at a local level.

The trial newspaper sites have plotted live footage from the Highways Agency’s traffic cameras onto a Google map. Each pinpoint opens a new video stream, which is refreshed every 30 seconds.

Sadly the service is unlikely to be rolled out in South Tyneside due to doubts over the long term viability of  the Shields Gazette.

10
Feb
09

Lewd Behaviour Set To Cost Mr Tits?

According to this article in tonight’s snooze paper CLICK HERE it seems that the lewd antics of Mr Tits, councillor Alan Kerr, the deputy leader of South Tyneside council could cost the dirty bastard dear.

Although Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm is doing his best to cover up his deputy’s antics it seems his victim is refusing to give up without a fight. This brave woman has already been redeployed elsewhere in the council – Miss Piggy got rid of her post - and she’s had to take a pay cut. All for having the nerve to speak up.

Mr Monkey has learned that Mr Tits isn’t going to get away with his disgusting antics, his victim has appointed a legal company specialising in workplace harassment and they’ve agreed to take up her case on a no win no fee basis.

Keep an eye on your post box Mr Tits, you’re about to get a surprise.

09
Feb
09

GAZETTE: The End Is Nigh

Mr Monkey reckons the newspaper industry has moved towards the end of middle-age, growing increasingly aware of its own mortality.

Like someone nearing retirement, it might well expect to have a couple of decades left before it’s ready to start pushing up the daisies.

However, the reality is many groups haven’t led the healthiest of lifestyles. Instead of investing for the future, they became greedier and greedier in the margins they chased.

It wasn’t so long ago Johnston Press, whose titles include the Shields Gazette and the Sunderland Echo, were the toast of the industry. Thirty per cent profits.

Why aren’t we making that, they chorused in boardrooms up and down the land.

Now look at them; they’re shares are not worth a bag of crisps.

It’s easy to be wise with hindsight but like all newspaper groups, they never really “got” the internet until it started getting to them.

In late middle-age it seems Johnston Press may well be prone to a sudden heart attack.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering how long the banks are going to put up with their debt mountain – which is approaching half a billion pounds - and given they’re falling revenues it won’t be long before they decide it’s time to foreclose.

It must be worrying times for those employed by the Gazette – do yourselves a favour and get out before it’s too late – apparently Papa John Szymanski is already looking.

06
Feb
09

Twat of The Week

This week’s Twat of The Week Award was a close run thing with two of the borough’s largest egos going head to head.

The contenders were:

Papa John Szymanski - editor of the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine.

He tried to con the people of Hebburn and Jarrow into believing that his local evening loo paper cares about them. After months of planning, he’s come up with a novel way of woeing his readers back – he’s given them their own website. But he’s left out the fact that he was the man behind the decision to stop publishing a Jarrow and Hebburn edition of the Gazette in the first place.

The Fat Mackem Hobbit – South Tyneside’s all seeing eye.

Known as Mr Ego and disparagingly called Inspector Clouseauless by his ‘mates’, this individual’s knowledge of all things South Tyneside is second to none – or so he claims.

He’s spent all his life in South Tyneside, taking pictures, exploring every hidden street and travelling to and from B & Q on Secretan Way, off Station Rd (opposite Tedco) were he spent the latter part of his working his life mixing paint.

You would expect his geographical knowledge to match his ego.

Earlier in the week he claimed to have found Mr Monkey’s secret lair, apparently the chimp has been hiding out at STCentral TV’s studios on River Drive. He also reckons that the owners of the company would have received a “knock or two from their Independent Councillor over the past two year’s”.

'Twat of The Week'

'Twat of The Week'

Having considered both candidates submissions carefully Mr Monkey has decided to award this week’s Twat of The Week Award to The Fat Mackem Hobbit and this is why:

  • STCentral TV is not based on River Drive but at  Tedco Business Works, Henry Robson Way, off Station Rd (opposite B & Q), you’ve passed it for years you fuckwit and there’s only been an Independent councillor in this area for 9 months and not 2 years.

As for Papa John Szyamanski, he can bet his last sausage roll on the fact that he’ll pick up the award sometime soon.

04
Feb
09

Sub Editors Jobs To Go

It seems the owners of the Shields Gazette,  Johnston Press are continuing to push through thier controversial centralisation agenda in an effort to drive down costs and reduce the number of staff employed on individual titles.

This time Johnston Press is targeting sub-editing and picture desk management at its North West titles – with the potential loss of 12 jobs.

The North West is the third area, after the Midlands and Northern Ireland, where Johnston Press has announced centralisation. Staff were told last Thursday, and meetings were ongoing on Friday. The plans – subject to consultation – would see sub-editing at Chorley, Garstang, Burnley and Wigan moving to Preston, home of the Lancashire Evening Post, with the loss of four jobs.

Sub-editing in Lancaster and Morecambe would move to Blackpool, with six jobs lost but three created, giving a net loss of three.

Five picture desk editors from the region would have to apply for two jobs in Preston, and two photographer roles would also go, bringing the total job losses to 12. Titles affected would include the Burnley Express, the Chorley Guardian, and Morecambe’s The Visitor.

Johnston Press has recently announced centralisation in the Midlands, with 49 potential job losses, and Northern Ireland, with 11 job losses. In the Midlands, the National Union of Journalists is proposing an alternative restructuring. In Northern Ireland, staff at the Derry Journal have balloted for strike action.

When the centralising plans were announced, Johnston Press’s chief operating officer Danny Cammiade said, “Johnston Press is a newspaper group that bases itself on its localness.”

Unfortunately this will come as no comfort to the sub editors at the Gazette who are likely to lose their jobs when the centralisation programme reaches the North East later this year and perhaps now’s the time to look elsewhere.

Mr Monkey has heard that STCentral TV, South Tyneside’s rapidly growing internet TV channel is expanding it’s news operation and is currently recruiting experienced journalists, especially those with knowledge of sub editing – so what are you waiting for?

28
Jan
09

Good News, Bad News and The Spokesperson Said ..

Have you noticed how every time Miss Piggy, aka council leader Iain Malcolm and his lackeys fail to bribe control Papa John Szymanski the media and a story criticising the council appears the council suddenly becomes a faceless organisation?

Since May the once proud and iindependent Shields Gazette has become nothing more than the official voice of the local Labour party and if you’re stupid enough to waste 42p on this toilet paper you’ll notice that it’s always full of Labour spin and pictures of smiley Labour councillors.

If you were a visitor to South Tyneside you could be forgiven for thinking that the council consisted solelyof Labour councillors with no opposition and that you were in some kind of utopia where everything is perfect, where apparently even the MP pops down to the town centre to do his daily shopping!

On the rare occassion a critical piece does slip through the Malcolm Censorship Panel - probably because the editor, Papa John Szyamanski is too busy stuffing his chubby face with sausage rolls to notice – you never see those same smiley councillors posing for the cameras, instead they run for cover quicker than Ugly Betty, aka councillor McMillan can get on to a newly docked ship!

Readers will also notice that instead of the usual spin of “The leader of South Tyneside council said ..” the public are fed a diet of shite with “a spokesperson for South Tyneside Council said .. “

Take a look at these two recent examples:

this article appeared in the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine on 24th January and was critical of the council. CLICK HERE. The article was accompanied by a picture of the town hall and included the following lines, ‘A South Tyneside Council spokesman said’ and ‘a spokesman for South Tyneside Council questioned the findings’.

Now compare it to,

this article which appeared in the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine on 21st January telling the world how the council leader intends to keep the council tax rise to under 3%. CLICK HERE. But this time the article was accompanied by a smiley picture of Miss Piggy, aka councillor Iain Malcolm and it also made 4 references to either ‘the council leader’ or councillor Iain Malcolm and included the lines, ‘He said’ and ‘Coun Malcolm said’.

Mr Monkey reckons when it comes to good news Labour councillors group fight like ferrets in a sack yet when it comes to bad news or news that they haven’t been able to spin they’re a bunch of faceless cowards who disappear into the mire quicker than Iain Malcolm does when Newcastle Airport is mentioned.




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