Archive for the 'The Mayor' Category

23
May
09

miss piggy orders a new set of wheels – paid for by you

'Piggy's wheels'

'Piggy's wheels'

Mr Monkey wonders how many people know that South Tyneside council recently did it’s bit to help the ailing British car industry by buying another Swedish car? A fuckwit Iain Malcolm in the town hall decided that it was time to add another black Volvo to the growing collection of council vehicles.

Apparently Iain Malcolm, aka Miss Piggy didn’t want the new deputy mayor, coun Tom Piggott travelling round the borough on his own, because he couldn’t be sure what he’d say. To avoid any embarrassing Piggott moments, coun Malcolm thought the deputy mayor should always be accompanied?

The council already has one black Volvo which comes complete with a chauffeur and it’s used mainly by the mayor, although Iain Malcolm has been known to use it when he needs a lift to the airport. Mr Monkey has now been told coun Iain Malcolm felt that one wasn’t enough so in these difficult economic times – when people are struggling financially – he  decided the time was right to buy a second one. 

He also thought he’d do his bit to help massage the unemployment figures by recruiting another chauffeur – what good is a car without a driver?

17
Feb
09

Bilbo Loves Ping Pong

'Mayor Baggins loves his ping pong'

'Mayor Baggins is considering using his mayor's allowance to buy himself a momento of his visit to the Flying Scotsman'

Last week Mr Monkey revealed how some South Tyneside councillors love nothing more than an away-day to London, especially if there’s a chance to pop in to the Flying Scotsman to watch some dirty tart strut her stuff; all for a bit of loose change, CLICK HERE 

Mr Monkey recalls a story he heard in the members lounge about soon to be mayor Bilbo Baggins, aka councillor John Anglin.

Apparently Bilbo had been in London for the day with a few of his cronies including Shrek, aka councillor Gibson and his Donkey, aka councillor Sewell when they decided to call in to their favourite watering hole for a quick drink fanny farm to see what tasty morsels were on the menu.

As soon as they entered this perverts paradise, they were approached by a rough looking Eastern European slapper, who even Shrek wouldn’t shag.

Luckily for Bilbo, this lass took a shine to him and kept shaking her empty pint glass at him – she was after a bit of loose change so she got get her kit off and perform her party trick. 

Bilbo quickly obliged and before he could say Gandalf, this dodgy slapper was on the stage dropping her draws and flashing her fanny for all to see.

Bilbo had never seen anything like it before and his glasses steamed up so quickly, Shrek had to provide him with demisting cloth – but the best was still to come.

Apparently Hobbits love ping pong and somebody had told the star of the show. No sooner had she finished exercising her fanny, she appeared with a box of ping pong balls.

This Queen of Sleaze crouched down, opened her legs and loaded her fanny with the full box of ping pong balls. She then turned towards Bilbo, gave him a quick wink and started to fire them in the direction of this ecstatic hobbit.

By now, Bilbo’s glasses were so steamed up he didn’t realise that he was being hit by ping pong balls and his suit was getting covered an unusual substance with a familiar odour.

It was only when Shrek and Donkey picked him up off the floor and helped him to the train for the journey back to Newcastle did he realise what he’d done.

This is when the guilt set in as he wondered how he’d explain the staining on his suit and the whiff of a kipper to Berylla Baggins, aka Chris Anglin.

Mr Monkey reckons the mayor’s secretary will have to keep an eye on the mayoral chains just in case Bilbo is tempted to swap the golden balls for the more familiar fishy type.

16
Feb
09

Bilbo Baggins Set To Be Crowned Mayor

'Mayor Bilbo Baggins'

'Mayor Bilbo Baggins'

It’s almost that time of year again when Labour councillors turn their thoughts to the annual gathering at the trough to see what scraps Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm throws at them.

Its also a time when speculation as to who gets what is rife and it’s noticeable how the pursuit of a few extra quid leads to to some very strange allegiances.

There’s only two things that anyone can say for certain; Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm will still be the leader of the council and the deputy mayor, councillor John Anglin will become mayor – unless he fucks up between now and May, or unless a few skeletons climb out of his wardrobe to bite him in the arse!

Anyone who knows councillor Anglin will agree with Mr Monkey that this twat really does belong in the Shire – he even speaks like a fucking hobbit.

No wonder his fellow councillors call him Bilbo Baggins – so mayor Baggins it is then.

Apparently he’s also got something in common the the borough’s other hobbit, they were both members of the Conservative party!

27
Jan
09

Shame On You – You’re A Disgrace

Today is Holocaust Memorial Day.

Yes January 27th is the day when people throughout the world remember the victims of the Nazi Holocaust and of more recent genocides in Cambodia, Darfur, Bosnia, Rwanda, Iraq and Palestine.

Numerous ceremonies to remember the victims of these atrocities have taken place up and down the country including here in South Tyneside where each year the Mayor hosts a ceremony on behalf of the people of the borough to make the occasion.

Apparently today’s guests included a select band of children, members of the public, church goers, a few council officers, a handful of councillors and the usual band of Labour party activists – Mr Monkey is still waiting for details of these scrounging bastards but can confirm that Pat Morris and Jack Brown were seen loitering around the buffet table.

The ceremony itself apparently included several readings, recitals, a prayer, and a few words (via letters) from our local MP’s. There was also a flower laying and candle lighting ceremony.

Mr Monkey can confirm that although today’s ceremony was well attended it seems most councillors, executive directors of the council and business leaders couldn’t be bothered to turn up.

According to a source inside the town hall only 11 councillors out of a possible 54 had the decency to make an appearance, these included: councillors Alex Donaldson, John Anglin, Peter Boyack, Jim Foreman, Ahmed Khan, Jane Branley, Joan Meeks, Tom Piggot, Jimmy Sewell, Ernest Gibson and Alan Kerr.

Notable absences included the Chuckle Brothers, aka Ian and Ed Malcolm, Michael Clare, Bill Brady (Lead Member for Equality and Diversity), Tracy Dixon, Joanne Bell, Audrey McMillan, Linda Waggott, Barry Scorer, John McCabe, Jim Perry and Tom Hanson.

The King of Sleaze Tory Boy David Potts and his two stooges Wood and Millburn, all three Liberal Democrats, the two representatives of the We’ve Finally Made Our Mind Up Party Real Independents councillors Lurch and Red Rum Haram and Elsom plus their new lackey Tom Defty were all conspicuous by their absence.

Apparently the Progressives didn’t bother turning up because they still think its 1986.

Mr Monkey reckons that each and every one of you lazy bastards who couldn’t be bothered to turn up should hang your heads in shame – in the words of the King of Sleaze .. “you’re a disgrace”.

14
Dec
08

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to the mayor of South Tyneside; councillor Alex Donaldson.

After his poor showing at the last council meeting where he failed to control his temper, threatened a councillor and tried to stifle debate, Mr Monkey reckons this clip CLICK HERE might remind him what a twat he made of himself.  

It might help Alex if you stay off the whisky till after the meeting!

29
Nov
08

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to councillor Alex Donaldson, the mayor of South Tyneside.

Councillor Donaldson – a retired police officer – has a knack of losing things, let hope it’s not his memory. 

Mr Monkey reckons it’s time councillor Donaldson took more care of public property and this bit of advice may help. CLICK HERE.

25
Nov
08

Whisky in The Jar

Poor old councillor Alec Donaldson, the Mayor of South Tyneside has been caught out again by a cheeky thief. It seems this petty criminal is able to wander round the town hall at leisure and has a fetish for the Mayor’s whisky jar. CLICK HERE.

Councillor Donaldson, who remains true to his Scottish heritage by knocking back a few whiskies before he dons the mayoral chains, uses one of his empties – a gallon whisky bottle – as a money box to collect a few quid for charity. The problem is he can’t seem to keep hold of it for too long.

Poor old Alec is either too pissed to remember or is getting on bit and keeps forgetting to lock the door to his parlour. Mr Monkey reckons it’s time someone reminded the forgetful twat that as the Mayor he’s responsible for the Mayoral regalia and if it goes walkabout even his mate Miss Piggy aka councillor Iain Malcolm will not be able to save his arse .. an him being a retired policeman!




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