Archive for the 'Twat of the Week' Category

21
Jul
09

mr monkey calls it a day

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can go home'

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can return home to enjoy his retirement'

It’s been nearly a year since Mr Monkey burst on to the local political scene with the redesigned version of Mr Monkey’s Blog

.. and what a year it’s been.

This chimp had no idea of the effect his blog would have on politicians of all parties and senior council officers or the impact it would have on local politcs.

Mr Monkey quickly built up a following amongst local bloggers and within weeks, Mr Monkey’s Blog established itself as South Tyneside’s premier blog, much to the annoyance of some.

There have been many highlights during the last 12 months but Mr Monkey’s favourites are:-

  • Ending councillor David Potts political career before it started by getting him deselected as the Tory candidate to fight Alistair Darling.
  • Ensuring that the people of Washington East and Houghton knew what a devious and scheming individual Ed Malcom was. This played a major part  in his failure to become their prospective member of Parliament.
  • Exposing council leader Iain Malcolm as an election fraudster.
  • Knowing that Irene Lucas, the Chief Executive of South Tyneside Council could not control, manipulate or stop Mr Monkey and that his blog was the worst thing that happened to her in her local government career.
  • Knowing that every politician feared being exposed on Mr Monkey’s Blog and despite what they said, knowing that everyone of them read it daily.
  • Exposing Ed Malcolm’s long term affair with his ‘granny’, aka councillor Punchion
  • ‘Outing’ Iain Malcolm.
  • Continually thwarting the attempts of senior council officials to stop Mr Monkey’s Blog and reveal the identity of Mr Monkey.
  • Frustrating South Tyneside’s most self opinionated blogger, the Fat Mackem Hobitt.
  • Exposing Papa John Szymanski, editor of the local Malcolm Fanzine, aka the Shields Gazette as a Labour groupie, freeloader and that he sold his soul to Labour for the price of a sausage roll.
  • Knowing that all the pseudonyms Mr Monkey has used will be around for years to come.

After achieving every goal Mr Monkey set himself - in record time - this chimp has decided to give his victims an early birthday present - Mr Monkey is going to call it a day on Thursday 30th July.

Mr Monkey has spent the last couple of months agonising over whether or not to retire and after talking it over with a few wiser chimps, he’s decided to take their advice and return to the jungle to enjoy his retirement and spend more time with his family.

Although Mr Monkey has decided to call it a day, he hasn’t yet made up his mind about whether to leave Mr Monkey’s Blog on the internet for future generations to enjoy or whether to remove it forever - that decision will be made on International Primate Day.

Make sure you stop by on Tuesday 1st September .. when all will be revealed.

31
May
09

monkey clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to councillor George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom the junk loving fuckwit from Cleadon Park.

30
May
09

twat of the week

'In love with himself - Red Rum Elsom'

'In love with himself - Red Rum Elsom'

 This week’s winner of the Twat of the Week award – by a country mile – is George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom the fuckwit with gleaming false teeth, slicked back dyed hair and a fake personality tan.

Judging by the shit in this week’s Gazette, it seems that the Real Independent councillor from Aintree Cleadon Park is still battling with junk CLICK HERE - this time it’s his mail. Mr Monkey reckons that we now know the real reason why councillor Elsom was in his wheelie bin CLICK HERE  – he was looking for a winning lottery ticket.

Now we learn that potholes are driving ‘Red Rum’ Elsom round the bend CLICK HERE

Sorry George but most peoeple already know you are as mad as a hatter and that pothole you keep talking about is your mouth.

13
May
09

tory councillor David Potts £12,000 expense claims

After yesterday’s pronouncements by the Conservative leader David Cameron concerning the dodgy expense claims of some of his colleagues i.e pay back the money or risk being booted out of the party, Mr Monkey can’t help wondering when councillor David Potts, the local Conservative group leader will join the newly formed  alliance of spineless progressives and the outcasts, who apparently want to be known as The Progressive Party and The Association on non Aligned Independent Councillors?

Regular readers of this blog will remember this post CLICK HERE

"After claiming nearly £12,000 in expenses he still can't afford a pair of sunglasses"

"After claiming nearly £12,000 in expenses he still can't afford a pair of sunglasses"

about councillor Potts record expense claim in 2005 when he claimed more than £2,251 – most of it was spent on First Class rail travel which just happened to be around the same time he claimed he was studying at Cambridge.

Mr Monkey can now reveal that councillor Potts has gone that extra mile in the last 12 months (2008 – 09) and has set another record by claiming a whooping  £3,393 in travel expenses and subsistence.

Interestingly this claim also coincides with the period that councillor Potts had been selected as the Conservative candidate to challenge Alistair Darling in Edinburgh – that is until Mr Monkey put paid to his political ambitions by revealing the sleazy alcohol fuelled antics of councillor Potts.

This chimp reckons that the people of South Tyneside unwittingly paid for his campaign jollies and will be stunned to learn that the council allowed him to get away with it.

Mr Monkey can also reveal that councillor Potts, who is allegedly in opposition has one of the worst attendance records on South Tyneside council,  but he’s still managed to claim nearly £12,000 in travel and subsistence since his election in late 2004.

This chimp reckons it’s time David Cameron turned his attention to some of his colleagues in local government, especially those who are blatantly ripping off the taxpayer with their exaggerated and probably fraudulent expense claims.

.. and Mr Monkey certainly intends to bring councillor Potts dubious expense claims to his attention.

27
Apr
09

twat of the week

'Twat of the Week .. again'

'Twat of the Week .. again'

There’s only one contender for the Twat of the Week award and that’s Papa John Szymanski, the Labour party lackey who moonlights as the editor of the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine.

According to this post CLICK HERE he did’nt take kindly to being told the truth about his unhealthy relationship with Labour council leader, Iain Malcolm, aka Miss Piggy. 

Papa John ignored his own senior management, preferring instead to seek the advice of alleged election fraudster councillor Iain Malcolm. Apparently he told him to use the council’s code of conduct to lodge a formal complaint against the author of the article.

Unfortunately Papa John didn’t think of the consequences of his actions and in his desperation to stop any criticism he’s allowed the Shields Gazette to become the biggest joke in the North East, whilst at the same time he has become a figure of ridicule within his profession.

Congratulations Mr Szymanski with poor judgement like this, you deserve the titleTwat of the Week and perhaps it’s time your other employer, Johnston Press took decisive action against you.

20
Apr
09

twat of the week

'Bargain .. if only I'd have thought of this before I'd have saved thousands on escort fees'

'Bargain .. if only I'd thought of this before I'd have saved thousands on escort fees'

Mr Monkey has been neglecting the Twat of the Week competition recently- Iain Malcolm and his ballot rigging activities have been keeping this chimp busy.

Well it’s time to resurrect this popular weekly feature and what more worthy winner of this prestigious award could there be than South Tyneside’s very own King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts. Apparently he’s desperately trying to convince the world that he’s some kind of pussy magnate that no bought woman can resist. 

Mr Monkey would like to congratulate him not wasting his money a second time on the manly female escort (pictured below). The lass he’s pictured with here came a lot cheaper – apparently the chance of a free night out with a local wanker celebrity was all it took.

Still it makes a change from working behind the bar in the Red lion.

15
Mar
09

Twit of The Week

'It's official, councillor Khan is a tweet"

'It's official, councillor Khan is a tweet"

This week’s Twat Twit of the Week award goes to Independent councillor Ahmed Khan who according to the Shields Gazette Labour Gazetteer loves nothing better than a twitter.

It seems  councillor Khan has joined the fastest growing phenomenon on the internet and becomes the first councillor in South Tyneside to be officially classed as a twat twit.

 Mr Monkey reckons it won’t be long before councillor Khan is joined by some of his colleagues – apparently being a twat twit is fashionable. But for others like the King of Sleaze, Tory councillor David Potts, it’s a chance for him to live up to his reputation and for his twat like antics to be finally recognised!

07
Mar
09

Twat of the week

'Mr Piggy' aka councillor Iain Malcolm

TWAT OF THE WEEK 'Miss Piggy' aka councillor Iain Malcolm

There can only be one winner this week following his fuckwit comments made at another Labour party council bash in the town hall.

Mr Monkey can reveal that the Labour party had another do in the town hall last Friday at the taxpayers expense and all the usual scroungers were in attendance including Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm and his lackey Mr Dumpy, aka Papa John Szymanski editor of the Gazette.

Bloggers stupid enough to waste 42p on the local snooze paper can’t have failed to have noticed that editorial control has been handed over to the local Labour party their minister of propaganda Linda Fothergill.

Mr Monkey can confirm that the takeover has finally been completed at a ceremony last Friday when Papa John sat at the top table and was given a plate of his favourite sausage rolls as a reward for all his dedication and hard work on behalf of the party.

Before formally accepting the keys to the Papa John’s office, Miss Piggy acknowledged Mr Dumpy’s achievements and praised him for his outstanding and unbiased reporting and told the assembled crowd of scroungers that it was with some regret that he had decided to change the name of the Shields Gazette to The Labour Gazetteer.

Cum on Miss Piggy if you are that desperate to feel his Papa John’s arse you should have just asked him, there was no need to lick it.

Yes you’ve guessed it – The Twat Of The Week is council leader Iain Malcolm affectionately known as Miss Piggy.

28
Feb
09

twat of the week

"TWAT OF THE WEEK"

"TWAT OF THE WEEK"

Mr Monkey should have known that finding a ‘Twat of The Week’ was always going to be difficult once this picture of David ‘Birdman’ MacLean appeared, CLICK HERE. 

What this chimp didn’t realise was that there would be so many twats worthy of the title.

Contenders for this coveted award are:

  • Karen Allen - for thinking a Tory has a chance of getting elected in South Shields.
  • John Szymanski - for handing over editorial control of the Shields Gazette to his paymaster Iain Malcolm.
  • The King of Sleaze, David Potts - for presenting the Tories budget whilst pissed.
  • ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm - for confirming what the world already knows; he’s a blithering, stuttering idiot with the intelligence of a slug.
  • The Patron Slut of Sailors, aka Audrey McMillan - who this week realised there’s no local election until 2010.
  • Wilma Waggott, aka Linda - for remembering she represets Boldon Colliery and not Bede.
  • Victor ‘is anyone home’ Thompson - for remembering what day of the week full council is held on.
  • Mr Miserable, aka Tom Defty - for confirming what everyone knew, he’s joined the Real Independents because George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom promised to pay for his Christmas cards.
  • Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask - for listening to council leader Iain Malcolm who convinced her to resign as a governor of Bamburgh School.

and the winner is .. Big Ed Malcolm.

24
Feb
09

Early contender For twat of the week

'Birdman MacLean - an early contender for Twat of The Week'

'Birdman MacLean - an early contender for Twat of The Week'

Gazette reporter David Birdman MacLean is an early contender for The Twat of The Week Award for publishing this self portrait on his new blog.

Apparently Birdman -  who is no longer the Gazette’s blue eyed boy – has turned to blogging now that he’s got a bit of time on his hands having given up reporting on the borough’s political stuff.

Mr Monkey knew he was planning his own blog as he kept dropping hints on his Twitter account and over the weekend he finally went live.

This chimp pissed himself laughing when he saw the results of Birdman’s efforts – it got to be the most boring blog ever. It even makes Curly’s blog look exciting!

If that’s the best he can do, Mr Monkey predicts that Birdman’s blog will be around just long enough to send his boss Papa John Szymanski to sleep – he certainly won’t be worried about Birdman upsetting Miss Piggy, his boss in the town hall.

If your at a loose end and want a cure for insomnia, CLICK HERE – it’s better than a sleeping pill!




Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.