Archive for September, 2008


Climb Aboard – It’s Free Love!

According to this article in today’s Gazette, former Labour councillor, Mark Walsh will be participating in Sunday’s Great North Run and intends raising money for the Mayor’s charity.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering whether Mr Walsh is the husband of newly elected Biddick Hall Labour councillor and three in a bed slapper Ann Walsh?

Ann has a reputation for enjoying free love with multiple partners, preferably at the same time. Apparently she loves nothing more than shagging two brothers at the same time, just ask your butcher?

Mr Monkey reckons that after all the action this old slapper councillor Walsh has seen it’s no wonder she squeals when she talks. Getting a good porking in every conceivable hole won’t have helped.

Can’t be much fun for Mark though, wondering what he might meet coming out of the old slapper’s love tunnel. Poor bastard has to put a coin in the toll booth every time he wants a shag and then has to pluck up the courage before entering the abyss.

Imagine being sucked into a deep dark bottomless hole never to return? No wonder he’s taken up jogging!


Potts Gets Visitors

Yesterday Mr Monkey revealed that Conservative councillor David Potts has metal health problems including clinical depression, Charisdnatphobia Syndrome and is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

It seems that many regulars can’t wait to see the loony tune loose the the plot completely are concerned about his state of mind and felt they should pay him a visit to take the piss and gloat at his fall from favour see if they could offer any moral support, however, he wasn’t anywhere to be seen and visitors had to make do with his wacky blog instead.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering whether hiding out in a darkened room with padded walls, somewhere in Birmingham!


Potts Forced To Confront His Monkey Demons

Word reaching the Mr Monkey suggests that conservative councillor, David Potts is suffering from depression and is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

It seems Mr Monkey’s revelations and campaign to get him removed as the Conservative candidate for Edinburgh South West not only succeeded but has pushed him over the edge. Apparently the lunatic is now seeking professional help from a psychiatric counsellor, yes a shrink!

Following a series of psychiatric tests Professor Apes has confirmed he is suffering from Charisdnatphobia Syndrome. Although there is no known cure for this illness, it is possible to learn to live with it.

Mr Monkey has learned that part of councillor Potts treatment is to confront his demons head on and to explore his inner emotions. He is also being encouraged to bring his problems out into the open and to share them with the world. Seems Tory Boy has heeded the advice of the professionals and is now analysing every aspect of his life and those who have an impact on it. 

Working in partnership with Professor Apes, councillor Potts has devised a way of tackling the little green things wandering round his head. His warped, twisted and perverted brain has decided to set up a blog dedicated to analysing his problems and uncovering the true identity of his nemesis and worst nightmare, Mr Monkey. CLICK HERE.

If Pudgy Face fails to respond to treatment, Professor Apes is set to refer him to a Doctor Rhesus, a specialist in Charisdnatphobia Syndrome at Edinburgh Zoo. Apparently his treatment includes forcing lunatics to confront the ‘monkey demon’ using a strict regime of physical and mental torture, a bit like the old days in a Victorian lunatic asylum.


The Brady Crunch!

Labour councillor Bill Brady, the ageing buffoon who represents Whitelees has had a week from hell.

Sources close to ‘Bumbling Bill’ are worried about his erratic behaviour and fear for his safety following two car accidents in a week. 

His first adventure involved crashing into an ambulance. If that wasn’t enough excitement he decided to cross swords with a bin wagon later in the week.

Thankfully no one was hurt in either crash but Mr Monkey wonders what it’s done to Bill’s confidence when he’s behind the wheel.

Mr Monkey reckons it’s about time he underwent a medical examination before being allowed back on the road before he causes a serious accident resulting in injury or even death.

Based on Bumbling Bill’s recent adventures his licence should be confiscated now.

Perhaps some one should remind Bill that at his age he should be playing bingo, doing jigsaws, eating scones, trying to keep his teeth in, telling stories about the good all days, controling his bladder and covering up the smell of his own piss.

What the hell was the Leader of the Council, Iain Malcolm’s thinking of when he decided to give Bumbling Bill the Equality and Diversity portfollio in his so called new look dynamic cabinet? Unless of course he needed to include a blithering old fart to enusre political correctness!

Nostalgia, poor judgement or plain old blackmail? Does Bumbling Bill have something on the Malcolms?

Councillor Brady and some of the Malcolms spent many years in the coal industry and Mr Monkey recalls several financial scandals involving the Malcolm’s, including missing welfare funds. Mr Monkey can’t help wondering how much Bumbling Bill really knows.

Whatever the real reason, Mr Monkey has been told that Iain Malcolm intends to rid his cabinet of it’s ‘liabilities’ in the run up to the 2010 local elections and it seems that councillors Brady, McAtominey and Sewell are at the top of his hit-list.


Cum Out, Cum Out, Wherever You Are

Disgraced and rejected Conservative general election candidate and South Tyneside councillor, David Potts seems to think that lying low will keep Mr Monkey off his back – nothing could be further from the truth.

While Potts is busy drinking himself into an early grave and trying to get his leg over with anything that moves, watch out Iain, Mr Monkey has been following a few interesting leads.

So be warned Pudgy Face, as soon as you raise your head Mr Monkey is waiting to pounce. Having already put paid to you national political ambitions Mr Monkey is about to do the same to what’s left of your local political career.

Sorry Tory Boy but you’re about to be well and truly fucked.


Monkey Clip

After yesterday’s piece in the Gazette CLICK HEREwhich featured Hebburn South councillor, John McCabe, Gordon Brown and Jarrow MP, Stephen Hepburn, Mr Monkey thought he would dedicate this week’s Monkey Clip to our two local celebrities. The only problem is one of them might like it a bit too much!

CLICK HERE here and enjoy.

If you missed last week’s Monkey Clip dedicated to Iain Malcolm and his female accessory Julie – he doesn’t shag the opposite sex, CLICK HERE.


CPA Inspectors Would Like To Hear From You

Over the last two weeks South Tyneside Council has been undergoing a Comprehensive Performance Assessment Inspection by a team of inspectors from the Audit Commission. 

Some of the inspectors work as ‘self employedconsultants’ for the Audit Commission (jobs for the boys) and go around the country inspecting local councils before submitting a report about their findings and recommending a star rating and something called the direction of travel.

Mr Monkey has been looking into the background of some of the inspectors and has uncovered a few interesting facts not least of which is that one of them is councillor Jon Collins, the Labour Leader of Nottingham City Council CLICK HERE and works as a consultant .. that should guarantee his impartiality and objectivity then!

Mr Monkey thought that residents of the borough might appreciate the contact details of some of the inspectors rather than wait for an invitation from the council – you’ll never get one because you can’t be trusted to keep your mouth shut.

Perhaps there’s also an officer of the council out there who would like to blow the whistle on something that has been bothering them, well now’s your chance.

You never know there might even be an odd councillor out there who might take the opportunity to have a confidential chat about what really goes on behind closed doors, assuming they’ve got the balls to do it, that should rule most of them out then!

If you’d like to get in touch with councillor Jon Collins you can e-mail him on:

Alternatively you can contact Michael Hudson, one of the other inspectors who is currently the Director of Corporate Resources at Hull City Council, he can be contacted at:

The Guildhall
Alfred Gelder Street

Tel: (01482) 300 300

Mr Monkey would like to remind anyone thinking of contacting an inspector to do so now, whilst the inspection is still live.

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