Archive for September, 2008


Climb Aboard – It’s Free Love!

According to this article in today’s Gazette, former Labour councillor, Mark Walsh will be participating in Sunday’s Great North Run and intends raising money for the Mayor’s charity.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering whether Mr Walsh is the husband of newly elected Biddick Hall Labour councillor and three in a bed slapper Ann Walsh?

Ann has a reputation for enjoying free love with multiple partners, preferably at the same time. Apparently she loves nothing more than shagging two brothers at the same time, just ask your butcher?

Mr Monkey reckons that after all the action this old slapper councillor Walsh has seen it’s no wonder she squeals when she talks. Getting a good porking in every conceivable hole won’t have helped.

Can’t be much fun for Mark though, wondering what he might meet coming out of the old slapper’s love tunnel. Poor bastard has to put a coin in the toll booth every time he wants a shag and then has to pluck up the courage before entering the abyss.

Imagine being sucked into a deep dark bottomless hole never to return? No wonder he’s taken up jogging!


Potts Gets Visitors

Yesterday Mr Monkey revealed that Conservative councillor David Potts has metal health problems including clinical depression, Charisdnatphobia Syndrome and is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

It seems that many regulars can’t wait to see the loony tune loose the the plot completely are concerned about his state of mind and felt they should pay him a visit to take the piss and gloat at his fall from favour see if they could offer any moral support, however, he wasn’t anywhere to be seen and visitors had to make do with his wacky blog instead.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering whether hiding out in a darkened room with padded walls, somewhere in Birmingham!


Potts Forced To Confront His Monkey Demons

Word reaching the Mr Monkey suggests that conservative councillor, David Potts is suffering from depression and is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

It seems Mr Monkey’s revelations and campaign to get him removed as the Conservative candidate for Edinburgh South West not only succeeded but has pushed him over the edge. Apparently the lunatic is now seeking professional help from a psychiatric counsellor, yes a shrink!

Following a series of psychiatric tests Professor Apes has confirmed he is suffering from Charisdnatphobia Syndrome. Although there is no known cure for this illness, it is possible to learn to live with it.

Mr Monkey has learned that part of councillor Potts treatment is to confront his demons head on and to explore his inner emotions. He is also being encouraged to bring his problems out into the open and to share them with the world. Seems Tory Boy has heeded the advice of the professionals and is now analysing every aspect of his life and those who have an impact on it. 

Working in partnership with Professor Apes, councillor Potts has devised a way of tackling the little green things wandering round his head. His warped, twisted and perverted brain has decided to set up a blog dedicated to analysing his problems and uncovering the true identity of his nemesis and worst nightmare, Mr Monkey. CLICK HERE.

If Pudgy Face fails to respond to treatment, Professor Apes is set to refer him to a Doctor Rhesus, a specialist in Charisdnatphobia Syndrome at Edinburgh Zoo. Apparently his treatment includes forcing lunatics to confront the ‘monkey demon’ using a strict regime of physical and mental torture, a bit like the old days in a Victorian lunatic asylum.


The Brady Crunch!

Labour councillor Bill Brady, the ageing buffoon who represents Whitelees has had a week from hell.

Sources close to ‘Bumbling Bill’ are worried about his erratic behaviour and fear for his safety following two car accidents in a week. 

His first adventure involved crashing into an ambulance. If that wasn’t enough excitement he decided to cross swords with a bin wagon later in the week.

Thankfully no one was hurt in either crash but Mr Monkey wonders what it’s done to Bill’s confidence when he’s behind the wheel.

Mr Monkey reckons it’s about time he underwent a medical examination before being allowed back on the road before he causes a serious accident resulting in injury or even death.

Based on Bumbling Bill’s recent adventures his licence should be confiscated now.

Perhaps some one should remind Bill that at his age he should be playing bingo, doing jigsaws, eating scones, trying to keep his teeth in, telling stories about the good all days, controling his bladder and covering up the smell of his own piss.

What the hell was the Leader of the Council, Iain Malcolm’s thinking of when he decided to give Bumbling Bill the Equality and Diversity portfollio in his so called new look dynamic cabinet? Unless of course he needed to include a blithering old fart to enusre political correctness!

Nostalgia, poor judgement or plain old blackmail? Does Bumbling Bill have something on the Malcolms?

Councillor Brady and some of the Malcolms spent many years in the coal industry and Mr Monkey recalls several financial scandals involving the Malcolm’s, including missing welfare funds. Mr Monkey can’t help wondering how much Bumbling Bill really knows.

Whatever the real reason, Mr Monkey has been told that Iain Malcolm intends to rid his cabinet of it’s ‘liabilities’ in the run up to the 2010 local elections and it seems that councillors Brady, McAtominey and Sewell are at the top of his hit-list.


Cum Out, Cum Out, Wherever You Are

Disgraced and rejected Conservative general election candidate and South Tyneside councillor, David Potts seems to think that lying low will keep Mr Monkey off his back – nothing could be further from the truth.

While Potts is busy drinking himself into an early grave and trying to get his leg over with anything that moves, watch out Iain, Mr Monkey has been following a few interesting leads.

So be warned Pudgy Face, as soon as you raise your head Mr Monkey is waiting to pounce. Having already put paid to you national political ambitions Mr Monkey is about to do the same to what’s left of your local political career.

Sorry Tory Boy but you’re about to be well and truly fucked.


Monkey Clip

After yesterday’s piece in the Gazette CLICK HEREwhich featured Hebburn South councillor, John McCabe, Gordon Brown and Jarrow MP, Stephen Hepburn, Mr Monkey thought he would dedicate this week’s Monkey Clip to our two local celebrities. The only problem is one of them might like it a bit too much!

CLICK HERE here and enjoy.

If you missed last week’s Monkey Clip dedicated to Iain Malcolm and his female accessory Julie – he doesn’t shag the opposite sex, CLICK HERE.


CPA Inspectors Would Like To Hear From You

Over the last two weeks South Tyneside Council has been undergoing a Comprehensive Performance Assessment Inspection by a team of inspectors from the Audit Commission. 

Some of the inspectors work as ‘self employedconsultants’ for the Audit Commission (jobs for the boys) and go around the country inspecting local councils before submitting a report about their findings and recommending a star rating and something called the direction of travel.

Mr Monkey has been looking into the background of some of the inspectors and has uncovered a few interesting facts not least of which is that one of them is councillor Jon Collins, the Labour Leader of Nottingham City Council CLICK HERE and works as a consultant .. that should guarantee his impartiality and objectivity then!

Mr Monkey thought that residents of the borough might appreciate the contact details of some of the inspectors rather than wait for an invitation from the council – you’ll never get one because you can’t be trusted to keep your mouth shut.

Perhaps there’s also an officer of the council out there who would like to blow the whistle on something that has been bothering them, well now’s your chance.

You never know there might even be an odd councillor out there who might take the opportunity to have a confidential chat about what really goes on behind closed doors, assuming they’ve got the balls to do it, that should rule most of them out then!

If you’d like to get in touch with councillor Jon Collins you can e-mail him on:

Alternatively you can contact Michael Hudson, one of the other inspectors who is currently the Director of Corporate Resources at Hull City Council, he can be contacted at:

The Guildhall
Alfred Gelder Street

Tel: (01482) 300 300

Mr Monkey would like to remind anyone thinking of contacting an inspector to do so now, whilst the inspection is still live.


Fast Forward – May 2010

A CONSERVATIVE councillor has spoken of his bitter disappointment over being dumped from a new power sharing executive to run South Tyneside Council – after Labour Councillors voted against a recommendation put forward by their leader. Instead they supported an opposition amendment to replace him with a Liberal Democrat.

Cleadon and East Boldon councillor David Potts hit out at a new Lib-Lab pact which has resulted in two of the nine top cabinet spots going to Liberal Democrats and one to the South Tyneside Progressives – leaving the Tories out in the cold.

Councillor Potts had been vice chairman and chairman of the Select Committee for Environment, Housing and Transport and Safer and Stronger Communities challenged the move to replace him with LibDem Councillor Joe Abbott when the new executive cabinet takes control of running the council later this month.

But at a special meeting of Labour councillors, who make up the largest single party on the hung council, members this week voted against the proposal put forward by their leader councillor Iain Malcolm 16-8 to hand the Jobs, Enterprise and Regeneration portfolio to Councillor Potts. 

Said Councillor Potts: “I feel horrible about it.

“It is very disappointing when the Labour leader promised me this position and then his colleagues vote against me preferring instead to make a pact with the Liberal Democrats.”

Councillor Potts said he was surprised by the size of the vote against him especially after he had been given assurances by Councillor Iain Malcolm that the meeting would rubber stamp his appointment.

“Labour councillors had offered a lot of support for me before the meeting, but for some reason changed their minds when it came to the vote.”

He said he would continue to serve as a councillor and now devote his energies to representing his constituents.

Other oppostion councillors to get a place on the cabinet are LibDem Jo Atkinson, Independent and Healthy Lives and Progressive Jim Capstick, Safer and Stronger Communities who today dismissed suggestions that the Progressives, for so long the main opposition to Labour until the rise of the Independents, had sold out.

“We have entered the executive on our terms and with the clear intention of playing our part and using our abilities for improving the borough,” he said.

“It will be run as a non-political executive, if it becomes political and we are dissatisfied with what goes on, we can, at the end of the day, leave it.”

Former Real Independent councillor, George Elsom had been earmarked as the Lead Member for Equality and Diversity until his defection to the Socialist Workers Party.

The main opposition group on the council, the Independent Alliance refused to seek places on the executive because Labour would not agree to a constitution which reflected the evenly split nature of the elected council, opting instead for an executive which left them well in charge.

Independent Alliance group leader councillor Jane Branley said: “We wouldn’t touch this executive with a barge pole.”

Think it couldn’t happen here, well think again – just take a look at the numbers!


I Believe In Miracles!

What the fuck’s going on in the Indy Alliance camp?

Mr Monkey has just read a press release on the council’s website and it appears that the three Independent Alliance councillors for Westoe, councillors Branley, Branley and Thompson are holding a ward surgery – yes that’s right a ward surgery this Saturday in the Town Hall. CLICK HERE.

Apparently they’ve  teamed up with fellow Beacon and Bents Indy councillor, Ahmed Khan and will be holding a joint ward surgery, it seems miracles do happen.

Whatever next? Former Progressive and now Indy councillor, Gordon Finch to change the habit of a lifetime and hold a surgery too – now that really would be miraculous.

Mr Monkey can’t wait to see who turns up on Saturday but wouldn’t be surprised if councillor Khan was left holding the baby!


Lick It Iain

It seems South Tyneside councillors are fond of licking arse, especially if it belongs to Gordon.

This week’s Labour Conference attracted no fewer than three of the borough’s biggest arse lickers in the shape of councillors Iain Malcolm, John McCabe and Ernest Gibson and Mr Monkey wonders why nearly 10% of the borough’s Labour councillors felt the need to be in Manchester.

Maybe it had something to do with the freebies on offer or perhaps it was some kind of morbid fascination to see if our own illustrious MP, David Miliband finally managed to stick the knife into Gordon’s back.

Then again, Iain Malcolm was probably hedging his bets by making sure he was present if his most hated advisory and the person who ousted him as the town’s Parliamentary candidate, managed to wrestle the leadership from Gordon – he couldn’t risk being left out in the cold once again!

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