Archive for December, 2008


REVIEW OF 2008: Mr Monkey Scoops Gazette Again

Mr Monkey has regularly scooped the Shields Gazette and has brought you news stories that you want to read about before the lazy bastards at the Gazette. It seems that many of you are desperate for real local news and not the shit churned out by the council and the local Labour party that the Gazette favours.

This probably explains why circulation of the local snooze-paper is falling almost on a monthly basis and why many of you are turning to local blogs for the truth behind the spin.

This post is was just another example of Mr Monkey catching Papa John Szymanski with his pants down and his mouth full of sausage rolls.


The Gazette has been scooped by Mr Monkey again!

Whilst the Gazette’s reporters were out on the lash overnight researching future stories Mr Monkey was working overtime to bring readers local news before anyone else and because of this chimps dedicated work Mr Monkeys Blog features two more exclusive news stories, click here and here for details.

The speed and flexibility of local blogs makes you wonder whether there’s any need for a local newspaper snooze-paper unless of course you’re fascinated by Births, Deaths and Marriage Notices!


REVIEW OF 2008: Mr Monkey Considers Appointing A Lobbying Company But Changes His Mind When CEO of Local Company Draws Attention To Blog!

This post appeared after yet another attempt to ban access to Mr Monkey’s Blog by council leader and Chief Executive of Sovereign Strategy Iain Malcolm.

The Labour Leader of the South Tyneside Council and the self appointed censor of free speech, Councillor Iain Malcolm, seems to have changed his mind again when it comes to what council employees and elected members are allowed to read without his approval.

A source close to the leadership has revealed that Iain Malcolm is becoming increasingly frustrated at the fact that he has no control over local blogs particularly Mr Monkey’s Blog.

Although he has little time for bloggers, he has once gain unblocked Curly’s Corner Shop. He seems to thing he can control it’s content.

Despite forcing the council’s IT department to block access to Mr Monkey’s Blog from council owned computers he’s been unable to stop bloggers accessing the site from council Blackberry devices or from their own computers – the stats prove this.

Mr Monkey reckons that for someone who likes to think he is media savvy and whose profession involves manipulationof the facts, Iain Malcolm would have learned that when you ban something you only increase it’s popularity as everyone wants to see why it was banned in the first place.

Mr Monkey reckons if he’d appointed Malcolm’s lobbying company Sovereign Strategy to act on his behalf they would have charged him thousands for this piece of advise and public exposure his actions have resulted in.

Instead Malcolm’s increasing frustration has resulted in Mr Monkey getting a freebie, although Mr Monkey reckons Alan Donnelly won’t be too happy about it. Cheers Iain I’m just grateful it wasn’t a quickie!


Twat of The Year

Accident ... George Elsom.

'Twat of the Year'

Only someone with the political nous of slug would think that falling out of wheelie bin and cracking your collar bone would make you an environmentalist – unless your name is George Elsom.

Having just read this CLICK HERE this chimp hasn’t stopped laughing at the antics of councillor Elsom. He’s just publicly confirmed what most people already know; he’s a fucking crackpot!

And there’s Mr Monkey thinking that all the fuckwits are hiding the Green Party.

What next George, councillor Haram to turn vegan?


Wannabe Labour MP For Houghton and Washington East, Ed Malcolm and The Ryhope Pigeon Crees.

Senior South Tyneside councillor Ed Malcolm, the brother of council leader Iain Malcolm seems to think he’s got the Labour nomination for the Parliamentary constituency of Houghton and Washington East all sewn up – the seat is traditionally classed as a safe Labour one and will be vacated at the next election by sitting Labour MP, Fraser Kemp.

Sorry Ed  but that might have been the case until Mr Monkey came along.

This chimp has been busy over the festive period and will shortly be uploading a post that will ruffle a few feathers in the racing pigeon fraternity – especially in Ryhope.

What Mr Monkey is about to reveal will certainly turn heads, cause anger amongst pigeon fanciers, be the talk of the pubs and clubs and is almost certain to put an end to any chance you may have had of securing the nomination for your brother self.

Mr Monkey has already ended the Parliamentary ambitions of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts and you are about to become the join him on the political scrap heap – courtesy of Mr Monkey of course.

Bloggers are advised to keep a close eye on Mr Monkey’s Blog as all is about to be revealed.

Mr Monkey knows you’ve problems controlling your temper Ed, but please don’t take your anger out on Olive, her fanny can’t take it any more

Happy New Year Ed!


Did You Get A Monkey Card?

Remember the electronic Christmas card uploaded by Mr Monkey? CLICK HERE.

It seems that some people have started receiving their own personalised version and are not too happy about it – come on you miserable bastards where’s your festive spirit?

Mr Monkey promised to send out 100 limited edition cards to a select band of people but changed his mind and increased the quantity to 250.

People who’ve received them include:

Local councillors
Executive council officers across the Tyne and Wear region
Council leaders in Tyne and Wear
Local journalists
Editors of newspapers in Tyne and Wear and County Durham
The Board of Johnston Press
Editors of newspapers owned by Johnston press
Captain’s of industry and local business leaders
A select number of people considered by Mr Monkey to have influence in political, community, media and business circles
… and every Working Mens Club, pub and Social Club in Houghton Le Spring, Hetton Le Hole and Easington Lane.

But don’t worry if you haven’t received yours yet – there’s more on the way!


EXCLUSIVE: Journalists Plan Three Days of Industrial Action

EXCLUSIVE: Mr Monkey can reveal workers at Newsquest North East based in Darlington are angry about job cuts and a pay freeze and have voted for industrial action in a secret ballot.

They now plan to hold mandatory union meetings at noon on Monday 5 January, Tuesday 6 January, and Wednesday 7 January.

On 5 January journalists at the Newsquest centre in York – fifty miles down the road – will receive the results of their ballots for industrial action over similar issues.

Jenny Lennox, Assistant Organiser for the North of England said:

“The Newsquest chapels in the North East had both been offered pay rises during negotiations before the company snatched them away and imposed a pay freeze.

“At both centres there have been big job cuts and the heart has been ripped out of papers that played a significant part in the distinctive cultural life of the region – and helped to hold the communities together.

“Our New Year’s message is that members are determined to stand up for each other and to stand up for journalism.”

The Darlington Newsquest centre publishes the daily Northern Echo, the Darlington and Stockton Times, the Durham Times and the Advertiser series of free papers – employing around 100 editorial staff.

Mr Monkey reckons that if the financial problems at the Gazette’s parent company, plummeting advertising revenues and falling circulation figures continue, staff at Chapter Row may be forced in to taking similar action to protect their jobs.

So if it’s about cost cutting, perhaps it’s time to carry out a job evaluation – what better place to start than with the editor because he seems to spend most of his time hiding up Malcolm’s arse.


REVIEW OF 2008: Time To Go Potts

This post appeared the day after The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy councillor David Potts decided not to support a joint unified opposition move to stop former Labour council leader Paul Waggott being awarded Freedom of the Borough after he lost his seat at May’s local elections.

Councillor Potts and his two Tory colleagues actions were solely responsible for this disgraceful show of cronyism.


After the dust has settled on yesterday’s disgraceful Tory antics which resulted in the local Conservatives being solely responsible for former defeated Labour Leader Paul Waggott gaining Freedom of the Borough, The Monkey wonders whether how cheaply easily Tory Boy Potts was bought persuaded by Iain Malcolm’s sweet talking tongue?

Based on Councillor Potts previous track record it would seem that his principles don’t cost much. An odd first class rail ticket, a freebie conference or a menial paid position will usually be enough to buy Tory Boy’s unflinching loyalty.

The Monkey wonders what the other two Tory Councillors, Milburn and Wood, are feeling like this morning. The Monkey suspects that they are downbeat, ashamed and angry to learn that they were conned by their so called leader David Potts in supporting Labour against their will.

The Monkey reckons that Councillors Milburn and Wood are basically decent honourable and principled individuals, unfortunately the same cannot be said of their so called leader. The Monkey suspects that yesterday’s shameful act of Labour arse licking will prove the end of Pottsies national political ambitions.

The Monkey predicts that even at a local level Tory Boy’s days in the limelight are numbered. Perhaps it’s time for a Leadership challenge and The Monkey cannot think of a better candidate than Councillor Milburn who was obviously distressed and embarrassed by yesterday’s antics, at least he is a man of honour, integrity, decency and principle.

'Pottsie political career is in deep shit'

'Pottsie political career is in deep shit'


Congratulations Mr Szymanski

This chimp would like to congratulate the editor of the Malcolm Fanzine Shields Gazette for playing catch up with Mr Monkey’s Blog by belatedly publishing this story CLICK HERE. Given the editor’s poor reaction time it’s no wonder local people have nicknamed the Gazette, the snooze-paper.


EXCLUSIVE: Mr Monkey Catches The Gazette Napping Again!

EXCLUSIVE: Whilst Malcolm Fanzine Gazette Editor John Szymanski was busy regurgitating old news and doing the local Labour party’s Iain Malcolm’s and the council’s bidding, it is left to local bloggers like Mr Monkey to bring you the real news.

Readers will have noticed that yesterday’s Malcolm Fanzine Gazette was especially Malcolm friendly with posts like thisthis and this.

Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that whilst Papa John Szymanski was  busy deciding which part of Malcolm’s arse to lick next, this chimp was busy following up a lead about two burglaries at Whitburn Cricket Club on East St in Whitburn.

The first incident happened on Tuesday 23rd of December between 11pm – 11.10pm when the offender forced entry into the premises. Nothing was stolen but a door was damaged in the incident.

The second incident happened between 3.30am – 5am on Wednesday 24th December when an intruder again forced entry in to the premises and left with a quantity of alcohol and cash.

Anyone with any information is asked to contact the Police on 03456 043043 extension 65046

Peter Sutton, the Neighbourhood Inspector for the area said;

” the neighbourhood policing team for Whitburn will be paying extra attention to the area and will be offering crime prevention advice and discusing general security to prevent people becoming the victims of burglary and we will do everything in our power to apprehend those responsible.”

Enquires are continuing .. but not at the Gazette!


REVIEW 2008: Gazette Editor Plays Catch Up Again.

Mr Monkey has become increasingly concerned at the growing and unhealthy influence councillor Iain Malcolm has at the Shields Gazette. He’s especially concerned at how easily the editor of the Gazette has allowed himself and the paper to be manipulated by the new council leader and how he’s allowed the council’s press office to dictate what does and doesn’t appear in the paper – so much for journalistic integrity. 

Mr Monkey reckons Papa John’s antics are verging on bringing the Shields Gazette into disrepute and it’s about time his fellow journalists, shareholders and senior management at Johnston Press found out what’s really going on at Britain’s oldest provincial newspaper.

This post is part of a series that aims to do just that.

Good morning Papa John!

Yet again the Malcolm Fanzine Shields Gazette has been left trying to catch Mr Monkey’s tail.

Yesterday Mr Monkey exclusively reported on a robbery at a Jarrow Bookmakers. Mr Monkey can now reveal that Papa John Szymanski has finally woken up and the Gazette has belatedly published the the ‘news’ 12 hours after Mr Monkey first broke it!

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