Archive for the 'America' Category

05
Feb
09

Miliband Kisses Arse Stateside

"Have you heard of Colmans?"

"Have you heard of Colmans?"

South Shields MP and Foreign Secretary David Miliband is feeling smug after President Obama’s administration gave him a special treat earlier this week – he was allowed to kiss his counterpart’s Hillary Clinton’s arse before anyone else.

Apparently our special relationship with the USA is set to continue for a little while longer after Miliband’s gesture of obedience.

During their meeting Mr Miliband did his best to promote South Shields Colmans by talking about fish and chips, but as usual he put his foot in it by relying heavily on his researchers information.

Mr Monkey can reveal Hillary loves nothing better than an an olive burger which she first discovered in her college days. In 2003 the inventor renamed it the Hillary Burger after she paid a visit to her favourite Greek coffee shop.

Mr Miliband also showed Hillary a few snaps of South Tyneside’s premier shopping area, King Street and pointed out all the shops he visits regularly that are shut and invited her to join him on one of his many shopping trips to the ‘street’.

She politely declined saying Bill prefers Macy’s to Ethel Austin but she did’nt rule out a trip to Colmans.

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21
Jan
09

Another Milestone

'Another Milestone'

'Another Milestone'

Mr Monkey’s Blog reached another milestone yesterday when the total number of views passed the 100,000 mark. It’s taken less than 6 months to reach this landmark and Mr Monkey is proud of his achievements.

Whilst other bloggers talk about how popular they are, this chimp has seen off the competition – such as it was – and established Mr Monkey’s Blog as the Premier Blog in South Tyneside.

Mr Monkey reckons there might be one or two people feeling a bit like George W Bush today suffering from HUW Syndrome – hopeless, useless and worthless.

19
Jan
09

The Week Ahead

The week ahead will go down in history as one of the momentous of our time

It’s the week when: 

George W Bush is consigned to the history books and will be remembered as the worst US President ever
Barack Obama becomes the first African American President of America
Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown saddles future generations with yet more debt
Kaka joins Manchester City and becomes the first £100 million pound footballer
Mr Monkey’s Blog reaches the 100,000 hits milestone in record time
The long awaited list of ‘Monkey Suspects’ is published
Graham Glitter aka Curly has an ape free day and doesn’t post or comment about the borough’s premier blogger Mr Monkey
The Fat Mackem Hobbit admits he’s obssesed with all things ape and that he’ll do anything to feed off Mr Monkey’s success
and David Miliband spends a day in his constituency; watch out for him on Ocean Road.

03
Jan
09

Anne and Ed – Just Good Friends

'Just Good Friends'

'Anne and Ed - just good friends'

Seems the old dinosaur, councillor Olive Punchion faces a bit of competition for councillor Ed Malcolm’s affections.
 
Ever since he was 21 he’s had a fetish for older women, but after his recent holiday with Olive in America it seems that there’s old and there’s fucking ancient.
 
Ed is increasingly embarrassed by Olive and reckons that there’s more chance of Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask giving up the vodka than there is of Olive being accepted by the old miners of Houghton, Hetton and Shiney Row. And of course this wannabe MP for Houghton and Washington East can’t risk the sleaze surrounding his 30 year relationship with a married woman to surface during an election campaign.
 
Too late Ed, Mr Monkey has already sent details of your sleazy love life to senior party officials at Millbank House.
 
Ed also finds Olive a bit of a turn off – even the Viagra does fuck all. Hardly surprising when you consider Olive his approachinh her twilight years and is more interested in getting a good night’s sleep, putting on the anti wrinkle cream and pickling her teeth than sucking on Ed’s dick toes.
 
Ed’s also shitting himself that he might have to make an honest woman out of Olive now that she’s free to marry.
 
Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that Olive is on the verge of being dumped as councillor Ed Malcolm may have found love companionship elsewhere. This may explain why he’s spending less time in South Shields and more time in Shiney Row (Houghton Le Spring).
 
Apparently the new love of his life his new friend is Labour councillor Anne Hall who by chance happens to represent Shiney Row, a ward in the heart of the constituency Ed Malcolm hopes to represent; assumming he secures the Parliamentary nomination ahead of his rivals.
 
Ed is spending more and more of his free time with Anne and Mr Monkey can confirm that Ed is wooing Anne by wining and dining her at intimate and romantic venues – this chimp recently saw the happy couple in a restuarnt and they only had eyes for each other.
 
Mr Monkey urges Anne to be cautious in her dealings with Ed as he’s probably using her to secure the nomination and then she’ll go the way of Olive and will be left feeling used and abused.
 
If bloggers would like to know more about Ed’s new friend CLICK HERE.



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