Archive for the 'Billy Malcom' Category


‘Big’ Ed Malcolm and His Kilt

South Tyneside’s answer to The Chuckle Brothers, councillors Iain and Ed Malcolm seem obsessed with re-discovering their Scottish roots.

In September Mr Monkey revealed that council leader Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm was partial to a bit of weekend cottaging after he bought a hideaway in Hawick in the Scottish Borders. CLICK HERE.

Not to be out done by his brother, ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm the wannabee MP for Houghton and Washington East decided to get in on the act and recently bought himself a kilt – not just in any tartan but a Clan Malcolm tartan.

When word reached the members lounge his collegaues pissed themselves laughing especially at the thought of ‘Big’ Ed in a kilt with his deformed size 3 feet stuck on the end of his short bandy legs. One senior Labour councillor who likes a wee dram reckons Ed is determined to beat Red Rumcouncillor George Elsom to the title of Twat of the Year.

But Mr Monkey reckons Ed’s purchase had more to do with winning a few extra votes in the old County Durham pit villages of the Houghton and Washington East Parliamentary constituency than his desire to rekindle his Scottish roots.

It seems this gesture could be is a last ditched attempt to persuade former miners and their families – many of whom have Scottish roots – to vote for him in the upcoming selection ballot.


REVIEW OF 2008: Maggot, Waggott and Faggot

Many readers will remember the A and B teams of the local Labour party. 

There was the Jarrow lot led by Stephen Hepburn and Paul Waggot and then there was the Shields gang led by the old guard but behind the scenes there was the scheming and conniving Malcolm’s led by the fairy God-mother of all crooks, councillor Iain Malcolm, aka Miss Piggy.

This post concerns some of the names given to the opposition his Labour colleagues by councillor Iain Malcolm, apparently he had a derogatory name for just about everyone including his own mother and brother.

Maggot, Waggott and Faggot ..

Apparently the current Monkey Puzzle has been the talk of the members lounge with councillors desperate to learn the real identities of Councillors Maggot, Waggott and Faggot. Well Mr Monkey can reveal all.

Maggot– this title was given to Councillor Linda Waggott as she has a liking for other peoples flesh.

Waggott – everyone must have got this one! If you haven’t where the hell have you been?

Faggot– most of you thought this was Councillor Iain Malcolm, unfortunately you’re way off the the mark. This honorary title goes to former Labour Councillor and now Member of Parliament for Jarrow, Stephen Hepburn.

What most of you won’t realise is that the phrase Maggot, Waggott and Faggot was coined by the current Leader of the Council, Iain Malcolm shortly after his lover’s tiff with Stephen Hepburn and his fallout with the Waggotts.


Vote For Me: I’m A Miner

Labour councillor Ed Malcolm seems to think that his ticket to Westminster will be secured on the back of his “I used to be a miner” line. Apparently he reckons that this makes him the best person to succeed Fraser Kemp, the outgoing MP for Houghton and Washington East.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering how many redundant and retired miners recall watching some of their colleagues doing everything possible to avoid a day on the face? There was no one better than Ed Malcolm at avoiding getting his hands dirty, he would volunteer for anything as long as it kept him out of the pit.

He now wants everyone to believe he was a miner, the last of a dying breed and that qualifies him to represent a once thriving mining area. Yet he’s left out the bit about how he spent more time in a suit than a boilersuit, in brogues than in pit boots and in the bar than the shower room.

There’s no mention of how he spent years having an affair with a married woman and shagging anything else that would have him. He fails to mention how the Malcolm clan did everything it could to grab positions of power. Lying, scheming, cheating, manipulating stabbing people in the back and helping themselvesto what ever they wanted was a way for most of the Malcolms.

Ed might make a good MP if he takes after his dad, Billy who had a knack of being in two places at once. At least he did when councillors got paid by the number of meetings they attended.

Ed’s uncle thought every-ones money was his money and spent it as if it was. Hard earned club funds went missing, club bills went unpaid but his uncle never did without. He doesn’t mention that his uncle’s habitat of helping himself to other peoples money led to a prison term. He doesn’t tell us how he is reputed to have been close to his uncle and took a leaf out of his book by helping himself to cash from the miners welfare fund and how it was all covered up to protect the Malcolm name.

There’s no mention that he was kicked out of the Labour party for two years and that many people reckon it was his own brotherthat shopped him in a fit of jealousy. Mr Monkey wonders what brother Iain will do if Ed makes it to Westminster before him?

Mr Monkey reckons that if the good folk of Houghton and Washington East are daft enough to be taken in by Ed Malcolm then they’d better make sure that they lock their doors and windows to protect their valuables epsecially their wives, daughters, girlfriends, mams, aunties and given his taste in older women, their grannies.

You might not tell the people what they’re letting themselves in for Ed, but Mr Monkey will.