Archive for the 'Birdman Maclean' Category

28
Feb
09

twat of the week

"TWAT OF THE WEEK"

"TWAT OF THE WEEK"

Mr Monkey should have known that finding a ‘Twat of The Week’ was always going to be difficult once this picture of David ‘Birdman’ MacLean appeared, CLICK HERE. 

What this chimp didn’t realise was that there would be so many twats worthy of the title.

Contenders for this coveted award are:

  • Karen Allen – for thinking a Tory has a chance of getting elected in South Shields.
  • John Szymanski – for handing over editorial control of the Shields Gazette to his paymaster Iain Malcolm.
  • The King of Sleaze, David Potts – for presenting the Tories budget whilst pissed.
  • ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm – for confirming what the world already knows; he’s a blithering, stuttering idiot with the intelligence of a slug.
  • The Patron Slut of Sailors, aka Audrey McMillan – who this week realised there’s no local election until 2010.
  • Wilma Waggott, aka Linda – for remembering she represets Boldon Colliery and not Bede.
  • Victor ‘is anyone home’ Thompson – for remembering what day of the week full council is held on.
  • Mr Miserable, aka Tom Defty – for confirming what everyone knew, he’s joined the Real Independents because George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom promised to pay for his Christmas cards.
  • Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask – for listening to council leader Iain Malcolm who convinced her to resign as a governor of Bamburgh School.

and the winner is .. Big Ed Malcolm.

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24
Feb
09

Early contender For twat of the week

'Birdman MacLean - an early contender for Twat of The Week'

'Birdman MacLean - an early contender for Twat of The Week'

Gazette reporter David Birdman MacLean is an early contender for The Twat of The Week Award for publishing this self portrait on his new blog.

Apparently Birdman –  who is no longer the Gazette’s blue eyed boy – has turned to blogging now that he’s got a bit of time on his hands having given up reporting on the borough’s political stuff.

Mr Monkey knew he was planning his own blog as he kept dropping hints on his Twitter account and over the weekend he finally went live.

This chimp pissed himself laughing when he saw the results of Birdman’s efforts – it got to be the most boring blog ever. It even makes Curly’s blog look exciting!

If that’s the best he can do, Mr Monkey predicts that Birdman’s blog will be around just long enough to send his boss Papa John Szymanski to sleep – he certainly won’t be worried about Birdman upsetting Miss Piggy, his boss in the town hall.

If your at a loose end and want a cure for insomnia, CLICK HERE – it’s better than a sleeping pill!

23
Feb
09

What are the 4 musketeers plotting?

What are they plotting?

What are they plotting?

Last Tuesday Mr Monkey saw South Tyneside’s very own 4 musketeers in a local watering hole and judging by their body language they were plotting something.

The Whiteleas Sex Machine, councilor Ernest ‘Shrek’ Gibson, David ‘Birdman’ MacLean, Scott Duffy, aka Penfold and Indy councillor John Hodgson, aka the Phantom were huddled together in deep conversation. They were very self conscious of  who or what might be listening , especially Birdman MacLean whose eyes were everywhere.

Mr Monkey overheard snippets of their conversation and it seems they’re planning to suprise someone.

This chimp reckons that this strange alliance of misfits may not go down too well in certain quarters but he hopes he’s around when they do spring their surprise on this unsuspecting individual.

18
Nov
08

Must Try Harder When It Comes To Attendances

Seems another local blogger has stolen a march on the Gazette Malcolm Fanzine when it comes to councillors attendance records.

A year ago the Northern Herald CLICK HERE ran a Private Eye style report on the attendance record of councillors for the previous 12 months and it makes interesting reading.

The Northern Herald report covered all committees attendances over a 12 month period and provides bloggers with an accurate picture of attendance levels. This appraoch accuratley reflects the commitment shown by each councillor to attending meetings on a week by week basis and not just a select few that they are ‘forced’ to attend because the leader (Miss Piggy) and party whips said so.

It seems that when you do the maths over 12 months a very different picture emerges to the one that is portrayed in Birdman Maclean’s e-mail, CLICK HERE.

LICENSING COMMITTEE. LESSONS UP TO 19 OCTOBER 2007
No register taken before 18 October 2007. However, on the 19th the following members were absent without sick notes; Atkinson, Dix, Gibson, Hanson, Hickman, Lewell, McMillan, Perry, Punchion, Strike and Thompson. Present were Lewis, Meeks and Potts (?) On the 18th the school didn’t have enough members present to form a team., so they had to come back the day after.

HUMAN RESOURCES. LESSONS UP TO 24 OCTOBER 2007
Robinson, Punchion, McMillan, Hetherington and Boyack all receive a gold star for full attendance ( 4 att out of 4). Silver stars to Foreman (3 att out of 4) and Atkinson (2 att out of 4). A bronze award to McAtominey and Branley (1 att out 0f 4) while Bell. J. is suspended for not bothering to come to school ( 0 att out of 4).

CABINET. LESSONS UP TO 17 OCTOBER 2007
Full marks to Sewell and Woods for never missing the school bus (12 att out of 12). What was the matter boys, frightened in case the other boys talked about you? Well done Henderson (11 att out of 12); get to the bus stop earlier and you could be like the rest. The other members in the class managed the following; McAtominey and Waggot (Head Boy) managed to get to school 10 out of 12 times, followed closely by Foreman and Brady with 9 attout of 12. Malcolm in the Middle with 8 out of 12, watch those pizzas’s boy! Last again Bell, with 7 out of 12 attendances. Much more of this and it’s the heads office for you girl!

APPEALS COMMITTEE. LESSONS UP TO 5 OCTOBER 2007
Nolan, Potts, Boyack, Brady, McAtominey and Wood will receive lines and the cane for failing to turn up on 6 out of 6 occasions. Potts, the schools particularly disappointed with you as you should know better, you were warned last year. Litter duty goes to McKie and Meeks (1 att out of 6) with Hanson (2 att out of six) holding the black bin liner. Gibson (4 att out of 6) Hickman and Lewis (5 att out of 6) extra custard.

NEIGHBOURHOOD SERVICES SCRUTINY COMMITTEE. LESSONS UP TO 23 OCTOBER 2007
Top of the class awards to Hetherington, Maxwell, Meeks and Nolan (5 att out of 5), followed by Waddle, Anglin, Lewis and Scorer (4 att out 5). Atkinson and Perry (3 att out of 5) and Boyack (2 attout of 5) stop hanging around the playground with Haram and Strike, their bad influences on you (1 att out of 5).

GENERAL PURPOSE COMMITTEE. LESSONS UP TO 27 SEPTEMBER 2007
I have had to ask the school governors what these lessons actually involve. Elsom, McAtominey, McKie and Milburn (0 att out 2) its pointless asking you what went on. Defty, Hetherington and waddle (1 att out of 2) consider new lessons and Brady, Bell, Clare, Foreman, Hanson, Malcolm, Sewell and Waggot (2 att out of 2) for Gods sake get yourselves a hobby!

CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE SCRUTINY COMMITTEE. LESSONS UP TO 17 JULY 2007
Branley, Dixon, Kidd and McMillan – act your age(0 att out of 2). McKie, Punchion and Stewart, behave (1 att out of 2). Donaldson, Kerr, McCabe, Robinson and Wood (Scottish lad) well done (2 att out of 2).

AUDIT COMMITTEE. LESSONS UP TO 26 JUNE 2007
Anglin, Pigott, Wood. J. and Davidson, extra privileges (2 att out of 2). Branley, shoe shining duty (0 att out of 2).

OVERVIEW AND SCRUTINY AND CALL IN COMMITTEE. LESSONS UP TO 9 OCTOBER 2007
Abbott, Capstick (4 att out of 4) Defty, Meeks, Maxwell and Perry (3 att out 4) – the schools very proud of you. Donaldson and McCabe (2 att out 4) Dix, Elsom and Potts – why bother (1 att out 4). Malcolm. E. and Scorer, you’re a disruptive influence on the rest of the class (0 att out 4).

REGULATORY AND RESOURCES SCRUTINY COMMITTEE. LESSONS UP TO 11 SEPTEMBER 2007
Pigott, Malcolm, Nolan and Dix (3 att out of 3) extra milk. Anglin, Leask, Robinson and Wood. D., semi skimmed (2 att out of 3). Branley, Lewis and Spraggon (1 att out of 3) and Gibson (0 att out of 3) red top for you watery eyed fops!

FULL COUNCIL. LESSONS UP TO 25 OCTOBER 2007
And finally – the big boy and girls school. With severe over crowding in this class, if your names are not mentioned, it’s the school badge for you. Well done! However, toilet duty to the following; Branley, McMillan and Haram (2 att out of 5). Defty, Harrison, Lewell, Maxwell and Potts, library duty all week (3 att out of 5).

15
Nov
08

UPDATE: Is The Gazette About To Be Reported To The Press Complaints Commission?

UPDATE: Since Birdman Maclean sent his infamous attendance e-mail to all 54 councillors there’s been a flurry of activity amongst senior councillors, party whips and party leaders.

All councillors have been told to attend Thursday’s Full Council meeting and that no excuses will be accepted. If they fail to turn up certain councillors will face disciplinary action and possible de-selection.

Amazing what an e-mail can do!

Seems yesterday’s post about an investigation into councillors attendances has caused quite a stir within the town hall; it was the talk of the members lounge.

Apparently some members are wondering what the fuck the Gazette is playing at especially as the now infamous e-mail listing councillors attendances was sent by Birdman Maclean.

Some members are suggesting that Papa John Szymanski is being pressured into publishing councillor’s attendances by the Leader of the Council Miss Piggy Iain Malcolm to prove his loyalty .. could it be pay back time for all those sausage rolls and chickens drumsticks? 

It seems Papa John has once again allowed himself to be manipulated by his paymaster or is he just doing some one else’s dirty work?

Mr Monkey reckons that whoever’s behind this has been very selective and has clearly got a hidden agenda.

Careful examination of the attendances shows that the person with the worst attendance record is Alan Branley (no surprise there) so is councillor Branley the target of Papa John and his paymaster? It will be interesting to see how the article is presented when it does finally appear.

Mr Monkey wonders whether Birdman’s article will be about the handful of councillors with the worst attendance record or will it be more about councillor Branley – a bit like the recent story about councillor Hanson’s failure to attend any NHS Trust meetings. 

If so it will prove Mr Monkey’s theory that Papa John has deliberately allowed his paper to be used for political purposes, something that could cost him dear.

If Mr Monkey’s predictions are right then perhaps the Press Complaints Commission should be asked to look into what’s really going on at the Gazette and Mr Monkey might just make that call!

14
Nov
08

BLOG EXCLUSIVE: Gazette Investigation Leaked To Mr Monkey!

Mr Monkey can reveal the Shields Gazette is planning a major article on councillors attendances in the coming days.

A willing councillor accomplice has forwarded Mr Monkey an email (copied below) fired off to every councillor by David ‘Birdman’ Maclean.

He’s listed the attendances of each member for each full council meeting and CAF meeting since this year’s election.

Lowest on the list is Allen Branley with an abysmal one meeting attendance out of eight.

Second is the Tory Boy King of Sleaze David Potts and John McKie with just four meetings attended.

They’re followed by Steve Harrison, Jane Branley, and even council cabinet member Michael Clare!

Leader of the Council Miss Piggy, aka councillor Iain Malcolm has got the worst attendance record out of the 3 Horsley Hill councillors.

These figures just go to show that most councillors are all too happy to fill their pockets with public money while not carrying out their duties.

Mr Monkey wonders why Sleazeball Potts can make an appearance in the Red Lion every night, but can seemingly only turn up at his meetings every once in a while!

Meanwhile Allen Branley may be a big hitter on the local business scene, but it gives him no excuse for ignoring his public duty to turn up to council meetings.

Incidentally, the fact that Mr Monkey has a copy of this email also shows that Birdman – who makes a living from council leaks – has finally been caught out by a leak himself!

EMAIL

(CC: All councillors)
 
Dear councillors,

We’re putting together an article on attendances since May’s election.
 
As only some of you are on committees, we’re only using attendance figures from the borough council meetings and your individual CAFs.
Due to the frequency of some CAF meetings, some councillors have been eligible for 12 meetings, while others 10, 9 or 8.
 
Below are the figures I have for meetings attended since May 1 this year. These are based on attendance figures on South Tyneside Council’s website.
If you would like to comment on your own attendance record, or the record of any other elected member, then please email me at the earliest opportunity. I’m putting something together in time for next week’s newspaper.

Of 12 possible meetings attended:
Dix 12
Leask 12
Capstick 8
Donaldson 9
Elsom 9
Finch 12
Foreman 9
Malcolm, Iain 10
Nolan 10

Of 10 possible meetings attended:
Bell 7
Strike 9
Spraggon 10
Boyack 7
Dixon 7
Milburn 8
Potts 4
Waggott 10
Wood 9

Of 9 possible meetings attended:
Lewell 9
Perry 8
Defty 7
Hanson 9
Harrison 5
Scorer 9
Stewart 9
Waddle 6
White 8
Brady 9
Gibson 9
Haram 9
Pigott 9
Walsh 8
Punchion 9

Of 8 possible meetings attended:
Thompson 7
Anglin 7
Hetherington 8
Alan Branley 1
Jane Branley 5
Clare 5
Hickman 7
Khan 8
Malcolm, Ed 7
McMillan 7
Meeks 7
Robinson 7
McCabe 6
Maxwell 8
Abbott 8
Atkinson 7
Hodgson 6
Kerr 7
McAtominey 8
McKie 4
Sewell 8

05
Nov
08

Papa John Plays A Blinder!

Apparently Papa John Szyamanski, editor of the Gazette Malcolm Fanzine has pushed the boat out and has sent one of his staff to America to report on the US Presidential elections. CLICK HERE.

Word in the members room is that Papa John’s star reporter, David ‘Birdman’ Maclean was secretly dispatched to America last week to exclusively report on what Papa John rightly predicted would be a defining moment in history. Papa John’s goal was to leave the opposition in the shade when it came to reporting on this momentous occasion. It seems Papa John has played a blinder this time.

Mr Monkey reckons The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy Potts is seething at the thought of missing out on a free trip to the States. Until his demise he was conning planning a trip to America on the pretext of campaigning with the Republican party .. what a waste of time that would have been!




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