Archive for the 'Celebration' Category


flash @ your expense

Seems the Gazette Labour Gazetteer is once again hiding the truth from it’s dwindling readership. Either that or new owner Miss Piggy, aka council leader Iain Malcolm has put his foot down.

According to this article CLICK HERE the Mayor, councillor Alex Donaldson, officially switched on the Flash @ Hebburn art installation - costing £150,000 - on Saturday night.

But Mr Monkey has learned that a select group of councillors and officers had a private viewing much earlier, yet there was no mention of this in the article. Surely these scroungers haven’t developed a conscounce have they?

The council’s junket held earlier in the week, allowed a select few to enjoy a private viewing of the Flash @ Hebburn from the river without the risk of getting cold, wet, muddy or having to mix with local people who may have questioned them about wasting £150,000 on a dozen lights on 8 metre high columns programmed to flash at people walking along the river, especially when the council has just approved an increase in care charges for the elderly and the cost of their meals.

Mr Monkey can now reveal that this exclusive trip was paid for from the public purse and included the cost of chartering the ferry, food, drinks and taxis to take the ‘leeches’ home.


Twat of the week

'Mr Piggy' aka councillor Iain Malcolm

TWAT OF THE WEEK 'Miss Piggy' aka councillor Iain Malcolm

There can only be one winner this week following his fuckwit comments made at another Labour party council bash in the town hall.

Mr Monkey can reveal that the Labour party had another do in the town hall last Friday at the taxpayers expense and all the usual scroungers were in attendance including Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm and his lackey Mr Dumpy, aka Papa John Szymanski editor of the Gazette.

Bloggers stupid enough to waste 42p on the local snooze paper can’t have failed to have noticed that editorial control has been handed over to the local Labour party their minister of propaganda Linda Fothergill.

Mr Monkey can confirm that the takeover has finally been completed at a ceremony last Friday when Papa John sat at the top table and was given a plate of his favourite sausage rolls as a reward for all his dedication and hard work on behalf of the party.

Before formally accepting the keys to the Papa John’s office, Miss Piggy acknowledged Mr Dumpy’s achievements and praised him for his outstanding and unbiased reporting and told the assembled crowd of scroungers that it was with some regret that he had decided to change the name of the Shields Gazette to The Labour Gazetteer.

Cum on Miss Piggy if you are that desperate to feel his Papa John’s arse you should have just asked him, there was no need to lick it.

Yes you’ve guessed it – The Twat Of The Week is council leader Iain Malcolm affectionately known as Miss Piggy.


Other things to do

'Happy birthday mam'

'Happy birthday mam'

Sorry bloggers but posting has taken second place today because Mr Monkey has spent the day at the metro centre with his mam who celebrates her 80th birthday tommorrow.

Tonight Mr Monkey is hosting a family get together - so he won’t be posting again this evening.

Mr Monkey is unlikely to post tommorrow as the monkey clan are spending the day at a country hotel, but normal service should resume on Saturday.


Is Mr Monkey Your First Foot?

Mr Monkey will be spending most of today visiting family, friends and neighbours doing his yearly first foot routine.

This chimp has already fucked many of you off by sending you a Monkey Card, so he thought what better way to celebrate the new year than by being your first foot.

When you step out of your house for the first time today don’t be surprised if you find a lump of coal, a small cake, or a coin either on your door mat, outside your door, in your garden or near your car - Mr Monkey just wanted to be your first foot because this will determine your luck for the coming year?

So if Mr Monkey has been kind to you and left you a little surprise, you know you’re in for one hell of a year.



Mr Monkey is probably one of only a handful of people up this morning following a night of excessive drinking and merry making. The only reason he’s busy clearing up the mess left behind by family and friends – thank fuck they were people I know!

So Mr Monkey thought now is a good an opportunity as any to wish you all a ..


but somehow Mr Monkey reckons it’s going to be a tough year for many, especially if Gordon Brown and his fuckwits hang on to power for another year.


Mr Monkey Takes A Well Earned Rest .. But What Were 848 of You Doing?

Thank fuck it’s all over for another year .. apparently there’s only 364 days till next Christmas!

Mr Monkey took a well a earned rest from blogging yesterday and spent the day with his extended family including several nieces and nephews that he’s never seen before.

The monkey family also set a new record yesterday with 22 people sitting down for Christmas dinner – it was fucking chaos.

Mr Monkey’s sister and her husband decided to spend thier first Christmas in England since they emigrated to New Zealand back 1995 and of course it’s cost him a bloody fortune buying presents for family he normally only speaks to on the telephone.

With a bit of luck Mr Monkey will return the favour next year and spent the festive season in New Zealand – it’s called revenge.

Things are almost back to normal today and Mr Monkey is glad to get back to the serious business of blogging.

Mr Monkey has taken a look at yesterday’s stats and is amazed that so many of you are addicted to Mr Monkey’s Blog. It seems that even on Christmas day many of you can’t keep off your computers.

Yesterday Mr Monkey’s Blog received 848  hits and Mr Monkey reckons that many of you must have been either bored stiff of Christmas, fed up with with being nice to people you can’t stand or are just a bunch of sad bastards.

Whatever the reason, thanks for stopping by; Mr Monkey appreciates your support.



Mr Monkey is off to do a bit of last minute shopping – yes it’s time to get Mrs Monkey’s Christmas present! So this may be the last post of the day.

Mr Monkey would like to thank all the readers that have helped make Mr Monkey’s Blog the premier blog in South Tyneside and all this in less than 5 months. Mr Monkey appreciates your support.

Mr Monkey will not be resting on his laurels over the festive season, instead he will be working on a few new ideas and hopes to add some extra features to his blog. He will also be following up a number of leads so readers can be sure that they won’t miss any news and gossip from the local political scene.

Unlike the Labour party who have spent thousands on sending out propaganda Christmas cards to residents across the borough, Mr Monkey has decided to put the environment before desperation and has opted to send his readers an electronic Christmas card.

But Mr Monkey will be sending out around 100 hard copies of his Christmas card to a select band of people;  as a reminder that he is watching their every move. If you get a Christmas card from Mr Monkey beware .. you’ll never who or what is watching you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas

Is Mr Monkey Watching You?

A Christmas Message From Mr Monkey

A Christmas Message From Mr Monkey


Mr Monkey Sees Off The Fat Mackem Hobbit

After reviewing last week’s stats it appears bloggers can’t get enough of Mr Monkey’s Blog.

It seems that in just 4 and half months Mr Monkey’s Blog has become South Tyneside’s premier blog and has left other local blogs desperately trying to hang onto Mr Monkey’s tail.

Judging by last week’s record breaking stats it seems a whole new audience have discovered Mr Monkey’s Blog and appear to love what they see – or is it just the monkey business that fascinates bloggers?

The speed of Mr Monkey’s growth has astounded even this chimp and if this rate of growth continues, Mr Monkey’s Blog is set to become one of the country’s top political blogs.

Even Graham Rigg aka The Fat Mackem Hobbit Curly – the man behind South Tyneside’s longest established blog – The Shire Curly’s Corner Shop has been forced to admit that Mr Monkey’s achievements are incredible.

This is what he had to say,

“For a blogger to attract so many visits in such a short period of time is indeed incredible and worthy of congratulations, even more so since the content is mainly of a local nature”.

“One might imagine that visitors are looking at more than one page per visit, perhaps two or three, does this mean page views of more than 100000 per month? This rivals even the Shields Gazette”.

“Curly congratulates you on your undoubted success”.

So there you have it, even the borough’s deposed premier blogger acknowledges Mr Monkey’s superiority.

As for last week’s record breaking stats, they were:

Highest number of hits in a single day – 2,151 on 19th December

Highest number of hits in a single week – 10,312

Highest number of hits on a single post in a week – 2,368


UPDATE: Equality and Diversity Gone Mad

UPDATE: The dimwitted actions of an officer from South Tyneside Homes has made the lightsnational newspapers today, several nationals have picked up on the story reported in The Journal on Saturday.

The Mirror, The Daily Mail, The Daily Express and The Telegraph all feature the story of how a fuckwit from South Tyneside Homes told a woman on the Woodbine Estate to take down her Christmas lights as they may offend her non christian neighbours who are turn out to be Chinese and Bengali.

Mr Monkey reckons that the officer responsible has once again turned South Tyneside Homes and South Tyneside Council into a laughing stock and he wonders whether the Municipal Journal has an award for the dimmest council of the year, if so, South Tyneside Council will win it hands down with shit like this.

If you want to know more about Political Correctness gone mad, click on any of these links.–case-offend-non-Christian-neighbours.html

Seems some twat in South Tyneside Homes has taken his equality and diversity training a bit too far, either that or he’s Jehovah’s Witness – apparently they don’t like Christmas too.

According to this article in today’s Journal CLICK HERE a fuck-wit from South Tyneside Homes told a woman on the Woodbine Estate to take down her Christmas lights as they may offend her non christian neighbours who are turn out to be Chinese and Bengali.

Mr Monkey reckons that this halfwit knows fuck all about other cultures, other than what he was told on a training course. How else can you explain this idoit’s over the top political correctness?

It’s shit like this that is food and drink to the BNP.

According to the Journal no one complained about the lady’s colourful festive display, including her neighbours. The only person that seems to have taken exception to the lights is a half-witted Englishman in a South Tyneside Homes uniform who appears to have been brainwashed into politically correct thinking.

Perhaps this poor bastard should get a life and leave people to get on with theirs.

Mr Monkey reckons this bah humbug should try spending his next holiday somewhere other than the Costa Del Sol. This would allow him to learn more about how diverse cultures across the world love nothing more than celebrating each others festivals – complete with lights, decorations and fireworks!


EXCLUSIVE: Breaking News .. Town Hall Jackpot Winner

'Merry Christmas you lucky bastard'

'Merry Christmas you lucky bastard'

EXCLUSIVE: Mr Monkey can reveal that someone in the town hall is today celebrating hitting the jackpot.

Seems this lucky bastard isn’t going to be worried about the credit crunch and is going to have a Christmas to remember.

If you want to learn more about the jackpot winner you’ll need to keep an eye on Mr Monkey’s Blog over the next 24 hours – he’s waiting for a bit more information before bringing you all the details.


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