Archive for the 'Christmas' Category


Bah Humbug!

A while back Mr Monkey revealed that one of the Malcolm’s called in to South Shields police station CLICK HERE and speculated as to the reason why.

This week Mr Monkey overheard an interesting conversation in the members longe about how Iain and Ed Malcolm were incensed when they received a Christmas card from Mr Monkey. CLICK HERE.

Apparently the Chuckle Brothers found the card offensive and intimidating and after several days pontificating decided to report the fact that they’d received a Christmas card to the police and demanded that they find out who sent it. Talk about wasting police time.

Mr Monkey appreciates that the Malcolm’s find it difficult to socially interact with people so Christmas must be an especially difficult time, but taking offense to a Christmas card .. that really is a case of bah humbug.

Come on boys it’s time to get a life and escape the clutches of your mam’s pinny.


Did You Get A Monkey Card?

Remember the electronic Christmas card uploaded by Mr Monkey? CLICK HERE.

It seems that some people have started receiving their own personalised version and are not too happy about it – come on you miserable bastards where’s your festive spirit?

Mr Monkey promised to send out 100 limited edition cards to a select band of people but changed his mind and increased the quantity to 250.

People who’ve received them include:

Local councillors
Executive council officers across the Tyne and Wear region
Council leaders in Tyne and Wear
Local journalists
Editors of newspapers in Tyne and Wear and County Durham
The Board of Johnston Press
Editors of newspapers owned by Johnston press
Captain’s of industry and local business leaders
A select number of people considered by Mr Monkey to have influence in political, community, media and business circles
… and every Working Mens Club, pub and Social Club in Houghton Le Spring, Hetton Le Hole and Easington Lane.

But don’t worry if you haven’t received yours yet – there’s more on the way!


Mr Monkey Takes A Well Earned Rest .. But What Were 848 of You Doing?

Thank fuck it’s all over for another year .. apparently there’s only 364 days till next Christmas!

Mr Monkey took a well a earned rest from blogging yesterday and spent the day with his extended family including several nieces and nephews that he’s never seen before.

The monkey family also set a new record yesterday with 22 people sitting down for Christmas dinner – it was fucking chaos.

Mr Monkey’s sister and her husband decided to spend thier first Christmas in England since they emigrated to New Zealand back 1995 and of course it’s cost him a bloody fortune buying presents for family he normally only speaks to on the telephone.

With a bit of luck Mr Monkey will return the favour next year and spent the festive season in New Zealand – it’s called revenge.

Things are almost back to normal today and Mr Monkey is glad to get back to the serious business of blogging.

Mr Monkey has taken a look at yesterday’s stats and is amazed that so many of you are addicted to Mr Monkey’s Blog. It seems that even on Christmas day many of you can’t keep off your computers.

Yesterday Mr Monkey’s Blog received 848  hits and Mr Monkey reckons that many of you must have been either bored stiff of Christmas, fed up with with being nice to people you can’t stand or are just a bunch of sad bastards.

Whatever the reason, thanks for stopping by; Mr Monkey appreciates your support.



Mr Monkey is off to do a bit of last minute shopping – yes it’s time to get Mrs Monkey’s Christmas present! So this may be the last post of the day.

Mr Monkey would like to thank all the readers that have helped make Mr Monkey’s Blog the premier blog in South Tyneside and all this in less than 5 months. Mr Monkey appreciates your support.

Mr Monkey will not be resting on his laurels over the festive season, instead he will be working on a few new ideas and hopes to add some extra features to his blog. He will also be following up a number of leads so readers can be sure that they won’t miss any news and gossip from the local political scene.

Unlike the Labour party who have spent thousands on sending out propaganda Christmas cards to residents across the borough, Mr Monkey has decided to put the environment before desperation and has opted to send his readers an electronic Christmas card.

But Mr Monkey will be sending out around 100 hard copies of his Christmas card to a select band of people;  as a reminder that he is watching their every move. If you get a Christmas card from Mr Monkey beware .. you’ll never who or what is watching you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas

Is Mr Monkey Watching You?

A Christmas Message From Mr Monkey

A Christmas Message From Mr Monkey


EXCLUSIVE: Bad News For Irene and Iain

EXCLUSIVE: Regular readers of Mr Monkey’s Blog will know that there is no love lost between South Tyneside Council’s dominatrix chief executive Irene Lucas and council leader Miss Piggy aka Iain Malcolm.

Since Miss Piggy replaced Paul Waggott as leader, Ms Lucas has desperately been trying to jump ship. A source close to the chief executive’s office has told Mr Monkey that she’s finding life under Miss Piggy extremely difficult and feels it’s only a matter of time before there is a huge bust up.

Ms Lucas is not used to playing second fiddle and likes to get her own way. She was able to manipulate former leader Paul Waggott; he did whatever he was told and knew his place in the scheme of things.

Unfortunately Miss Piggy is a different animal who loves to play the big I am and wants everybody around him to bow and scrape on his command. He’ also a more devious bastard that will stop at nothing to get his own way including selling his own family to the highest bidder.

Ms Lucas has applied for several positions since May including a senior position with the new Durham Unitary Authority. Last month Mr Monkey revealed she was sniffing round the vacant chief executive’s position at Sunderland City council CLICK HERE  and HERE.

According to one of her close aides skivvies that this was “her dream job”.

Mr Monkey can now reveal that her ‘dream’ has turned into a nightmare and that she’s been shunned by senior councillors at Sunderland who reckon she comes with too much baggage. Apparently she never even made the final shortlist.

Seems Ms Lucas is rapidly running out of options and has no choice but to play second fiddle to councillor Iain Malcolm.

Meanwhile council leader Miss Piggy is becoming increasingly frustrated at what he sees as Ms Lucas’s deliberate attempt to undermine him and would love nothing better than for her to leave – unfortunately it ain’t going to happen anytime soon.

Mr Monkey reckons both these power mad individuals; who loathe each other will have a pretty shit Christmas knowing they’ll have to work with each come 2009.

For the record the job went to David Smith who is currentlt the Acting chief executive.


Monkey Clip

As it’s nearly Christmas Mr Monkey thought it’s time he showed a little bit of Christmas spirit so he’s dedicating this week’s Monkey Clip to Council Leader Iain Malcolm – a man in denial.

CLICK HERE and enjoy.


Ho..Ho..Ho Mrs Santa Is A Fraudster!

Papa John Syzmanski’s new found friend and Iain Malcolm’s latest lackey Joyce Welsh seems to be feeling much better now that Miss Piggy aka council Iain Malcolm has promised her a seat at the 2010 local elections – Mr Monkey will reveal more of this at a later date.

In November Mr Monkey questioned why Ms Welsh was unable to work yet was perfectly able to attend every Labour party bash and go everywhere with Alice Malcolm, the mother of councillors Iain and Ed Malcolm.

Bloggers will recall that she even managed to join the annual Remembrance Day parade which marches from the town hall to the cenotaph at Westoe. CLICK HERE.

Although Ms Welsh seems unable to work due to a fake illness, she is able to take positions of responsibility for the Labour party, do voluntary work at St Clares Hospice, sit on the Board of South Tyneside Homes and according to the local Labour party’s website, she is the chair of Labour’s Women’s Forum.

If that’s not enough, it seems this benefit fraudster is now doubling as Santa.

According to the Malcolm Fanzine, aka the Shields Gazette, somebody with a remarkable resemblance to Ms Welsh will be delivering presents for the Rotary Club around Whitburn. CLICK HERE

Strange how Iain Malcolm’s Head of Communications, Papa John Syzmanski appears to have deliberately left her name out of the article – he wouldn’t want a benefit fraud investigator sniffing round would he?

Being the public spirited chimp he is, Mr Monkey has already sent them Ms Welsh’s details, so she can expect a knock any day now.

Merry Christmas you fucking benefit cheat!

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