Archive for the 'Football' Category


is the member for jarrow a peckish plonky?

'The memebr for Jarrow thinks the taxpayer should pay for his grocery bill'

'The memebr for Jarrow thinks the taxpayer should pay for his grocery bill'

It seems Jarrow MP Stephen Hepburn loves nothing more than a free feed and piss up at the taxpayers expense – maybe it’s a legacy from his days of being a South Tyneside councillor.

According to the Parliamentary expenses published yesterday, Mr Hepburn thinks that the taxpayer should pick up his grocery bill and he sees nothing wrong in claiming around £75 per week for food – last year the greedy bastard managed to fuck the taxpayer to the tune of £3,850 for his food bill alone.

His expenses also show that he claimed £450 for a washing machine and nearly £500 for a digital camera – which by coincidence happened to be bought a couple of weeks before Christmas – Mr Monkey reckons somebody probably got a canny Christmas present.

Mr Monkey also reckons that the taxpayer has been paying for his drinking habit under the guise of petty cash. Examination of Mr Hepburn’s claims reveal that he claimed £250 a month for ‘petty cash’. This is the monthly limit allowed and there’s no requirement to submit receipts.

This chimp can’t help wondering how he managed to claim exactly £250 month after month unless of course he was milking the system to feed his boozing habit – he can often be found on a Sunday afternoon pissed up in the Clock in Hebburn.

Maybe he should take a leaf out of David Miliband’s book and pay some of the money back?


Exclusive: Good news for King street .. at last

'Good news for KIng St, Sports Direct will be opening soon'

'Good news for King St, Sports Direct will be opening soon'

EXCLUSIVE: Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that South Shield’s beleaguered town centre is about to receive a welcome boost.

Newcastle United’s owner Mike Ashley, is set to open a branch of Sports Direct in South Shields.

The news comes at a time when Mr Ashley, the under-fire Newcastle United owner is expanding his business portfolio in an effort to establish his dominance over rival sportswear retailer JJB Sports.

Mr Monkey can confirm that Sports Direct has acquired the former Woolworths site on King Street and is set to open it’s doors to the public in June.

This chimp can also confirm that Sports Direct decision to open a store in South Shields has nothing to do with the council, the council leader or South Tyneside Means Business – just in case the council’s Office of Propaganda were thinking of claiming the credit!

Mr Monkey wonders whether this latest addition to a ‘thriving King Street’ means we’ll be seeing more of our shopaholic invisible MP, David Miliband .. sadly not, Mr Monkey has just learned that Sports Direct doesn’t sell Arsenal tops.


All Smiles in Whitburn .. Until Derby Day

'The toon will soon wipe that smile off your face'

'The toon will soon wipe that smile off your face'

South Tyneside’s dominatrix, Irene Lucas has cause to celebrate today after husband John Hays picked up a top travel award on behalf of his company Hays Travel. CLICK HERE.

Mr Hays who doubles as Quinny’s side kick at the Stadium of Shite (some daft twat has to be vice chairman), seems to be following in his wife’s footsteps when it comes to giving yourself a pat on the back and picking up worthless awards.

I bet the pillow talk in Irene and John’s boudoir must have been fucking interesting this week – imagine “my gong is bigger than your gong”.

Mr Monkey reckons it was only a matter of time before John got his own back on Irene after she picked up that meaningless piece of glass in London for being the Best Council of The Year.

Remember all the hype  shite that followed an award that was given by a fucking magazine of all things?

Sorry Irene and John but your joy is about to come to an abrupt end and you know why – yes you and all your Mackem trash are gonna get fucked by the Toon tomorrow.


The Week Ahead

The week ahead will go down in history as one of the momentous of our time

It’s the week when: 

George W Bush is consigned to the history books and will be remembered as the worst US President ever
Barack Obama becomes the first African American President of America
Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown saddles future generations with yet more debt
Kaka joins Manchester City and becomes the first £100 million pound footballer
Mr Monkey’s Blog reaches the 100,000 hits milestone in record time
The long awaited list of ‘Monkey Suspects’ is published
Graham Glitter aka Curly has an ape free day and doesn’t post or comment about the borough’s premier blogger Mr Monkey
The Fat Mackem Hobbit admits he’s obssesed with all things ape and that he’ll do anything to feed off Mr Monkey’s success
and David Miliband spends a day in his constituency; watch out for him on Ocean Road.


A Pig With 5 Chins!

"I'd love to get my chins round this ball"

"I'd love to get my chins round this ball"

It looks as though council leader Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm has been so busy wanking playing the boss that he’s forgotten one of the basic rules of media manipulation .. don’t say something that might come back and bite you in the arse. Although in his case the dirty bastard might enjoy it!

Mr Monkey nearly choked on his bananas when he read this piece of shit about new changing facilities for the football pitches on the Dragon, CLICK HERE. 

According to councillor Malcolm, the development,

 “is the beginning of a major transformation of our Foreshore” 

but it’s this bit that almost choked Mr Monkey,

“and will also boost our efforts to increase participation in sport and exercise”.

This is from the same fuckwit that wanted to build a super casino on Gypsies Green Stadium and when that failed he decided to build a hotel and conference centre on it.

Mr Monkey is confused because the last time he looked, Gypsies Green Stadium was being used for sport and exercise which we now learn Miss Piggy is keen to push, at least that’s what his paper says.

So is councillor Malcolm a liar or did he open his fat gob without thinking about the consequences?

Seems the twat forgot where he was for a minute and looks to have scored an own goal of mega proportions. Mr Monkey reckons this slip of his tongue will cost him dear in 2011 when he’s likely to be voted out of office for remarks like this.

Mr Monkey will leave readers with this thought – take a close look at the picture of councillor Iain Malcolm, especially the triple chins – he’d do well to heed his own advice and get some exercise before his colleagues start calling him ‘Piggy Five Chins’.


EXCLUSIVE: Keano Quits!

EXCLUSIVE:The Fat Mackem Hobbit will be gutted at the news that Sunderland’s saviour Roy Keane has quit the black cats.

The former Manchester United skipper’s departure was announced at 1pm, bringing to an end a morning of fevered speculation. Keane left the club after crisis talks with chairman Niall Quinn, and the players were informed at a meeting this morning. Keane’s assistant Tony Loughlan has also left.

First-team coach Ricky Sbragia,  reserve-team boss Neil Bailey and midfielder Dwight Yorke will take charge of the team for this weekend’s trip to Manchester United.

There has been speculation about Keane’s position since last Friday when he hinted he may not stay on Wearside beyond the end of his current three-year contract.

Sunderland chairman Nail Quinn said: “First of all, on behalf of everyone here I would like to pay thanks to Roy Keane for all his hard work in progressing this club, lifting its status and growing its worldwide profile. Roy deserves huge respect for his contribution and the manner in which he guided the club from the depths of the Championship back to the Premier League. “His winning mentality and single-mindedness were just what this needed when Drumaville (the consortium that owns the club) took over shortly before his arrival. Roy’s decision to stand aside and allow someone else to take charge of the next chapter sums up his desire to always do what is best for the club. Even in his departure he has been more concerned for the welfare of the players and his staff than himself. The board has reluctantly accepted his decision and wish him and his family well for the future.”

'The Saviour .. ha-ha'

'The Saviour' .. ha ha.

Keane added: “I would like to thank my staff, players, Niall Quinn and in particular the fans for their support during my time at Sunderland, and I would like to wish the club every success in the future.”

Keane was appointed in August 2006, with the club floundering next-to-bottom of the Championship. He led the club out of the relegation zone and won promotion in his first season and then to a 15th-placed finish in the Premier League last term.

Keane spent more than £45m after winning promotion and spent another £30m this summer in a bid to take the club forward this season. But Sunderland’s form this season has been inconsistent and a run of four consecutive defeats at home in all competitions has increased the pressure on the beleaguered boss.

His side have been booed off in their last two home games and the fans also turned on skipper Dean Whitehead at the weekend when his mistake gifted Bolton their fourth goal.

Seems Mr Monkey has scooped the Shields Gazette and local bloggers again – sorry Papa John but if you took that sausage roll out of your fat mouth for a second or two you wouldn’t have been caught with your pants down!

Posted 1.25pm 4/12


Sunderland Win The Champions League!

Sunderland fans are waking up this morning thinking they’ve won the Champions League instead of scraping 3 points against an out of sort’s Newcastle team courtesy of a well taken free kick.

Three generations of mackem fans finally realised what it feels like to win a game on their home turf against the toon.


Their 2-1 win can’t come anywhere near to being battered 4-1 on your own ground on your way to the Championship but the reality for the toon is they are in the relegation zone with just six points.


Mr Monkey reckons that defeat was on the cards given that the club is still in a total mess and the for sale sign is still hanging over St James’s Park and the antics of Mike Ashley back in September still make relegation a possibility.


Having clawed themselves back into yesterday’s game, the toon could have pushed on and won it and had the chances to do so. But in the end the scoreline was probably more comfortable for Sunderland.


Yet if the toon were unorganised on the field, Sunderland as a football club were all over the place off it.


Mr Monkey reckons that many Sunderland supporters will deem some of his views as sour grapes, but Mr Monkey is talking about the safety of genuine people who support both clubs.


How is it so easy for fans to get on to the pitch at Sunderland?


To allow fans to run at the away section is simply unacceptable and if the FA don’t act on it (with similar occurrences in the past having gone unpunished) then there something seriously wrong with the game.


Youngsters at both ends of the ground were at risk as both sets of fans were allowed to charge at each other.


The stewards and police were quick enough to act when Joey Barton had the audacity to warm up as sub.


Barton was also spat at and pelted with bottles and coins, all of which should have no place in a football ground; this is 2008 and not 1978.


Why was a supporter from the Sunderland end allowed to get dangerously close to Shay Given?


Whoever was in charge of security at Sunderland should hang their head in shame and he or she must be sacked following yesterday’s disgraceful scenes.


Most toon fans have the tag as best supporters in the country because they are so civilised when it comes to visitors arriving on Tyneside.


But it was far from civilised at the Stadium of Shite with people who are supposed to be looking after the crowd more interested in what was happening on the pitch and whether their side could win for the first time in 28 years; some people will do anything not to pay for a ticket!


As usual toon fans were kept locked in the stadium at the end of the game but how come Sunderland fans were also allowed to remain in the stadium to put more people in danger while stewards laughed and smiled along with the the mackem trash?


So many questions and all of the answers lie with the FA.


If they are half as efficient as they were when they banned Barton and Joe Kinnear for their misdemeanours in the game, they should also come down on Sunderland like a ton of bricks; but Mr Monkey won’t hold his breath!


Enjoy your moment of fame, 14 weeks isn’t long to wait for revenge!