Archive for the 'Fuckwits' Category



17
May
09

iain malcolm dares you tell people about mr monkey!

Seems council leader Iain Malcolm’s obsession to silence Mr Monkey has taken a new twist.

Bloggers will already know that Miss Piggy, aka councillor Iain Malcolm ordered senior officers of the council to bar access to Mr Monkey’s Blog from all council computers in a desperate attempt to stop council employees and councillors from reading about his disgraceful antics and what really goes on behind the closed doors of his pen office. CLICK HERE.

If that wasn’t enough, he tried to ban access to Mr Monkey’s Blog on council owned Blackberrys that are used by senior officers and councillors. CLICK HERE.

And even his brother, councillor Ed Malcolm unsuccessfully complained to the police after he recived a Christmas card from a  naughty ape. CLICK HERE.

Mr Monkey has also learned that public money has been used to buy legal advice in an effort to silence this chimp - more on this will follow. CLICK HERE, and HERE 

A senior councillor has unwittingly told Mr Monkey that his ape antics are driving Miss Piggy mad and he’s frustrated that all his attempts to silence the chimp fail.

Apparently he’s now resorted to intimidation to silence anyone who dares mention Mr Monkeys Blog and has threatened to take disciplinary action against any council employee who dares mention Mr Monkey by name.

This chimp was now been told that councillor Iain Malcolm has stepped up his campaign of intimidation and is now using the council’s Standards Committee in a last ditch attempt to stop people referring to Mr Monkey’s Blog.

Apparently an opposition councillor has been reported to the Standards Committee for daring to refer to Mr Monkey’s Blog – the councillor has been charged with promoting a political blog that disrespects both councillors and council officers.

Mr Monkey reckons other local bloggers, newspapers (except the Shields Gazette who already do as they are told) and anyone who dares talk about local politics in their workplaces, pubs, clubs and even their own homes better beware, the fat sow in the town hall is out to get you.

17
Mar
09

prohibtion or punishing the innocent?

'Beat the taxman, brew your own'

'Beat the taxman, brew your own'

It seems the similarities between today’s economic downturn and the great depression of the 1930′s are becoming more obvious by the day and following Sir Liam Donaldson’s (the chief medicalofficer) announcement on Friday about dramatically increasing the price of a unit of alcohol to allegedly curb binge drinking Mr Monkey reckons Nu-Labour are well on the way to matching that other great achievement of the 1920s and 30s; prohibition.

Anyone with an iota of sense knew that the health lobby were’nt going to stop at cigarettes. It took them long enough to get to the stage where smokers are now treated as pariahs, but they got there. Now, with tax on the things high and getting higher, the cancer sticks being banned from pubs, clubs, workplaces etc., advertising banned, health care services denied to those that won’t give up, patronising ads on TV et al to tell us to stop smoking by making people feel like war criminals if they still light up… the campaign has been templated, noted and laid out to follow in future. The only question is which of the two issues will be battered first? Fast Food, or Drink.

So, Sir Liam Donaldson, with the undoubted patronising acquiescence of the BBC, put forward his agenda on Friday. It isn’t too much of hearing stories like the one where a mother was stopped from buying a bottle of wine in case she gave it to her 14 year old daughter who was food shopping with her. If it isn’t that whatever tax or levy is put on the stuff, the drinks cabinet at the British Medical Association or the House of Commons will probably be liberally stocked, and lightly taxed, and also subsidised in the worst way by the taxpaying saps who will be victims of any policy. If it isn’t because the state believes they need to save us from ourselves, so we can fund their nonsensical bailout policies. No, Sir Liam believes that alcohol should have a minimum price based on the alcohol units in a drink.

The people will rebel on this one, because the vast majority of us like a drink. Mr Monkey included.

Do you know what, this chimp admits being drunk in his time and …

  • You know how many people he’s beaten up or knifed when drunk?
  • You know how many times he’s been to hospital as a result of being drunk?
  • You know how many times he’s been arrested for being of being drunk?

The answer is zero.

Apparently Sir Liam is proposing, in ever such an egalitarian way that because some people have a drink problem and behave like reprobates and cads, and despite having laws to stop them, if they are enforced properly, because of them, you want to punish everyone.

Thank fuck there’s an election looming, Labour’s fear of being cast into the wilderness should put an end to this fuckwit idea – at least for now but Mr Monkey predicts that tough measures to limit the sale of alcohol are on the way.

11
Mar
09

vodka lil will be fucked tonight

Vodka Lil, aka councillor Eileen Leask who knows how to fiddle the benefits system but doesn’t know what day of the the week it is when she’s had a couple of vodkas will be well and truly fucked tonight - not by Peter – he’s got no balls.

For bloggers who are not familiar with councillor Leask, aka Vodka Lil she’s one of 2 Labour councillors in Horlsey Hill, the other one is Miss Piggy, aka council leader Iain Malcolm.

Councillor Leask has a reputation for being a total piss head and is one of those people that no one wants to know when she’s drunk. Her behaviour is outrageous and she’s an embarrassment to those unfortunate enough to be in her company.

This fuckwit also has a reputation for being brain dead and is referred to as thick twat by some of her colleagues.

Despite all this baggage, her ward colleague, council leader Iain Malcolm has bought her loyalty by giving her the chair of the Tyne and Wear Pensions committee which is responsible for billions of pounds worth of pension assets. The position carries a yearly allowance of nearly £10,000 and is renowned for its freebies and junkets.

Mr Monkey has learned that the Pensions committee has spent the last 3 days on a junket in the South of England and will be returning to Newcastle - via first class rail travel – later tonight. Apparently the poor bastards are fucked tired following 3 days of over eating, drinking and being entertained at the publics expense.

Mr Monkey hopes Vodka Lil is going to declare this holiday to the Benefits Agency?

05
Mar
09

fuckwit on the button

Mr Monkey revealed that the council used the electronic voting system for the first time last week and that a fuckiwt councillor pressed the wrong button during the vote on Pudgy Face’s, aka Tory Boy David Potts amendment. CLICK HERE.

A council officer has now revealed that the fuckwit in question was either councillor Tom Defty who was sat in George ‘Red Rum’ Elsom’s seat or the Einstein of the Independents, councillor Victor Thompson.

Thank fuck they didn’t have to make any serious decisions.

03
Mar
09

1p per minute to park

Apparently councilor Iain Malcolm Miss Piggy and her fellow sows in the cabinet have recognised the problems caused by parking charges in South Shields town centre and have decided to take “decisive action”. At least that’s what ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm claimed during his budget presentation at last week’s full council.

According to this blithering idiot, South Tyneside is going to adopt the North Tyneside model of charging 1p a minute - he reckons no one will object to paying 1p for a minute’s worth of parking.

This new ‘radical’ shift in policy means that motorists will now pay 60p per hour instead of 70p. The machines will not give any change nor will the motorist get any extra time in lieu of their change.

With fuckwit policies like this, its hardly surprising our town centre has become so popular with the Foreign Secretary, David Miliband a ghost town.

02
Mar
09

who pressed the wrong button?

After months of waiting, the electronic voting system in the council chamber was used for the first time at last week’s full council meeting.

Things could’nt have been simpler, all the bloodsuckers councillors had to do was:

  • press the the green button for yes
  • press the the red button for no
  • press the white button to abstain

but Mr Monkey has learned that it was all to much for one fuckwit who seems to have pressed the wrong button and voted with the Tories.

When it was time to vote on the King of Sleaze’s, Tory Boy Potts amendment, 43 voted against the motion and 3 voted for it – yet there were only 2 Tories in the chamber.

This chimp is trying to find out who the fuckwit was and will let bloggers know as soon as he hears anything.

20
Feb
09

Twat of the week

'Casanova shares the Twat of The Week award with the Audit Commission'

'Casanova shares the Twat of The Week award with the Audit Commission'

This week Mr Monkey has taken the unusual step of splitting the The Twat of The Week award between two worthy winners - councillor Michael Clare and the Audit Commission

Bloggers will know that South Tyneside Council loves picking up worthless awards and accolades and then force feeding the public a diet of shit by telling us all how good they are.

Apparently council services are regularly audited by the Audit Commission so that government can check on performance and value for money.

Some people believe the Audit Commission is a toothless wonder that’s in the pocket of government and reguarly fails to detect poor financial management and bad practise.

Here in South Tyneside, it was the Audit Commission who failed to spot an £11 million plus black hole in the council finances and then couldn’t explain why they had signed off the council’s accounts.

Today Mr Monkey has learned that this inept organisation has revealed that South Tyneside has among the ‘best pavements’ in the region and the second best in North East England.

Mr Monkey reckons the inspectors that visited the borough must have been blind. Either that or The Dominatrix, aka Irene Lucas the chief executive of South Tyneside Council stage managed the visit?

This chimp reckons there’s no way the inspectors would have reached this conclusion by wandering round the streets of Horsley Hill, Biddick Hall, Jarrow, Hebburn, Whiteleas or Simonside and Rekendyke.

But what’s really depressing about this latest ‘award’ con is that councillor Michael Clare actually believes the shite being spewed out by the council’s press office.

Cum on Casanova (more of this later) everyone except the fuckwits in the cabinet and chief executive’s office knows that the borough’s pavements are in a terrible state – just ask the council’s insurance company who are increasingly being asked to pick up the tab when people sue!

14
Feb
09

More Recycled Shit

Seems councillor Michael Clare’ obsession with recycling has now spread to the council’s press office.

Mr Monkey has noticed that ever since Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm grabbed control of the council from Waggott the council has been recycling old policies and press releases in an attempt to look busy and con the residents of the borough in to believing that he’s actually doing something.

Mr Monkey nearly choked on his peanuts when he saw this blatant con by Miss Piggy and his stooges. CLICK HERE.  

But the piece de resistance has got to be this comment attributed to Mr Tits, aka councillor Alan Kerr,

“The Council is working hard to make its services more flexible and accessible to customers. Our easy to use website is an excellent resource and shows agendas and minutes for all major committees. Clicking on council agendas is a great way for local people to keep in touch with the decisions that affect their everyday lives from planning issues to refuse collections.”

Anyone who knows this dirty old bastard will tell you he couldn’t of dreamt this statement up even if Pamela Anderson was giving him a tit wank - the letch is not capable of spewing this shit.

Mr Monkey can confirm that this press release is nothing more than an attempt to fuck us and just shows the contempt this council has for the residents of South Tyneside.

For the record committee papers, agendas, reports and minutes have been available on line since 2002 so this press release is nothing more than a con.

Mr Monkey can’t wait to see what Mr Dumpy, aka Papa John Szymanski does with this press release given the fact that his obedient lackeys reporters have been using the council’s on-line links to access committee papers etc for the last 5 years.

08
Feb
09

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to the Fat Cats in the council’s press office who thought it would be a good idea to tell us what a wonderful job the council had done gritting the roads.

Mr Monkey reckons these fuckwits are probably planning a ‘scoop’ sometime next week about where the council gets it’s salt – don’t bother, Mr Monkey has saved you the job and he did at no cost to the public.

29
Jan
09

Gaffe of The Week

Twat of the Week, CLICK HERE, South Shields MP and Foreign Secretary David Miliband has picked up yet another Monkey accolade.

This time Mr Monkey has awarded him the dubious title of Gaffe of The Week for his stupid, ill timed and un-researched remarks about South Shields town centre following a rare visit to his constituency; yes he does remember where South Shields is.

Here are just some examples of what our out of touch MP had to say:

“King Street is a lovely shopping area. I come down here quite often to visit the bank and stores”.

You’re a bit economical with the truth aren’t you David? Why not tell us how many times you’ve visited South Shields in the last 12 months? Whilst you’re at it tell us how many times you’ve been down ‘street’ – as you’re not from Shields and you spend so little time here, that’s King Street.

If Mr Monkey was to take a guess based on your press coverage (you don’t do anything without them hanging on to your coat tails) it seems you’ve made a personal appearance about 6 times in the last 12 months. You’ve never been down ‘street’ unless you count Colmans as being on King Street and you certainly ain’t been seen in many of the town centre shops.

When was you last in the Denmark Centre for example, if you’d have seen all the empty units you on your staged visit you might have been less inclined to make fuckwit comments.

If these stupid comments weren’t enough, ‘Brains’ went on to say,

“I think morale and spirits are high in South Shields, and there’s still a lot of people coming to use the shops, especially on a Friday.”

This just shows how out of touch you are. Either that or your swallowed the council’s spin as presented by the town hall’s number one plonky, Rick O’Farrell.

Come on David a man with your connections should check the information you’rebeing spoon fed, especially when it comes from someone who at best has a dubious background in local and regional government. Just ask your colleagues researchers to tell you about the fuck ups he made whilst working for the Regional Government office and the millions it cost the public purse

Instead of speaking to the managers of Marks and Spencers and Burtons why didn’t you ask some of the shoe shops, cafes, bars, pound shops and card shops what they thought. Why didn’t you ask the market traders or better still why didn’t you some of the ‘many shoppers’ you bumped into – after all wasn’t it a Friday when you cane to town? At least that’s when your Labour party dinner was.

Come on David it’s time you stopped insulting the intelligence of the people of South Tyneside – you might believe your own bullshit but the public have seen right through you and your spin and if you keep making gaffes like this your future almost certainly lies in the House of Lords – but then every cloud has a silver lining especially if you’re in the Labour party!




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