Archive for the 'Graham Rigg' Category

21
Jul
09

mr monkey calls it a day

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can go home'

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can return home to enjoy his retirement'

It’s been nearly a year since Mr Monkey burst on to the local political scene with the redesigned version of Mr Monkey’s Blog

.. and what a year it’s been.

This chimp had no idea of the effect his blog would have on politicians of all parties and senior council officers or the impact it would have on local politcs.

Mr Monkey quickly built up a following amongst local bloggers and within weeks, Mr Monkey’s Blog established itself as South Tyneside’s premier blog, much to the annoyance of some.

There have been many highlights during the last 12 months but Mr Monkey’s favourites are:-

  • Ending councillor David Potts political career before it started by getting him deselected as the Tory candidate to fight Alistair Darling.
  • Ensuring that the people of Washington East and Houghton knew what a devious and scheming individual Ed Malcom was. This played a major part  in his failure to become their prospective member of Parliament.
  • Exposing council leader Iain Malcolm as an election fraudster.
  • Knowing that Irene Lucas, the Chief Executive of South Tyneside Council could not control, manipulate or stop Mr Monkey and that his blog was the worst thing that happened to her in her local government career.
  • Knowing that every politician feared being exposed on Mr Monkey’s Blog and despite what they said, knowing that everyone of them read it daily.
  • Exposing Ed Malcolm’s long term affair with his ‘granny’, aka councillor Punchion
  • ‘Outing’ Iain Malcolm.
  • Continually thwarting the attempts of senior council officials to stop Mr Monkey’s Blog and reveal the identity of Mr Monkey.
  • Frustrating South Tyneside’s most self opinionated blogger, the Fat Mackem Hobitt.
  • Exposing Papa John Szymanski, editor of the local Malcolm Fanzine, aka the Shields Gazette as a Labour groupie, freeloader and that he sold his soul to Labour for the price of a sausage roll.
  • Knowing that all the pseudonyms Mr Monkey has used will be around for years to come.

After achieving every goal Mr Monkey set himself - in record time - this chimp has decided to give his victims an early birthday present - Mr Monkey is going to call it a day on Thursday 30th July.

Mr Monkey has spent the last couple of months agonising over whether or not to retire and after talking it over with a few wiser chimps, he’s decided to take their advice and return to the jungle to enjoy his retirement and spend more time with his family.

Although Mr Monkey has decided to call it a day, he hasn’t yet made up his mind about whether to leave Mr Monkey’s Blog on the internet for future generations to enjoy or whether to remove it forever - that decision will be made on International Primate Day.

Make sure you stop by on Tuesday 1st September .. when all will be revealed.

27
Jun
09

South Shields Daily Pictures

Today’s South Shields Daily Picture Monkey Clip is dedicated to two of South Tyneside’s most self opinionated fuckwits - the King of Sleaze, aka conservative councillor David Potts and The Fat Mackem Hobbit, aka Graham Rigg.

It seems that these two have much more in common than Mr Monkey thought and this short clip shows what happens when the King of Sleaze demands total obedience from his subjects lackey.

 

But what does councillor Potts do when the council leader, Iain Malcolm summons him to his office?

05
May
09

a sinking ship or wishful thinking?

Message to Graham Rigg and David Potts (I know they’re avid readers of this blog, so they’ll see this)

Over the past few days, Graham Rigg and David Potts have been having a right old time of it while Mr Monkey has been busy moving house.

Rigg, with plenty of time on his hands as an unemployed man whose been a bit of a failure in life (still in an upstairs flat in your mid 50s, Graham? There are crisis loans for things like that…) has thrown some horrific slurs his way.

But let us not forget: with more members than any of the other opposition groups, they’re still the biggest opposition group. They’re THE political success story in this borough’s history.

No political party has came anywhere near achieving their kind of success in modern times in South Tyneside.

The Tories have three councillors, as do the Lib Dems. The Tories havemade NO gains during David Potts tenure as leader, despite Labour disintegrating nationally over the past five years. Surely questions have to be asked about his competence?

The Progressives, once a dominant political force in the borough, have just five councillors and their hanging on by their finger tips. Take Jim Capstick he scrapped through by just three votes at the last elections.

So tell us, which group/party is doing things wrong…

I personally believe that Rigg and Potts hate the Independent Alliance because they don’t believe in democracy. They believe candidates should be vetted by old school parties, given the nod by party chiefs, and then step forward for election. It’s an insiders world, and they want it to stay that way.

Take councillor Ahmed Khan for instance, they don’t believe a member of the public, (A BLASTED OUTSIDER!) unsoiled by previous political roles, should stand and be duly elected. They don’t want to see the local political gentleman’s club fall apart, worse still their cosy little world being exposed for all to see.

Well Mr Monkey has news for Rigg, Potts and the ruling elite; there are more ‘councillor Khan’s’ on the way.

The Independents are still the official opposition group on the council. The Progressives also vote alongside them. They’re still close. They are a force to be reckoned with.

If you want confirmation of this go to the next council meeting on 12th May. You’re certain to see the Independent Alliance doing the job they were elected to do – oppose the ruling party. On the other hand you’ll see the Tories happily accepting a few tit-bits (PAID OF COURSE), handed out by Labour in a desperate attempt to buy their loyalty for the next 12 months.

Despite what Rigg says, since when have political groups standing in tinpot local elections had to have extensive manifestos and policies?

If so, point me in the direction of the weighty manifestos put forward by local councillors at the last election…You can’t – you’re talking bullshit. They put out double-sided A5 leaflets outlining how they’d improved their wards – they didn’t put out 20-year plans for tourism and business in the town.

At local level it’s about sound money, sound running of the council, competence, honesty and integrity. With a leader and deputy leader who’ve been big business successes themselves, I trust them to do just that.

Why aren’t they that forthcoming about what they “would” do? Probably because there’s no chance of them forming an executive to run the council for two or three years. So why live in fantasy land when they can tell the public what they’ll OPPOSE. When they’re close to seeing the opposition make it into power, they’ll tell the public what they’ll do. If the public like it, they’ll keep on voting. If they don’t, watch them lose their seats.

Just one question, Curly – do you ever get in touch with people you’re about to slur to ask for their take on your inaccurate claims?

Thought not.

Graham Rigg – sniggered at by Labour bosses, loathed by Independents, tolerated reluctantly by Tories.

'Amateur, photographer, amateur blogger, failed politician and general all round misfit desperate to be loved’

'Amateur, photographer, amateur blogger, failed politician and general all round misfit desperate to be loved’

06
Mar
09

Tips on keeping a hobbit

Mr Monkey reckons that the silence from the Fat Mackem Hobbit over at the Shire has been deafening of late – until today and can’t help wondering whether his dicky heart has been playing up again.

The chimp is worried about the Hobbit’s well being and wonders how Mrs Hobbit is coping with her husband’s obbsessive and aggressive behaviour, especially when she gives him a banana.

Mr Monkey reckons Mrs Hobbit might appreciate a bit of advice on how to look after her moody Fat Hobbit and offers her the following advice:

  • When selecting your Hobbit did you put temperament above looks. 
  • If your fully grown Hobbit is timid and bites, do not be afraid to return it to where you got it from. Hobbits with wild tendencies do not make good pets.
  • If your Hobbit becomes aggressive it could be that it feels threatened.
  • Ensure that the room you provide for him is large enough and that he cannot smell any ‘monkeys’ nearby.
  • If your Hobbit is vicious towards another Hobbit, try introducing them in a neutral environment such as the car. Be patient and remember that not all Hobbits enjoy the company of other Hobbits.
  • Never put Hobbits and monkeys together as your Hobbit is likely to get hurt when the monkey becomes sexually mature. If you do put them together, always ensure that your Hobbit has somewhere to hide like a gutter to escape the clutches of a grumpy chimp.
  • Hobbits develop strange sexual behaviour such as spraying, biting or producing pungent smelling urine.  
  • If you want to stop your Hobbit breeding, castrate him at an early age. This will also prevent aggression, but be aware that neutered Hobbits are more prone to obesity as they grow older, so care must be taken not to allow overeating.
  • It is vital that you handle your new Hobbit from time to time to see if he’s alive.
  • Sometimes give your Hobbit a bit more stimulation to prevent aggression – try rubbing his belly
  • Be patient and persevere with your Hobbit, he won’t live forever.
06
Feb
09

Twat of The Week

This week’s Twat of The Week Award was a close run thing with two of the borough’s largest egos going head to head.

The contenders were:

Papa John Szymanski - editor of the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine.

He tried to con the people of Hebburn and Jarrow into believing that his local evening loo paper cares about them. After months of planning, he’s come up with a novel way of woeing his readers back – he’s given them their own website. But he’s left out the fact that he was the man behind the decision to stop publishing a Jarrow and Hebburn edition of the Gazette in the first place.

The Fat Mackem Hobbit – South Tyneside’s all seeing eye.

Known as Mr Ego and disparagingly called Inspector Clouseauless by his ‘mates’, this individual’s knowledge of all things South Tyneside is second to none – or so he claims.

He’s spent all his life in South Tyneside, taking pictures, exploring every hidden street and travelling to and from B & Q on Secretan Way, off Station Rd (opposite Tedco) were he spent the latter part of his working his life mixing paint.

You would expect his geographical knowledge to match his ego.

Earlier in the week he claimed to have found Mr Monkey’s secret lair, apparently the chimp has been hiding out at STCentral TV’s studios on River Drive. He also reckons that the owners of the company would have received a “knock or two from their Independent Councillor over the past two year’s”.

'Twat of The Week'

'Twat of The Week'

Having considered both candidates submissions carefully Mr Monkey has decided to award this week’s Twat of The Week Award to The Fat Mackem Hobbit and this is why:

  • STCentral TV is not based on River Drive but at  Tedco Business Works, Henry Robson Way, off Station Rd (opposite B & Q), you’ve passed it for years you fuckwit and there’s only been an Independent councillor in this area for 9 months and not 2 years.

As for Papa John Szyamanski, he can bet his last sausage roll on the fact that he’ll pick up the award sometime soon.

24
Jan
09

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to all the closet racists hiding out there in the Shire blogsphere. 

19
Jan
09

The Week Ahead

The week ahead will go down in history as one of the momentous of our time

It’s the week when: 

George W Bush is consigned to the history books and will be remembered as the worst US President ever
Barack Obama becomes the first African American President of America
Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown saddles future generations with yet more debt
Kaka joins Manchester City and becomes the first £100 million pound footballer
Mr Monkey’s Blog reaches the 100,000 hits milestone in record time
The long awaited list of ‘Monkey Suspects’ is published
Graham Glitter aka Curly has an ape free day and doesn’t post or comment about the borough’s premier blogger Mr Monkey
The Fat Mackem Hobbit admits he’s obssesed with all things ape and that he’ll do anything to feed off Mr Monkey’s success
and David Miliband spends a day in his constituency; watch out for him on Ocean Road.

18
Jan
09

Spam

Apparently ‘Graham Glitter’ aka The Fat Mackem Hobbit over at the Shire has been banging on about censorship on Mr Monkey’s Blog.

Relax Mr Glitter there’s nothing sinister going on and this chimp has no problem with people posting whatever they want, unless it’s Glitter and his gang who Mr Monkey finds annoying; a bit like shit on his shoes.

Yesterday Mr Monkey spent the afternoon experimenting with his new WordPress dashboard especially the section on spam filtering. Mr Monkey has been swamped with spam and has received 1200+ comments, links, pingbacks and trackbacks identified as spam - and he’s had enough.

Yesterday Mr Monkey activated various options on his dashboard and unfortunately it seems some comments were identified as spam. Mr Monkey has now altered his spam filters to make sure anyone who wants to comment, can. Unless they’ve been barred.

Unlike South Tyneside Council and it’s leader Iain Malcolm Miss Piggy, Mr Monkey doesn’t believe in censorship and all comments received are now visible.

UPDATE: Don’t forget Mr Monkey is working on his list of Monkey Suspects and will be publishing it later this week.

17
Jan
09

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to the Fat Mackem Hobbit and his gang. CLICK HERE 

Since Mr Monkey barred the Hobbit it seems his lackeys have crawled out of the wood work in support of their leader. This chimp can’t be bothered with all the small talk so if you’re in the Hobbit’s gang .. you’re barred too.

13
Jan
09

YOU’RE BARRED CURLY

The sad Fat Mackem Hobbit over at the Shire seems to have an unhealthy obsession with Mr Monkey’s Blog and Mr Monkey reckons this has something to do with the demise of his own blog.

Ever since Mr Monkey published his stats for December the Hobbit has been desperately trying to link his posts and comments to Mr Monkey’s Blog in a last ditched attempt to win back some of his readers. It now seems that following the Hobbit’s stupid comments about the number of readers Mr Monkey’s Blog attracts and his childish comments about people that leave comments on this blog, the Hobbit remains coy about his own stats.

Despite Mr Monkey asking the Hobbit to publish his December screen-grab it seems the Fat Mackem Hobbit is very reluctantto confirm what the world already knows – he’s a spent force in the blogging world and now plays second fiddle to Mr Monkey’s Blog.

Mr Monkey doesn’t intend to waste anymore of his his precious time trying to keep the Hobbit from committing suicide so as of now the Hobbit is barred from this site – at least until he publishes his screen-grab.




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