Archive for the 'Humour' Category

16
Jul
09

beer money

Mr Monkey came across this poster in the toilet at the Fountain last weekend.

It probably explains the sudden disappearance of council leader Iain ‘piggy’ Malcolm.

"am I only worth 25 fucking dollars, that would'nt even buy my hair dye"

"am I only worth 25 fucking dollars, that would'nt even buy my hair dye"

14
Jul
09

especially for the chuckle brothers

After last week’s false alarm when the Chuckle Brothers, aka councillors Ed and Iain Malcolm thought they’d discovered Mr Monkey’s whereabouts CLICK HERE this chimp reckons they deserve a consolation prize.

So come on boys try your hand at this CLICK HERE - it’s the closest you’ll ever come to catching this ape.

27
Jan
09

TWAT OF THE WEEK

‘TWAT OF THE WEEK’

"I wish I was in King Street. It's a lovely shopping area and I go down there quite often to visit the bank and stores, but only for the cameras you understand. Do you really think I’d swap Harrods for BM Bargains?"

"I wish I was in King Street. It's a lovely shopping area and I go down there quite often to visit the bank and stores, but only for the cameras you understand. But I would'nt swap Harrods for BM Bargains?"

Mr Monkey has introduced a new weekly feature called ‘Twat of the Week’. 

It’s very simple; Mr Monkey will decide which public figure – in or connected to South Tyneside – has made a twat of themselves on camera. He will then post the winning picture on Mr Monkey’s Blog for all the world to see.

Mr Monkey is pleased to announce that the first ‘Twat of the Week’ award goes to the Foreign Secretary and MP for South Shields, David Miliband aka brains – unfortunately he seems to have left them in Colman’s when this picture was taken.

11
Jan
09

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to the ‘Gang of Three’ desperado’s who’ll do anything to become MPs.
CLICK HERE and find out what really drives these greedy fuckwits and it hasn’t got anything to do with helping the public.

21
Dec
08

Monkey Clip

As it’s nearly Christmas Mr Monkey thought it’s time he showed a little bit of Christmas spirit so he’s dedicating this week’s Monkey Clip to Council Leader Iain Malcolm – a man in denial.

CLICK HERE and enjoy.

20
Dec
08

Sock and Awe – Part 2

On Thursday Mr Monkey brought you the Sock and Awe game where bloggers can follow in the footsteps of the Iraqi Journalist who had the balls to throw his shoes at George W Bush.

Judging by the massive response to this post; nearly 2000 page hits in less than 48 hours, Mr Monkey’s reckons you are either a sick lot or you’d liked to have hit the war mongering bastard yourself.

The Iraqi shoe throwing incident has led to ‘A Coalition of Shoe Throwers’. The Germans have now also developed their own version of the game where shoe throwers simply click on the shoe and try and hit Bush as many times as they can in 50 seconds, and there’s even a league table of top scorers.

Give it a go by CLICKING HERE.

08
Dec
08

It’s Good To Share ..

Apparently Council Leader Iain Malcolm is concerned about the wellbeing of some of his personal associates, who complained that they were uncomfortable using the men’s toilets.

He’s appointed a group of consultants to look at the problem and is now studying their findings and recommendations.

Early indications are that he is impressed by the report submitted by the University of Manchester and is keen to adopt it’s recommendations, which include spending thousands on “de-gendered” toilets.

Temporary signs have already been erected (can I say erected?) which now make the “ladies” simply “toilets”, while the “gents” have become “toilets with urinals”.

Councillor Iain Malcolm said,

“these changes are needed to tackle both gender-phobia and trans-phobia. We are a four star council and a beacon authority but we’ve failed to address this issue. It’s right and proper that those born with a gender imbalance have the right to use whichever toilet they want”.

Councillor Scorer who came to terms with his sexuality many years ago and who is affectionately referred to as Cissie said’

If you were born female, still present quite feminine, but define as a man you should be able to go into the men’s toilets – if that’s how you define. You don’t necessarily have had to have gender reassignment surgery, but you could just define yourself as a man, feel very masculine in yourself, feel that in fact being a woman is not who you are”

So in the true tradition of council spin and Miss Piggy speak, this latest leadership initiative is as clear as mud!

02
Dec
08

The Slim Mackem Hobbit!

The Fat Mackem Hobbit over at the corner shop has not been too well over the weekend. Mr Monkey sends his best wishes to the Hobbit and wishes him a speedy recovery.

Seems Mr Hobbit”s has set himself a new goal – he wants to be known as the Slim Mackem Hobbit.

If you’re serious about changing you’re lifestyle keep out of the Pomodoro on Stanhope Rd and leave the Greggs sausage rolls and pasties to councillor Iain Malcolm’s lackey, Papa John Szymanski.

21
Nov
08

Mistress Irene Faces Competition

"Iain how many times do I have to tell you I'm in charge"

"Iain I won't tell you again I'm in charge and you'll do as I command"

South Tyneside’s head dominatrix Chief Executive, ‘Mistress’ Irene Lucas faces competition from one of her own in the race to secure the top job at Sunderland City Council.

Seems Mistress Irene is not the only one who desperately wants to leave South Tynside and sources close to the leadership of Sunderland Council have told Mr Monkey that they have received two applications from South Tyneside.

Last week Tribal Resourcing who Sunderland City Council are using as their recruitment advisers interviewed  all applicants including the ‘South Tyneside Two’ to verify details etc. They have now drawn up a short list and the successful applicants have been invited to attend a two day assessment exercise which will be held next week.

Those applicants that make it through the assessment will make the final shortlist and will be interviewed by the Personnel Committee week beginning 8th December. Full Council will then be asked to ratify the appointment on 28th January.

Mr Monkey reckons Mistress Irene will be fucked off when she learns the identity of her competitor especially as she was responsible for his/her recruitment in the first place; talk about being stabbed in the back.

As for the identity of your competitor - it shouldn’t be too difficult to work out – just find out who’s been taking odd days off over the last couple of weeks, and if you’ve both made it through to the assessment stage you’ll come face to face with each other anyhow.

But don’t worry Mistress Irene, Mr Monkey has been told who the preferred candidate is and neither of the ‘South Tyneside Two’ have more than an outside chance.

08
Nov
08

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to councillor Iain Malcolm aka ‘Miss Piggy’ and the Chief Executive of South Tyneside Council, Irene Lucas – we all know how much they love each other! CLICK HERE.




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