Archive for the 'Makeover' Category

27
May
09

twinkle toes

Mr Monkey popped into his local for a swift one last night and caught a glimpse of Britains Got Talent – seems the whole country is obsessed with reality tv shows.

This chimp couldn’t help noticing that one of last night’s semi finalist – a brother and sister team – looked as though they came straight from the set of Strictly Come Dancing as they performed a high octane ballroom dancing routine.

Mr Monkey mentioned that he thought it was a shame that more people did’nt take up ballroom dancing and to his surprise a number of locals admitted that they were taking lessons and that they’d been on a waiting list for several months before the could join a class.

What Mr Monkey heard next had this chimp falling about in fits of laughter and he almost choked on his beer.

Apparently councillor Ed Malcolm, aka ‘Big’ Ed and his long term slapper lover councillor Olive Punchion, aka Aunt Sally have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for several months and they’re still crap at it.

Mr Monkey reckons councillor Malcolm’s desire to become the belle off the ball may stem from his childhood fascination with dressing up dolls. Either that or he intends to marry Aunt Sally and wants to surprise his guests when the odd ‘happy couple’ perform the first dance.

The thought of Ed and Olive strutting their stuff on their wedding day is enough to give anyone a nightmare.

Imagine Aunt Sally, the 80 year old scarecrow clinging onto ‘Big’ Ed, the 4ft dwarf for all she’s worth? And what about Big Ed hugging Aunt Sally in a motherly embrace for comfort and security, and to stop him falling over – it’s a good job she’s past lactating or he’d be suckling her too.

But don’t worry Ed, whatever happens this chimp will be there to witness your big day, you have little choice but to invite him!

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15
Jan
09

McCabe Gets A Grandad Makeover

'Everyones favourite Grandad, councillor John McCabe'

'Everyones favourite Grandad, councillor John McCabe'

Labour’s obsession with spin and image seems to have finally reached Hebburn.

If the latest pictures of councillor McCabe in his Val Doonican look-alike jumpers and grandad cardigans are anything to go by, councillor McCabe seems to have had a Labour makeover and is now being portrayed as everyone’s favourite grandad figure – he’s even been given the grey look.

Councillor McCabe has always had a reputation for having a bit of a short fuse and reckons he’s a bit of a hard man; some of his Labour colleagues call him phsyco. This may also explain the allegations of domestic violence and why his wife has now divorced him.

Mr Monkey has learned that councillor Iain Malcolm is scared shit-less of councillor McCabe and feels the only way to control him is to keep him on his side. But he’s also worried that the the image of one of his lackeys in a Stella stained string vest will not go down well with voters and has decided it’s time to soften his image with a grandad makeover.

What next, councillor Spraggon to get a personality?