Archive for the 'Mr Monkey' Category



16
Jul
09

beer money

Mr Monkey came across this poster in the toilet at the Fountain last weekend.

It probably explains the sudden disappearance of council leader Iain ‘piggy’ Malcolm.

"am I only worth 25 fucking dollars, that would'nt even buy my hair dye"

"am I only worth 25 fucking dollars, that would'nt even buy my hair dye"

14
Jul
09

especially for the chuckle brothers

After last week’s false alarm when the Chuckle Brothers, aka councillors Ed and Iain Malcolm thought they’d discovered Mr Monkey’s whereabouts CLICK HERE this chimp reckons they deserve a consolation prize.

So come on boys try your hand at this CLICK HERE – it’s the closest you’ll ever come to catching this ape.

13
Jul
09

mcatominey in another drunken incident

Seems Labour councillor Eddie  ‘hic’ McAtominey may have fucked up again after hitting the bottle early on Friday morning.

This time he verbally abused someone delivering leaflets in Sullivan Walk, Hebburn around 10.30am on Friday. Apparently Steady Eddie flew into a drunken rage when he received a copy of the Indy Alliance’s borough wide newsletter and started shouting insults at the person delivering it.

Shortly after this incident he received a visit from the distribution company to discuss his abusive comments and instead of showing remorse he just repeated his drunken abuse – only this time they were recorded.

Mr Monkey has been told that councillor McAtominey will be reported to the Standards Board of England, Labour North and the police for his disgraceful behaviour, not that this fuckwit gives a damn .. but his wife and fellow councillor Nancy Maxwell might.

06
Jul
09

how to recognise a coke head

Whether snorted, eaten, injected or smoked, cocaine is potentially deadly and no one can predict a fatal dose. Here are some perils of long-term, unresolved cocaine addiction and even short-term abuse in some cases.

  • Necrosis in nasal tissue. Snorted cocaine causes constriction of blood vessels; too much constriction means that tissue is being deprived of oxygen, which can lead to cell death.
  • Seizure.
  • Arrhythmia, heart attack and stroke. Cocaine puts an enormous burden on your cardiovascular system, dramatically elevating a user’s heart rate. Even recovered addicts face a likelihood of heart attack seven times higher than the average person. Risk of heart attack is substantially more elevated in the hours after taking a dose of cocaine.
  • Respiratory failure.
  • Kidney damage failure.
  • Serious infection or contraction of HIV/AIDS from contaminated needles.
  • Circulatory embolism from insoluble elements cutting the injected cocaine.

Cocaine is seen by many especially wannabe high flyers – as a hip, glamorous drug but true addicts are not burdened by those delusions, as they desperately focused on how to score their next fix.

Here are some ways to recognize cocaine addiction.

Constantly runny nose. Snorting cocaine can lead to rhinitis, a fancy term for the inflammation of the nasal membranes. Consequently, people who snort cocaine often have an uncontrollably runny nose. In addition to runniness, addicts often suffer nosebleeds or even a loss of their sense of smell.

Pronounced fluctuations in mood and energy levels. When high on cocaine, an addict experiences a rush characterized by hyperactive tendencies, euphoria (as mentioned above), fidgetiness and elevated heart rate. Cocaine highs produce these effects in varying length and amplitude, depending upon how the cocaine is ingested.

But cocaine abuse physically alters the brain’s ability to register pleasure by any other means than gradually escalating doses of the drug. Inevitably, the high gives way to an equally powerful low, characterized by irritability, lethargy and depression.

Sleeping problems. Cocaine addiction can lead to insomnia or oversleeping.

Paranoia and psychosis. Chronic abuse of cocaine can cause the user to become paranoid and anxiety-ridden or even spiral into hallucination and psychotic episodes.

Sexual clues. Cocaine users often report heightened libido, but cocaine abuse can also cause erectile dysfunction and impotence.

Grinding teeth. There’s even a term for compulsive tooth grinding – “bruxism.” This nervous tendency is a common consequence of smoking cocaine.

Short breath. Someone who smokes crack may suffer from shortness of breath due to lung damage from the smoke. No matter how it is ingested, cocaine raises your heart rate enough that, to keep enough oxygen pumping through the veins, a person often feels shortness of breath.

Hot and cold flashes. Cocaine abuse compromises our ability to regulate body temperature.

Weight loss. Cocaine acts as an appetite suppressant, to such an extent that some addicts ultimately suffer from malnutrition.

Needle tracks. A cocaine addict who injects the drug intravenously typically has a track of needle pricks visible on the forearm. Addicts often resort to wearing long-sleeved shirts even on ridiculously hot days in their efforts to hide the evidence of their cocaine addiction.

These observable characteristics do not necessarily indicate addiction to cocaine, but where several of the observations can be made, cocaine addiction is a distinct possibility. Successful treatment is an individualised process, but the first step is identifying the problem and encouraging the addict to find help.

Mr Monkey wonders if bloggers recognise any of the above signs, in thier local councillor perhaps?

04
Jul
09

city whiz kid or a mammy’s boy?

Mr Monkey has noticed that the King of Sleaze, David Potts behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic and that his nose is slowly changing shape.

Several weeks ago this chimp asked a source close to Pudgy Face to listen carefully to the way he talks – he wanted to know how often he spoke through his nose. Mr Monkey also wanted to know how frequently he blows his nose and whether the rumours about him always having a runny nose were true.

For sometime Mr Monkey has been concerned about councillor Potts health, especially his drink problem. But now this chimp is wondering whether Tory Boy’s erratic behaviour can be explained by some other type of addiction.

The King of Sleaze tries to portray himself as a financial whiz kid and judging by his Twitter he fancies himself as a hard nose city boy.

Unfortunately he’s too lazy to get of his arse and move to where the real action or is he worried about being exposed as a fraud?

As well as his normal outlet for spouting his shite, he’s now using Twitter to to con us into believing that it all happens in the Red Lion Boldon.

He talks about flash restaurants, parties, quayside apartments, saunas and wild holidays. But strangely there’s no mention of fast cars, something that’s synonymous with succesful city traders.

Could this have something to do with the fact that he no longer drives after being caught using his dad’s car before he was old enough to get a licence?

Despite all his fancy talk, what Tory Boy doesn’t tell you is that being a ‘high flyer’ means you have to live at home with your mam .. Yes at 26, Pudgy Face is still a mammy’s boy!

Coming soon … the dangerous side effects of cocaine.

02
Jul
09

local conservatives party at your expense

'councillor Milburn consoles his leader after news broke that councillor Gibson got away with more expenses than he did'

'councillor Milburn consoles his leader after news broke that councillor Gibson got away with more expenses than he did'

Over the last couple of days Mr Monkey has been having another look at the expenses claims of Laurel and Hardy, the comedy duo who represent the Cleadon and East Boldon Ward, councillors Potts and Milburn.

Armed only with a diary, a calculator and a list of council committee meetings, Mr Monkey has come to the conclusion that Laurel and Hardy have been having a very fine time at the behest of the public purse. Readers will remember that Mr Monkey revealed Dumb and Dumber’s excessive expense claims in a previous post CLICK HERE

The King of Sleaze David Potts accumulated £3116.81 whilst attending the Local Government Association’s “Environment Board”, travelling up and down to London (with the odd overnight stop) via first class rail travel. Over £800 was pocketed claimed largely without the production of any receipts.

Likewise, councillor Milburn the Cleadon Plonky managed to rack up £3129.85, this time via the Local Government Associations “Strategy and Finance Board”. Not to miss out on any free money, £300 was paid out with no proof that it had actually been spent.

Those of you who frequent this site on a regular basis will not be surprised by these figures – councillor Potts has always been top of the class when it comes to sponging a publicly funded jaunt to London, a free bed for the night and a slap up meal to boot. Clearly, he has also created Milburn in his own image, indeed they both love nothing more than a good feed at the pig’s trough at the public’s expense of course. 

Whilst their greed may be galling, it’s surpassed by their total disregard for the people who elected them. Over a period of 6 consecutive LGA Environment Board meetings, cpunillor Potts never missed one of them. When it comes to 6 Community Area Forum meetings (the life blood of the councillor/electorate structure) all held within a couple of days of Potts’ trips to London, he managed to attend a grand total of ……0, zero, nil, zilch, none.

Councillor Milburn’s record is equally contemptible. 4 of his LGA Strategy and Finance Board meetings fell on the same day as his local CAF’s – Milburn chose to go to London on all four occasions, spending £1381 instead of representing those who elected him. Over the Council committee period 2008/2009, the 3 stooges – Conservative councillors for Cleadon and East Boldon (lets not forget the Donald Wood) – never managed to attend a CAF meeting as a trio. Pudgy Face Potts didn’t even manage to get his rather ample backside to one meeting, such is his laziness and contempt for the electorate.

So there you have it. When it comes to representing their communities, councillors David Potts and Jeffrey Milburn could not care less and would rather have a free couple of days in London, all paid for from the public purse.

Mr Monkey has this message for all you doubters out there … when you’re sitting in The Cottage or The Red Lion listening to the whines emanating from the mouths of Potts and Milburn as to how their reputations have been besmirched by The Monkey, remind them that all this information has been gleaned from the Councils own internet site. It’s free to use and free to see – the devil is in the detail, however, the devil is never in The Gazette!

30
Jun
09

comment moderation on until 9pm tomorrow

Mr Monkey has received a request to apply comment moderation. Being the obliging chimp that he is, comment moderation has now been switched on until 9pm on Wednesday night.