Archive for the 'Newcastle Chronicle' Category


twat of the week

'Twat of the Week .. again'

'Twat of the Week .. again'

There’s only one contender for the Twat of the Week award and that’s Papa John Szymanski, the Labour party lackey who moonlights as the editor of the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine.

According to this post CLICK HERE he did’nt take kindly to being told the truth about his unhealthy relationship with Labour council leader, Iain Malcolm, aka Miss Piggy. 

Papa John ignored his own senior management, preferring instead to seek the advice of alleged election fraudster councillor Iain Malcolm. Apparently he told him to use the council’s code of conduct to lodge a formal complaint against the author of the article.

Unfortunately Papa John didn’t think of the consequences of his actions and in his desperation to stop any criticism he’s allowed the Shields Gazette to become the biggest joke in the North East, whilst at the same time he has become a figure of ridicule within his profession.

Congratulations Mr Szymanski with poor judgement like this, you deserve the titleTwat of the Week and perhaps it’s time your other employer, Johnston Press took decisive action against you.


April Fool

'Mr Dumpy the sauasge roll loving cretin'

'Mr Dumpy the sausage roll loving cretin'

When Mr Monkey read this shite CLICK HERE about the editor of the Gazette, Papa John Szymanski, aka Mr Dumpy, the first thing he did was check the date; it wasn’t April 1st was it?

Mr Monkey’s not sure what the region’s editors were thinking of when they ‘appointed’ this sausage roll loving cretin as the chair of the Northern region of the Society of Editors, although he’s now been told by an insider working for the Trinity Mirror group that Papa John was the only twat to put himself forward. 

No wonder the sour faced cunt with five chins got the job!

Apparently when Papa John accepted the post he was given a ceremonial miner’s lamp so he can find his way further up Iain Malcolm’s arse and he promptly embarrassed himself by trying to eat it – he thought it was some kind of novelty sausage roll.

During his acceptance speech, Papa John read out a statement from his paymaster Iain Malcolm said,

“I am honoured to accept this position in what is a challenging time for the media. A free Press is essential to any democracy and I will strive to ensure the Society does its utmost to protect the freedom of all sectors of the media to report on behalf of the public.”

What he meant to say was,

“I am honoured to accept this position on behalf of my paymaster councillor Iain Malcolm, the leader of South Tyneside Council in what is a challenging time for him as the 2010 elections approach. The Press must be at the beck and call of it’s paymasters and democracy means nothing unless we do as we are told. I will strive to ensure the Society does its utmost to protect Labour in the North East and will ensure all sectors of the media only report the news our paymasters want us to as we cannot afford to tell the public the truth”.

Mr Monkey has been told that the Society recognises the universal right to freedom of expression, the importance of the vitality of the news media in a democratic society, and the promotion of Press and broadcasting freedom and the public right to know.

But all this is about to change under the leadership of Iain Malcolm Mr Dumpy, aka Papa John Szymanski especially if the Gazette is anything to go by.


Miliband Set To Cheat on Colmans

South Shields stay away MP David Miliband the self confessed potato head whose renowned for his love of chips is widely believed to be planning a surprise visit to Westerhope this weekend to taste the best chips in the North East.

Readers of this blog will know that ‘Chips’ Miliband has a cosy relationship with Colmans fish and chip shop on Ocean Road. Apparently it’s down to the batter and has nothing to do with the owner, Richard Ord’s generosity towards the local Labour party.

"and the chips ain't bad too"

"and the chips ain't bad too"

It seems that Mr Miliband’s love of chips has got the better of him and he’s planning a sneaky trip to Gormans @ Westerhope – sorry David but your secret is out. 

This family-run fish and chip shop on Redburn industrial estate, Westerhope, Newcastle, beat thousands of contenders to win an award for the standard of its chips and has been named the North East’s Perfect Portion winner during National Chip Week.

Unlike Colmans recent award, where Richard Ord had to charm a panel of judges, Gormans award was based on what the public think.

With praise like this it’s no wonder ‘Chips’ Miliband has been tempted to cheat on Colmans.


Is It Worth Advertising In The Gazette?

"Don't waste your money"

"Don't waste your money"

The credit crunch has got many local businesses thinking about value for money and cost savings especially when it comes to advertising.

Mr Monkey has been carrying out some research in to how effective newspaper advertising really is. There’s a theory that the more local a newspaper the less effective the advertising because local people already know about businesses in their area and in most cases readers simply skip over the ad pages without paying any attention to them – in effect they ignore what they already know.

The advent of the internet has enabled thousands of businesses to market themselves to a worldwide audience at very little cost. In today’s digital world businesses can establish an on-line presence for just a few pounds and can potentially reach an audience of billions. Unlike newspapers where you have to pay for an advert everytme it appears, a web presence, once established is as permanent as you want it to be – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and everyday of the year – now that’s got to be value for money.

With this type of competition to content with it’s no wonder newspapers are struggling to keep both their readers and advertisers. Virtually every newspaper is rapidly losing it’s readership, circulation figures are plummeting and advertising revenues are falling.

A closer examination of the circulation figures reveals a very different picture to the one newspaper advertising staff try to portray. Potential advertisers are told how successful newspaper advertising is and how many people an ad will reach but as with most things, especially at the Gazette everything is not what it seems.

The Audit Bureau of Circulations provides circulation, distribution and attendance data for ABC certified newspapers including the Gazette, the Sunderland Echo, the Chronicle and the Journal. This information is available on-line free of charge at and makes interesting reading.

The figures reveal that all the region’s publications are losing readers but it also shows that the Shields Gazette is very much the poor relation when it comes to sales.

The latest daily sales figures available are for the period  December 2007 to June 2008 and are:

  • The Chronicle – 71, 878
  • The Sunderland Echo – 41,153
  • The Journal – 34,370
  • The Shields Gazette – 18,152

Based on these industry approved figures it seems advertising in the Shields Gazette is a waste of money so the next time you get a telephone call from their sweet talking sales staff think long and hard before you part with your money.

Industry predictions are that newspaper sales will continue to fall and it’s widely expected that the Gazette will reveal that it’s readership has fallen to around 15,000 the next time their figures are published.

At this rate of decline, Papa John Szymanski will go down in history as the last editor of the country’s oldest provincial newspaper and the man who was responsible for the death of the Gazette. 

Still Papa John could always return to his roots by joining some worthless magazine and Mr Monkey reckons he knows exactly which one – South Tyneside council’s ON VIEW – because anyone stupid enough to buy the Gazette will recognise the similarities.