Archive for the 'Olive Punchion' Category

21
Jul
09

mr monkey calls it a day

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can go home'

'Mr Monkey calls it a day so he can return home to enjoy his retirement'

It’s been nearly a year since Mr Monkey burst on to the local political scene with the redesigned version of Mr Monkey’s Blog

.. and what a year it’s been.

This chimp had no idea of the effect his blog would have on politicians of all parties and senior council officers or the impact it would have on local politcs.

Mr Monkey quickly built up a following amongst local bloggers and within weeks, Mr Monkey’s Blog established itself as South Tyneside’s premier blog, much to the annoyance of some.

There have been many highlights during the last 12 months but Mr Monkey’s favourites are:-

  • Ending councillor David Potts political career before it started by getting him deselected as the Tory candidate to fight Alistair Darling.
  • Ensuring that the people of Washington East and Houghton knew what a devious and scheming individual Ed Malcom was. This played a major part  in his failure to become their prospective member of Parliament.
  • Exposing council leader Iain Malcolm as an election fraudster.
  • Knowing that Irene Lucas, the Chief Executive of South Tyneside Council could not control, manipulate or stop Mr Monkey and that his blog was the worst thing that happened to her in her local government career.
  • Knowing that every politician feared being exposed on Mr Monkey’s Blog and despite what they said, knowing that everyone of them read it daily.
  • Exposing Ed Malcolm’s long term affair with his ‘granny’, aka councillor Punchion
  • ‘Outing’ Iain Malcolm.
  • Continually thwarting the attempts of senior council officials to stop Mr Monkey’s Blog and reveal the identity of Mr Monkey.
  • Frustrating South Tyneside’s most self opinionated blogger, the Fat Mackem Hobitt.
  • Exposing Papa John Szymanski, editor of the local Malcolm Fanzine, aka the Shields Gazette as a Labour groupie, freeloader and that he sold his soul to Labour for the price of a sausage roll.
  • Knowing that all the pseudonyms Mr Monkey has used will be around for years to come.

After achieving every goal Mr Monkey set himself – in record time – this chimp has decided to give his victims an early birthday present – Mr Monkey is going to call it a day on Thursday 30th July.

Mr Monkey has spent the last couple of months agonising over whether or not to retire and after talking it over with a few wiser chimps, he’s decided to take their advice and return to the jungle to enjoy his retirement and spend more time with his family.

Although Mr Monkey has decided to call it a day, he hasn’t yet made up his mind about whether to leave Mr Monkey’s Blog on the internet for future generations to enjoy or whether to remove it forever – that decision will be made on International Primate Day.

Make sure you stop by on Tuesday 1st September .. when all will be revealed.

27
May
09

twinkle toes

Mr Monkey popped into his local for a swift one last night and caught a glimpse of Britains Got Talent – seems the whole country is obsessed with reality tv shows.

This chimp couldn’t help noticing that one of last night’s semi finalist – a brother and sister team – looked as though they came straight from the set of Strictly Come Dancing as they performed a high octane ballroom dancing routine.

Mr Monkey mentioned that he thought it was a shame that more people did’nt take up ballroom dancing and to his surprise a number of locals admitted that they were taking lessons and that they’d been on a waiting list for several months before the could join a class.

What Mr Monkey heard next had this chimp falling about in fits of laughter and he almost choked on his beer.

Apparently councillor Ed Malcolm, aka ‘Big’ Ed and his long term slapper lover councillor Olive Punchion, aka Aunt Sally have been taking ballroom dancing lessons for several months and they’re still crap at it.

Mr Monkey reckons councillor Malcolm’s desire to become the belle off the ball may stem from his childhood fascination with dressing up dolls. Either that or he intends to marry Aunt Sally and wants to surprise his guests when the odd ‘happy couple’ perform the first dance.

The thought of Ed and Olive strutting their stuff on their wedding day is enough to give anyone a nightmare.

Imagine Aunt Sally, the 80 year old scarecrow clinging onto ‘Big’ Ed, the 4ft dwarf for all she’s worth? And what about Big Ed hugging Aunt Sally in a motherly embrace for comfort and security, and to stop him falling over – it’s a good job she’s past lactating or he’d be suckling her too.

But don’t worry Ed, whatever happens this chimp will be there to witness your big day, you have little choice but to invite him!

25
May
09

deputy mayor, councillor Tom Piggott will step down in 2010

Earlier this week Mr Monkey told bloggers that he was following up a story about the new deputy mayor, councillor Tom Piggot. CLICK HERE.

Mr Monkey can now reveal that councillor Piggott the current deputy mayor has been persuaded to step down in late February to make way for Joyce Welsh.

Councillor Malcolm has been grooming Joyce Welsh for several years and is seen by him as a major player in his attempt to keep the Independents out of Biddick Hall. He has recently put her in charge of the women’s group of the local Labour party, appointed her as a school governor and has put her on several outside bodies where she represents the council.

There’s only one problem – his brother Ed Malcolm’s long term mistress councillor Olive Punchion is due for re-election in 2010 and she has no intention of standing down, especially to make way for a usurper.

Mr Monkey has now learned that councillor Piggott will retire on ill health grounds just before the deadline for nominations in 2010. This will allow Iain Malcolm to impose Joyce Welsh on the ward without the need to follow the selection process.

He has told his close associates that his plan would also catch the Independents off guard as they would not have enough time to find a second candidate – that was until Mr Monkey revealed his plan to the world.

04
Mar
09

EXclusive: Gollum and Aunt Sally’s ‘love’ hideawy revealed

'Councillors Ed Malcolm and Olive Punchion's weekend love nest'

'Councillors Ed Malcolm and Olive Punchion's weekend love nest'

The Gollum of South Tyneside politics, councillor Ed Malcolm has had a tough few weeks preparing for his big day, presenting the council’s budget.

A source close to Gollum has told Mr Monkey that as budget day approached his nerves were in tatters and he resorted to medication to calm himself down, but whatever he took didn’t stop him making a twat of himself and fluffing his lines.

Apparently on one occasion Aunt Sally, aka Olive Punchion – who spent years cheating on her husband to get in to Gollum’s nappy pants – came to his rescue by bringing him a glass of water. That made things worse as he lost his concentration and started stuttering his lines.

Mr Monkey has learned that Gollum and his scarecrow, Aunt Sally decided that after a difficult few weeks it was time to get away from it all and recharge their batteries in a plush and intimate location.

This chimp can exclusively reveal that the ‘odd couple’ spent  last weekend at one of their favourite hideaways – The Royal County hotel in Durham.

A quick look at the Marriott Hotel website confirms that Gollum, aka councillor Ed Malcolm and Aunt Sally, aka councillor Olive Punchion enjoy living it up in these difficult economic times, apparently rooms start at around £130 a night.

Mr Monkey wonders what the hard pressed people of Biddick Hall and Simonside and Rekendyke will make of this?

01
Mar
09

Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to councillor ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm who made a total fuck up of presenting Labour’s budget proposals at Thursday’s full council meeting.

Apparently he struggled to get his words out and was thrown off his stride when Aunt Sally, aka Olive Punchion his long term slapper brought him a glass of water.

26
Feb
09

Aunt Sally Speaks!

'Aunt Sally scares anyone but Big Ed Malcolm'

'Aunt Sally scares anyone but Big Ed Malcolm'

Big Ed Malcolm’s scarecrow councillor Olive Punchion, aka Aunt Sally is not the dumb bitch she’s made out to be. At least that’s what the council’s press office would like you to think. 

According to this article that appears in the local snooze paper CLICK HERE Biddick Hall, Whiteleas and West Harton is the latest area to get its own Police and Community Together (Pact) forum and Aunt Sally had this to say,

“The council works closely with the police and other partners to tackle crime and anti-social behaviour, but we can achieve nothing without the involvement of those who matter the most – local residents.” 

Anyone who knows Aunt Sally will tell you that this crap cannot have originated in her favourite cornfield (more of this later) because the old scarecrow is just not capable of churning out such words of wisdom.
Thank heavens for the council’s press office, the local Labour party would be lost without it. 
11
Jan
09

Wannabee MPs – The Gang Of Three

South Tyneside has it’s fair share of wannabee MPs so Mr Monkey thought he’d take a closer look at the ‘Gang of Three’.

*Ed Malcolm – aka ‘Big Ed’. This Labour councillor and brother of council leader Iain Malcolm is currently trying to con his way into Fraser Kemp’s old seat in Houghton and Washington East.
Big Ed is known as a bit of a womaniser and has a fetish for women old enough to be his granny. He has a reputation for being the tightest man in South Tyneside; he doesn’t just squeak when he walks, he screams.

*Iain Malcolm – aka ‘Miss Piggy’. Iain is the Labour leader of South Tynside Council and is never far from political controversy. He was seen as David Clarke’s successor but Tony Blair was having none of it and parachuted David Miliband into the seat instead.
He was to seek the nomination in Houghton and Washington East (before his brother) but after being incriminated in the ‘Great Newcastle Airport Giveaway’ controversy where he allowed payments of more than £8 million pounds to be paid to 2 former directors to go unchallenged he thought better of it.

*Together, the Malcolm’s are known as the Chuckle Brothers.

David Potts – aka The King of Sleaze. Pudgy Face and Tory Boy. Calls himself leader of the Conservatives on South Tyneside Council, but there’s only 3 of them including him. He stood in the Scottish Parliamentary elections and failed to make any inroads. His efforts got him noticed and he was selected as the Conservative candidate to challenge the Chancellor, Alastair Darling for his Edinburgh seat.
Following revelations by Mr Monkey about his heavy drinking, abuse of position and womanising he was to be deselected by the party. He claimed to have resigned because of his father’s ill health (he lives with his mum) and wanted to devote more time to fighting the BNP. Apparently he also failed to consistentlycampaign in the constituency and was not well liked by party members who thought that he was self opinionated and arrogant.

Mr Monkey reckons it will be interesting to see which one of these makes it to Westminster first or is there someone else who might beat them to it .. Michael Clare for instance?

03
Jan
09

Anne and Ed – Just Good Friends

'Just Good Friends'

'Anne and Ed - just good friends'

Seems the old dinosaur, councillor Olive Punchion faces a bit of competition for councillor Ed Malcolm’s affections.
 
Ever since he was 21 he’s had a fetish for older women, but after his recent holiday with Olive in America it seems that there’s old and there’s fucking ancient.
 
Ed is increasingly embarrassed by Olive and reckons that there’s more chance of Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask giving up the vodka than there is of Olive being accepted by the old miners of Houghton, Hetton and Shiney Row. And of course this wannabe MP for Houghton and Washington East can’t risk the sleaze surrounding his 30 year relationship with a married woman to surface during an election campaign.
 
Too late Ed, Mr Monkey has already sent details of your sleazy love life to senior party officials at Millbank House.
 
Ed also finds Olive a bit of a turn off – even the Viagra does fuck all. Hardly surprising when you consider Olive his approachinh her twilight years and is more interested in getting a good night’s sleep, putting on the anti wrinkle cream and pickling her teeth than sucking on Ed’s dick toes.
 
Ed’s also shitting himself that he might have to make an honest woman out of Olive now that she’s free to marry.
 
Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that Olive is on the verge of being dumped as councillor Ed Malcolm may have found love companionship elsewhere. This may explain why he’s spending less time in South Shields and more time in Shiney Row (Houghton Le Spring).
 
Apparently the new love of his life his new friend is Labour councillor Anne Hall who by chance happens to represent Shiney Row, a ward in the heart of the constituency Ed Malcolm hopes to represent; assumming he secures the Parliamentary nomination ahead of his rivals.
 
Ed is spending more and more of his free time with Anne and Mr Monkey can confirm that Ed is wooing Anne by wining and dining her at intimate and romantic venues – this chimp recently saw the happy couple in a restuarnt and they only had eyes for each other.
 
Mr Monkey urges Anne to be cautious in her dealings with Ed as he’s probably using her to secure the nomination and then she’ll go the way of Olive and will be left feeling used and abused.
 
If bloggers would like to know more about Ed’s new friend CLICK HERE.
31
Dec
08

Wannabe Labour MP For Houghton and Washington East, Ed Malcolm and The Ryhope Pigeon Crees.

Senior South Tyneside councillor Ed Malcolm, the brother of council leader Iain Malcolm seems to think he’s got the Labour nomination for the Parliamentary constituency of Houghton and Washington East all sewn up – the seat is traditionally classed as a safe Labour one and will be vacated at the next election by sitting Labour MP, Fraser Kemp.

Sorry Ed  but that might have been the case until Mr Monkey came along.

This chimp has been busy over the festive period and will shortly be uploading a post that will ruffle a few feathers in the racing pigeon fraternity – especially in Ryhope.

What Mr Monkey is about to reveal will certainly turn heads, cause anger amongst pigeon fanciers, be the talk of the pubs and clubs and is almost certain to put an end to any chance you may have had of securing the nomination for your brother self.

Mr Monkey has already ended the Parliamentary ambitions of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts and you are about to become the join him on the political scrap heap – courtesy of Mr Monkey of course.

Bloggers are advised to keep a close eye on Mr Monkey’s Blog as all is about to be revealed.

Mr Monkey knows you’ve problems controlling your temper Ed, but please don’t take your anger out on Olive, her fanny can’t take it any more

Happy New Year Ed!

27
Dec
08

REVIEW OF 2008: Big Ed And His Small Feet

This post may have put paid to Ed Malcolm’s political ambitions. Apparently he’s desperate to become an MP and is currently trying to sweet talk his way into getting the nomination for the Houghton and Washington East seat which Fraser Kemp will be vacating at the next election.

Big Ed and His Small Feet ..

Whilst troupe members were busy frolicking about earlier today The Monkey noticed that some members of the troupe had bigger feet and penises than others. The Monkey wonders whether the same can be said of humans.

Apparently there is a theory that the size of an individuals feet directly correlates to they size of their penis i.e. small feet, small penis.

The Monkey recalls having a cosy chat with Coun Ed Malcolm recently during which the size of Ed’s feet left a lasting impression on The Monkey – they are so tiny The Monkey reckons he gets his footwear from the childrens section at Clarkes or perhaps even Toys R Us!

As for the other part of the theory, The Monkeyhas been unable to get Coun Olive Punchion to confirm or deny whether Ed’s penis reflects the size of his feet, however, the grin on her face suggests that the theory may be just an old wife’s tale.

Maybe this explains why married women like councillor Olive Punchion have spent year’s playing with ‘Big Ed’s’ dick toes.




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