Archive for the 'Pain' Category


councillor sectioned following sacking

'Councillor Potts cannot cope with his demons'

'Councillor Potts cannot cope with his demons'

A year ago councillor David Potts was a rising star in the Conservative party after being selected as the Conservative Parliamentary candidate to stand against the Chancellor, Alistair Darling at the next general election.

Many Scottish Conservatives reckoned that he was destined for great things and even councillor David Potts believed that he would – at the very least become a  minister in the new Conservative administration – that was until Mr Monkey revealed his antics here in South Tyneside to the world.

Within months of exposing the ‘real David Potts’ any ambitions he had to make it to Westminster were over. The Scottish Conservatives took the unusual step of effectively sacking him by removing him as their candidate and replacing him with Edinburgh councillor, Jason Rust who ironically had been pictured with David Potts on a number of occasions.

Councillor Potts found it difficult to come to terms with this rejection and his life quickly spiralled downwards.

Publicly he tried to convince the world that he had ‘resigned’ because of his father’s ill health and when it was pointed out to him by people who knew his father that this wasn’ttrue, he changed his story and claimed that the real reason he resigned was so that he could return to South Tyneside to fight the far right threat posed by the BNP.

He attended one meeting hosted by the leader of South Tyneside Council and to date no further meetings have been held.

Those close to councillor Potts feared for his safety and mental wellbeing as his behaviour became more erratic. They noticed that his drink problem had became more profound, he started to talk to imaginary beings and became increasing paranoid – he thought he was being followed by monkeys and started to see chimps everywhere.

This paranoia was coupled with depression, something he had suffered from as a child. He found it difficult to cope with and eventually retreated into his own world, he refused to answer his telephone, speak to anyone and then disappeared.

Some people thought he’d gone on holiday but Mr Monkey can now reveal that he returned to Scotland in an attempt to tackle his Edinburgh demons, but bottled it at the last minute and ended up in Glasgow.

He thought he was safe there where he could hide amongst the down and outs, tramps, alcoholics and drug addicts – that was until a jogger spotted him in the infamous Glasgow Green on the banks of the Clyde and called the police.

Apparently when the police arrived they found him unconscious on a park bench dressed in khaki shorts, a beige tshirt and a pith helmet. He was surrounded by a dozen toy monkeys, some of which had been mutilated and a fluffy chimp hanging from the tree above him in what appeared to have been a mock execution.

When the police roused him he refused to acknowledge their presence, pulled out a water pistol and started to ‘shoot’ the toy monkeys. He even tried to kiss and cuddle 2 blue monkeys which he kept referring to us Maggie and Smeagol.

At this point the police decided to ‘protect’ him and took him to the Gartnavel Royal Hospital where he was detained under section 4 of the Mental Health Act.

Mr Monkey can reveal that councillor Potts – who has a history of mental illness – is now hoping he can use his own experiences to change people’s perception of menal health and is campaigning for the law to be changed.



how to recognise a coke head

Whether snorted, eaten, injected or smoked, cocaine is potentially deadly and no one can predict a fatal dose. Here are some perils of long-term, unresolved cocaine addiction and even short-term abuse in some cases.

  • Necrosis in nasal tissue. Snorted cocaine causes constriction of blood vessels; too much constriction means that tissue is being deprived of oxygen, which can lead to cell death.
  • Seizure.
  • Arrhythmia, heart attack and stroke. Cocaine puts an enormous burden on your cardiovascular system, dramatically elevating a user’s heart rate. Even recovered addicts face a likelihood of heart attack seven times higher than the average person. Risk of heart attack is substantially more elevated in the hours after taking a dose of cocaine.
  • Respiratory failure.
  • Kidney damage failure.
  • Serious infection or contraction of HIV/AIDS from contaminated needles.
  • Circulatory embolism from insoluble elements cutting the injected cocaine.

Cocaine is seen by many especially wannabe high flyers – as a hip, glamorous drug but true addicts are not burdened by those delusions, as they desperately focused on how to score their next fix.

Here are some ways to recognize cocaine addiction.

Constantly runny nose. Snorting cocaine can lead to rhinitis, a fancy term for the inflammation of the nasal membranes. Consequently, people who snort cocaine often have an uncontrollably runny nose. In addition to runniness, addicts often suffer nosebleeds or even a loss of their sense of smell.

Pronounced fluctuations in mood and energy levels. When high on cocaine, an addict experiences a rush characterized by hyperactive tendencies, euphoria (as mentioned above), fidgetiness and elevated heart rate. Cocaine highs produce these effects in varying length and amplitude, depending upon how the cocaine is ingested.

But cocaine abuse physically alters the brain’s ability to register pleasure by any other means than gradually escalating doses of the drug. Inevitably, the high gives way to an equally powerful low, characterized by irritability, lethargy and depression.

Sleeping problems. Cocaine addiction can lead to insomnia or oversleeping.

Paranoia and psychosis. Chronic abuse of cocaine can cause the user to become paranoid and anxiety-ridden or even spiral into hallucination and psychotic episodes.

Sexual clues. Cocaine users often report heightened libido, but cocaine abuse can also cause erectile dysfunction and impotence.

Grinding teeth. There’s even a term for compulsive tooth grinding – “bruxism.” This nervous tendency is a common consequence of smoking cocaine.

Short breath. Someone who smokes crack may suffer from shortness of breath due to lung damage from the smoke. No matter how it is ingested, cocaine raises your heart rate enough that, to keep enough oxygen pumping through the veins, a person often feels shortness of breath.

Hot and cold flashes. Cocaine abuse compromises our ability to regulate body temperature.

Weight loss. Cocaine acts as an appetite suppressant, to such an extent that some addicts ultimately suffer from malnutrition.

Needle tracks. A cocaine addict who injects the drug intravenously typically has a track of needle pricks visible on the forearm. Addicts often resort to wearing long-sleeved shirts even on ridiculously hot days in their efforts to hide the evidence of their cocaine addiction.

These observable characteristics do not necessarily indicate addiction to cocaine, but where several of the observations can be made, cocaine addiction is a distinct possibility. Successful treatment is an individualised process, but the first step is identifying the problem and encouraging the addict to find help.

Mr Monkey wonders if bloggers recognise any of the above signs, in thier local councillor perhaps?


More tales from a tyne whore

Many dockside prostitutes Mr Monkey spoke to say that Filipino seamen sew little plastic beads into the shaft of their penises.

When Mr Monkey first heard this, he couldn’t believe it. But most of the ladies he spoke to whilst he was researching his book insist that it’s true and one good time girl who wishes to remain anonymous said, “oh yeah, those boys are NAUGHTY”.

Mr Monkey was curious and wanted to learn more so he asked several Filipino sailors whether it’s was true. Most nonchalantly acknowledged that it was and that it’s a fairly common practice, especially amongst the older sailors. But they say it’s dying out amongst the younger generation.

The “body modification” community calls this practise “pearling” or “genital beading” and if you want to see more click on the link at the bottom of this page 


When Mr Monkey asked several seaman why they did it, they claimed it made them feel more “manly” and more “part of the crew.”

Mr Monkey decided to find out more and asked a sailor called Quimbo, known to his shipmates as Willy how they did it?

Apparently most sailors insert their own beads by making a small incision in the shaft of their penis, they then insert a series of small silicon beads under the skin before sewing it shut and everyone Mr Monkey spoke to confirmed that it was incredibly painful – no shit Sherlock!

There are various styles but apparently most choose one of three main patterns. The first is the single bead on the top of the shaft. The second is a row of beads across the top of the penis, for maximum clitoral stimulation. The third pattern is a comprehensive cover of beads around the shaft of the penis.

So what do the dockside girls think?

Most find it a strange custom and reckon having sex with these guys is painful and some refuse no matter how much money is on offer. But when Mr Monkey asked The Whore of the Tyne what she thought, there was a twinkle in her eye and she said, “yeah, those beads add a little something extra and it’s not just money.”



Twat of The Year

Accident ... George Elsom.

'Twat of the Year'

Only someone with the political nous of slug would think that falling out of wheelie bin and cracking your collar bone would make you an environmentalist – unless your name is George Elsom.

Having just read this CLICK HERE this chimp hasn’t stopped laughing at the antics of councillor Elsom. He’s just publicly confirmed what most people already know; he’s a fucking crackpot!

And there’s Mr Monkey thinking that all the fuckwits are hiding the Green Party.

What next George, councillor Haram to turn vegan?


Arse Abuse

"Cum on Jimmy give it me harder"

"Cum on Jimmy give it me harder"

Mr Monkey decided to take a peek at the browsing history of the computer in the members lounge and was surprised to see this picture.

It seems that the Whitelees Sex Machine, councillor Ernest Gibson has been spending a bit of time browsing dating sites in a desperate attempt to find  a shag. Apparently he’s been attaching this picture of him posing in a swimming pool whilst on holiday in Majorca to some of his outgoing messages.

Looking at the message on his trunks, Mr Monkey wonders what his holiday companion, councillor Sewell was doing to the poor bastard when he was pissed – who knows – spanking Shrek’s arse might just have given Jimmy a hard on.

Be careful lads, now your secret’s out your boss might cum calling, apparently he’s paritial to a bit of arse abuse!


Mistress Irene Faces Competition

"Iain how many times do I have to tell you I'm in charge"

"Iain I won't tell you again I'm in charge and you'll do as I command"

South Tyneside’s head dominatrix Chief Executive, ‘Mistress’ Irene Lucas faces competition from one of her own in the race to secure the top job at Sunderland City Council.

Seems Mistress Irene is not the only one who desperately wants to leave South Tynside and sources close to the leadership of Sunderland Council have told Mr Monkey that they have received two applications from South Tyneside.

Last week Tribal Resourcing who Sunderland City Council are using as their recruitment advisers interviewed  all applicants including the ‘South Tyneside Two’ to verify details etc. They have now drawn up a short list and the successful applicants have been invited to attend a two day assessment exercise which will be held next week.

Those applicants that make it through the assessment will make the final shortlist and will be interviewed by the Personnel Committee week beginning 8th December. Full Council will then be asked to ratify the appointment on 28th January.

Mr Monkey reckons Mistress Irene will be fucked off when she learns the identity of her competitor especially as she was responsible for his/her recruitment in the first place; talk about being stabbed in the back.

As for the identity of your competitor – it shouldn’t be too difficult to work out – just find out who’s been taking odd days off over the last couple of weeks, and if you’ve both made it through to the assessment stage you’ll come face to face with each other anyhow.

But don’t worry Mistress Irene, Mr Monkey has been told who the preferred candidate is and neither of the ‘South Tyneside Two’ have more than an outside chance.

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