Archive for the 'Satire' Category


Miliband Set To Cheat on Colmans

South Shields stay away MP David Miliband the self confessed potato head whose renowned for his love of chips is widely believed to be planning a surprise visit to Westerhope this weekend to taste the best chips in the North East.

Readers of this blog will know that ‘Chips’ Miliband has a cosy relationship with Colmans fish and chip shop on Ocean Road. Apparently it’s down to the batter and has nothing to do with the owner, Richard Ord’s generosity towards the local Labour party.

"and the chips ain't bad too"

"and the chips ain't bad too"

It seems that Mr Miliband’s love of chips has got the better of him and he’s planning a sneaky trip to Gormans @ Westerhope – sorry David but your secret is out. 

This family-run fish and chip shop on Redburn industrial estate, Westerhope, Newcastle, beat thousands of contenders to win an award for the standard of its chips and has been named the North East’s Perfect Portion winner during National Chip Week.

Unlike Colmans recent award, where Richard Ord had to charm a panel of judges, Gormans award was based on what the public think.

With praise like this it’s no wonder ‘Chips’ Miliband has been tempted to cheat on Colmans.


Miliband Kisses Arse Stateside

"Have you heard of Colmans?"

"Have you heard of Colmans?"

South Shields MP and Foreign Secretary David Miliband is feeling smug after President Obama’s administration gave him a special treat earlier this week – he was allowed to kiss his counterpart’s Hillary Clinton’s arse before anyone else.

Apparently our special relationship with the USA is set to continue for a little while longer after Miliband’s gesture of obedience.

During their meeting Mr Miliband did his best to promote South Shields Colmans by talking about fish and chips, but as usual he put his foot in it by relying heavily on his researchers information.

Mr Monkey can reveal Hillary loves nothing better than an an olive burger which she first discovered in her college days. In 2003 the inventor renamed it the Hillary Burger after she paid a visit to her favourite Greek coffee shop.

Mr Miliband also showed Hillary a few snaps of South Tyneside’s premier shopping area, King Street and pointed out all the shops he visits regularly that are shut and invited her to join him on one of his many shopping trips to the ‘street’.

She politely declined saying Bill prefers Macy’s to Ethel Austin but she did’nt rule out a trip to Colmans.




"I wish I was in King Street. It's a lovely shopping area and I go down there quite often to visit the bank and stores, but only for the cameras you understand. Do you really think I’d swap Harrods for BM Bargains?"

"I wish I was in King Street. It's a lovely shopping area and I go down there quite often to visit the bank and stores, but only for the cameras you understand. But I would'nt swap Harrods for BM Bargains?"

Mr Monkey has introduced a new weekly feature called ‘Twat of the Week’. 

It’s very simple; Mr Monkey will decide which public figure – in or connected to South Tyneside – has made a twat of themselves on camera. He will then post the winning picture on Mr Monkey’s Blog for all the world to see.

Mr Monkey is pleased to announce that the first ‘Twat of the Week’ award goes to the Foreign Secretary and MP for South Shields, David Miliband aka brains – unfortunately he seems to have left them in Colman’s when this picture was taken.


McCabe Gets A Grandad Makeover

'Everyones favourite Grandad, councillor John McCabe'

'Everyones favourite Grandad, councillor John McCabe'

Labour’s obsession with spin and image seems to have finally reached Hebburn.

If the latest pictures of councillor McCabe in his Val Doonican look-alike jumpers and grandad cardigans are anything to go by, councillor McCabe seems to have had a Labour makeover and is now being portrayed as everyone’s favourite grandad figure – he’s even been given the grey look.

Councillor McCabe has always had a reputation for having a bit of a short fuse and reckons he’s a bit of a hard man; some of his Labour colleagues call him phsyco. This may also explain the allegations of domestic violence and why his wife has now divorced him.

Mr Monkey has learned that councillor Iain Malcolm is scared shit-less of councillor McCabe and feels the only way to control him is to keep him on his side. But he’s also worried that the the image of one of his lackeys in a Stella stained string vest will not go down well with voters and has decided it’s time to soften his image with a grandad makeover.

What next, councillor Spraggon to get a personality?


Monkey Clip

As it’s nearly Christmas Mr Monkey thought it’s time he showed a little bit of Christmas spirit so he’s dedicating this week’s Monkey Clip to Council Leader Iain Malcolm – a man in denial.

CLICK HERE and enjoy.


The Slim Mackem Hobbit!

The Fat Mackem Hobbit over at the corner shop has not been too well over the weekend. Mr Monkey sends his best wishes to the Hobbit and wishes him a speedy recovery.

Seems Mr Hobbit”s has set himself a new goal – he wants to be known as the Slim Mackem Hobbit.

If you’re serious about changing you’re lifestyle keep out of the Pomodoro on Stanhope Rd and leave the Greggs sausage rolls and pasties to councillor Iain Malcolm’s lackey, Papa John Szymanski.


Mistress Irene Faces Competition

"Iain how many times do I have to tell you I'm in charge"

"Iain I won't tell you again I'm in charge and you'll do as I command"

South Tyneside’s head dominatrix Chief Executive, ‘Mistress’ Irene Lucas faces competition from one of her own in the race to secure the top job at Sunderland City Council.

Seems Mistress Irene is not the only one who desperately wants to leave South Tynside and sources close to the leadership of Sunderland Council have told Mr Monkey that they have received two applications from South Tyneside.

Last week Tribal Resourcing who Sunderland City Council are using as their recruitment advisers interviewed  all applicants including the ‘South Tyneside Two’ to verify details etc. They have now drawn up a short list and the successful applicants have been invited to attend a two day assessment exercise which will be held next week.

Those applicants that make it through the assessment will make the final shortlist and will be interviewed by the Personnel Committee week beginning 8th December. Full Council will then be asked to ratify the appointment on 28th January.

Mr Monkey reckons Mistress Irene will be fucked off when she learns the identity of her competitor especially as she was responsible for his/her recruitment in the first place; talk about being stabbed in the back.

As for the identity of your competitor – it shouldn’t be too difficult to work out – just find out who’s been taking odd days off over the last couple of weeks, and if you’ve both made it through to the assessment stage you’ll come face to face with each other anyhow.

But don’t worry Mistress Irene, Mr Monkey has been told who the preferred candidate is and neither of the ‘South Tyneside Two’ have more than an outside chance.