Archive for the 'Scots' Category


‘Big’ Ed Malcolm and His Kilt

South Tyneside’s answer to The Chuckle Brothers, councillors Iain and Ed Malcolm seem obsessed with re-discovering their Scottish roots.

In September Mr Monkey revealed that council leader Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm was partial to a bit of weekend cottaging after he bought a hideaway in Hawick in the Scottish Borders. CLICK HERE.

Not to be out done by his brother, ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm the wannabee MP for Houghton and Washington East decided to get in on the act and recently bought himself a kilt – not just in any tartan but a Clan Malcolm tartan.

When word reached the members lounge his collegaues pissed themselves laughing especially at the thought of ‘Big’ Ed in a kilt with his deformed size 3 feet stuck on the end of his short bandy legs. One senior Labour councillor who likes a wee dram reckons Ed is determined to beat Red Rumcouncillor George Elsom to the title of Twat of the Year.

But Mr Monkey reckons Ed’s purchase had more to do with winning a few extra votes in the old County Durham pit villages of the Houghton and Washington East Parliamentary constituency than his desire to rekindle his Scottish roots.

It seems this gesture could be is a last ditched attempt to persuade former miners and their families – many of whom have Scottish roots – to vote for him in the upcoming selection ballot.


REVIEW of 2008: Potts Cums Clean .. on Teachers

Mr Monkey has decided to dedicate the last few days of 2008 to some of the most popular posts of the year. All the archive material published between now and the end of the year has appeared on either Mr Monkey’s Blog or it’s predecessor The Monkeyhouse.

What better way to start this review of 2008 than with the borough’s very own King of Sleaze, Tory Boy councillor David Potts. His lack of morals, double dealing, lying and cheating, sleazy behaviour and his unflinching support for the local Labour party were exposed by Mr Monkey and eventually led to his downfall and de-selection as Parliamentary candidate for Edinburgh South West.

Potts Cums Clean .. on Teachers

Tory leader David Cameron is often ribbed by Gordon Brown for his lack of policies. Luckily for him, local Tory boy Potts has plenty of them, which he’s willing to put into practise at any opportunity.

Today’s policy is education

While last year he demanded the most vulnerable children in society be moved into boarding schools “because it’s cheaper”, now he’s pro-state school..well, pro-state school teachers anyway…

The pudgy-faced Tory boy, who has already had a primary school teacher girlfriend, has now taken to knocking-off a local comprehensive school teacher when he’s not commuting between Edinburgh and here.

A close friend of the (presumably traumatised) young lady contacted an associate of The Monkeyto say that he’d had his wicked way with the teacher upstairs in the Cottage Tavern pub in Cleadon. Trebles all round!

Who’d have thought it, the leader of the Tories on South Tyneside Council caught-up in a cottage-ing tryst.


Former Conservative Parliamentary Candidate Father’s A Bastard

'If only she'd learned her highway code'

'If only she'd learned her highway code'

Seems The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts who loves nothing more than putting his dick about may have scored an own goal of mega proportions.

For several days the talk in the members room has been about Pudgy Face Potts and how he’s managed to get his long suffering girlfriend pregnant – the free condoms had holes in them!

Seems this drunken former Conservative Parliamentary candidate and failed local politician who has a reputation for hard drinking and fucking anything with a hole may have fathered a bastard. Apparently he’s been telling anyone that would listen he’s got no intention of doing the decent thing and marrying the poor lass – he claims he’s too young and is not ready to settle down yet.

Mr Monkey reckons this latest example of Conservative family values as demonstrated by it’s group leader will put paid to any outside chance councillor Potts had of ever making a career out of politics.

Perhaps it’s time the lazy bastard found himself a real job .. something like a male prostitute. That way he get to do the things he really wants like fuck, be fucked whilst earning a few quid. But isn’t that what he’s doing already since he sold out his party to Labour council leader Iain Malcolm for thirty pieces of silver?


Monkey Puzzle 5 Revealed

The answer to Monkey Puzzle 5 is;

Councillor John Mcabe who apparently loves a bottle or two of Stella Artois.

According to Wikipedia Stella Artois “was given the nickname wife beater due to it’s percived connection with aggression”.

Mr Monkey reckons that’s why councillor Mcabe was chosen as Iain Malcolm’s enforcer the Labour party’s chief whip!


Malcolm Goes Cottaging!

What is it about South Tyneside politicians and Scotland?

Mr Monkey appreciates many South Tynesiders are proud of their Scottish heritage but it seems that the lure of the heather, the glens and lochs, a wee dram, the pipes and the haggis and in Iain Malcolm’s case men in skirts kilts seems too strong to resist, especially for our politicians.

Mr Monkey wonders whether this fetish for men in kilts might explain councillor McCabe’s promotion under Iain Malcolm’s leadership. But if I were councillor McCabe I’d think twice about wearing my kilt when the Laird of the Chamber is about – at the very least I’d cross my legs so the he couldn’t take a sneaky peek up my kilt!

Following hot on the heels of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts’s Scottish adventure, it seems that Labour councillor Iain Malcolm thinks he can become a laird. Mr Monkey reckons this explains why he’s bought a Scottish hideaway in Hawick (pronounced Hoick). This allows him to spend some of his weekends at his rural cottage and Mr Monkey reckons he knows what the dirty bastard will be doing!

Mr Monkey has got a few weekends to spare now that the shorter days are here and reckons it’s time he did some digging exploring north of the border – you never know who or what might turn up!



Mr Monkey needs your help!

Over the last few months Mr Monkey has exposed the sleazy activities of Tory Boy David Potts and ensured that Alistair Darling MP, his former Labour opponent, Eric Pickles MP, Shadow Cabinet Secretary for Communities and Local Government and Inez Paisley, chairwoman of the Edinburgh South-West Conservative Association all knew what a dodgy individual Councillor Potts really is.

Now Mr Monkey urges all elected members on South Tyneside Council to do the same by bringing the King of Sleaze’s activities to the attention of every Tory activists they know.

So if you work with a Conservative, share the same Lodge, belong to the same club or just bump into them in the Council Chamber, make sure they now what a lying, devious and scheming little shit he is.

Alternatively help spread Mr Monkey’s message by asking them to log on to


It’s A Potty World – Part Two

Mr Monkey’s revelations about Tory Boy Potts, who many believe have been responsible for putting an end to The King of Sleaze’s political career have attracted a considerable amount of attention judging by the stats.

It’s A Potty World – Part One post attracted a record number of hits and the links to Mr Monkey’s older posts are proving to be very popular. 

Mr Monkey has now complied another list of older posts for readers to enjoy. Just click on any of the links below.