Archive for the 'Sport' Category


All Smiles in Whitburn .. Until Derby Day

'The toon will soon wipe that smile off your face'

'The toon will soon wipe that smile off your face'

South Tyneside’s dominatrix, Irene Lucas has cause to celebrate today after husband John Hays picked up a top travel award on behalf of his company Hays Travel. CLICK HERE.

Mr Hays who doubles as Quinny’s side kick at the Stadium of Shite (some daft twat has to be vice chairman), seems to be following in his wife’s footsteps when it comes to giving yourself a pat on the back and picking up worthless awards.

I bet the pillow talk in Irene and John’s boudoir must have been fucking interesting this week – imagine “my gong is bigger than your gong”.

Mr Monkey reckons it was only a matter of time before John got his own back on Irene after she picked up that meaningless piece of glass in London for being the Best Council of The Year.

Remember all the hype  shite that followed an award that was given by a fucking magazine of all things?

Sorry Irene and John but your joy is about to come to an abrupt end and you know why – yes you and all your Mackem trash are gonna get fucked by the Toon tomorrow.


The Week Ahead

The week ahead will go down in history as one of the momentous of our time

It’s the week when: 

George W Bush is consigned to the history books and will be remembered as the worst US President ever
Barack Obama becomes the first African American President of America
Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown saddles future generations with yet more debt
Kaka joins Manchester City and becomes the first £100 million pound footballer
Mr Monkey’s Blog reaches the 100,000 hits milestone in record time
The long awaited list of ‘Monkey Suspects’ is published
Graham Glitter aka Curly has an ape free day and doesn’t post or comment about the borough’s premier blogger Mr Monkey
The Fat Mackem Hobbit admits he’s obssesed with all things ape and that he’ll do anything to feed off Mr Monkey’s success
and David Miliband spends a day in his constituency; watch out for him on Ocean Road.


A Pig With 5 Chins!

"I'd love to get my chins round this ball"

"I'd love to get my chins round this ball"

It looks as though council leader Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm has been so busy wanking playing the boss that he’s forgotten one of the basic rules of media manipulation .. don’t say something that might come back and bite you in the arse. Although in his case the dirty bastard might enjoy it!

Mr Monkey nearly choked on his bananas when he read this piece of shit about new changing facilities for the football pitches on the Dragon, CLICK HERE. 

According to councillor Malcolm, the development,

 “is the beginning of a major transformation of our Foreshore” 

but it’s this bit that almost choked Mr Monkey,

“and will also boost our efforts to increase participation in sport and exercise”.

This is from the same fuckwit that wanted to build a super casino on Gypsies Green Stadium and when that failed he decided to build a hotel and conference centre on it.

Mr Monkey is confused because the last time he looked, Gypsies Green Stadium was being used for sport and exercise which we now learn Miss Piggy is keen to push, at least that’s what his paper says.

So is councillor Malcolm a liar or did he open his fat gob without thinking about the consequences?

Seems the twat forgot where he was for a minute and looks to have scored an own goal of mega proportions. Mr Monkey reckons this slip of his tongue will cost him dear in 2011 when he’s likely to be voted out of office for remarks like this.

Mr Monkey will leave readers with this thought – take a close look at the picture of councillor Iain Malcolm, especially the triple chins – he’d do well to heed his own advice and get some exercise before his colleagues start calling him ‘Piggy Five Chins’.


Derby Day Monkey Clip

In case you’ve been on another planet this week, today’s is fuck a mackem derby day. Don’t expect any blogging today, Mr Monkey has got other things in his hed.

Blogging will have to wait while he takes care of business, but don’t worry this week’s Monkey Clip should keep all you lads and lasses entertained.

Mr Monkey dedicates this week’s clip to every toon supporter in the universe and to all the mackem scum that’s ganna crawl out of the sewers, especially ‘The King of Sleaze’, Tory Boy David Potts and his mouthpiece‘The Mackem Hobbit’, Curly aka Graham Rigg! CLICK HERE and enjoy.


Great North Run

Posts will be a bit light today as Mr Monkey will be spending most of the day watching the Great North Run. After the heavy rain of the last few days it looks as though the sun is going to shine, although it looks bloody cold.

Mr Monkey believes that events such as this need the support of everyone and it’s a day we should all be proud. Thousands of people from all over the world have been training and fundraising for this moment for many months, the least we can do is support it.

Mr Monkey would like to wish all the participants good luck and hopes there are no serious injuries or fatalities and that hundreds of thousands of pounds are raised for worthwhile causes.



EXCLUSIVE: A source close to under fire Newcastle owner, Mike Ashley has confirmed that Kevin Keegan has just resigned as Newcastle Manager.

… more will follow

Posted at 18.43pm Thursday 4.9.08

Kevin Keegan has now confirmed he has resigned via an official statement issued through the League Managers Association.

… more will follow

Posted at 19.03pm Thursday 4.9.08

Angry fans are beginning to gather outside St James Park chanting Keegan’s name and calling for the board to resign.

… more will follow

Posted at 19.15pm Thursday 4.9.08

This is what the League Managers Association has had to say:

Over the past few days, the board of directors of Newcastle United Football Club and Kevin Keegan have been in detailed discussions. The letter which Kevin received today from managing director Derek Llambias has failed to resolve the matters in issue between him and the club and accordingly he feels he has no alternative other than to resign.

 Kevin Keegan said:

“I’ve been working desperately hard to find a way forward with the directors, but sadly that has not proved possible. It’s my opinion that a manager must have the right to manage and that clubs should not impose upon any manager any player that he does not want. It remains my fervent wish to see Newcastle United do well in the future and I feel incredibly sorry for the players, staff and most importantly the supporters. I have been left with no choice other than to leave.”

LMA chief executive, Richard Bevan, said:

“The LMA has been supporting Kevin during a very difficult period. We share his great disappointment and frustration that the situation could not be resolved.”

Posted at 19.19pm Thursday 4.9.08




Yesterday Mr Monkey revealed that Kevin Keegan, the popular Newcastle manager had left the club.

It would seem that King Kev, the ex-England boss and captain’s second reign with the Magpies came to an end after differences of opinion over transfer policy which came to a head after a number of major signings failed to materialise before the transfer window closed at midnight on Monday.

It is also thought that King Kev’s support of Joey Barton and his reluctance to sell James Milner also played a part in what happened yesterday

Sources revealed that the 57-year-old had quit after talks with club owner Mike Ashley, however, although it was later suggested by an insider that Keegan had been dismissed.

As the news broke angry Toon fans staged a protests outside St James’ Park with supporters calling for the head of owner Mike Ashley and the club’s board.

The club later issued the following statement:

“Newcastle United can confirm that meetings between members of the Board and manager Kevin Keegan were held both yesterday and today. Kevin has raised a number of issues and those have been discussed with him. The club wants to keep progressing with its long-term strategy and would like to stress that Kevin is extremely important, both now and in the future. Newcastle United values the effort and commitment shown by Kevin since his return to St. James’ Park and wants him to continue to play an instrumental role as manager of the club. For the avoidance of doubt the club has not sacked Kevin Keegan as manager.”

However, Keegan’s future remains shrouded in doubt with the former England boss remaining silent on his position.

Mr Monkey wonders what the odds are on Dennis Wise becoming the next Toon manager or will Ashley try and appease the fans by opting for Shearer?