Archive for the 'Stabbed in the back' Category


pigs set to gather at Iain Malcolm’s trough on saturday

After a hectic few days Mr Monkey is back in the swing of things.

Next Tuesday the people of South Tyneside will know the names of all the councillors that have either been bought off with paid positions and whose silence and obedience has been guaranteed for another year. 

Last year the then newly crowned council leader, Iain Malcolm broke with tradition and made a few more enemies within his own ranks by giving paid positions to a handful of opposition councillors all of whom gladly took anything that was on offer as long as it was paid.

Councillor Iain Malcolm’s motives were two fold – to prevent the opposition from uniting and to exert his dominance over the Jarrow Labour party by rubbing their faces in it- apparently he’s always promised his inner circle that when he grabs power he would put an end to the Jarrow Labour party and shut Jarrow town hall.

Mr Monkey reckons Saturday’s Labour group meeting will be a lively affair as many loyal party members are angry that they have either not been offered a paid position or that they have not been given what they want. This chimp has heard that resentment is growing and that if councillor Malcolm gives any paid positions to opposition councillors this will be seen as a slap in the face by some and will re-open many of the old wounds.

Followers of the local political scene will have noticed that Iain Malcolm’s leadership style has revived the old A and B team split between Jarrow and South Shields and that the infighting began within days of him taking the leadership last May.

The most recent example of this split is the sudden and dramatic departure of senior councillor and cabinet member Tom Hanson who resigned from his lucarative position in the cabinet less than 2 weeks before the new cabinet was announced. CLICK HERE.

'Saturday's gathering of the pigs round Iain Malcolm's trough promises to be a lively affair'

'Saturday's gathering of the pigs round Iain Malcolm's trough promises to be a lively affair'

It seems that once the news leaked out, councillor Malcolm was furious and has ordered an investigation into how this sensitive information got into the public domain. He’s also tried to silence councillor Hanson by threatening to remove him from the Integrated Transport Authority which is a well paid postion and gives him free travel.

Councillor Hanson now refuses to comment on the matter publicly but privately he’s telling everyone that he’s been treated very badly and has been “shit on”. He’s also telling peopel that if councillor Malcolm insists on trying to break up the Jarrow Labour party he will reveal what he knows about councillor Malcolm, his leadership style and what the real agenda in the town hall is.

Mr Monkey can’t wait for Saturday and is looking forward to witnessing Iain Malcolm’s pigletts fighting over who gets what from his trough and it will be interesting to see how many people levae the meeting with a bloody nose.


Comment Moderation off

Comment moderation has now been switched off so our comments are visible.

Thanks to everyone who to took the time to contact this chimp – you’ve given him some excellent leads.

Special thanks to Don, Bob, Linda, Cathy and Phil.


REVIEW OF 2008: I Told You So!

Vodka Lil will do anything to get back in Iain's good books .. even hand over her favourite vodka bottle.

Vodka Lil will do anything to get back in Iain's good books .. even hand over her favourite vodka bottle.

Following The Monkey’s exclusive revelations that Vodka Lil Coun Eileen Leask was top of Iain Malcolm’s hit list, it seems mass panic has set in amongst the Labour rank and file resulting in Iain Malcolm trying to appease Vodka Lil Coun Eileen Leask that there was no truth in the The Monkey’s revelations.

In a follow up post, The Monkey said,

“Coun Malcolm is already drawing up plans for a public show of unity, so watch out for several stories complete with photographs of Couns Leask and Malcolm in the Gazette over the next few weeks. The Monkey reckons Malcolm’s latest play thing, John Szymanski, will get the call very soon!”

Low and behold within hours The Monkey opens up the pages of the Gazete and there they both are!

The Monkey wonders what kind of double dealing hypocrite would tell his inner circle that he intends getting rid of Vodka Lil Coun Eileen Leask one minute to then suddenly pretend everything is fine and dandy the next?

It seems as though Iain Malcolm was well and truly caught with his pants down yet again. 

The Monkey is not surprised by this sudden change of heart especially as it comes from someone who has spent most of his life hiding in the closet!


REVIEW OF 2008: Has Waggott Stabbed McAtominey in The Back?

This post first appeared after Steady Eddie’s first arrest on suspicion of drink driving. He protested his innocence and said he’d fight to clear his name.


Steady Eddie spent the next 8 months wasting the police and court’s time pleading not guilty and using every trick in the book to wriggle out of being convicted. But Mr Monkey reckons he was trying to protect his lucrative paid positions on the council and the police authority.


Unfortunately for the borough’s number one pisshead, he was caught drink driving a second time. This time he pleaded guilty, was banned from driving and was forced out resigned from his paid positions.


He decided to change his plea to his first offence and was rightly convicted of failing to provide a specimen.


Councillor McAtominey offered no apology for wasting thousands of pounds of public money, instead we had to listen to yet another sob story about his illness and how it had caused him to turn to drink.


What a lying bastard, ask anyone in the Labour party about his drinking habits and they’ll tell you he’s always been a pisshead and has never been able to control his excessive drinking.


Reports have reached The Monkey that Paul Waggott is the latest suspect in the Eddie McAtominey saga. ‘Steady Eddie’ as he has become known, believes that he was deliberately set up by someone in an attempt to get rid of him, he claims the police were lying in wait when he fell out of the pub pissed as a fart – nothing to do with good policing and vigilant officers then!


According to a source close to ‘Steady Eddie’ the number one suspect has always been Iain Malcolm as he clearly stood to gain most from the demise of his number one foe.  However, it has now emerged that former council leader Paul Waggott who was rejected by the people of Fellgate and Hedworth planned on making a quicker than expected comeback.


Apparently Waggott has earmarked ‘Steady Eddie’s’ seat if as suspected he gets the boot in August.


The Monkey reckons this explains the sudden burst of activity in the town hall to stitch up bestow the honorary title of Freedom of the Borough on Paul Waggott – talk about killing two birds with one stone. 


This leaves Iain Malcolm with a dilemma of immense proportions, who does he hate most ‘Steady Eddie’ or ‘The Poison Dwarf’?



Where do I sign?

Where do I sign?

It soon became clear why the Dominant One Ms Lucas had insisted on clearing the room of her minions – she did’nt want them to know too much.

As the Mill Dam Bike, aka councillor McMillan introduced the report it was apparent that Ms Lucas was a tad uncomfortable, and so she should be given what was about to be revealed.

The council had appointed an ‘Independenat’ person to carry out a job evaluation of the senior posts including the Chief Executive’s.

This individual made the following observations and recommendations.

1. He thought South Tyneside Council was finding it difficult to retain it’s senior staff because of current salary levels.

2. That money was the motivating factor behind the departures of Kim Derry Bromley, Amanda Skelton, David Slater and Diane Wood. Apparently ambition, career progression and the desire to seek a new challenge never entered these mercenaries minds.

3. Diane Wood was used to illustrate the argument. When she left South Tyneside for Cumbria County Council her salary increased by £40,000 per year. Again nothing to do with the additional responsibilities that came with her new role.

4. It was felt that as the the new crop of Executive Directors had only recently been appointed it was a bit premature to carry out an evaluation of their jobs. In other words it was felt they couldn’t get away with it.

5. No report would be complete without a touch of spin and this one was no exception. What we call a pay rise these twats called a spot adjustment. In a nutshell this means that the recipients are fast tracked up their pay scale – no gradual progression for these lucky bastards.

6. Whilst it was agreed to leave the Executive Director’s pay as it was (for now), the same could not be said for the Heads of Service. The spot adjustment method was applied to these posts and guess what – the majority of them got a rise. Seems Christmas really has come early this year.

It’s always good to save the best till last especially when someone is about to hit the jackpot.

Apparently the council’s Chief Executive is underpaid on a paltry £133,000 per year. In order to correct this travesty of justice it was felt that Ms Lucas must be paid her just rewards and what better way to do it than to make a spot adjustment.

Mr Monkey reckons that this spot must have been the size of a fucking balloon given the recommendation in the report. Irene’s adjustment was just another £13,000 per year.

That’s right she was about to get an extra £13,000 per year which now takes her salary to around £146,000 per year.

At this point the Mill Dam Bike really did make a twat of herself.

Not content with keeping her fellow councillors in the dark until they arrived at the meeting, she now had the neck to ask them to hand their reports back to her. As she put it, this was a very sensitive matter – how perceptive of you Audrey.

In case your nose is interfering with your vision, thousands of people face a bleak Christmas and are struggling to make ends meet and what do you do? You condone a £13,000 per year increase for someone who is already well paid for what she does.

It’s because of fuckwits like you that the town hall fat cats get fatter by the day.

Credit again to councillor McAtominey, he was having none of it and whilst the bike was seeking advice from Patrick Melia (he didn’t get a rise so he was probably pissed off) the Dominant One made a sharp exit. Meanwhile councillor McAtominey got his own way in the end and kept his report.

If this is the new rebellious councillor McAtominey, Iain Malcolm and his stooges better watch their backs – seems Steady Eddie is out for revenge!


The Top Club’s Queen of Sleaze

Who said he's gay?

Who said Iain's gay?

Mr Monkey promised to tell you the tale about Andrea from The Top Club, one of Iain Malcolm’s former associates, so here it is.

Ed Malcolm, aka Frank Sidebottom, was overheard at the Labour Conference this year saying how shocked he was that Mr Monkey alleged that his brother Miss Piggy is gay. “Him! Gay!” he was heard shouting next to the Northumbrian Water stand – “How can they say he’s gay?”

Well this stupid granny shagger must be blind as well as daft – it might explain why he keeps poking old Olive Punchion.

Although Ed might have a fair point, after all brother Iain goes to great lengths to prove just how butch he is.

Back in the old days, Iain, The Queen of Sleaze, would slow right down in his old red Rover, wind down his window and shout ‘phwoarrrr’ any lass under the age of 50.

Sometimes, after all of his council meetings had finished, he’d head over to the Top Club where he’d prop up the bar making lewd gags to this poor lass called Andrea who worked behind the bar. He’s grab any opportunity he got to try and prove he was straight, he’d make bawdy jokes to Andrea about how he’d love to take her home and bang her till she couldn’t walk. That was until she called his bluff and said ‘OK take me home then, Iain’, the poor bastard ran a mile.

He might have been horny, but it’ll have been the bouncer he was interested in, not Andrea. To make matters worse it turned out that Andrea was related to Paul Waggott – the man he helped oust from Fellgate!

Mr Monkey has looked at part of Iain’s personal life (the attempt to arrange a marriage will be kept under wraps for now). Next up will be his political life, in particularly his love of leaks and all things postal.

Mr Monkey will reveal exactly how Paul Waggott’s infamous ‘lunatics’ e.mail reached the Shields Gazette back in January. Stay tuned to find out who leaked it, authorised it, printed it and posted it, and exactly who to.

He’ll be spitting FEATHERS when Mr Monkey delves deeper into his postbox fun .. did someone say FEATHERS?


Mistress Irene Faces Competition

"Iain how many times do I have to tell you I'm in charge"

"Iain I won't tell you again I'm in charge and you'll do as I command"

South Tyneside’s head dominatrix Chief Executive, ‘Mistress’ Irene Lucas faces competition from one of her own in the race to secure the top job at Sunderland City Council.

Seems Mistress Irene is not the only one who desperately wants to leave South Tynside and sources close to the leadership of Sunderland Council have told Mr Monkey that they have received two applications from South Tyneside.

Last week Tribal Resourcing who Sunderland City Council are using as their recruitment advisers interviewed  all applicants including the ‘South Tyneside Two’ to verify details etc. They have now drawn up a short list and the successful applicants have been invited to attend a two day assessment exercise which will be held next week.

Those applicants that make it through the assessment will make the final shortlist and will be interviewed by the Personnel Committee week beginning 8th December. Full Council will then be asked to ratify the appointment on 28th January.

Mr Monkey reckons Mistress Irene will be fucked off when she learns the identity of her competitor especially as she was responsible for his/her recruitment in the first place; talk about being stabbed in the back.

As for the identity of your competitor – it shouldn’t be too difficult to work out – just find out who’s been taking odd days off over the last couple of weeks, and if you’ve both made it through to the assessment stage you’ll come face to face with each other anyhow.

But don’t worry Mistress Irene, Mr Monkey has been told who the preferred candidate is and neither of the ‘South Tyneside Two’ have more than an outside chance.