is the member for jarrow a peckish plonky?

'The memebr for Jarrow thinks the taxpayer should pay for his grocery bill'

It seems Jarrow MP Stephen Hepburn loves nothing more than a free feed and piss up at the taxpayers expense – maybe it’s a legacy from his days of being a South Tyneside councillor.

According to the Parliamentary expenses published yesterday, Mr Hepburn thinks that the taxpayer should pick up his grocery bill and he sees nothing wrong in claiming around £75 per week for food – last year the greedy bastard managed to fuck the taxpayer to the tune of £3,850 for his food bill alone.

His expenses also show that he claimed £450 for a washing machine and nearly £500 for a digital camera – which by coincidence happened to be bought a couple of weeks before Christmas – Mr Monkey reckons somebody probably got a canny Christmas present.

Mr Monkey also reckons that the taxpayer has been paying for his drinking habit under the guise of petty cash. Examination of Mr Hepburn’s claims reveal that he claimed £250 a month for ‘petty cash’. This is the monthly limit allowed and there’s no requirement to submit receipts.

This chimp can’t help wondering how he managed to claim exactly £250 month after month unless of course he was milking the system to feed his boozing habit – he can often be found on a Sunday afternoon pissed up in the Clock in Hebburn.

Maybe he should take a leaf out of David Miliband’s book and pay some of the money back?

miliband and hepburn caught with their snouts in the trough

The Pig Sty House of Commons has finally published details of MPs’ expenses claims – more than a year after the High Court ordered their publication and weeks after they were leaked to the Daily Telegraph.

Revelations about their claims have forced some MPs to announce their resignations and yesterday junior Treasury minister, Kitty Ussher became the latest MP to quit the Government following allegations that she avoided paying capital gains tax by “flipping” her second home.

The list of MPs expenses includes printed documents and receipts relating to claims made between 2004/05 and 2007/08 for a series of parliamentary allowances, but it seems they are still a bit coy about telling the public the whole truth – many details have been blanked out or have been left out altogether.

These include claims under the £24,000-a-year Additional Costs Allowance, which reimburses MPs for the cost of having to maintain a second home while serving at Westminster; the £22,000 Incidental Expenses Provision, which pays for running an office; and the £10,400 Communications Allowance, which covers the cost of newsletters and websites to inform constituents about their activities; as well as details of expenditure on stationery and postage.

Many of the expense claims and supporting receipts feature large blacked out areas where it’s not always clear what has been obscured or why.

The list does not include the addresses of MPs’ homes, which means it’s virtually impossible to identify so-called flipping – where MPs switch the designation of their second properties to maximise their claims and avoid paying capital gains tax.

Also blanked out are the details of people and companies to whom payments were made using expenses and correspondence between MPs and the Commons Fees Office have also been removed.

But despite this cover up it seems our local MPs have well and truly had their snouts in the trough, CLICK HERE for details of Jarrow MP, Stephen Hepburn’s expenses and HERE for details South Shields MP, David Miliband’s claims.

Shame On You – You’re A Disgrace

Today is Holocaust Memorial Day.

Yes January 27th is the day when people throughout the world remember the victims of the Nazi Holocaust and of more recent genocides in Cambodia, Darfur, Bosnia, Rwanda, Iraq and Palestine.

Numerous ceremonies to remember the victims of these atrocities have taken place up and down the country including here in South Tyneside where each year the Mayor hosts a ceremony on behalf of the people of the borough to make the occasion.

Apparently today’s guests included a select band of children, members of the public, church goers, a few council officers, a handful of councillors and the usual band of Labour party activists – Mr Monkey is still waiting for details of these scrounging bastards but can confirm that Pat Morris and Jack Brown were seen loitering around the buffet table.

The ceremony itself apparently included several readings, recitals, a prayer, and a few words (via letters) from our local MP’s. There was also a flower laying and candle lighting ceremony.

Mr Monkey can confirm that although today’s ceremony was well attended it seems most councillors, executive directors of the council and business leaders couldn’t be bothered to turn up.

According to a source inside the town hall only 11 councillors out of a possible 54 had the decency to make an appearance, these included: councillors Alex Donaldson, John Anglin, Peter Boyack, Jim Foreman, Ahmed Khan, Jane Branley, Joan Meeks, Tom Piggot, Jimmy Sewell, Ernest Gibson and Alan Kerr.

Notable absences included the Chuckle Brothers, aka Ian and Ed Malcolm, Michael Clare, Bill Brady (Lead Member for Equality and Diversity), Tracy Dixon, Joanne Bell, Audrey McMillan, Linda Waggott, Barry Scorer, John McCabe, Jim Perry and Tom Hanson.

The King of Sleaze Tory Boy David Potts and his two stooges Wood and Millburn, all three Liberal Democrats, the two representatives of the We’ve Finally Made Our Mind Up Party Real Independents councillors Lurch and Red Rum Haram and Elsom plus their new lackey Tom Defty were all conspicuous by their absence.

Apparently the Progressives didn’t bother turning up because they still think its 1986.

Mr Monkey reckons that each and every one of you lazy bastards who couldn’t be bothered to turn up should hang your heads in shame – in the words of the King of Sleaze .. “you’re a disgrace”.

REVIEW OF 2008: Maggot, Waggott and Faggot

Many readers will remember the A and B teams of the local Labour party. 

There was the Jarrow lot led by Stephen Hepburn and Paul Waggot and then there was the Shields gang led by the old guard but behind the scenes there was the scheming and conniving Malcolm’s led by the fairy God-mother of all crooks, councillor Iain Malcolm, aka Miss Piggy.

This post concerns some of the names given to the opposition his Labour colleagues by councillor Iain Malcolm, apparently he had a derogatory name for just about everyone including his own mother and brother.

Maggot, Waggott and Faggot ..

Apparently the current Monkey Puzzle has been the talk of the members lounge with councillors desperate to learn the real identities of Councillors Maggot, Waggott and Faggot. Well Mr Monkey can reveal all.

Maggot– this title was given to Councillor Linda Waggott as she has a liking for other peoples flesh.

Waggott – everyone must have got this one! If you haven’t where the hell have you been?

Faggot– most of you thought this was Councillor Iain Malcolm, unfortunately you’re way off the the mark. This honorary title goes to former Labour Councillor and now Member of Parliament for Jarrow, Stephen Hepburn.

What most of you won’t realise is that the phrase Maggot, Waggott and Faggot was coined by the current Leader of the Council, Iain Malcolm shortly after his lover’s tiff with Stephen Hepburn and his fallout with the Waggotts.

Pressure Grows On Malcolm

Council leader Iain Malcolm’s role in the murky financial dealings at Newcastle Airport is coming under increased scrutiny.

Peter Atkinson, the Conservative MP for Hexham is now calling on the Government and the Audit Commission to probe the out of court settlement, CLICK HERE. Mr Atkinson is the second MP to demand answers.

So far David Miliband, MP for South Shields and Stephen Hepburn, MP for Jarrow have remained tight lipped about the controversial deal which resulted in two former employees recieveing a massive £8.5 million pay day. The deal which was approved by Iain Malcolm and South Tyneside Council has since been renegotiated in an out of court settlement, but both South Tyneside Council and Iain Malcolm have steadfastly refused to comment using commercial sensitivity and confidentiality as the basis for the silence.

The calls for an independent investigation continue to grow and Mr Monkey predicts that one of the first tasks for the new Conservative Government will be to order an enquiry in to this murky affair, especially if a certain David Miliband becomes the Labour leader.

Could this be the beginning of the end for councillor Iain Malcolm? Lets hope so, the borough would be a much better place without him!

Miliband Snubs Waggott

South Shields MP and Foreign Secretary David Miliband appears to want nothing to do with Labour’s cheapening of the Freedom of Borough award.

Mr Monkey, who attended Friday’s formal ceremony in the town hall can confirm that Mr Miliband was not in attendance despite being sent an invitation. Seems he was conveniently otherwise engaged.

Mr Miliband refused to attend was also absent from the infamous £50 a head Labour party bash paid for by taxpayer; to “celebrate Mr Waggott’s life on the council”.

Current leader, councillor Iain Malcolm made a shameful attempt to justify this disgraceful waste of taxpayers money when he was challenged by the press by claiming it was a chance to network. CLICK HERE. 

Try using the phone you spineless twat!

Mr Monkey also noticed that Iain Malcolm’s nemesis, friend of Mr Miliband, Freeman of the Borough and former South Shields MP Dr David Clarke also snubbed was missing from the lets lick Waggott’s arse do on Friday night.

Older bloggers will remember the cat fights in the 80s and 90s between the South Shields and Jarrow Labour parties and the emergence of the A and B teams. It seems somethings never change.

Mr Monkey can confirm that the Jarrow Mob were out in force and even ‘I’ll drive if I want to’ councillor McAtominey had the nerve to second the formal proposal.

Also paying homage were Lord and Lady Dixon and the Malcolm arse whipper kicker, Jarrow MP Stephen Hepburn. But then there was free beer to be had and Linda was there to pick him up if he fell over.

Mr Monkey congratulates David Miliband for having the common sense to stay away. His absence makes it clear what he really thinks about his colleagues blatant misuse of power .. but we all know what he thinks of Iain Malcolm don’t we?

Are Labour Going To The Polls in 2009?

Mr Monkey received a tip off last night from an inside source claiming that the Government had put a draft order before Parliament seeking to change the date of next year’s local elections. Not all local councils will be going to the polls, those that are were scheduled to hold elections on Thursday 7th May 2009.

If the Government’s order is approved and there is no reason why it won’t, May’s local elections will be moved to coincide with the European Parliamentary elections on Thursday 4th June 2009.

Mr Monkey’s source reckons that Labour may well be planning to hold a snap election sooner than pundits think. Perhaps Gordon Broon thinks holding three elections on the same day might confuse the public but Mr Monkey reckons he’s probably trying to catch the Conservative party off guard and hopes to stretch thier resources to the limit.

If I were a betting monkey I would put my money on 4th June being General Election day.

BNP Set To Contest Seat

Mr Monkey heard a very interesting conversation yesterday. Apparently the BNP intent to field candidates in both the Jarrow and South Shields Parliamentary seats at the forthcoming General Election.

Mr ******* a known BNP activist was overheard telling a group of people that the BNP reckon they’re on the verge of making a political breakthrough in South Tyneside and whilst he acknowledged the BNP have no chance of beating David Miliband or Stephen Hepburn, he reckons that the publicity their candidates will generate will provide the perfect platform to win a seat on South Tyneside council.

Mr Monkey urges all political groupings in South Tyneside to wake up to the threat of the BNP before it’s too late?

Waggott Quits

Mr Monkey has learned that councillor Linda Waggott, the political prostitute who is happy to represent any ward as long as she gets paid for it, has quit the board of South Tyneside Homes.

Senior officers and the inner core of Labour councillors were told yesterday that she had tendered her resigination with immediate effect, although no reasons were given.

Mr Monkey can only speculate as to the reason behind her sudden resignation, although on past form it’s likely to be a dispute over money or perhaps she’s been offered something more lucrative elsewhere.

Bloggers will remember that following the demise of her husband Paul, who was unceremoniously dumped by the people of Fellgate and Hedworth in May’s elections, Linda was angry that she had not been given a position of responsibility in Iain Malcolm’s regime was to get no extra money especially as the Waggott household’s income had suddenly fallen by around £45,000 a year with Paul losing his seat.

In an attempt to stop the old divisions between the A and B teams from resurfacing Iain Malcolm decided give the bitch a bone – no not shag her, he only does the same sex, by appointing her to the board of South Tyneside Homes, although Mr Shifty, councillor Tom Hanson was far from happy that he’d been asked to step down albeit with promises of greater things to come.

It now seems that poor old Linda was conned. Apparently you only get expenses for being on the South Tyneside Homes board and the days earning a few extra quid by handing out council houses in exchange for little brown envelopes have gone.

How she wishes she was still chair of housing, at least her bank manager does!

Monkey Clip

After yesterday’s piece in the Gazette CLICK HEREwhich featured Hebburn South councillor, John McCabe, Gordon Brown and Jarrow MP, Stephen Hepburn, Mr Monkey thought he would dedicate this week’s Monkey Clip to our two local celebrities. The only problem is one of them might like it a bit too much!

CLICK HERE here and enjoy.

If you missed last week’s Monkey Clip dedicated to Iain Malcolm and his female accessory Julie – he doesn’t shag the opposite sex, CLICK HERE.