Archive for the 'Town Centre' Category

30
Mar
09

Exclusive: Good news for King street .. at last

'Good news for KIng St, Sports Direct will be opening soon'

'Good news for King St, Sports Direct will be opening soon'

EXCLUSIVE: Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that South Shield’s beleaguered town centre is about to receive a welcome boost.

Newcastle United’s owner Mike Ashley, is set to open a branch of Sports Direct in South Shields.

The news comes at a time when Mr Ashley, the under-fire Newcastle United owner is expanding his business portfolio in an effort to establish his dominance over rival sportswear retailer JJB Sports.

Mr Monkey can confirm that Sports Direct has acquired the former Woolworths site on King Street and is set to open it’s doors to the public in June.

This chimp can also confirm that Sports Direct decision to open a store in South Shields has nothing to do with the council, the council leader or South Tyneside Means Business – just in case the council’s Office of Propaganda were thinking of claiming the credit!

Mr Monkey wonders whether this latest addition to a ‘thriving King Street’ means we’ll be seeing more of our shopaholic invisible MP, David Miliband .. sadly not, Mr Monkey has just learned that Sports Direct doesn’t sell Arsenal tops.

03
Mar
09

Green light to shaft council employees

Last month Mr Monkey exclusively revealed that council staff were set to pay for parking CLICK HERE.

It’s now been confirmed that staff who are being transferred to Wouldhave House will have to pay for parking and they’re not happy about the prospect of having to pay for parking like the rest of us because they’ve got away with it for so long.

Angry staff claim they’re worried about car security and the possible negative impact of hundreds of staff trying to find spaces in the town centre, where parking is extremely limited, possibly forcing staff to use public transport while carrying out official duties.

Mr Monkey has no sympathy with any of them and here’s why:

  • the borough’s car parks are amongst the safest in the country – that’s what councillor Clare the lead member with responsibility for car park claims.
  • for years, the car parks have been labelled safe for the rest of us, so why the sudden concern? 
  • car parks are regularly patrolled up until 11pm by the council’s enforcement contractor, Apcoa.
  • what about all the empty spaces at the Customs House, Mill Dam and Mile End Rd car parks. The old Asda car park will also be open to the public.
  • what’s wrong with using public transport, tens of thousands of people across the region rely on it everyday.
  • ever thought of using pool cars for official duties?

Mr Monkey reckons that council staff have come up with some pretty shit excuses when it’s clear that all they’re really bothered about is the cost.

Perhaps staff should use some of the savings from thier new BT broadband package to pay for thier parking. Apparently council staff transferring to BT will get broadband for just £1 a month.

Mr Monkey would like to leave the last word to the Patron Slut of Sailors who said, “”I’m absolutely mystified as to where these council workers are going to park”.

Perhaps she and her stupid colleagues in the Labour party should have thought about this before signing on the dotted line and giving BT the green light to shaft council employees.

03
Mar
09

1p per minute to park

Apparently councilor Iain Malcolm Miss Piggy and her fellow sows in the cabinet have recognised the problems caused by parking charges in South Shields town centre and have decided to take “decisive action”. At least that’s what ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm claimed during his budget presentation at last week’s full council.

According to this blithering idiot, South Tyneside is going to adopt the North Tyneside model of charging 1p a minute - he reckons no one will object to paying 1p for a minute’s worth of parking.

This new ‘radical’ shift in policy means that motorists will now pay 60p per hour instead of 70p. The machines will not give any change nor will the motorist get any extra time in lieu of their change.

With fuckwit policies like this, its hardly surprising our town centre has become so popular with the Foreign Secretary, David Miliband a ghost town.

05
Feb
09

Miliband Kisses Arse Stateside

"Have you heard of Colmans?"

"Have you heard of Colmans?"

South Shields MP and Foreign Secretary David Miliband is feeling smug after President Obama’s administration gave him a special treat earlier this week - he was allowed to kiss his counterpart’s Hillary Clinton’s arse before anyone else.

Apparently our special relationship with the USA is set to continue for a little while longer after Miliband’s gesture of obedience.

During their meeting Mr Miliband did his best to promote South Shields Colmans by talking about fish and chips, but as usual he put his foot in it by relying heavily on his researchers information.

Mr Monkey can reveal Hillary loves nothing better than an an olive burger which she first discovered in her college days. In 2003 the inventor renamed it the Hillary Burger after she paid a visit to her favourite Greek coffee shop.

Mr Miliband also showed Hillary a few snaps of South Tyneside’s premier shopping area, King Street and pointed out all the shops he visits regularly that are shut and invited her to join him on one of his many shopping trips to the ‘street’.

She politely declined saying Bill prefers Macy’s to Ethel Austin but she did’nt rule out a trip to Colmans.

31
Jan
09

Good time girl

Mr Monkey has been working on a book about the seedier side of the town’s maritime heritage.

As the book is almost finished and the Ark Royal is in town, Mr Monkey thought now is as good a time as any to share some of his work with you.

Whore of The Tyne explores the hidden world of dockside prostitution in South Shields and focuses on local woman, Ugly Betty, who in the 1960s and 70s frequented the Mill Dam area of the town and was notorious for selling companionship and sex to foreign sailors.

The book shows how the dockside sex trade differs from other sectors of the sex insustry and examines the main character’s solicitation strategies. It also explores the cultural dimensions of dockside relations and reveals a mundane reality far removed from mainstream society.

Beside Ugly Betty, the book also explores the role of club owners, taxi drivers, bouncers, barmaids and some of the more shadier characters who inhabit Ugly Betty’s world. 

By delving deep in to the past and talking to some of the people involved, Mr Monkey allows readers to enter the dockside underworld and engage with the shadowy hustlers of this hidden realm.

Through the eyes of Ugly Betty, readers will be able to look at different elements of “the game,” as she relives her life as a dockside prostitute in the fantasy world she created for sailors from around the world.

Her story ends with her integration back into society and her gradual acceptance by the establishment who were instrumental in burying her seedy past - until now.

29
Jan
09

Gaffe of The Week

Twat of the Week, CLICK HERE, South Shields MP and Foreign Secretary David Miliband has picked up yet another Monkey accolade.

This time Mr Monkey has awarded him the dubious title of Gaffe of The Week for his stupid, ill timed and un-researched remarks about South Shields town centre following a rare visit to his constituency; yes he does remember where South Shields is.

Here are just some examples of what our out of touch MP had to say:

“King Street is a lovely shopping area. I come down here quite often to visit the bank and stores”.

You’re a bit economical with the truth aren’t you David? Why not tell us how many times you’ve visited South Shields in the last 12 months? Whilst you’re at it tell us how many times you’ve been down ‘street’ – as you’re not from Shields and you spend so little time here, that’s King Street.

If Mr Monkey was to take a guess based on your press coverage (you don’t do anything without them hanging on to your coat tails) it seems you’ve made a personal appearance about 6 times in the last 12 months. You’ve never been down ‘street’ unless you count Colmans as being on King Street and you certainly ain’t been seen in many of the town centre shops.

When was you last in the Denmark Centre for example, if you’d have seen all the empty units you on your staged visit you might have been less inclined to make fuckwit comments.

If these stupid comments weren’t enough, ‘Brains’ went on to say,

“I think morale and spirits are high in South Shields, and there’s still a lot of people coming to use the shops, especially on a Friday.”

This just shows how out of touch you are. Either that or your swallowed the council’s spin as presented by the town hall’s number one plonky, Rick O’Farrell.

Come on David a man with your connections should check the information you’rebeing spoon fed, especially when it comes from someone who at best has a dubious background in local and regional government. Just ask your colleagues researchers to tell you about the fuck ups he made whilst working for the Regional Government office and the millions it cost the public purse

Instead of speaking to the managers of Marks and Spencers and Burtons why didn’t you ask some of the shoe shops, cafes, bars, pound shops and card shops what they thought. Why didn’t you ask the market traders or better still why didn’t you some of the ‘many shoppers’ you bumped into – after all wasn’t it a Friday when you cane to town? At least that’s when your Labour party dinner was.

Come on David it’s time you stopped insulting the intelligence of the people of South Tyneside – you might believe your own bullshit but the public have seen right through you and your spin and if you keep making gaffes like this your future almost certainly lies in the House of Lords – but then every cloud has a silver lining especially if you’re in the Labour party!

28
Jan
09

Good News, Bad News and The Spokesperson Said ..

Have you noticed how every time Miss Piggy, aka council leader Iain Malcolm and his lackeys fail to bribe control Papa John Szymanski the media and a story criticising the council appears the council suddenly becomes a faceless organisation?

Since May the once proud and iindependent Shields Gazette has become nothing more than the official voice of the local Labour party and if you’re stupid enough to waste 42p on this toilet paper you’ll notice that it’s always full of Labour spin and pictures of smiley Labour councillors.

If you were a visitor to South Tyneside you could be forgiven for thinking that the council consisted solelyof Labour councillors with no opposition and that you were in some kind of utopia where everything is perfect, where apparently even the MP pops down to the town centre to do his daily shopping!

On the rare occassion a critical piece does slip through the Malcolm Censorship Panel - probably because the editor, Papa John Szyamanski is too busy stuffing his chubby face with sausage rolls to notice – you never see those same smiley councillors posing for the cameras, instead they run for cover quicker than Ugly Betty, aka councillor McMillan can get on to a newly docked ship!

Readers will also notice that instead of the usual spin of “The leader of South Tyneside council said ..” the public are fed a diet of shite with “a spokesperson for South Tyneside Council said .. “

Take a look at these two recent examples:

this article appeared in the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine on 24th January and was critical of the council. CLICK HERE. The article was accompanied by a picture of the town hall and included the following lines, ‘A South Tyneside Council spokesman said’ and ‘a spokesman for South Tyneside Council questioned the findings’.

Now compare it to,

this article which appeared in the Shields Gazette Malcolm Fanzine on 21st January telling the world how the council leader intends to keep the council tax rise to under 3%. CLICK HERE. But this time the article was accompanied by a smiley picture of Miss Piggy, aka councillor Iain Malcolm and it also made 4 references to either ‘the council leader’ or councillor Iain Malcolm and included the lines, ‘He said’ and ‘Coun Malcolm said’.

Mr Monkey reckons when it comes to good news Labour councillors group fight like ferrets in a sack yet when it comes to bad news or news that they haven’t been able to spin they’re a bunch of faceless cowards who disappear into the mire quicker than Iain Malcolm does when Newcastle Airport is mentioned.

20
Dec
08

Monkey Suspect Caught On Camera

Seems that Mr Monkey may have been caught on camera, but which one?

Has the Fat Mackem Hobbit over at Curly’s Corner Shop aka the Shire inadvertently caught Mr Monkey in his lens or has the chimp been caught fooling around on one of the many CCTV cameras lurking around the borough?

Mr Monkey will reveal all shortly.

18
Dec
08

And Now For The Bus Stop Blunder!

History has a funny habit of repeating itself when it comes to South Tyneside Council’s ability to fuck things up. Hot on the heels of the loading bay blunder it now seems that certain officers of the council’s parking team have fucked up again; this time with bus stop enforcement.

For a bus stop parking infringement to be legally enforceable, the bus stop must be clearly marked with a thick yellow line (about twice the size of a normal line), have a yellow time plate visible and be covered by a valid Traffic Regulation Order.

Mr Monkey has noticed that the council’s line contractor has been busy painting yellow lines around many of the borough’s bus stops and that a plethora of yellow time plates have suddenly been erected.

The only thing that remains is a valid Traffic Regulation Order, but that’s where the problem starts – it seems that there are loads of bus stops without them.

Mr Monkey reckons that if you’ve received a Penalty Charge Notice (PCN) for parking on a bus stop in the last 3 months you should consider lodging an appeal, especially as it now appears a significant number of these PCNs may have been issued illegally – there’s a fair chance you will win.

Mr Monkey will be posting details of the appeals process shortly.

12
Dec
08

Bus Lane Blunder

Hot on the heels of the loading bay fuck up which resulted in the suspension of penalty charge notices being issued for vehicles illegally parked on loading bays, Mr Monkey has now learned that someone in the parking team is either colour blind or just couldn’t be bothered to check the small print.

Earlier this year the council’s agreed to introduce new measures to stop people using bus lanes – apparently to improve safety and keep vehicles moving – no, nothing to do with robbing the motorist blind.

These measure included taking photographs and recording the offenders on CCTV. This will be done by covert cameras installed on traffic lights, street lighting and CCTV columns. But the council also planned to introduce a secret weapon – a vehicle with a hidden camera.

Enforcement staff have been trained and the vehicle was delivered in time for the October launch but there was one minor problem – it was the wrong colour!

Apparently the vehicle that was delivered was black and was deemed unsuitable  too distinctive to be able to trap motorists effectively.

Somebody in the town hall decided that the vehicle should be white as this would blend in with the borough’s other white vehicles and would be less visible make more money.

Apparently the vehicle was duly dispatched for a respray and will be operational in the new year.

That’s assuming all the bus lanes are legally enforceable but more of this later.




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