Archive for the 'Tyne' Category


flash @ your expense

Seems the Gazette Labour Gazetteer is once again hiding the truth from it’s dwindling readership. Either that or new owner Miss Piggy, aka council leader Iain Malcolm has put his foot down.

According to this article CLICK HERE the Mayor, councillor Alex Donaldson, officially switched on the Flash @ Hebburn art installation – costing £150,000 – on Saturday night.

But Mr Monkey has learned that a select group of councillors and officers had a private viewing much earlier, yet there was no mention of this in the article. Surely these scroungers haven’t developed a conscounce have they?

The council’s junket held earlier in the week, allowed a select few to enjoy a private viewing of the Flash @ Hebburn from the river without the risk of getting cold, wet, muddy or having to mix with local people who may have questioned them about wasting £150,000 on a dozen lights on 8 metre high columns programmed to flash at people walking along the river, especially when the council has just approved an increase in care charges for the elderly and the cost of their meals.

Mr Monkey can now reveal that this exclusive trip was paid for from the public purse and included the cost of chartering the ferry, food, drinks and taxis to take the ‘leeches’ home.


More tales from a tyne whore

Many dockside prostitutes Mr Monkey spoke to say that Filipino seamen sew little plastic beads into the shaft of their penises.

When Mr Monkey first heard this, he couldn’t believe it. But most of the ladies he spoke to whilst he was researching his book insist that it’s true and one good time girl who wishes to remain anonymous said, “oh yeah, those boys are NAUGHTY”.

Mr Monkey was curious and wanted to learn more so he asked several Filipino sailors whether it’s was true. Most nonchalantly acknowledged that it was and that it’s a fairly common practice, especially amongst the older sailors. But they say it’s dying out amongst the younger generation.

The “body modification” community calls this practise “pearling” or “genital beading” and if you want to see more click on the link at the bottom of this page 


When Mr Monkey asked several seaman why they did it, they claimed it made them feel more “manly” and more “part of the crew.”

Mr Monkey decided to find out more and asked a sailor called Quimbo, known to his shipmates as Willy how they did it?

Apparently most sailors insert their own beads by making a small incision in the shaft of their penis, they then insert a series of small silicon beads under the skin before sewing it shut and everyone Mr Monkey spoke to confirmed that it was incredibly painful – no shit Sherlock!

There are various styles but apparently most choose one of three main patterns. The first is the single bead on the top of the shaft. The second is a row of beads across the top of the penis, for maximum clitoral stimulation. The third pattern is a comprehensive cover of beads around the shaft of the penis.

So what do the dockside girls think?

Most find it a strange custom and reckon having sex with these guys is painful and some refuse no matter how much money is on offer. But when Mr Monkey asked The Whore of the Tyne what she thought, there was a twinkle in her eye and she said, “yeah, those beads add a little something extra and it’s not just money.”



Tyne Twat – The Tale of A Whore

'For Sale - all offers accepted'

'For Sale - all offers accepted'

Ugly Betty started her working life as a pickpocket but quickly turned to prostitution when she realised it was easier to steal a man’s money when his trousers were off than when they were on. Sex was her way of getting closer to a man to pilfer his money, simply a means to an end. She tried her luck at the clubs but was always chucked out for stealing. So she focused on the river, where she had greater access to the seamen and thier goodies.

Once she got into their cabins, she could wreak havoc, stealing whatever she could get her hands on. From their rooms, she would take cigarettes, cash, shoes, watches, clothing – anything she could give away or sell. From the galley, she pilfered meat, cheese, bread, packets of noodles, fruit and alcohol. She preferred the short-stay ships because she could do her business and get away before anyone knew what was taken. By the time they realised they’d been robbed, they would already be out at sea. 

Ugly Betty admitted that, with her attitude, she wasn’t much of a lover. She didn’t give a damn about her clients’ sexual satisfaction; she didn’t even pretend to be interested. Sometimes she’d yawn, look at her watch or even try to take a nap while the man was busy trying to bang her. As he was about to shoot his load, she was only thinking about how she was going to reach down to his pants on the floor and empty his wallet. 

Ugly Betty always took full advantage of opportunities to steal when she was on the ships, but there were lots of other pleasures to enjoy too. Ultimately she didn’t go aboard to steal but to make money through sex and have a party with the sailors. She didn’t want to just get on and off; she wanted to hang out with the men and make herself at home. 

Arthur, a 68 year-old riverside veteran who was always willing to talk in depth to me, said that Ugly Betty used to move from ship to ship for days at a time, sometimes without even bothering to return home. She would live on the boats, party with the seamen at the clubs, then return with them to their cabins where they would sleep together. Usually she tried to pair up with one of the officers who could afford to keep her for days at a time. Sometimes she would even participate in the domestic upkeep of the ship to give the impression she cared, when all the time she was looking for yet more opportunities to rob its crew. 

Such long-term interactions inevitably led to closer relationships and on more than one occasion she fell in love with her client. Once she grew attached to an old Greek captain. He seemed to have felt something for her too, more akin to empathy than lust, and she responded to his selfless concern with total devotion. He promised to send for her to start a new life on a Greek Island but quickly changed his mind when his dick started to swell and he felt a burning sensation every time he went for a piss. 

… more to follow.