Archive for the 'USA' Category

17
Feb
09

Police Shoot Chimp

'shot dead by police'

'shot dead by police'

Police shot dead a pet chimpanzee after a woman in her 50’s suffered facial injuries in the US.

The woman, who was visiting a friend, was attacked for no apparent reason when she got out of her car.

Sandra Herold, the owner of the 15-year-old chimp called Travis, wrestled with the animal as he mauled her friend, then ran inside her house to raise the alarm.

Lt Conklin of the Stamford police said.”She retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her long-time pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked.”

The chimp had started roaming around the vicinity when emergency crews arrived.

But he suddenly returned to the scene of the attack, forcing police to retreat into their cars.

The primate then reportedly opened the door of a police car, forcing the officer inside to fire several shots. The chimp eventually died from its wounds.

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05
Feb
09

Miliband Kisses Arse Stateside

"Have you heard of Colmans?"

"Have you heard of Colmans?"

South Shields MP and Foreign Secretary David Miliband is feeling smug after President Obama’s administration gave him a special treat earlier this week – he was allowed to kiss his counterpart’s Hillary Clinton’s arse before anyone else.

Apparently our special relationship with the USA is set to continue for a little while longer after Miliband’s gesture of obedience.

During their meeting Mr Miliband did his best to promote South Shields Colmans by talking about fish and chips, but as usual he put his foot in it by relying heavily on his researchers information.

Mr Monkey can reveal Hillary loves nothing better than an an olive burger which she first discovered in her college days. In 2003 the inventor renamed it the Hillary Burger after she paid a visit to her favourite Greek coffee shop.

Mr Miliband also showed Hillary a few snaps of South Tyneside’s premier shopping area, King Street and pointed out all the shops he visits regularly that are shut and invited her to join him on one of his many shopping trips to the ‘street’.

She politely declined saying Bill prefers Macy’s to Ethel Austin but she did’nt rule out a trip to Colmans.

21
Jan
09

Another Milestone

'Another Milestone'

'Another Milestone'

Mr Monkey’s Blog reached another milestone yesterday when the total number of views passed the 100,000 mark. It’s taken less than 6 months to reach this landmark and Mr Monkey is proud of his achievements.

Whilst other bloggers talk about how popular they are, this chimp has seen off the competition – such as it was – and established Mr Monkey’s Blog as the Premier Blog in South Tyneside.

Mr Monkey reckons there might be one or two people feeling a bit like George W Bush today suffering from HUW Syndrome – hopeless, useless and worthless.

19
Jan
09

The Week Ahead

The week ahead will go down in history as one of the momentous of our time

It’s the week when: 

George W Bush is consigned to the history books and will be remembered as the worst US President ever
Barack Obama becomes the first African American President of America
Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown saddles future generations with yet more debt
Kaka joins Manchester City and becomes the first £100 million pound footballer
Mr Monkey’s Blog reaches the 100,000 hits milestone in record time
The long awaited list of ‘Monkey Suspects’ is published
Graham Glitter aka Curly has an ape free day and doesn’t post or comment about the borough’s premier blogger Mr Monkey
The Fat Mackem Hobbit admits he’s obssesed with all things ape and that he’ll do anything to feed off Mr Monkey’s success
and David Miliband spends a day in his constituency; watch out for him on Ocean Road.

15
Jan
09

Happy Birthday Dr King

Mr Monkey couldn’t end today without wishing one of the 20th century’s greatest visionaries and civil rights leaders, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr a happy birthday.

Today would have been Dr King’s 80th birthday and in just five days time, Dr. King’s dream will finally be realized when America inugurates it’s first African-American president, Barack Obama and most people accept that the struggles and hardships that Dr. King endured cleared the path for Obama’s historic presidency.

Happy birthday Dr King – this is for you CLICK HERE

20
Dec
08

Sock and Awe – Part 2

On Thursday Mr Monkey brought you the Sock and Awe game where bloggers can follow in the footsteps of the Iraqi Journalist who had the balls to throw his shoes at George W Bush.

Judging by the massive response to this post; nearly 2000 page hits in less than 48 hours, Mr Monkey’s reckons you are either a sick lot or you’d liked to have hit the war mongering bastard yourself.

The Iraqi shoe throwing incident has led to ‘A Coalition of Shoe Throwers’. The Germans have now also developed their own version of the game where shoe throwers simply click on the shoe and try and hit Bush as many times as they can in 50 seconds, and there’s even a league table of top scorers.

Give it a go by CLICKING HERE.

05
Nov
08

Papa John Plays A Blinder!

Apparently Papa John Szyamanski, editor of the Gazette Malcolm Fanzine has pushed the boat out and has sent one of his staff to America to report on the US Presidential elections. CLICK HERE.

Word in the members room is that Papa John’s star reporter, David ‘Birdman’ Maclean was secretly dispatched to America last week to exclusively report on what Papa John rightly predicted would be a defining moment in history. Papa John’s goal was to leave the opposition in the shade when it came to reporting on this momentous occasion. It seems Papa John has played a blinder this time.

Mr Monkey reckons The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy Potts is seething at the thought of missing out on a free trip to the States. Until his demise he was conning planning a trip to America on the pretext of campaigning with the Republican party .. what a waste of time that would have been!




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