Archive for the 'Vodka' Category

28
Jul
09

highlights: Vodka Lil Worried Sick

Seems Vodka Lil, Councillor Eileen Leask has something else other than being deselected to worry about today.

Apparently she is very worried about the impact of the new ‘drop in’ health centre planned for Cleadon Park on South Tyneside District Hospital, especially the A & E department, click here.

Mr Monkey reckons that the Gazette reporter, Paul Myles-Kelly should pay a bit more attention to spelling. If he had, he would have realised the Vodka Lil meant she was worried about the AA department!

Lets face it, Eileen Leask wouldn’t want everyone to know what a struggle it is to give up the vodka would she?

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17
Mar
09

prohibtion or punishing the innocent?

'Beat the taxman, brew your own'

'Beat the taxman, brew your own'

It seems the similarities between today’s economic downturn and the great depression of the 1930’s are becoming more obvious by the day and following Sir Liam Donaldson’s (the chief medicalofficer) announcement on Friday about dramatically increasing the price of a unit of alcohol to allegedly curb binge drinking Mr Monkey reckons Nu-Labour are well on the way to matching that other great achievement of the 1920s and 30s; prohibition.

Anyone with an iota of sense knew that the health lobby were’nt going to stop at cigarettes. It took them long enough to get to the stage where smokers are now treated as pariahs, but they got there. Now, with tax on the things high and getting higher, the cancer sticks being banned from pubs, clubs, workplaces etc., advertising banned, health care services denied to those that won’t give up, patronising ads on TV et al to tell us to stop smoking by making people feel like war criminals if they still light up… the campaign has been templated, noted and laid out to follow in future. The only question is which of the two issues will be battered first? Fast Food, or Drink.

So, Sir Liam Donaldson, with the undoubted patronising acquiescence of the BBC, put forward his agenda on Friday. It isn’t too much of hearing stories like the one where a mother was stopped from buying a bottle of wine in case she gave it to her 14 year old daughter who was food shopping with her. If it isn’t that whatever tax or levy is put on the stuff, the drinks cabinet at the British Medical Association or the House of Commons will probably be liberally stocked, and lightly taxed, and also subsidised in the worst way by the taxpaying saps who will be victims of any policy. If it isn’t because the state believes they need to save us from ourselves, so we can fund their nonsensical bailout policies. No, Sir Liam believes that alcohol should have a minimum price based on the alcohol units in a drink.

The people will rebel on this one, because the vast majority of us like a drink. Mr Monkey included.

Do you know what, this chimp admits being drunk in his time and …

  • You know how many people he’s beaten up or knifed when drunk?
  • You know how many times he’s been to hospital as a result of being drunk?
  • You know how many times he’s been arrested for being of being drunk?

The answer is zero.

Apparently Sir Liam is proposing, in ever such an egalitarian way that because some people have a drink problem and behave like reprobates and cads, and despite having laws to stop them, if they are enforced properly, because of them, you want to punish everyone.

Thank fuck there’s an election looming, Labour’s fear of being cast into the wilderness should put an end to this fuckwit idea – at least for now but Mr Monkey predicts that tough measures to limit the sale of alcohol are on the way.

03
Jan
09

Anne and Ed – Just Good Friends

'Just Good Friends'

'Anne and Ed - just good friends'

Seems the old dinosaur, councillor Olive Punchion faces a bit of competition for councillor Ed Malcolm’s affections.
 
Ever since he was 21 he’s had a fetish for older women, but after his recent holiday with Olive in America it seems that there’s old and there’s fucking ancient.
 
Ed is increasingly embarrassed by Olive and reckons that there’s more chance of Vodka Lil, aka Eileen Leask giving up the vodka than there is of Olive being accepted by the old miners of Houghton, Hetton and Shiney Row. And of course this wannabe MP for Houghton and Washington East can’t risk the sleaze surrounding his 30 year relationship with a married woman to surface during an election campaign.
 
Too late Ed, Mr Monkey has already sent details of your sleazy love life to senior party officials at Millbank House.
 
Ed also finds Olive a bit of a turn off – even the Viagra does fuck all. Hardly surprising when you consider Olive his approachinh her twilight years and is more interested in getting a good night’s sleep, putting on the anti wrinkle cream and pickling her teeth than sucking on Ed’s dick toes.
 
Ed’s also shitting himself that he might have to make an honest woman out of Olive now that she’s free to marry.
 
Mr Monkey can exclusively reveal that Olive is on the verge of being dumped as councillor Ed Malcolm may have found love companionship elsewhere. This may explain why he’s spending less time in South Shields and more time in Shiney Row (Houghton Le Spring).
 
Apparently the new love of his life his new friend is Labour councillor Anne Hall who by chance happens to represent Shiney Row, a ward in the heart of the constituency Ed Malcolm hopes to represent; assumming he secures the Parliamentary nomination ahead of his rivals.
 
Ed is spending more and more of his free time with Anne and Mr Monkey can confirm that Ed is wooing Anne by wining and dining her at intimate and romantic venues – this chimp recently saw the happy couple in a restuarnt and they only had eyes for each other.
 
Mr Monkey urges Anne to be cautious in her dealings with Ed as he’s probably using her to secure the nomination and then she’ll go the way of Olive and will be left feeling used and abused.
 
If bloggers would like to know more about Ed’s new friend CLICK HERE.
29
Nov
08

Eddie Makes An Ass Out of The Law

Hebburn’s number one piss headand convicted drunk driver councillor Eddie McAtominey seems to have played a blinder yesterday by making an ass out of the law.

Steady ‘hic’ Eddie who was convicted of drink driving earlier this month and who was eventually forced resigned from his highly lucrative paid positions on the council and the Police Authority faced another charge of failing to provide a specimen following his arrest on suspicion of drink driving back in April.

Since then councillor McAtominey has consistently protested his innocence and has made a number of appearances before Magistrates in South Shields and Peterlee where he’s pleaded not guilty.

Unfortunately the lying bastard was caught red handed at the wheel of his car earlier this month after buying a bottle of vodka and drinking it before throwing the empty bottle over a wall and getting into his car to drive home. This time he was fucked and decided he’d better plead guilty.

He appeared before South Shields Magistrates the following day and was banned from driving for 22 months.

The same week his representative Terence Carney appeared before Peterlee Magistrates to continue the not guilty charade and a pre-trial date was set for 28th November.

Yesterday the piss head changed his mind and after months of prevaricating, lying, cheating and wasting thousands of pounds of taxpayers money and hundreds of hours of court time the scheming bastard pleaded guilty in the hope he would get off lightly.

Mr Monkey can’t believe that the stupid fucking Magistrates actually fell for his con, unless of course they took pity on the cancer pickled liver conman. Or did they now him? Seems justice was not done on this occasion and the sentence slap on the wrist certainly didn’t fit the crime.

A twelve month ban and a couple of hundred quid fine no way reflects the seriousness of his crime. The drunken bastard could have killed and injured innocent people; including children.

Seems the Magistrates at Peterlee may have forgotten why they volunteered for the bench in the first place – either that or it’s time they made way for people with balls.

Mr Monkey can’t wait to see what Labour North will make of all this, but they’re not exactly renowned for their balls unless they’re playing with each others!

22
Nov
08

Monkey Clip

It’s been a crap week for husband and wife team; councillors Mr and Mrs Maxwell McAtominey.

What with Steady ‘hic’ Eddie being forced to resign from two high profile posts, his income dropping by nearly £20,000 per year and the poor bastards have had to face the wrath of the public, the press and councillor Allen Branley.

It’s been especially bad for Nancy, she’s had to cope with the shame and humiliation of her husband’s drunken antics and she’s had to listen to the insults and innuendo .. poor bitch – it’s serves the self centered, arrogant, money grabbing twat right.

Mr Monkey reckons these pathetic indiviuals need cheering up so he’s decided to dedicate this week’s Monkey Clip to the McAtomineys .. CLICK HERE, turn up the volume and listen to the words carefully!

20
Nov
08

Will He .. Won’t He!

Speculation is rife that Steady ‘hic Eddie McAtominey the disgraced Labour councillor convicted of drink driving is planning to make an appearance at today’s Full Council meeting.

Mr Monkey has been told that Miss Piggy aka Iain Malcolm is desperate to keep him out of the chamber for fear of an all out assualt led by the Indy Alliance.

Councillor Malcolm has been shitting himself for days at the prospect of councillors Jane and Allan Branley, White, Hodgson and Khan in attack mode. Mr Monkey reckons that today’s gathering will be a rowdy affair.

19
Nov
08

Malcolm Keeps Papa John in The Dark

Papa John Szymanski is pissed off this morning because he’s been scooped by Mr Monkey again. CLICK HERE.

Last night Mr Monkey exclusively revealed that councillor Eddie McAtominey had resigned from the cabinet yet Papa John new nothing it until he read it on Mr Monkey’s Blog. Seems his mate Miss Piggy’s aka councillor Iain Malcolm saw fit not to share this news with him.

Mr Monkey can’t help wondering why Papa John insists on being councillor Malcolm’s lackey when he he seems to get so little for it other than an odd tap on the arse.