Archive for the 'Weekend Retreat' Category


EXclusive: Gollum and Aunt Sally’s ‘love’ hideawy revealed

'Councillors Ed Malcolm and Olive Punchion's weekend love nest'

'Councillors Ed Malcolm and Olive Punchion's weekend love nest'

The Gollum of South Tyneside politics, councillor Ed Malcolm has had a tough few weeks preparing for his big day, presenting the council’s budget.

A source close to Gollum has told Mr Monkey that as budget day approached his nerves were in tatters and he resorted to medication to calm himself down, but whatever he took didn’t stop him making a twat of himself and fluffing his lines.

Apparently on one occasion Aunt Sally, aka Olive Punchion – who spent years cheating on her husband to get in to Gollum’s nappy pants – came to his rescue by bringing him a glass of water. That made things worse as he lost his concentration and started stuttering his lines.

Mr Monkey has learned that Gollum and his scarecrow, Aunt Sally decided that after a difficult few weeks it was time to get away from it all and recharge their batteries in a plush and intimate location.

This chimp can exclusively reveal that the ‘odd couple’ spent  last weekend at one of their favourite hideaways – The Royal County hotel in Durham.

A quick look at the Marriott Hotel website confirms that Gollum, aka councillor Ed Malcolm and Aunt Sally, aka councillor Olive Punchion enjoy living it up in these difficult economic times, apparently rooms start at around £130 a night.

Mr Monkey wonders what the hard pressed people of Biddick Hall and Simonside and Rekendyke will make of this?


‘Big’ Ed Malcolm and His Kilt

South Tyneside’s answer to The Chuckle Brothers, councillors Iain and Ed Malcolm seem obsessed with re-discovering their Scottish roots.

In September Mr Monkey revealed that council leader Miss Piggy, aka Iain Malcolm was partial to a bit of weekend cottaging after he bought a hideaway in Hawick in the Scottish Borders. CLICK HERE.

Not to be out done by his brother, ‘Big’ Ed Malcolm the wannabee MP for Houghton and Washington East decided to get in on the act and recently bought himself a kilt – not just in any tartan but a Clan Malcolm tartan.

When word reached the members lounge his collegaues pissed themselves laughing especially at the thought of ‘Big’ Ed in a kilt with his deformed size 3 feet stuck on the end of his short bandy legs. One senior Labour councillor who likes a wee dram reckons Ed is determined to beat Red Rumcouncillor George Elsom to the title of Twat of the Year.

But Mr Monkey reckons Ed’s purchase had more to do with winning a few extra votes in the old County Durham pit villages of the Houghton and Washington East Parliamentary constituency than his desire to rekindle his Scottish roots.

It seems this gesture could be is a last ditched attempt to persuade former miners and their families – many of whom have Scottish roots – to vote for him in the upcoming selection ballot.


Monkey Clip

This week’s Monkey Clip is dedicated to all those folks out their who enjoy ‘cottaging’ including Councillor Iain Malcolm and his female skivvy, Julie.

CLICK HERE and enjoy.


Julie Goes Cottaging Too

Mr Monkey has learned that Iain Malcolm’s lady friend, Julie, often accompanies the ‘Laird’ to his rural retreat in Hawick.

Apparently Councillor Malcolm loves Julie’s company so much he’s bought her a mop and is now planning to surprise her with a new cooker – and there’s Mr Monkey thinking he took her up there for a shag!


Malcolm Goes Cottaging!

What is it about South Tyneside politicians and Scotland?

Mr Monkey appreciates many South Tynesiders are proud of their Scottish heritage but it seems that the lure of the heather, the glens and lochs, a wee dram, the pipes and the haggis and in Iain Malcolm’s case men in skirts kilts seems too strong to resist, especially for our politicians.

Mr Monkey wonders whether this fetish for men in kilts might explain councillor McCabe’s promotion under Iain Malcolm’s leadership. But if I were councillor McCabe I’d think twice about wearing my kilt when the Laird of the Chamber is about – at the very least I’d cross my legs so the he couldn’t take a sneaky peek up my kilt!

Following hot on the heels of The King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts’s Scottish adventure, it seems that Labour councillor Iain Malcolm thinks he can become a laird. Mr Monkey reckons this explains why he’s bought a Scottish hideaway in Hawick (pronounced Hoick). This allows him to spend some of his weekends at his rural cottage and Mr Monkey reckons he knows what the dirty bastard will be doing!

Mr Monkey has got a few weekends to spare now that the shorter days are here and reckons it’s time he did some digging exploring north of the border – you never know who or what might turn up!