Archive for the 'Wine' Category


highlights: Vodka Lil Worried Sick

Seems Vodka Lil, Councillor Eileen Leask has something else other than being deselected to worry about today.

Apparently she is very worried about the impact of the new ‘drop in’ health centre planned for Cleadon Park on South Tyneside District Hospital, especially the A & E department, click here.

Mr Monkey reckons that the Gazette reporter, Paul Myles-Kelly should pay a bit more attention to spelling. If he had, he would have realised the Vodka Lil meant she was worried about the AA department!

Lets face it, Eileen Leask wouldn’t want everyone to know what a struggle it is to give up the vodka would she?


a pair of twits!

Seems councillors Khan and Potts are set to continue their rivalry outside the council chamber as the King of Sleaze, Tory Boy David Potts has taken a leaf out of the Indy councillor’s book and has become a twat twit.

But a quick look at Pudgy Faces twitters confirms what most people already know – he’s obsessed with money and couldn’t careless about the people he represents.  In 2 days he’s tweeted 29 times and there’s only one mild reference to his work as a councillor.

Mr Monkey reckons bloggers should keep a close eye on these 2 twittering councillors as it will be interesting to see whether councillor Potts takes councillor Khan up on his offer for a cup of coffee.

Alternatively councillor Khan could pop into the Atlantic Bar around 10am any day of the week, he’s bound to bump into The King of Sleaze enjoying his usual liquid breakfast of a couple of glasses of red wine!

These 2 twits can be found at, and


prohibtion or punishing the innocent?

'Beat the taxman, brew your own'

'Beat the taxman, brew your own'

It seems the similarities between today’s economic downturn and the great depression of the 1930’s are becoming more obvious by the day and following Sir Liam Donaldson’s (the chief medicalofficer) announcement on Friday about dramatically increasing the price of a unit of alcohol to allegedly curb binge drinking Mr Monkey reckons Nu-Labour are well on the way to matching that other great achievement of the 1920s and 30s; prohibition.

Anyone with an iota of sense knew that the health lobby were’nt going to stop at cigarettes. It took them long enough to get to the stage where smokers are now treated as pariahs, but they got there. Now, with tax on the things high and getting higher, the cancer sticks being banned from pubs, clubs, workplaces etc., advertising banned, health care services denied to those that won’t give up, patronising ads on TV et al to tell us to stop smoking by making people feel like war criminals if they still light up… the campaign has been templated, noted and laid out to follow in future. The only question is which of the two issues will be battered first? Fast Food, or Drink.

So, Sir Liam Donaldson, with the undoubted patronising acquiescence of the BBC, put forward his agenda on Friday. It isn’t too much of hearing stories like the one where a mother was stopped from buying a bottle of wine in case she gave it to her 14 year old daughter who was food shopping with her. If it isn’t that whatever tax or levy is put on the stuff, the drinks cabinet at the British Medical Association or the House of Commons will probably be liberally stocked, and lightly taxed, and also subsidised in the worst way by the taxpaying saps who will be victims of any policy. If it isn’t because the state believes they need to save us from ourselves, so we can fund their nonsensical bailout policies. No, Sir Liam believes that alcohol should have a minimum price based on the alcohol units in a drink.

The people will rebel on this one, because the vast majority of us like a drink. Mr Monkey included.

Do you know what, this chimp admits being drunk in his time and …

  • You know how many people he’s beaten up or knifed when drunk?
  • You know how many times he’s been to hospital as a result of being drunk?
  • You know how many times he’s been arrested for being of being drunk?

The answer is zero.

Apparently Sir Liam is proposing, in ever such an egalitarian way that because some people have a drink problem and behave like reprobates and cads, and despite having laws to stop them, if they are enforced properly, because of them, you want to punish everyone.

Thank fuck there’s an election looming, Labour’s fear of being cast into the wilderness should put an end to this fuckwit idea – at least for now but Mr Monkey predicts that tough measures to limit the sale of alcohol are on the way.


Caviar Sir!

Now that Papa John Szymanski, editor of the Gazette has made it into Iain Malcolm’s exclusive Scroungers Club you can expect him to pop up just about anywhere, especially if there’s free food and drink. The next time you’re at a do just look for the short fat bloke in a Burtons suit hovering around the buffet, that’ll be Papa John.

Mr Monkey can’t think of a better place for Papa John to start using his membership of the Scroungers Club than on the QE2 … so I’ll be looking out for you at tonight’s VIP bash and I might even stop for a chat!


Alcholic Works The System

Seems the borough’s number one piss-head Labour Councillor Eddie McAtominey has been at it again.

This time his representatives have been to court CLICK HERE to seek yet another adjournment in the long running drink driving saga following Councillor McAtominey’s, who is a member of the police authority, arrest after refusing to provide a sample when he was caught behind the wheel of  his car pissed as a skunk.

It seems that Councillor McAtominey is trying to work a flanker to get off with the charges against him, no doubt on medical grounds. Hence the need for a ‘specialist’ who Mr Monkey predicts will claim that the pisshead Mr Integrity, Councillor McAtominey, suffers from some rare medical condition that caused that left him confused.

Well Eddie, tell your loop hole lawyer, not to waste his time and our money, we know what a lying arsehole you really are.

You’re a piss-head with a serious drink problem, your liver’s fucked and you couldn’t give a shit what people think could you?

All you want to do is drink yourself to death at the public’s expense, isn’t that why your wriggling like a worm to get out of this one? We all know you can’t do without dosh you screw out of the public purse, how else are you going to pay for your Chablis and lobster?

In case you’ve forgotten how much you get (your pissed most of the time so your memory might be pickled) here’s a reminder:

Councillors Basic Allowance – £7000 per year
Special Responsibility Allowance – £9000 per year
Police Authority Allowance- £10,000 per year.

and a pension of course!

No wonder you’ve found some as yet unheard of rare medical condition, isn’t it called: ‘You Lying Bastard Syndrome’?


Not So Gorgeous George

'Old Git, the man behind the make up'

'Old Git, the man behind the make up'

Mr Monkey would like to congratulate Papa John Szymanski, Editor of the Gazette, for the picture used in yesterday’s article about Councillor George Elsom the tee-total wine slurping prick that wants a booze ban in parts of Cleadon Park, CLICK HERE for details.

Yesterday’s picture has now confirmed what Mr Monkey already knows .. everything about dickhead Elsom is false!

No one loves himself more than Gorgeous George, which probably explains why he colours his hair, wears make up, has artificially whitened teeth, unless their false of course, uses fake tan and generally spends more time than Barbie when it comes to getting ready, and that’s just when he nips out for a paper.

Mr Monkey reckons that yesterday’s picture perfectly portrays the real Elsom. George looks old, haggard, wrinkled, pale and his teeth have a yellow tinge. His hair is grey and there’s a definite thinning on top.

It would seem that Councillor Elsom is not so Gorgeous after all, heaven only knows what Olive sees in him!


Bums and Breasts!

Mr Monkey has learned that Council Leader, Iain Malcolm and his two favourite stooges, Rob Dix and Arthur ‘I’m not bitter’ Meeks are sunning themselves in the Balearic’s.

Apparently Rob Dix has taken his wife along so that she can fetch and carry for the boys whilst they perv on those fine toned, bronzed and bare chested lasses that are so plentiful at this time of year, although in Iain’s Malcolm’s case it’s probably beach bums and local Latino hunks!

Mr Monkey reckons Iain Malcolm’s hands might be a bit sore when he comes back, especially after all that DIY. Nothing new there then, he’s always been a tosser hasn’t he?


Monkey Mischief

Today’s Monkey Mischief victim is Councillor Ernest Gibson who is renowned for his love of the finer takeaways, beer, karaoke, fellow Councillor Jimmy Sewell, Majorca and getting something for nothing!

The only thing that’s been missing in his life is a decent woman, but Mr Monkey can now reveal that even this has changed recently.

Apparently Councillor Gibson is spending more time at home since his mates on the council chipped in and treated him to an extra special takeaway. This might help explain  why he has been walking round with a smile on his face of late.

“If only my mate Potts could see me now” "If only my mate Potts could see me now"

Whilst Mr Monkey is very happy for Councillor Gibson, he would suggest that Ernest keeps a puncture repair kit handy. It would be a shame to find yourself deflated having taken so long to rise to the occasion! 


Who’s Taking The Piss?

Mr Monkey has learned that last week’s coronation of Iain Malcolm ‘Celebration of Paul Waggott’s Life on the Council’ which was a lavish affair complete with a 5 course meal, free flowing wine, champagne and back slapping all round was really a piss take!

Apparently Paul Waggott was presented with a couple of original pieces of artwork by local artist Bob Olley, one of which was commissioned exclusively for Paul Waggott.

For those not familiar with the Geordie art scene, Bob’s work includes drawings of Westoe Netty and caricatures of local people, celebrities and visitors to the region.

Mr Monkeyreckons this gesture was particularly apt as Paul Waggott is well and truly in the shithouse having lost his seat on the council and the thousands of pounds that went with it. But Mr Monkey wonders whose really taking the piss out of who?

Is Iain Malcolm pissing on Paul Waggott, Irene Lucas pissing on Iain Malcolm or Paul Waggott on Iain Malcolm?

One thing is certain, they’re all taking the piss out of the public who are having to pick up the tab for their kinky games!

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